


Road to Salvation

by DJ_Greg



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alpha Dean, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alternate Universe, Beta Pamela, Beta Sam, Break Up, Episode: s04e17 It's a Terrible Life, Explicit Language, Hurt/Comfort, Infidelity, Living Together, M/M, Miscarriage, Mpreg, Omega Castiel, Omega Lisa Braeden, Pregnant Castiel, Prostitution, Rape/Non-con Elements, Religious Castiel, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn, Stillborn, Therapy, Victim Blaming
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-02
Updated: 2019-02-15
Packaged: 2019-03-12 16:51:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 86,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13551558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DJ_Greg/pseuds/DJ_Greg
Summary: Castiel grew up in deep, religious shame, aware that like other male Omegas he was created by demons as a mockey of God's work which gave only women the ability to bear children and thus condemned to Hell. In attempt to win God's mercy and gain entrance into Heaven in afterlife, he becomes a priest.All seems to go well, until a group of Alphas rapes and impregnates him during a heat. He's unceremoniously thrown out of the church and his family turns their back on him. Having nowhere to go, Castiel ends up homeless and loses hope that his fate will ever change.But one day he comes across a kind, green-eyed Alpha who offers him help...





	1. Father Castiel

**Author's Note:**

> I'm posting this story at the same time as “Naughty Pups”, because I know some people won't be interested in the other fic due to subject matter and I wanted to give those people something else to read. Hopefully you'll enjoy the first chapter. This is going to be a long story, possibly around 25-30 chapters, but that's NOT a concrete number for now, since I haven't yet developed the story fully.
> 
> Also, please appreciate the irony that I stated in comment section of “Christmas Rut” my preference for Castiel as “Alpha-in-perfect-control”, but in my two follow-ups I made him an Omega, in this case a very meek one.

The priest suit was ill-fitted, making Castiel feel like there was a heavy, stone tablet pressing on his chest and preventing him from taking a lung-full of air. Not to mention the while collar squeezing tightly around his neck right under the Adam's apple, which bobbed up and down as Castiel swallowed nervously. He reached up to stretch the collar a little, but the moment he removed his fingers, the material returned to its original position.

As if uncomfortable clothes weren't enough, Castiel's reflection revealed that he looked awful despite best efforts. He was paler than usual and sweated profusely due to his heart _slamming_ against his ribcage on double speed, had a deer-caught-in-headlights stare and his hair refused to stay down no matter how much water he poured on them.

 _For Heaven's sake_ , he couldn't show up in such state in front of all the people attending the mass! He had to calm down fast!

A soft knock snapped him out of the anxious thoughts. Castiel turned toward the bedroom's door, only to see Father Joshua stepping inside. The view of older priest's kind face and his buttery Beta scent loosened up the knot tied around Castiel's stomach a bit.

“The sermon will start in five minutes” Father Joshua reminded. His deep voice sounded warm, but had a note of steel in it as always whenever he spoke to Castiel. “Are you prepared?”

“Y-yes, Father” Castiel confirmed. “I have the speech memorized.”

“Good. I hope you won't make me regret that I pushed for your ordination.”

“I won't, Father.”

Having confirmed that everything in his church was running properly like a Swiss watch, Father Joshua nodded in contentment and was about to walk out, when he glanced at Castiel one more time. “As you might expect, your mother and brothers are attending the mass, so don't disappoint them either.” With those parting words he left, gently shutting the door behind.

Of course, his family always attended morning mass on Sunday – he somehow managed to forget such obvious fact thanks to all the nerves gnawing at his insides – and wanted to witness his performance. The weight on his chest increased and feeling out of breath Castiel had to grab onto the chest of drawers below the mirror to keep from falling down. He kept his head down and greedily inhaled, but it hardly helped. The fear of embarrassing his family again, after the humiliation they went through when he presented, was much worse than fear of simply forgetting his words or losing voice.

 _Calm down,_ Castiel reprimanded himself. _Father Joshua believes in you, otherwise he wouldn't fight other priests over you ordination. You have to go out and give that sermon if only to thank him for the kindness he showed you._

Besides, road to Salvation was a difficult one to take and he freely chose to follow it. Father Joshua didn't sugarcoat anything two years ago when Castiel in desperation asked for possibility of joining the church as a way of gaining access to Heaven in afterlife.

“ _It's selfish of you to see priesthood as a mean to an end_ ” Father Joshua's words echoed in his memory “ _rather than opportunity of serving God and bringing help to his children. First you need to change that attitude, because I won't be tolerating it in my church.”_ Castiel remembered how Father Joshua intertwined his fingers at this point and studied him for a moment, unimpressed by Castiel's tears. “ _If you do_ _that_ _and show capability of being a good priest, then I shall support your ordination, even though its…_ _unparalleled for male Omega to_ _become a servant of God_ _. But I warn you: while one day you might earn entry into Heaven, your road there will be a devious and difficult one, because your mere existence is an affront to God._ ”

Male Omega.

That’s what he was.

The most disgusting creature to walk the Earth – a man who could become pregnant – brought to life by demons as a _mockery_ of God’s w ork which gave women and _only_ women the ability to bear children.

And now one of those hellish creations dared to join the church.

What was he thinking? People attending the mass will be _furious_ for having their faith ridiculed and rightfully so, but then they’ll surely blame Father Joshua, when the whole thing was _his_ fault!

No, he couldn’t give that sermon! He had to get out and… and…

And humiliate everyone: his mother and brothers, Father Joshua; all those people who took care of him despite his status as male Omega and gave him opportunities he didn’t deserve. His life cost them enough troubles. He had no right to hurt them further when they pushed hard for him to become a priest in the first place. The thought of going out there, standing before the churchgoers and preaching to them like he held any moral high ground over them still crushed his stomach, preventing him from breathing freely, but he had to do it. If he ever wanted to enter Heaven, there were numerous challenged awaiting him in the future, much bigger than ill-fitted suit or nerves.

He glanced at alarm clock on his nightstand – two minutes – and took last calming breath, before leaving the bedroom with his heart slowing down to a crawl for a change. As he walked down mostly bare hallway, decorated only by two pictures of saints and well-groomed plant standing in a corner, toward door connecting clergy house to the church, a choir of voices singing passionately “ _Holy God We Praise Thy Name_ ” reached his ears. The nerves that gnawed on his organs vanished and emptiness took their place. The volume of singing increased with every step he took, but when he reached out and grabbed onto cold knob, it suddenly cut off.

The time for sermon has come.

Quickly Castiel hurried through the door and up the altar stairs, his footsteps echoing in crushing silence that filled the church. He felt everyone’s eyes boring into him, people’s who knew what he was and who were probably already stewing in their own anger at the knowledge that _male Omega_ had nerves to preach from this holy place. Other priests sat on the back and, with exception of Father Joshua, wore a barely conceived, disgusted looks.

Struggling to remember about breathing regularly, Castiel made his way to the lectern and grabbed onto the worn out, wooden top, letting the coolness of familiar material calm him down a little. He delicately gripped the Bible as a precious item that it was, lifted it to his face and – _should an_ abomination _like him tarnish God’s word in such way?_ – kissed the front cover. Then he put the Holy Book back on its place and searched for the specific passage he needed for today sermon. The sound of him turning pages was as loud as a gunshot in overwhelming silence. Nobody spoke. Nobody made a noise. Possibly nobody breathed either; Castiel certainly had problems with that. From the place he stood the scent of churchgoers didn’t reach him, but if he stepped closer, he was sure he’d smell something sour.

Finally he opened the Bible on correct page and forced himself to look up, unable to put it of facing reality any longer.

He was met with rows of stern expression and some outright hostile stares. Once more he gripped onto the lectern, seeking comfort, and scanned the crowd for his relatives. They sat on the left side, near the altar, dressed in their Sunday best, which looked even more elegant in morning sunlight seeping through tall church windows.

The head Alpha of entire family, Naomi Novak, stood out from the crowd by looking more curious and amused than disapproving as if she was inviting Castiel to impress her, but fully expecting him to fail. Mother was a strict parent with high standards that were near impossible to live up to, at least for Castiel; Michael and Lucifer didn’t seem to have much troubles doing so. Then again, they both presented as Alphas too and used their natural leadership skills to start two successful businesses, leading good, moral lives with their own mates and pups. Neither of them was condemned to Hell the moment they were born.

Castiel remembered Mother’s anger when he presented and she caught him masturbating, trying to satiate that _itch_ deep inside him with his own fingers while fever rocked his body. The faint scars on his back were a constant reminded of that awful day, the very day he brought shame on his entire family. Even Father abandoning them for a young female Beta wasn’t this humiliating, because most people blamed him for it. On the other hand Castiel presenting as an Omega threw a shadow over entire family. Gossips started that Novaks secretly engaged in deviant sexual acts or took part in criminal activities, which invited demons to their household to turn one of the sons into Omega. Since nobody openly spoke those accusations, the Novaks weren’t able to fight them. Frustrated with the whole ordeal, Mother decided to prove people wrong by showing her unquestionable morality and raising Castiel into a good Christian. Becoming a priest was a desirable fruition of her efforts… and yet here she was, still expecting him to fail. Castiel couldn’t blame her for not having any faith in someone like him.

In contrast to Mother’s amusement and curiosity, his brothers seemed as condemning as other churchgoers. Throughout their whole lives Michael and Lucifer tried distancing themselves from Castiel, only interacting with him under direct order from Mother. On several occasions when Mother left them home alone, Michael and Lucifer would simply shove him inside a closet, block the door with a chair and leave him in complete darkness for hours, ordering him to pray and ask God to help the family after humiliation they endured with his presentation. Maybe those prayers contributed to their success in life?

No, it was _arrogant_ to think that Michael and Lucifer had anything to thank him for. He only caused them problems, but hopefully one day they’ll be able to forgive him.

One of the priest cleared their throat, causing Castiel to glance over his shoulder and see Father Joshua giving him a pointed look. A cold sweat appeared on his skin when Castiel realized how much time he wasted staring at the crowd instead of starting the sermon already, so he quickly turned back and spoke to the microphone: “Ever since their creation, God deeply and unconditionally loved His human children, seeing them as His most perfect work.” The words he wrote and memorized a long time ago echoed inside the church, spread around by speakers hanging on every column. “In His infinite generosity God blessed people with eternal life and a beautiful place they could go to after death to live together in peace, away from earthly sufferings, away from inescapable threat of growing old, sicknesses and pain of losing the loved ones: Heaven.”

Castiel faltered when a sound of snickering came from the crowd, loud enough to be heard over his strengthened voice. He didn’t dare to search for the person who produced it and continued as if nothing happened.

“But not all of God's children were accepting of that special love as one of the angels hated humanity and felt jealous over it. In his arrogance he tried to rebel against God, only to be cast from Heaven and imprisoned in Hell for eternity as a punishment. Still, even from his cage Satan is plotting. In attempt to corrupt humanity and make it turn away from God, he created a bastardization of God's work: male Omegas whose job is to spread among people and tempt Alphas with promise of temporary sexual pleasure at cost of their eternal salvation.”

Although his heart was still beating furiously and breathing came with difficulty, Castiel found himself speaking with new confidence. He didn't believe he deserved a place in Heaven despite becoming a priest to earn God's mercy, but he believed in _God_ and _His greatness_ , so ability to praise it came easily to him.

“As the Old Testament says” Castiel glanced down at the blurry text of the Bible and squinted his eyes to get it into focus “' _If an Alpha lies with a male Omegas as he does with a woman, he has committed an abomination_ ', Leviticus 20:13. That's because in God's plan _only_ women, regardless of their designation, were intended to bear children. Engaging in sexual intercourse or procreating with male Omegas is an _affront to God himself_. Resisting the urge to do so can be a great challenge, because Satan made male Omegas as irresistible as possible, arming them with delicate features that resemble those of women and tempting, sweet scents which becomes even stronger during heats. But giving into that desire means losing a chance at eternal salvation. I urge every single one of you, not _just_ Alphas, to fight against it. In a moment of weakness pray to God for strength, because He has your best interest in mind and shall help you.”

Castiel scanned the crowd and noted that most people relaxed, some smiled amicably, when he reached the conclusion of his sermon. Even Mother and brothers seemed pleased.

“Go in peace to love and serve the Lord” Castiel finished.

“Amen.”

One after another people started leaving their seats on the wooden benches and headed toward the exit, filling the church with sounds of footsteps and cheerful conversations. Castiel gently closed the Bible, exhaling in relief. He did it. He managed to successfully give his first sermon. Unfortunately, despite calming down it would take some time for the stench of sulfur he surely produced out of nerves to evaporate. Best to clean himself a little in a bathroom sink, so other priest won’t have to smell it.

Due to noise accompanying churchgoer's departure, he didn't hear Father Joshua stepping closer and only noticed him when he was already in Castiel's view.

“Come” Father Joshua ordered. “Let’s see people off.”

Together they headed down the altar’s steps, leaving the usual post-mass clean-up to other priests, and approached the main entrance. Immediately several attendants turned back to speak with Father Joshua, either to ask question regarding faith (all of which were met with “Why won’t you visit us during Bible readings on Tuesday or Saturday evening? I’ll make sure to clear your doubts then.”) or gardening as he was known for his wide knowledge about plants. When Father Joshua wasn’t busy running the church, he spent free time overlooking its backyard as gardening was his personal passion. If you ever called for him around the church and he didn’t respond, you’d find him outside, completely lost in taking care of the plants. It was the only thing that could distract him from serving God, which Father Joshua sheepishly admitted to.

While Father Joshua was always showered in praise after giving sermon – and _rightfully so_ , because _nobody_ was as skilled in describing God’s glory and then presenting it with the same passion as him – people mostly ignored Castiel as if he wasn’t even there. In the very least they weren’t giving him dirty looks anymore. He stood patiently, listening to the conversations and Father Joshua’s warm laughter that burst from his mouth every now and then.

The church emptied almost completely and the last person just finished talking with Father Joshua, when Castiel was _startled_ by his Mother approaching.

“Is that the way you're going to greet me, Castiel?” she commented, wearing a calm smile.

“I apologize” Castiel choked out. “Good to see you, Mother. Did you enjoy the sermon?”

“As a matter of fact I did. More than I expected.” She turned to Father Joshua and her smile widened, joy softening her features and filling her eyes. Such expression was never directed at Castiel as long as he lived. He was a disappointment after all. “Father, I'd like to thank you for accepting Castiel into your church. I'm aware his presence here puts your good name in danger, but name of our family name was tarnished the day he presented. While his ordination didn't completely remove the shame we feel, having a priest in the family is still a great honor.”

Sharp pain stabbed at Castiel's heart as if someone buried a knife there. The words spoken by Mother were hurtful, but unfortunately true, so he remained silent. Sounds of cars and people passing by were coming through open church door, along with morning breeze that blew over his face.

“Please, don't worry about my good name, Mrs. Novak” Father Joshua insisted, waving his hands in dismissive gesture. “I'll gladly risk it to help your family. That's my job as a cleric. And I'm sure Castiel won't disappoint you again.”

“I can always hope.”

Despite how hurtful their words were, Castiel understood this was part of his penance for being a male Omega. Ever since birth he was condemned to Hell, blocked from entering Heaven as a demonic creation, with his only purpose in live being tempting good and moral Alphas away from eternal salvation. By becoming a priest he hoped to not only stop corruption naturally seeping out from him to the outside world, but hopefully also earn place in Heaven.

Yes, words might hurt, but spending afterlife in Hell will hurt even more. He knew the burning sensation that awoke in his body during heats and recognized it for a constant reminder of his hellish origins that it was. The desperate need to slide fingers inside him and satiate the overwhelming lust without doing so was horrible. He always spent those long, three days every few months kneeling by his bed, not daring to lay down on sheets that would tease his body, and praying to God for strength. Giving in would ruin his chances for gaining God's mercy.

Today he officially started his long journey down the road of salvation and hopefully one day he'll earn the right to enter Heaven.

_Dear God, please, have mercy on my soul._


	2. The Day That Changed Everything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not entirely satisfied with how this chapter turned out, but hopefully you'll all enjoy it.

Father Joshua's smile was as bright as the summer sun shining high in the sky. The warm light bathed entire garden in its rays, bringing out the breathtaking intensity of colors from flowers, bushes and treetops. Not a single cloud dared to interrupts this picturesque scene. Various scents ganged thick in the heated air, teasing Castiel's nose.

“Isn’t it beautiful?” Father Joshua priest commented.

For a brief moment Castiel couldn’t find his voice, overwhelmed by the view.

“It-it’s stunning” he eventually managed.

Father Joshua looked at him over the shoulder, still wearing a satisfied smile. This was the first time he ever directed such expression toward Castiel and the younger man’s heart fluttered, cherishing it more than the beauty of garden before them.

“I had a crazy idea to start holding Bible readings here” Father Joshua said and chuckled “but then I realized how challenging it would be to keep pups attention. They're already quite distractible when they have to sit for an hour inside, let alone if we gathered them outside on a summer day.”

Castiel nodded in understanding. In the past he frequently witnessed how annoyed parents dragged their screaming or crying pups out of the meeting room, threatening to punish them for misbehavior while apologizing to Father Joshua or another priest who lead Bible reading that day. Later during meals he’d hear all about the scenes that took place behind closed door, like pups trying to  _climb a bookshelf_ out of boredom or simply sliding off their chairs to play on the floor with toys they smuggled in. Although he understood such practices weren't tolerated in the house of God and fully supported their banning, he couldn't help but feel sorry for the pups. They had all that youthful energy pumping through their veins and demanding release, yet were expected to sit around for an hour and listen to adults talking. Maybe inventing games for the pups and having them participate in re-enactments of events described in the Bible would prove more engaging?

_Oh, so you think that you know better than Father Joshua?_ , he immediately chastised himself. _After all the support he showed you, now you’re spitting in his face as a sign of gratitude. But what else to expect from male Omega?_

How insolent of him! This right here was the reason why he wasn’t allowed to lead the Bible readings or even interact with the pups: so he won't corrupt their impressionable minds with arrogance and ungratefulness!

Two years in the church and Castiel still had to work on his attitude.

“Unfortunately, I discovered a colony of lice eating on some plants” Father Joshua revealed, pointing toward oleanders growing under church's walls. On closer inspection Castiel spotted yellow dots covering leaves and bottom parts of buds. “I wish I could to something about them right away, but I'm out of insecticide. Heaven knows how much damage they'll do until Friday when Father Inias will be able to buy some for me.”

A deep regret chased away the previously cheerful expression of older priest's face. Poor Father Joshua. He works so hard in the church, helping faithful followers and spreading God's message, and now his only form of relaxation was being spoiled by a bunch of pests.

“Can’t you ask him to go today?” Castiel wondered.

“If I could, I _would_ ” Father Joshua scoffed. “He’s busy with preparation for Saturday picnic.”

Weekly shopping was among Father Inias' responsibilities as he was the only priest with valid driving license and buying food for everyone – not to mention additional items that turned out to be necessary during passing week – required usage of pick-up truck belonging to the church. If Father Inias wasn't able to go earlier, than Father Joshua will have to wait three more days. But the sadness visible on his face broke Castiel's heart. The older priest deserved all help in the world.

“Maybe I shall go?” Castiel offered. “I could take a bike.”

“That’s unnecessary waste of time. You have other things to take care of.”

“I won’t be long, an hour at most.”

Castiel waited for Father Joshua to consider the idea, a familiar pressure reappearing on his chest and preventing him from breathing freely. The heat present under his skin due to hot summer heathers increased.  _Please, let me repay for your kindness, even though I’m not worthy of it_ .

“Alright” Father Joshua eventually said, easing the pressure Castiel felt. “But I expect you to fulfill your other duties without excuses.”

“Yes, Father!”

Although the older priest didn’t seem completely convinced, he waved his hand for Castiel to follow and lead him to a small shed situated behind the clergy house where all gardening tools were stored. “I’ll show you what exactly to buy” he explained and started scavenging through colorful cans containing different kinds of chemicals. Low clinging filled the space and Castiel waited patiently in the open door with cool air inside the shed granting him some relief from hot weather, only to be surprised by Father Joshua speaking again: “So why did you want to talk with me in the first place?”

Castiel's heart gave out a nervous flutter as he remembered the reason why he joined Father Joshua outside in the first place. It wasn’t a pleasant conversation for either of them and Castiel hated himself for forcing the older priest to go through it, but they couldn’t avoid the subject indefinitely.

“I wanted to report that n-next week I won’t be… won’t be able to attend my responsibilities… for three days” he stammered, staring at Father Joshua’s back.

The immediate response he got was exactly the same as on any previous occasion when brought the issue up: Father Joshua massaged his temple and inhaled deeply like he was collecting energy to continue.

“Are you sure about that?” he asked calmly.

“I-I… Yes, Father” Castiel assured, despite the fact that he wasn’t. His… his _heats_ – he cringed internally at the word – were very irregular and he could only take a wild guess based on symptoms to predict their timespan. Today he awoke with sore throat, oversensitive skin and leaking _slick_ from his bottom, which were solid clues that he’ll enter heat in about seven days or slightly less. He was hesitant to make such prediction, but other priests had to be warned in advance and Castiel wanted to ease things for Father Joshua, considering how much troubles he was already causing.

“Alright” Father Joshua said, returning to his search. “I’ll have someone else cover for you.”

“Thank you, Father.” Castiel wanted nothing more than to end this awful conversation, but the shame over being such a big problem overtook him and words pushed pass his mouth before he was able to stop them: “I apologize so much! I understand how much stress I cause you and I wish to stop somehow, I _swear_ —“

A long  _bang_ cut him off. He lowered his eyes in shame,  staring at the can Father Joshua slammed onto the shelf.

“ _Enough_.”  The usually kind voice of older priest sounded like a growl of wild animal and a sour stench of annoyance emitting from his body reached Castiel. “Your apologies won’t change anything, so just continue serving the Lord and hope for His mercy.”

Another “ _I apologize_ ” was at the tip of Castiel’s tongue and he barely held it back.

A fter agonizingly long pause the  low clinking  of cans  once more filled the shed as Father Joshua returned to his search. Castiel listened to it, keeping his eyes fixed on the floor. He didn’t dare to raise his head. He didn’t dare to make any move that could provoke  an  attack.

Why he always screwed up like this? Every single time he wanted to make things better, he only angered people around him. To think that he was able to aggravate the normally patient and calm Father Joshua… He really  was for good for nothing, except corrupting innocent hearts. Over and over again he had to relearn that  as hard as he might try, he’ll never be fully free of his toxic, hellish origins, a lesson Mother and Father repeated to him constantly. Apologies were meant to earn forgiveness and sympathy from other people, but male Omegas didn’t deserve those. All Castiel could do was to serve God in hopes that one day he’ll be granted entry into Heaven as a reward for leading moral life.

Soon Father Joshua dug out an empty can of insecticide and passed it to his younger apprentice. Still not having the courage to raise his eyes, Castiel reassured that he’ll be back in an hour and hurried out of the shed. On his way to the clergy house he didn’t notice anymore the previously alluring scent of flowers and plants that surrounded him.

It was the middle of summer and sun mercilessly scorched everything around with black- colored priest suit working as perfect focus point for hot rays. Unlike in the church’s garden, on the streets there were no convenient shadows cast by trees to hide under, so Castiel quickly found himself overheating and getting covered in sweat. He determinately ignored the  uncomfortable sensation of cotton clothes clinging to his skin and kept pedaling toward the flower shop located half an hour away from the church, while thoughts rushed inside his mind.

Two years. He's been a priest for nearly two years now and hardly changed his attitude, still trying to  _manipulate_ people into sympathizing with him when he should understand already that he didn't deserve it.  Only through leading dutiful, moral life can he earn salvation and yet he constantly tried to make others like him.

Maybe Samandriel’s parents were right? Maybe Father Joshua shouldn’t have given him a chance?

Ah, here he goes  _again_ , questioning Father Joshua and acting like he was better suited to make moral decision.

However, no amount of self-chastising could make him forget about the awful incident that occurred four months after his ordination or stop him from feeling responsible. When he met  Malachi and April Kelly , an Alpha couple who recently moved into suburbia to escape city clamor and raise their son in safety, he immediately saw the warning signs: Samandriel’s soft features, smaller than in other boys built and unusual obedience. He spent every evening since then praying for God to have Samandriel in his care and protect him from sharing Castiel’s fate.

All of it was in vein, because six weeks later Samandriel presented as male Omega. That news broke Castiel’s heart and he wept over the poor pup, and the pain he’ll have to endure to hopefully one day earn place in Heaven.

Malachi and April showed up in the church soon after on a chilly, autumn day, demanding to speak with Father Joshua. Their arrival was announced by a loud bang when  Malachi threw the front door wide open, smashing its wings against stone walls, and quick footsteps as they headed down the nave toward Castiel. Even now, despite exhaustion from pedaling and scorching heat that ripped his body apart, Castiel  _vividly_ remembered their barely withheld fury. He knew they wouldn’t dare to harm him in the House of God, but still felt uneasy and lead them straight to Father Joshua’s office without trying to tackle the problem on his own. Although he was desperate to find out new information about Samandriel, he didn’t want to  eavesdrop . It turned out to be unnecessary anyway as the whole argument was clearly audible around the church.

“ _You have to fire him, Father!_ ” Malachi shouted. “ _When you allowed him to become a priest, you invited sin into this church and look at what happened! Look at what happened to our son!_ ”

Castiel couldn’t make out Father Joshua’s response, muffled by the closed door.

“ _We were always faithful Christians!_ ” April cried out. “ _I don’t understand why demons would target us!_ ”

Once again Father Joshua’s words were impossible to understand.  Despite his previous resolve Castiel listened closely to the exchange, staying as motionlessly as possible, but the wind banging against church’s windows made it harder to hear. The autumn cold filled the building and seeped through Castiel’s clothes, sending chills down his spine.

“ _But they deserved it!_ ” April protested.

“ _We’ve heard what people say about them!_ ” Malachi joined. “ _The Novaks were already corrupted when_ he” the last word was spat out like something disgusting stuck in  Malachi's mouth “ _presented as Omega! It was punishment from God!_ ”

“ _Am I to understand that you’re engaging in immoral activities as well?_ ” for the first time Father Joshua raised his voice enough to be audible.

Pure shock filled  April ’s response: “ _No, of course not!_ ”

“ _Then what makes you believe in gossips about the Novaks? And what makes you believe that you know better than_ me _if it’s okay for someone to become a priest? Arrogance is a sin and you displayed plenty of it right now, so d_ _on't_ _sit here and tell me you're completely blameless._ ”

A silence stretched for what seemed like an eternity. Finally  April spoke again: “ _We cannot attend this church as long as_ he _is serving in it._ ”

“ _That's your choice to make. Lord granted you free will to use, so I won't be stopping you._ ”

The  Kellys stepped out of the office with sour expressions. One their way out  Malachi caught  a sign of Castiel and walked closer to him, spreading aura of cold fury. When he spoke, his voice was low and calm: “ _You're lucky to be wearing a priest suit. Otherwise I wouldn't hesitate to give you exactly what you deserve._ ” And with that he followed his mate outside, leaving Castiel frozen in shock.

In the end the  Kellys weren't interested in proving their unshakeable morality like Mother was and they left Samandriel at the nearest foster home. They never returned to the church and Castiel noticed that several more faithful followers also stopped coming to the masses, but aside from that nothing have changed. Father Joshua only incidentally addressed the situation when he spoke about some arrogant people thinking they know better than him what's best for the church.

Castiel slowed down the bike and then stopped completely to catch breath. Sweat and wet hair covered his forehead, and the priest suit was practically glued to his skin. He leaned against handlebar, closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, fresh air only marginally soothing the burning sensation in his lungs. He could smell more clearly than  usual different array of scent surrounding him: dirt, sweat on people passing by – mostly Betas – and exhaust fumes from cars on the street.  _Strange_ . The summer weather was unforgivably hot, that’s true, but in the past Castiel was able to ride  the bike for longer distances without problem as breeze created by fast movement cooled his warming body; not so much today. Was that the effect of his incoming heat?

When he opened his eyes again, dark spots danced in his field of vision, slowly fading away and then pulsating back in place each time Castiel blinked. This isn’t good. He needed to visit the flower shop and head back as fast as possible before he faints from overheat. The short break he took allowed most sweat to evaporate, so he should be fine.

Sluggishly Castiel put one leg on a pedal, pushed himself of the ground with the other and started driving again, setting an easier pace now.

It didn’t take long for him to realize that the bottom of his pants was still damp or how  _wonderful_ the sensation of saddle brushing against his butt felt. He halted in place as cold horror  _clamped_ around his heart.

The heat has started already.

_No. Nononono._ This couldn’t be happening! Not a  whole week earlier than he anticipated, not while he was in _the_ _middle of street_ and at risk of losing his control to lust the moment he catches a scent of an Alpha.

The image of being buried under a large, muscular Alpha thrusting into his wet hole, filling him with semen and promising in low growls to put pups inside his belly appeared in Castiel’s mind.  _Stop! Don’t even think about it!_ , Castiel cut that train of thoughts when his cock twitched in interest. He had to go back  _now_ . He had to be stay strong until he returned to his bedroom in clergy house to wait out the next three days, away from Alphas to tempt and corrupt.

Of course Father Joshua will be angry at him and Castiel whined softly over being such disappointment, but beating his own breast bad to wait. If only he could tear his legs from the ground and turn around…

A new, delicious scent filled his nostrils right before he heard familiar voice say “Father?” and there was  April as if she stepped straight out of his memories, standing in front of worn-out apartment building. Right behind her  was Malachi and two other male Alphas he vaguely recognized from Sunday masses, but who’s names he couldn’t recal l .  He didn't know what to do, the decision to turn back reduced to a mere whisper behind thick wall of need, a need to move closer and bury his nose against  April ’s neck where that enticing scent would be strongest.

“Is something wrong?” she asked, completely oblivious to his sinful thoughts.

Dear Lord, he had to…  _had_ to head back to the clergy house before he does something awful and ruins  April ’s innocence…

Why won’t his muscles _move_ ?

“Everything’s fine” Castiel choked. “I a-apologize for… t-troubling you. I need to… to…” He couldn’t form full sentences anymore. The smell coming from April was frying his brain circuits.

To make matters worse M alachi and two other Alpha stepped closer, their thick scents joining  April ’s to mesmerize Castiel further.

“Stop wasting time talking to this bitch” Malachi told his mate while keeping eyes fixed on Castiel. “Who cares what’s wrong with him? After what he did to our—“ Suddenly he cut off, blinking in surprise, and his nostrils flared as he inhaled deeply. “Fuck, can you smell that?”

April and the two Alphas  sniffed the air as well. Castiel’s heart sped up at the realization that they  _could smell his heat_ . Panic spreading through his chest briefly overpowered the lust and he raised one leg up to put it on a pedal, ready to bolt from here. He had to go now or might not have enough clarity of mind to turn back later.  _Move_ , he ordered himself, but remained in place, chained there by the mixture of scent  coming  from  four  Alphas.

Slowly four pair s of eyes  rested to him.

“The bitch's in heat” the taller of two nameless Alphas noted with delight, sending shivers down Castiel's spine. How could he move when a horny Alpha stood here?

“Well, well, well” April cooed. “Didn't expect to come across an Omega in heat while visiting our friends. Certainly not _you._ ” She gave Castiel a solid once over. “I must admit you always looked _so_ _delicious_ at the altar, giving your little sermons. Wondered how you would look like naked and pinned under me on the bed.”

Castiel whined need il y at the visual put inside his head by  April and more slick leaked out of him, adding to the mess already  present in his pants. He  _knew_ that he should head back, that it was the right choice to make and staying here he was threatening his chances at earning salvation… yet he didn't budge.

“Now you have a chance to find out” the other nameless Alpha pointed out.

“Please… I need to…” Castiel started again and stopped.

Malachi walked to Castiel  with calm lust replacing the previous disgust visible on his face whenever he looked at the younger priest.  “What do you need, huh?” he murmured, reaching to fondle Castiel's butt. “To get  _fucked_ like a bitch you are?”

The moment hand brushed against his wet pants, sending  waves of indescribable pleasure through his body, the dam burst and all emotions he held back for years flooded his mind.

_Nothing_ mattered anymore, except for that hand and horny Alphas  before him .

“Please… _Fuck me_ …”

Two pairs of hands grabbed onto him and pulled him inside the building, up the stairs and inside an apartment  _saturated_ with scent of  fours  Alphas.

And then Castiel got lost in pure  bliss .


	3. Exile

He woke up in bed, laying on his chest. For a moment he had no idea where he was and looked around for anything familiar with one free eye, the other one buried in a pillow; his own steady breath bounced back from the soft material and brushed soothingly against his face as if inviting him back to sleep.

He quickly assessed this wasn’t the modest bedroom he occupied at clergy house and kept neatly clean. Crumpled clothes were scattered over the piece of floor visible in his field of vision, something he would never allow to happen in his own place, and the walls were covered in light and dark blue stripped wallpaper instead of being painted in unobtrusive beige. He stared at those things in surprise, but his sleepy mind didn’t start figuring out yet where he could be.

A sudden shiver run up his spine, rocking his entire body awake, and Castiel blindly reached for a duvet to cover himself, only for his hand to land on bare bedsheet. He tried to feel around for the duvet, but couldn’t locate it; probably kicked it off in his sleep. Never mind, he should get up anyway and determine why he slept in a different room. With a groan he stretched, noting how unusually sore his muscles and joints felt, and raised on his elbows—

Only to become painfully aware that he was stark naked.

“What…?” Castiel gasped.

He rolled onto his side and stared at his own nudity in shock, feeling his heart speeding up. As he struggled to keep on breathing through clenching throat, he noticed numerous smells that saturated the bedroom: stench of horny Alphas, Omega’s heat and something unfamiliar to him, a mixture of sweat, musk and _pleasure_. What was it? He shifted to sit up and get a better look on his surroundings, but a jolt of pain in his asshole stopped him halfway. He quickly returned to previous position and waited for the throbbing to subdue before twisting around to check out his lower back. Unfortunately, he wasn’t able to see anything except his tight, so he reached down to feel for injuries. He gasped at the sensation of something dump as he run fingers over his sore rim, but when he raised his hand up, he didn’t see blood. Instead his fingertips were covered in nearly clear, slightly white substance.

That’s when the memories from past few days flooded back into his mind.

_…heated hands on his sensitive skin, exploring every last inch of his exposed body… lustful voices promising to show him a good time… cock after cock after cock stretching his mouth and rim, keeping him filled at all times and soothing the sensation of flames consuming his insides that build in him for years-long abstinence…_

Bile rose from Castiel’s stomach to his throat and he leaned over the edge of the bed to throw up, but all that came from his mouth was dry heaves and some spit that pooled on the floor.

 _Sweet Jesus_ , what have he _done_?!

Breathing greedily to calm down his restless stomach, Castiel remained in this position for awhile. Slowly everything returned to normal and he chanced sitting up again, vary of his sore rim. Jolts of pain shot through his nerves as he shifted, making him grimace in discomfort, and turned into a dull throbbing once he took new position. _Lord Almighty_ , he could… he could _feel_ semen leaking out of him. Just the idea of being full of cum like a _breeding whore_ … He quickly cut that train of thoughts and breathed steadily when his stomach revolted again. He wasn’t even sure if there was something for him to throw up – he didn’t feel empty, to be honest he didn’t feel _anything_ beyond nausea – but didn’t want to risk it.

Castiel was completely alone inside the room, its door shut tightly. The sunrays seeping between slats of lowered blinds provided enough illumination for him to notice that among clothes strewn on the floor were empty beer bottles, burned out cigarettes and crumpled duvet.

What stood out the most to him, however, wasn’t a physical object; it was that _smell_ of sweat, musk and pleasure, which made him sick to the core now that he understood its meaning. He sat in half-light as full weight of his transgression sunk in. He _seduced_ four innocent Alphas, devoted churchgoers who led moral lives, and _corrupted_ their souls with his Omega filthiness. Despite his best intentions and attempt at becoming a good person worthy of eternal salvation, he gave into his natural, demonic instincts to spread immorality among people.

 _Years_ of hard work and abstinence went out of window within seconds. And to make matter worse, he endangered Alphas’ chance at entering Heaven.

Crushing guilt spread inside his chest and bitter tears wetted his eyes. It was _over_. Mother and Father Joshua granted him an opportunity to earn God’s mercy, only for him to blow it away. Didn’t matter anymore what he’ll do from now on. He was nothing more than a _filthy, disgusting_ _male Omega_ who deserved to burn in Hell for his crimes against humanity.

He had to get out of here. He knew he should stay and talk the four Alphas into visiting a church to confess their sin of laying with him, but was too much of a coward to face them.

Carefully to avoid making noise and hurting his rim any further, Castiel stood up. Immediately thick globes of semen leaked out of him and oozed down his tights. Castiel snatched a shirt laying on the floor and used it to wipe as much of the mess as possible while sobbing in shame. Never before has he felt so _dirty_. When he was done cleaning himself, he dropped the material without daring to look at the splotches covering it and searched around for his clothes. He found them in a corner, tangled and saturated with stale stench of Omega in heat. Despite revulsion raising in his stomach, Castiel slipped them on and made his way to the closed door.

There was nobody in the hallway, but voices of four Alphas chatting happily and joking around came from a room situated at the far end of it.

“Damn, I’m so _spent_ ” one of the Alphas who’s name Castiel couldn’t recall said. “That bitch milked me good. Don’t think I’d be able to cum again even at gunpoint!”

A choir of laughter erupted inside the room. Castiel faltered on his way to what seemed like the front door, feeling a painful squeeze around his heart.

 _“Bitch”_. That’s what he was reduced to: a used up _bitch_ leaking cum everywhere.

“No wonder” April commented. “He took our cum like it was going out of style!”

Even more laughter, followed by Malachi’s words: “I think he was a virgin too! Have you felt how _tight_ his ass was?”

“I _can’t believe_ we came across a virgin Omega wandering outside at the start of his heat and begging to be knotted!” April agreed. “Such things happen only in porn!”

Castiel couldn’t listen to their chatter anymore, shame and guilt crushed his chest in iron grips. If he stays here for even a moment longer, he’ll crumble to the floor and won’t be able to stand up anymore.

He forced his legs to move, each of them feeling like it weighted a ton, until he reached the main entrance. He opened the lock and unfastened security chain, straining his ear to catch if one of the Alphas heard him despite how quietly he worked, then slipped outside and carefully closed the door behind him, producing only a soft _click_. The moment he reached the staircase, he bolted down and run outside, getting slammed with wall of fresh air after days of being locked inside. Variety of scents – car fumes, sweat of people around, heated dirt – attacked his nostrils and Castiel had to use building’s wall for support. It was another hot summer day and he quickly found himself covered in sweat. He couldn’t recall what happened to the bike he took – whenever Alphas took it inside the apartment as well (he certainly didn’t see it on his way out) or if they abandoned it downstairs for anyone to take, so he started walking.

The road back to the church took a lot longer than Castiel anticipated, partially because he struggled to remember where exactly he should go, his mind still hazy from the heat. He kept his head down in shame the whole time like a criminal avoiding police. And in a way he _was_ one, but his crimes were committed against humanity and God himself.

Eventually he reached a familiar neighborhood and run the rest of the distance toward clergy house despite chocking summer heat that surrounded him.

Now that he returned safely and stood alone in dim entrance hall, he didn’t know what to do next. His first instincts was to take a shower and wash away all evidences of sinful practices he participated in, come up with a believable excuse for why he was gone for three days and continue serving in the church like nothing ever happened, but the sensation of damp guilt made Castiel realize that wouldn’t be able to face others if he lied to them in such serious way. No, he had to face the consequences of his actions.

A sound of footsteps rumbled down the stairs leading to the first floor, causing Castiel’s heart to freeze in place. He wasn’t ready to speak with other priests yet.

“Castiel?” Father Joshua’s voice reached his ears and seconds later the older priest rounded the staircase to walk up to him. Dark expression twisted his features and sour stench of angered Beta spread in the air. “Where on Earth have you been?!” Father Joshua spat. “You were supposed to return in an hour and instead vanished for _two days straight_!”

“I… m-my heat… it s-started earlier…” Castiel managed to choked out before his throat closed.

“That doesn’t answer my question. You should’ve headed back here if that was the case.”

Swallowing helped to ease the tension around his neck somehow, allowing Castiel to speak again: “It started abruptly. I didn’t… didn’t have time to r-return…”

Words got stuck in his mouth when confusion appeared on Father Joshua’s face. He froze in place, watching the older priest inhale deeply and his nostrils flare intensely as he took in the full essence of new, unfamiliar aroma filling the entryway. Castiel fought a losing battle to make his heart slow down, knowing that nerves caused his scent to become more intense and easier to read, even for Betas who had weaker smelling sense than Alphas and Omegas.

“Your smell…” Father Joshua murmured, stepping closer to sniff at Castiel. “It’s different than before… Why would—“ Suddenly understanding slammed into him and Father Joshua narrowed his eyes dangerously. “ _What did you do_?” he asked in low growl.

“I-I didn’t want it” Castiel swore.

But he was laying. He _begged_ them for more, the memory of his hoarse voice echoed in his mind even at this moment: “ _Please, don’t stop… fill me up with your pups…_ ”

Father Joshua looked like a completely different person, his soft features hardened in barely contained fury and muscles strained like he was seconds away from attacking Castiel. “So, you spent two days _fucking_ with Alphas and got yourself _bred_ with bastard pup?” he growled.

 _“Bred_ ”?

Was he… pregnant?!

“How _dare_ you show up here after what you did?!” Father Joshua continued. “I gave you a chance to earn God’s mercy and this is how you repay me, you filthy Omega whore?!”

In two quick steps he closed the distance separating them. Castiel covered his face on reflex and his heart stopped beating completely, but instead of delivering a punch, Father Joshua grabbed onto his priest jacket and ripped it off his back, leaving burning marks everywhere where the material slid over Castiel’s skin. Then Father Joshua threw the piece of clothing on ground as if it was a dirty rug.

“You are no longer a member of this church!” he announced. “Get out!”

“Please, let me explain—“

A strong shove to Castiel’s chest knocked the air out of his lungs as Father Joshua unceremoniously forced him backward through the entrance door. He stumbled on a doormat and dropped down, scraping palms of both hands and a forearm on heated stone road when he tried to ease the fall. He sat straight up, hissing due to stinging pain in his hands, and looked at Father Joshua who stood in threshold, towering over him. The older man’s burning fury turned into a cold, disgusted expression. Much to Castiel’s horror there was a sense of finality to it.

“I foolishly believed I could turn you into a good Christian despite what everyone said” Father Joshua confessed in chillingly calm voice “but you had to go ahead and prove them right. To make me look like a _fool_. I will never forgive you this humiliation, Castiel. _Never_. As far as I’m concerned, you _deserve_ to burn in Hell.”

With that he shut the door, once and for all putting an end to Castiel’s life as a priest.

It was truly ironic how pleasant this sunny day felt, cheerful voices of children playing close by and alluring scents of well-groomed flowers from Father Joshua’s garden spreading in the air, when compared to the hollow sensation in Castiel’s chest like someone scooped all his inner organs and left only empty shell behind. Castiel didn’t know how long he sat on the stone road and stared at the clergy house, but eventually he found himself standing up and heading toward the street. There was nothing for him to do here anymore. No amount of pleading would convince Father Joshua to change his opinion. Castiel didn’t deserve his mercy anyway, not after what he’s done.

He wandered around the neighborhood, overtaken by numbness. He barely noticed other people’s presence and was sure they didn’t pay him any attention as well. The sun beat on his now exposed arms and neck, and heated the remaining dark clothes that covered the rest of his body. He was sweating profusely, yet barely noticed that as legs took him ahead.

Slowly numbness melted away from his mind like a layer of ice and he was able to collect his thoughts. He was chased away from the church by one of the few people who ever showed him kindness, forced to leave behind all of his belonging in the tiny room he occupied for two years. Since he was shunned by the rest of community, he never made any friends or even casual acquaintances. With no physical possession and nowhere else to go, there was only one place left for him to head to.

Home.

Despite her displeasure at having male Omega for a son, Mother always stuck with him. Maybe… maybe she’ll look past his sin and take him in once more?

His childhood house, now occupied only by Mother as Michael and Lucifer lived with their own families, was situated on suburbia ten minutes from the church. When Castiel was a little pup, Mother insisted that they all walk on foot to morning masses regardless of how cold it got outside. Life seemed so much simpler back then. Castiel remembered how Michael would hold his hand during their strolls and on rainy days help him clear large puddles. After he presented as Omega, Michael started ignoring him and reacted with disgust whenever Castiel even brushed against his arm on accident. Lucifer on the other hand always kept a distance, embarrassed by the prospect of getting caught with his pup brother by one of his high school friends; the distance only deepened over time until it resembled a wide chasm.

Over the years two-story house didn’t change whatsoever on the exterior. Its white walls – repainted countless times in the exact same shade on Mother’s insistence – appeared orange and navy roof tiles black in sunset light. Lights were turned on in the living room and music seeped through a crack in open window. Castiel paused in front of short wooden fence and listened to calm, classic music, struggling to work through his nerves. He didn’t return here once since he became a priest. “ _Now that you have a new place to stay, I see no reason why you should keep showing up at my house. It’s about time you start fending for yourself, Castiel. I cannot keep supporting you forever_ ” that’s what Mother said to him when he asked for permission to visit every now and then. Of course, he knew that Michael and Lucifer were permitted to do that.

Now he had a reason to return. The question was, how Mother will react?

For a moment he could swear a burning sensation roared under the faint scars on his back, the same one he felt on the day of his presentation as Mother hit him over and over again to stop him from masturbating, but it disappeared the moment he took a deep breath. Must’ve been just his imagination.

He forced himself to move through the fence and up the front porch, wooden floor creaking under his feet, only to freeze in place with a finger hovering over the doorbell. _You can do it_ , he reassured himself. _Mother was always there to take care of you. She’ll understand. She… she_ must _understand that you didn’t mean to—_

The front door swung open and Castiel jerked back, suddenly standing face to face with Mother. She looked curiously at him, wearing a calm smile and casual clothes, her hair usually tied in a tight bun hanged loosely over her shoulders.

“I knew I could hear someone walking on the porch” she said. “What are you doing here, Castiel? Why aren’t you wearing a priest suit?” Before Castiel could answer, she sniffed the air and her eyes turned into a small slits, drilling straight into his soul. “And why are you smelling like this?”

‘ _Like this._ ’ Mother was aware where that change in his smell came from, Castiel saw it in her expression, but she always expected him to admit to any sin on his own.

“May I come in?” Castiel pleaded. “I’ll explain everything. Please.”

After a brief pause, which seemed to drag on for eternity to his pounding heart, Mother lead him inside and into a living room. He took a seat on a coach while Mother turned the music down, then sank onto an armchair across of him. He could feel her staring at him silently without asking questions or encouraging him to speak. Simply she waited like a predator hiding in bushes and watching their pray, looking for the right moment to strike.

Swallowing a bulge that clogged his throat, Castiel started talking, not daring to look back at Mother even once. He revealed every single shameful detail he could remember from previous two days: how much he begged the Alphas to fuck him, how much he enjoyed it at the time despite his current regret; all those horrible memories filling his mind that showed what a filthy creature he truly was. Mother didn’t interrupt him once and when he finished, a ringing silence appeared between them, broken only by some voices slipping inside through the opened window. He waited with heart pounding desperately behind his ribs, unsure what the final verdict will be.

The first words Mother spoke in familiar, disinterested tone cut through him like a knife: “What exactly are you expecting from me, Castiel? I assume you didn’t show up here just to confess.”

“I w-wanted to ask…” _Sweet Jesus_ , breathing was so difficult right now. He felt like a small pup again, standing under Mother’s scrutiny and shaking in fear at upcoming punishment. “…if I could m-move back h-here. I have nowhere else to go.”

He chanced a glance toward Mother, only to meet her unimpressed gaze.

“And whose fault is that?” she asked simply. “You show up here, acting like you’re blameless and _expecting_ me to take you back after everything you’ve done, but I must disappoint you.” Mother leaned forward, staring straight into Castiel’s eyes, her expression stern. “You’re not blameless and I’m _certainly_ not helping you.”

“Mother—“

“ _Don’t_ interrupt me or I won’t be responsible for my actions.”

Castiel shut his mouth. He knew Mother wasn’t one to make idle threats, faint scars on his back a physical prove of that.

When it became clear he won’t try speaking again, Mother continued: “You seem to believe that you words carry some sort of weight. Apparently two years of serving as a priest and giving sermons got into your head, so allow me to correct that assumption: when you spoke to people in the church, you were only repeating words taught to you by me, Father Joshua and  people morally superior to you. Tell me, Castiel, what would you be without us?”

As painful as those words were to hear, seeping deep into his core and crushing whatever impudence remained there, Castiel understood that they were true. Still, he couldn’t stop sensation of needles prickling underside of his eyelids.

“I asked you a question” Mother reminded.

“Nothing” Castiel choked out an answer, slowly losing a battle against tears that threatened to spill out. “I’d be nothing but a filthy, sinful male Omega.”

“And that’s precisely what you are now.”

Even before Mother said those words out loud, Castiel knew them to be true. The moment he gave into the urge to breed, implanted in him by demons, and seduces the four Alphas, he spit in God’s face, irreversibly ruining his chances at spending afterlife in Heaven. Yet despite all of that he still thought he could continue living among Lord’s faithful followers who respected His word written in the Bible. Castiel learned years ago that demons worked in sneaky ways: if they weren’t able to tempt people into sinning, they attempted to earn pity and slowly corrupt pure hearts.

Wasn’t that what Castiel did the whole time? He _lied_ to Father Joshua that he didn’t want to have sex with those Alphas, painting himself as innocent victim, and now he wanted to gain Mother’s sympathy.

“We tried to help you, me and Father Joshua” Mother’s calm voice broke past his thoughts “to save you from eternity in Hell despite your sin of presenting as Omega and you thanked us by getting pregnant with a bastard pup. I see no reason to give you a third chance.” Her lips stretched in a smirk. “I must give it to you though: that’s one spectacular way to show us off. Most male Omegas would settle for corrupting one Alpha, but you went for _four_ at once.”

“I didn’t mean to…” Castiel muffled, feeling his eyes getting wet.

Mother stood up and stared at him like at a cockroach that sneaked inside her kitchen. “Save the tears, they’re not working on me. Now get out and never return. You’re not my son anymore.”

With nothing else to say, Castiel rose from the couch and headed outside, left completely alone in this world.

 

***

 

The sun finally hid behind the horizon, making way for darkness of night to envelop the sky in its navy cloak. If one lived on countryside or drove toward city limits, they’d see an array of jewelry stars sparkling high above their heads, but from a place where Castiel sat – in the middle of park, under bright light of street lantern – the sky had an solid, murky color that resembled one of his tormented soul.

After Mother disowned and thrown him out, he wandered around the city borders until he came across a wooden bench and just _collapsed_ on it like a puppet with its strings cut. He wasn’t aware of falling night or people who passed him, took one look at his sloppy attire and hurried away without uttering a single word to defeated, lonely man. His chest felt completely hollow and his heart beat so slowly he could barely notice the shy flutter. As residents of apartment buildings surrounding the park readied for well deserved sleep, Castiel remained in place, having nowhere to go and nobody to ask for shelter, even if for just one night. Father Joshua and Mother chased him away, Michael and Lucifer wouldn’t even want to talk with him… He was truly alone in this wide, cruel world, his last flicker of hope extinguished within mere hours.

Could he blame anyone, though? He committed a hideous sin. He corrupted four of God’s faithful followers and their immortal souls were now tainted, their right to eternal rest in Heaven jeopardized.

And all because Castiel had to spread his legs, and tempted them with his slick hole. It was impossible for an Alpha to decline such advances from male Omega, because demons made them as irresistible as possible. A perfect lure for innocent hearts.

Burning, acidic hatred exploded in Castiel’s chest.

_Disgusting._

No wonder everyone treated him like trash. He _was_ one. He wanted to destroy himself, to ruin this treacherous work demons created so carefully.

His hands flew up as if on their own accord and hit him in the face. The physical pain awoke a wild satisfaction in his heart. _This is what you deserve._ He hit again and again, and again, punching his cheeks, forehead and jaw, taking pleasure in every scream of his nerves.

He grabbed onto his hair and _yanked_ , ripping several strands in the process.

_Filthy scum._

Palms of his hands throbbed from the effort and his entire face was pure pain, but he had no intention to stop. He wanted to continue, delivering a merciless blow after blow, until there was nothing left of him but chunks of flesh, until he bled and lost that godforsaken ability to bear children—

Suddenly the anger disappeared, leaving him with one hand raised in the air and aimed at his belly. The feeling of hard wood under his back and legs helped him realize what he was about to done.

This pup hasn’t done anything and he was ready to _kill it_ to relieve some hatred he felt toward _himself_.

“Dear Lord…” he cried out and hid his injured face in the palms of his hands, ignoring the dull pain that intensified due to his new position. He _deserved_ to suffer for what he almost did.

In the past Father Joshua informed him that any pup born from male Omega was also condemned to Hell and had to earn entrance to Heaven. Although Castiel never voiced his opinion, he never understood why those small, helpless creatures that never committed any crime had to pay for their parents sins. Even if they came into this world tainted by male Omega’s demonic origins, baptism cleansed everyone’s soul and allowed them a fresh start.

A new flicker of hope came to life in Castiel’s heart.

It was too late for him already, he knew that, but if he managed to deliver this baby and have it baptized, it surely would be granted eternal salvation by merciful God.

Maybe in the end Castiel’s life will amount to something good?


	4. Life on the Streets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy crap, this chapter took forever to write, laregly due to personal and professional life getting in the way. From how things are going now, the updates will probably remain rather slow, but I'm determined to finish the story, even if I have to cut certain parts and speed through others, because I hate when stories I enjoy get abandoned and I don't want to do that to you, guys.

Castiel woke up to the sounds of cars driving in the distance and gravel crunching under people’s feet as they wandered around the park. He couldn’t immediately recall how he ended up here, laying on his side on a wooden bench with his forearm as a makeshift pillow, blinded by too bright sunlight. He slowly sat up, wincing at the jolts of pain that shot through his back and neck due to hours of sleeping in uncomfortable position.

Then the memories of previous day’s events faded back into his mind.

He had nowhere to be, nowhere to rush, so he remained on the park bench for quite some time, feeling completely drained despite hours-long sleep he just had. The world around him continued living as if nothing important happen yesterday, as if the heartbreak and rejections he received were meaningless. He saw a young woman – maybe in mid-twenties – opening a bakery across the street; she greeted a man who was passing by with a bright smile and they exchanged few words before she disappeared inside the shop, and the man wandered away. Castiel’s heart squeezed painfully at this view. Oh, how much he wanted to join these people and pretend for a moment that his life had a meaning, but that would be an illusion bound to vanish eventually to reveal the ugly truth.

His entire existence was just a worthless tool of corruption, the recent events proved that beyond any doubts. After all, he didn’t intent to seduce the Kellys and their two friends, yet he did it regardless with his mere presence.

He didn’t want that. He didn’t want to rob any more innocent people of their chance at eternal salvation.

 _I could put a stop to it_ , Castiel realized. There were _methods_ , easy and full-proof, to end his corruptive ways. He wouldn’t have to corrupt souls anymore. For example, he could climb one of the apartment buildings lined around the street until he reached the roof and—

The pup.

A cold sweat spread on his skin when he remembered about it. What was he thinking?! He wasn’t responsible only for himself now. He _couldn’t_ destroy that innocent, helpless life growing inside him to end his sinful ways.

 _Disgusting_ , he thought in anger. _Always focused on yourself. Hell is too good for selfish monsters like you._

A sharp sensation in his stomach like it was caving on itself snapped Castiel out of self-chastisement and he enveloped his abdomen in vain attempt to ease the pain. _Sweet Lord_ , when was the last time he ate? Certainly during a lunchtime at clergy house, shortly before he went out to buy the insecticide, but afterward was a mystery. Did the four Alphas feed Castiel while he was in heat? He didn’t _feel_ hungry at the time, but the shock could’ve easily distracted him from empty stomach.

Slowly the steel-tight clamp around his stomach let go and Castiel was able to focus once more. Regardless of when he last ate, he had to find a steady source of food for upcoming months to ensure pup’s healthy development. But how could he obtain it? He had no money on him; in fact he never possessed any to begin with as all of his basic necessities were either provided by Mother or paid for from the church’s budget and he didn’t dare to ask for more luxurious items like new books to read when there were used copies laying around. Even the copy of Bible gifted to him by Father Joshua came from second hand and he treasured it, only pulling it out when he needed reassurance that the path he chose was righteous. Of course, it was still tacked away in his – no, not _his_ anymore – nightstand at clergy house, so he won’t be able to flick through its pages and feel softness of bible paper under his fingertips ever again…

 _You were the one who led to this situation_ , Castiel reminded himself.

Sighing in defeat, he returned to contemplating his current predicament. The most obvious solution would be to get a job and earn money for food. Unfortunately, he never learned any practical skills besides praying, writing sermons and taking confession. He was fairly good at solving puzzles in newspapers – crosswords, Sudoku, spot-the-difference – and Father Joshua showed him how to pluck weeds out, but none of those seemed particularly helpful. Castiel had no knowledge and no practical skills to find a job.

Mother was right: he was _nothing_ without her and Father Joshua.

Another sharp pain squeezed Castiel’ stomach, chocking the air out of his lungs. _Sweet Jesus_ , he was so _hungry_ … He struggled to breathe evenly and stared across the street where the young woman was swiping sidewalk in front of the bakery. Maybe he could approach her and ask for something to eat? She probably would have an old bread she didn’t manage to sell before it dried off—

Did he seriously fell so low that he wanted to _beg_?

A deep shame filled him, only to be overpowered by hunger. _You’re not living for yourself anymore_ , Castiel remembered. The sharp pain in his stomach eventually faded away, but he kept hands pressed against it, knowing that there was a life growing inside. Yes, he had to focus on doing what’s best for the pup and if it meant begging other people for food, then so be it.

He stood up from the bench, wincing at sudden jolts of pain that shots through his back, hip and neck due to hours of sleeping on his side on plain wood. He waited until it subdued a bit, then headed out of the park and across the street where the young woman was setting up a standing board with list of available items written on it outside the bakery. The closer Castiel got, the faster his heart beat as memories of open disapproval and outright hostility he received from people throughout his entire life played at the back of his mind. Any moment now the young woman will raise her head up, take a sniff of his scent and spit out that she has _nothing_ to sell to a dirty, used up male Omega.

But when she did look up, alarmed by shuffling of his feet on the stone sidewalk, she greeted him with a warm smile, even though she clearly inhaled to check his gender.

“Hello” she said. “Would you like to buy something? We have everything crispy fresh, baked this morning.”

Castiel stood frozen in place, unable to speak due to a lump that swelled inside his throat. This was so much _worse_ than open hostility he expected. The woman _knew_ what he was as she openly inhaled the smells of heat, sex and pregnancy that he reeked of since yesterday, but continued to treat Castiel with respect like he was in no way different from other customers; her natural aroma of fresh latté, inconspicuous like scent of any Beta, showed no sign of displeasure. Did nobody ever warn her about damages a male Omega could do to her soul?

 _Dear Lord_ , this was _terrible_. She was completely unaware of danger Castiel posed to her. She would be easily swooned by any sob-story he’d tell and just as easily corrupted.

Slowly the cheerful expression on woman’s face morphed into confusion.

“Is something wrong?” she asked.

Those were the exact words April Kelly spoke to him right before he—

No, he couldn’t allow it to happen again.

He spun around and run away, desperate to put as much distance as possible between himself and the woman. He heard her worried calls, which only made him run _faster_ , afraid that she’ll follow him and then he won’t be able to resist seeking comfort in her friendly presence. He didn’t stop until he couldn’t see the bakery or the park anymore. Gasping for air, he leaned against an apartment building. The chill coming from brick wall cooled his overheated body, a soothing contrast with hot weather, but he had no mind to appreciate it, too horrified by the recent realization.

Because Castiel grew up in tightly-knitted community where all members knew of male Omegas’ corruptive nature, he simply assumed everyone was like them. He never even _imagined_ there could be people out in the world who _weren’t_ warned about it, but the woman’s open friendliness toward him worked as an eye-opener.

Finding a job was out of question. He had to stay away from people to avoid corrupting someone by accident. He didn’t mean to seduce the four Alpha and look how _that_ ended.

Clearly, his mere presence was a threat.

 

***

 

Later that day, when hunger became unbearable, Castiel discovered a plastic bag filled with chunks of dried off bread hanging on a large trash container’s handle. Whoever left it there apparently didn’t want to throw it inside so that some homeless person could safely eat the content.

A gentle sensation of needles prickling at the underside of his eyelids caused Castiel to blink rapidly – _he_ was homeless now – and he had to step out of the back alley to calm down. He wanted to walk away and forget about his finding, about the feeling of humiliation that spilled around his chest, but hunger kept him pinned in place. From this position he was able to glance back at the plastic bag. If he took it, he’d have food for entire day or maybe a little longer…

 _Jesus Christ_ , was he seriously considering taking someone’s _trash_ to eat?

In the end hunger won over shame and revulsion, and Castiel took the bag. He wandered around the street in fading light of sunset until he came across a wooden bench at the back of a museum, discreetly hidden out of people’s view by bushes. It took him several more minutes of fighting with himself before he reached inside the bag and fished out a piece of bread. The first bite surprised him. He fully expected the bread to be contaminated by germs and dirt, and thus taste horrible; instead it was only a little hard and bland due to age. He greedily consumed the entire chunk in his hand, then washed it down with water from a drinking fountain. He felt much better afterward, his hunger subdued for the moment, but satisfaction didn’t last long. As the day passed and night covered the sky in its inky darkness, Castiel realized that he’ll have to rest on the bench again. Not only today, but most likely every day from now on.

He laid on his side, holding the plastic bag closely to his stomach and waiting for the sleep to come, troubled by painful thoughts.

Mother, Michael and Lucifer were probably heading to rest as well. Of course, they had comfortable mattresses and beddings to use. Did they bothered to spare him a thought or moved on with their lived after his exile like nothing happened? Castiel knew that they barely interacted with each other in past two years, but still… they were his family…

He sobbed, feeling tears spill out of the corner of his eyes. He didn’t deserve to be remembered or grieved over, yet in that warm summer night he wished that there was _someone_ out there who would miss him.

 

***

 

Despite his best efforts to save the bread for as long as possible, eating only enough portion each time to stop his stomach from squeezing painfully, Castiel run out of it by the evening of next day. He spent that night repeatedly falling asleep and jolting awake due to overpowering hunger that left him feeling like he was about to vomit with saliva flooding his mouth, but there was nothing for him to expel, so he ended up leaning over the edge of wooden bench, breathing heavily and praying for his stomach to calm a little. As he laid down after each attack, he held a hand firmly pressed against his belly, haunted by images of bleeding from between his legs, of failing the little pup like he failed everyone else.

In the past he frequently stumbled upon a homeless person begging for money or food and even though he didn’t have much, he always gave them something to eat, understanding their desperate need for help. However, _understanding_ another person’s pain and actually _living_ through it were two very different things.

 _I have to find a food tomorrow, no matter what_ , he’d repeat to himself, slowly falling into another restless sleep.

In the morning Castiel was unceremoniously awaken by a harsh voice of security guard from the museum shouting at him to scram. He jumped up, ignoring sore muscles, and run away. For a moment he was convinced that the man would chase after him to deliver several painful blows as a punishment, but when he stopped several streets later and glanced back, the guard was nowhere in sign.

Thirsty from running, he entered a public bathroom, relieved himself and took several deep gulps of chilly water straight from the faucet before starting to search for food around the city. He was tempted to ask inside bakeries, cafes and shops for some old food, but held back each time. No, he _mustn’t_ do that. No matter how hungry he was, he _couldn’t_ _risk_ corrupting anyone.

Instead he checked around and even – _Sweet Jesus_ – inside trash containers. Unfortunately, the only things he found were either uneatable to begin with, like banana peels and eggshells, or rotten. The stench of decay was amplified by scorching temperature and it attacked his nostrils, causing him to gag. This was what his life turned into: digging through stinking garbage in hopes of finding something to eat and all because he couldn’t keep his legs together. Part of him wanted to drop down and sob, while the other felt a bitter satisfaction. _This is what a worthless whore like you deserves_ , he thought as he swallowed tears and continued looking through containers. _To eat trash, because_ you _are a trash._

When the night came and Castiel haven’t found anything, he exited the last alley he checked and looked around the street, unsure what to do. He was hungry, thirsty and deadly tired, but didn’t know any place where he could rest. The light breeze that came after scorching day and caressed his overheated body hardly provided any comfort, because all Castiel felt at the moment was blind panic.

He didn’t eat the whole day and the bread from yesterday hardly counted as a nutritious meal. What will become of the little life growing inside him if this situation keeps up?

A pleasant smell of vanilla pierced through surrounding scents of brick, dirt and car fumes, reaching his nose seconds before he heard: “How much?” It was spoken in pleasant, but lustful voice that brought memories of filthy words the four Alphas purred into Castiel’s ear as they used him over and over again for two days.

Castiel snapped his head up to see a male Beta standing on the corner of the streets only few feet away, arousal blatantly visible on his face. The man was in early-to-mid forties, had a receding hair line and wore a black suit with a black shirt that were meant to look tailor-made despite clearly coming from a mass production.

“Excuse me?” Castiel responded.

“How much do you charge for your services?” the Beta clarified, speaking with a Scottish accent. When Castiel continued staring blankly at him, he sighed impatiently. “Blowjobs? Penetration? Those sort of things?”

Understanding washed over Castiel like a bucked of cold water.

“You have a wrong idea. I’m not a prostitute.”

“That’s okay” the Beta assured, showing off his blindingly white teeth in wolfish grin. “I can still pay you if you’re interested in having some fun. I make more money than most Alphas and I can satisfy my partners as well as they do. You won’t be disappointed.” He gave Castiel a once-over and licked his lips hungrily. “Damn, it’s been a long time since I had an opportunity to play with pregnant Omega. How about two hundred bucks for full service, blowjob and penetration?”

 _Dear Lord_ , it was happening all over again. Without meaning to do so, he tempted another innocent person to enter a road of corruption!

“Sir, this is a sin” Castiel choked out. “You’ve got to fight the temptation!”

The Beta snorted. “Are you for real? You fucked with four Alphas and got yourself pregnant, and now you’re playing a preacher?”

A jab of pain stabbed at Castiel’s heart. He _used to be_ a preached and having the man unknowingly throw that fact in his face scratched at the still healing wounds.

 “This isn’t about me” he explained weakly. “It’s about your immortal soul—“

“Look” the Beta snapped, raising his hand to silence Castiel “the offer is simple: you go with me and I pay you two hundred dollars, which you could _clearly_ use, or I’m walking away right now. Made your decision.”

 _Two hundred dollars._ That wasn’t a whole lot and they’d probably last him for mere week, maybe longer if he rationed carefully, but at this moment, as hunger crushed his stomach, thirst burned his throat and his legs threatened to give out any second, they seemed like all the money in the world. He was tempted to say “yes” – he was a worthless, used up whore already, so it was a logical step to take – and even opened his mouth to speak—

Before reality slammed back into him and horror enveloped his heart. He was ready to sacrifice this man’s well being to satiate himself when his current situation was his own fault to begin with.

 _How easy_ was it for Castiel to give into his demonic nature!

“N-no” he cried out, shaking head violently. “I-I can’t… Please, _leave_.”

“Your lost” the Beta stated matter-of-factly and started walking away. He paused briefly, glanced back at Castiel with a smirk and added: “I hope the pup grows up healthy.”

When his footsteps once again echoed around the street, Castiel tore his eyes away from Beta’s back to look down at his belly. He didn’t feel anything out of ordinary when he pressed a hand against it, but he knew that in a couple of months the stomach will swell to accommodate for the developing pup.

Then the memories of horrific image that haunted him through the night returned: blood gushing out of him as the small flicker of life growing inside his womb faded away…

“Wait.”

The Beta paused and turned back, one of his eyebrows lifted in silent question. He didn’t say anything, didn’t try to encourage Castiel to make the choice.

“I… I’ll do it.”

Those words came out a lot easier than he expected. Funny. He fought for over twenty years to be a moral person and yet managed to give into his nature as demonic whore without much struggle.

 

***

 

Days turned into weeks and those became months.

Slowly the weather cooled down, forcing Castiel to exchange his old outfit for warmer clothes he dug out from trash and cleaned to the best of his abilities in a river, but the chill water didn’t help much in getting rid of faint stench of decay they were saturated with. Although he stopped paying attention to it over time, one look at other people’s disgusted expressions worked as a reminded of bitter reality. Ashamed, he started spending most of the mornings and afternoons hidden in his den made out of cardboard boxes and old duvets, and located in a back alley, only resurfacing for food when sun has already disappeared behind horizon. Only occasionally a homeless person or kids hanging around would wander into his place, then leave quickly once they realize there wasn’t anything interesting to find.

Waiting for the night to come, Castiel would lay down, sometimes chewing on what little food he had left from the previous day, and gently fondle his belly. At the end of October he discovered a little baby bump forming and nearly cried, unable to contained the joy that filled his heart, threatening to drown him in the overwhelming, warm sensation. Despite the hunger that twisted his stomach and cold that sipped through his clothes, for the first time in a long time he felt nothing but pure happiness.

 

***

 

Dark clouds covered the sky and icy drizzle continued falling down, keeping the streets and sidewalks wet. Castiel hurried toward the back of Palace Restaurant where employees’ entrance was located, clutching the collar of trenchcoat tightly around his neck to prevent any stray droplets from getting under his clothes; his face, hair and shoulders were already damp from rain, and water seeped through the soles of his old, punctured shoes so much that he felt like he was walking barefoot. He wanted to return as fast as possible to his den and dry out.

The weather proved to be increasingly more difficult to deal with in the past few weeks. Cardboard boxes he set up as walls soaked the rain like a sponge and while he tried to counter that problem by spreading foil over them, it didn’t help against the water that collected on the ground and on several occasions he woke up to wet bedding. And soon it’ll start snowing. He had no idea what to do. He tried to search for an abandoned building to relocate into, but there were other homeless people residing in every single one he came across, innocent people who for sure would become victims to his corruptive nature, so he always returned to his den, more and more afraid that he’ll catch flu or something worse.

Lately the nightmares about waking up and discovering that he bled at night tormented Castiel every time he fell asleep.

The majestic building of Palace Restaurant with its decorative, carved walls and columns appeared before Castiel after a turn. He faltered for a moment, hearing a roar of laughter erupting inside. Next to one of floor-to-ceiling windows sat a large group of people dressed in suits – the restaurant didn’t allow anyone to enter without formal wear – consuming an expensive dinner and even more expensive champagne, several opened bottles scattered over the round table. They were probably celebrating a successful business deal, but Castiel didn’t care about that. He stood under the chill drizzle and stared at delicious food. Only when several of people inside gave him a disgusted look, he hurried away and entered the back alley.

Next to the door for employees, hidden from customers by a brick partition, stood a row of metal trash cans. Castiel made sure nobody was around and quickly searched through the garbage.

Unfortunately, there was nothing eatable inside.

He slammed the last metal cover back in place with more force than he wanted as frustration filled his mind. This was the last of his usual scavenging places that he checked today and _none_ of them held any food. Which meant that he’ll either continue searching around the city under the shower of rain and risk catching cold or spent the entire night hungry.

The pup needed food, but if Castiel falls ill with no means of getting treated, then both of their lives—

 _No, don’t even consider that possibility,_ he immediately cut that train of thoughts. _You’re responsible for taking care of the pup. Stop wasting time or you indeed won’t locate anything to eat today._ Castiel inhaled deeply to calm his burning frustration and headed toward the main street.

Suddenly the world spun around him, nearly making him fall down. He grabbed onto the nearest wall, wet brick scratching against his palm, and waited for the dizziness to pass as hunger crushed his stomach.

He couldn’t stay like that forever. He had to keep going. For the pup.

So even though his legs felt weak and vision was blurry, Castiel pushed away from the building and stumbled out of the back alley. He paused on the sidewalk, barely noticing cars that passed by on the busy street. Where should he go now? He already checked all his usual spots, didn’t he? He was pretty sure he did. The only thing he could do now was search around every alley in the surrounding area. Yeah, he should do that. But first he had to catch a breath.

As he stood under the chilly onslaught of rain, his eyes landed on a black car parked right outside the back alley. It was an old model from sixties or seventies, large and imposing. Castiel never knew much about old machines, but Michael was _obsessed_ with them and was able to instantly recognize the model, what year it was created in and other facts, like how many copies were sold. After he started his own business, he made a hobby out of buying classic cars, driving in them for several months and then changing for a different one. On numerous occasions he expressed disappointment that he wasn’t able to keep every single one of them.

Castiel’s heart fluttered painfully at the mixture of hope and fear that filled it. Was it possible this beautiful thing belonged to Michael and he was somewhere close? It was certainly the type of car he would drive, with its polished body that felt smooth under Castiel’s fingers—

“Hey! Keep your hands off my car!”

He snapped his head up to see a man and a woman standing near the main entrance to the Palace Restaurant, both protected from the drizzle by a large umbrella they shared.

“Are you deaf?” the man repeated in deep, commanding voice that left no doubts about his status as an Alpha. “Get away from it!”

A couple of seconds passed before Castiel realized that no, he wasn’t staring at Michael. The Alpha didn’t resemble his brother whatsoever with his light hair, strong jaw and plush, feminine lips that seemed odd on someone of his gender designation. And the woman – clearly his date – looked nothing like Michael’s mate, having tanned skin and long, dark hair combed in soft waves streaming down her shoulders.

He had no reason to stay here then. There would be no tearful family reunion he secretly dreamed of for since his exile. His brothers and Mother were most likely at their homes, dry and warm, eating a delicious dinner.

With disappointment squeezing his heart, Castiel stepped away from the car and the happy couple to continue his search—

An ear-piercing sound of car horn filled the air and Castiel jerked his eyes to the left just in time to see a pair of blinding headlights closing in on him.

Then a sudden _yank_ caused him to fall backwards and onto a wet, hard sidewalk. Burning pain _shot_ through his back on the impact, choking air out of his lungs. He gasped, struggling to breath, vaguely aware of the havoc around him. There were people _screaming_ , asking about what happened… But all he could focus on was the Alpha kneeling above him, worry twisting the man’s face.

“Dude, are you okay?”

The last thing he noticed were the man’s green eyes, which shinned beautifully in the soft light coming from the restaurant. When combined with those plush lips and light hair, he looked _heavenly_.

 _Like an angel,_ Castiel though.

Then darkness covered everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took only four chapters, but Dean's finally here.
> 
> Also, the Beta who paid Castiel for sex was indeed Crowley, in case you're wondering. Originally, it was some random dude, but I always prefer to use canon characters over the made-up ones, so I've changed it.


	5. A Good Samaritan

The emergency room in Saint Patrick’s Hospital was in full-on mode, a completely normal state for Friday evening when people are celebrating the upcoming weekend with lots of alcohol. Even through closed door of doctors’ resting area – being able to sit here instead of waiting room was one of the perks of knowing a stuff members personally – Dean could hear raised, panicked voices and hurried steps no matter how much he tried to tune them out. Those noises made him uneasy and judging by faint bitterness in Lisa’s scent, they had the same effect on her as well.

He didn’t expect to end up here today, sitting on the old couch that stopped being comfortable years ago and awaiting news about the homeless man he barely dragged from in front of a speeding truck.

The day certainly proceeded ordinarily enough. He got up at five a.m., ate a light breakfast consisting of granola bar, an apple and a glass of orange juice as dictated by his diet, then spent half an hour on a treadmill and took a quick shower before driving to work. On the way to Sandover Bridge & Iron Inc. he listened to another part of audiobook “Slaughterhouse-Five”; Dean liked reading classic literature even if he’d rather chop his hand off than admit that publically, but his job didn’t leave enough time for him to just kick back in an armchair and enjoy a novel, so this was the only way he could keep up with his hobby. Better that than nothing, he supposed.

Ten-hours-long workday passed in a blurry of documents that needed reading and signing for yesterday, business meetings with people whose names Dean didn’t remember until he checked them in a notebook and pretend-laughing at Mr. Adler’s bad jokes, because Dean really hoped for the promotion Mr. Adler hinted at since the year begun and _dammit_ if he won’t butter it up to that fake asshole just to earn it. He had no intention of blowing his chances now after all the hard work he did for years.

So yeah, nothing out of the ordinary, except for the fact that he left the office two hours earlier than usual to pick up Lisa for a date. They haven’t seen each other for almost three weeks due to the amount of work Dean had, which left him drained off any energy and uninterested in going out.

What a failure of an Alpha he was that he couldn’t regularly take his Omega somewhere nice.

 _Just trying to earn money for our future_ , he often reminded himself, but that hardly did anything to silence the vicious whisper at the back of his head. He already limited seeing his friends and even family to bare minimum in order to achieve this goal. Maybe once he gets that promotion he’ll be able to free his schedule for important things, like visiting Sam and Pam more often, considering that they’re living only an hour away from Dean’s apartment. He haven’t seen them for _two months_ now.

Dean almost snorted, realizing that he finally managed to meet with his brother and all it took for him to do it was some homeless guy nearly getting run over by a car. _Well, at least now Dad can’t complain that it was ages since I last checked in…_

“Fuck!...” Dean groaned.

“What’s wrong?” Lisa asked, looking at him with concern.

“I was supposed to call my parents last week…”

Standing up, he fished out a cell phone out of his pocket and speed-dialed his parents number. He paced back and forth in the small space of the resting area. When John Winchester answered the phone, he barely mentioned the long period of silence from his son, but combined with defeated sadness in his voice it only increased the heaviness of guilt in Dean’s chest. Dad assured that everything back home was fine and he was obediently eating “ _the_ _rabbit food_ ” as doctor prescribed. As usual Dean promised that he’ll call again soon, which they both knew from experience won’t happen.

Once Dad hang up, Dean collapsed back onto the couch and spent several seconds, tapping the phone against his forehead. As if that would help in getting through his _thick_ _skull_ to call his family home more often.

“Is John alright?” came from the left.

Dean slid the phone back inside his pocket and turned to Lisa. “Yeah, he’s fine. Just disappointed his own son doesn’t remember to check up on them regularly.”

Lisa opened her mouth, but whatever she was about to say – probably excuse about Dean working hard and not having time to talk with his own parents – was interrupted by the sound of resting area’s door opening. They both glanced toward the entrance to see Sam sneaking inside, exhaustion deeply engraved on his face. The noises coming from the reception briefly grew stronger before they were once again muffled by the door.

“Sorry to have kept you waiting for so long” Sam started as he sunk down on top of a coffee table. His normal Beta scent of waffles and cream was laced with smell of sea water, a general sign of tiredness. “I had to patch up two other patients who were in pretty bad state.”

“Don’t worry about it” Dean said. “So, how’s the guy doing?”

“He woke up shortly after the ambulance brought him in. He’s very thin and clearly malnourished, but otherwise seems fine, so I ordered a nurse to keep him in bed for the night and administer parenteral nutrition. Not much I can do beyond that.”

Logically Dean understood where his younger brother was coming from: the man was homeless and undoubtedly didn’t possess a medical insurance, so even treating him for one night was a charity case on Sam’s part, something that he’s been known and _criticized_ for by hospital management. Despite what people were led to believe, healthcare was a business and doctor couldn’t just take care of everyone, no matter how much they wanted. Even now Dean was able to see frustration bubbling right under Sam’s skin in the way his features stiffened and lips pressed tightly together until they resembled a thin line as he spoke about the patient. Tomorrow he’ll give the man address of closest homeless shelter and then release him straight into November chill to fend for himself.

Yes, on _logical_ level it made sense, but it still _felt_ wrong. Dean remembered how the man looked at him back in front of Palace Restaurant, like he wasn’t quite _there_ , just barely conscious from the hunger. In that moment Dean’s heart squeezed and he instantly regretted shouting at him. Then regret was replaced by blind panic, however, as the man stepped away from Impala, swooning on his legs, and right before a speeding truck.

Dean had maybe _three seconds_ to react and he didn’t waste a _single_ _one_. He caught up to the man, grabbed onto his arm while praying internally that his grip won’t slip and yanked him backwards. Together they crashed on hard concrete and the truck passed safely, the gust created by its speed spraying Dean with rainwater that collected on the street. He glanced at Lisa who stood in the same place he left her in, her face painted by pure horror and the umbrella she held a minute ago laying on the ground, forgotten.

After he made sure she was okay – he didn’t know _why_ he thought Lisa was in danger to begin with, probably just the effect of shock – he looked down at the homeless man. He expected to see a similar expression to his girlfriend’s, only to be met with surprise and… he probably just imagined it, but it looked like _awe_.

No, he _definitely_ imagined it. Why this man would stare at him like that?

“You already helped quite a bit, Sam” Lisa comforted.

“Still, wish I could do more for him and the pup.”

Dean jerked his head up. “What?!”

“You didn’t know?” Sam moved his eyes between the young couple, both stunned by the revelation. “He’s at least three months along and it’s very noticeable in his scent.”

Although there wasn’t much point in doing it, considering that he clearly didn’t realize anything at the time, Dean thought back to the moment when he knelt over the man, trying to recall if he felt any hint of sweet scent of pregnancy. The only things he remembered were stench of decay and sourness of fear from the man bellow him, surrounded by smell of wet air.

“I had no idea” Dean admitted. Suddenly an image of the Omega crushing down on hard concrete and crying in pain spawned in his mind. “Is the pup okay?” he asked quickly.

“I think so. I’ve scheduled an ultrasound scan for tomorrow to make sure, but, honestly” Sam sighed “even if the pup’s fine _right now_ , I don’t think it’ll survive to the birth, considering it’s father’s current condition.”

Sam’s words hanged in the air, adding to the already heavy atmosphere. Fuck, Dean couldn’t believe how serious the situation was. And to think that in the morning he complained about not having enough time from work to _read_. It was such a non-issue in comparison.

“Aren’t there any homeless shelters that could help him out?” Lisa wondered.

“Any place will take him. That’s not the problem” Sam explained. “The problem is, they’re not adapted to dealing with pregnancies, because they’re rare among homeless. The government supports financially pregnant people and families in difficult situations, so they almost never end up on the streets. Plus, the shelters are funded from donations, so they don’t have much money to spare anyway.”

“So you’re saying this man…” Lisa stopped short, unable to squeeze the rest out.

Sam nodded sorrowfully. “Most likely in his situation.” He contemplated the problem for a couple more seconds, then rose up from the coffee table. “I have to get back to work. It was good to see you both.”

Dean nodded absentmindedly, barely sparing a glance when his brother headed toward the door, so it was up to Lisa to say goodbye. He was too preoccupied thinking about the homeless man he saved today and the unborn pup that probably wouldn’t be able to survive nine months. Any satisfaction he felt for being able to finally take his Omega on a date after three weeks of rescheduling evaporated, leaving an empty space in his heart.

But as Sam said, there wasn’t much they could do beyond directing the man toward a homeless shelter.

What a pathetic excuse of an Alpha he was for standing by and doing nothing. His job was to protect others, so this powerlessness drove him crazy. He made a lot of money and yes, donated quite a bit of them toward various charities, but it didn’t seem to matter in that moment.

“Dean.”

He turned back to Lisa who watched him with sadness. Her make-up was gone, wiped without care during the wait, and hair hanged flat after rain ruined the carefully stylized haircut. Still, she looked beautiful, but he wasn’t as affected by it now as when they started dating two years ago.

“Let’s head back” Lisa said. “No more reason for us to stay here.”

Yeah, she was right. They only drove to the hospital to make sure the homeless man was okay and taken care for, which Sam confirmed. Now it was time for them to leave.

The emergency room was quieter now with only two people awaiting medical help together; the man held his head back and cloth pressed to his nose, while the woman was saying something to him, probably offering soothing words about how doctor will see him soon. Although it _was_ calmer, the air was still saturated with scents of pain, fear and impatience that irritated Dean’s nose. He turned around and along with Lisa headed down the corridor toward the back entrance where he parked. They passed by patients’ rooms, all of which had large windows that gave doctors and nurses an easy view inside, most of them currently covered with blinds for the night. But even when there was an open window, Dean tried not to look. After Sam shared the news about the homeless man, he didn’t want to see any sick people for today.

“Sorry that our date ended like this” Dean eventually broke the silence.

“It’s not your fault” Lisa pointed out, offering a faint smile. “Unless you planned the whole thing?”

Dean snorted. “You got me. In the past I was known for dodging sex with beautiful Omegas by saving someone from death.”

What little humor they managed to muster evaporated at the mention of homeless man. Silently they turned right and entered another corridor.

“When will we be able to meet again?” Lisa questioned.

“I don’t know” Dean admitted. “I need to check my schedule, move things around…” He glanced sideways at Lisa whose expression remained black, but her scent was underlined with disappointment. “Look, I hate that we can’t see each other more often, but I’m really hoping for that promotion—“

“I get it” Lisa cut him off “and I’m proud of you, I _really_ am. I just wish I could see my Alpha every once in awhile, that’s all.”

Dammit, he was tired of being a failure. Here was his Omega, his future _mate_ , feeling unappreciated, because he focused almost exclusively on work and neglected her needs. It didn’t matter that he was trying to secure comfortable life in a long run for both of them. The smell of upset Omega was driving his Alpha insane.

He stopped in place and turned to face Lisa, his hands raising up to gently rest on her shoulders. “After Adler gives me the manager position, I swear to take some time off work and go on vacation with you.”

Lisa didn’t seem particularly convinced though. “Will Adler let you do that? He’ll probably expect you to dive right into your new responsibilities and prove yourself.”

“No worries. I bring way too much money into the company for him to deny me.”

But Lisa wasn’t paying any more attention to his words. “Dean” she said, pointing at something above his shoulder. Flustered by the sudden change in subject, he glanced back toward one of the windows in patients’ rooms.

And there he was. The homeless man that Dean has saved today.

He laid in bed closest to the door, dressed in hospital gown and hooked up to IV stand. For a moment Dean thought he was asleep like the other three patients he shared the place with, but then he shifted and look down at his belly where his right hand rested. Now that Dean knew about the pregnancy, he had much easier time spotting a small swell on Omega’s body, even in dim lighting inside the room. Sam’s words – “ _I don’t think it’ll survive to the birth_ ” – echoed in his mind as he watched the homeless man continuously fondling his belly, unaware of death sentence looming over his pup.

Legs guided Dean inside the patient room without his conscious thought. Much like the rest of hospital, this place was saturated with smell of cleaning detergents and medicine. When he quietly took a step in, the homeless man raised his head up. His expression barely changed, but Dean noticed a hint of surprise in it.

“Hi” he faltered, masking nervousness with a smile. What the fuck was he even _doing_ here, bothering this stranger in his recovery. “Do you remember me?”

“Yes” the man nodded. His deep voice sounded like he dawned several shots of good scotch and Dean couldn’t help but like it. Hopefully the stranger didn’t _actually_ drink a lot of alcohol, thought. While an understandable way to cope with homelessness, it only added to danger looming over the pup.

Briefly the man glanced at other patients and once he ensured they were still asleep, he turned back to Dean. “I angered you by touching your car.”

 _Of course_ he would remember that part the best.

“Uh… yeah, sorry about that” Dean faltered.

“There’s no need to apologize” the man insisted. “It’s completely logical you wouldn’t want some homeless person to stain your beautiful car.”

 _Dammit_ , was that how Dean behavior looked to him?

“No, no, no. I wasn’t worried about that” Dean denied. “I don’t take kindly when people touch my Baby _in general_ , because last year someone left a _huge_ scratch on it and I had to repaint the whole body.”

“He was really upset about” Lisa piped in.

“ _Upset_ ” was a more PR way of describing it than “ _he was ready to put whoever did this th_ _r_ _ough a wall_ ”. Certainly made him look less like a stereotypical, raging Alpha.

“Either way” the man said “I’d like to thank you for saving us today”. He looked down at the swell on his belly for emphasis. “It was very brave of you.”

Despite his words and warm tone, Dean noted something else in his voice, something like… a regret perhaps? No, that’s _idiotic_ . There was _no way_ the man could regret being saved from death along with his pup. Dean must’ve imagined it. “You’re welcome. I recommend my services in the future” he joked.

There was nothing more left for them to discuss; Dean made sure the stranger was fine, at least for now, and was thanked for his deed. He should turn around and walk out to let the man rest, yet he lingered, reluctant to leave as Sam’s words continuously echoed in his mind.

He stepped closer to the bed and hesitantly grabbed onto chill metal railing at the bottom of it, unsure how to start the subject he desperately wanted to breach. From this close he was able to sense that the stench of decay he previously felt from the man was gone, replaced by biting scents of medicine and soap, and hidden under them Omega’s natural smell of apples. It was faint, but very pleasant to Dean’s nose, even more so than Lisa’s chocolate and strawberries aroma.

Fuck, was he _checking_ _the man_ _out_?

Flustered, Dean glanced over at his girlfriend who stared back with slight confusion. Of course, she didn’t know what kind of thoughts were going through his head and it was going to stay that way. _Focus, Winchester_ , Dean reprimanded himself and turned back to the resting man.

“Uh…” he stammered. “I know it’s none of my business, but… I’m worried about you and the pup. Don’t you have anyone to help you out? A family or friends?”

Just like that the Omega’s turned into a blank mask devoid of emotions, instantly shutting Dean’s mouth. He recognized this expression, a silent determination to hide the pain deep inside one’s soul, something he saw on several occasions in the mirror when he was asking himself why he bothered with that shitty job at Sandover. Clearly there was a long and painful history hiding behind that expression, and Dean was spitting in his own face for asking such stupid question. Obviously, if the man could reach out to family, he’d do so in the first place. They either weren’t capable of helping him or… or they didn’t want to.

Angered bubbled in Dean’s chest at the idea of someone refusing to lend a hand to a _pregnant_ Omega. Unfortunately, the world was a fucked up place and he’s heard about people abandoning their mates when they conceived. Was that it? Did some Alpha knocked the poor guy up and then run away from their responsibilities? If that was the case, he’d _love_ to have a word with that Alpha behind a closed door and out of everyone’s hearing range so that nobody could interfere before he was _done_ making his point.

Okay, he needs to _calm down_. Filling the room with a stench of pissed of Alpha certainly won’t do any good. It might only frighten the already miserable man.

“That’s not an option” the Omega answered eventually in a voice deprived of emotions, but despite his controlled demeanor he looked _defeated_. How _harsh_ a life has to be toward someone to reduce them to such state?

The thought of turning around and abandoning this man was unbearable. Dean shouldn’t have stepped inside this room and started talking, because now he found himself more emotionally invested in the problem than he was an hour ago. Back then he could assume there was no way for him to help, but now… now it felt like a lie. He was _rich_ . He had _enough money_ to afford helping someone.

And so he blurted out: “You could stay at my place then.”

With the corner of his eye Dean noticed Lisa’s shocked expression, which worked as a reality check.

What the hell was he _doing_ ? He just offered a _complete stranger_ who was, yes, pregnant and in desperate need of help, but also potentially dangerous a room in his apartment. Yet as he stared at the broken man before him and thought about Sam’s warning regarding the pup, he remained firmly set in his decision.

“W-what?” the man choked out, for the first time letting emotion freely slip out of him.

“I have a spare bedroom in my apartment” Dean explained. “You could stay there until the pup is born. Maybe even use that time to get back on your feet.”

The Omega stared at him intently, barely blinking the whole time, and something akin to awe once again flickered in his expression. Then it disappeared suddenly like someone flipped a light switch off and the man sunk onto himself.

“I c-can’t…” he rebuffed. “It’s _unsafe_ …”

Much to Dean’s surprise, Lisa joined in: “I know it sounds scary to move in with an Alpha you’ve just met, but believe me, Dean’s one of the kindest ones out there. You can ask around the hospital if you want. All stuff members know him and they’ll tell you just that.” When she was done talking, she gave Dean a I-hope-you-know-what-you’re-doing stare, which warmed his heart. Lisa might think his offer was reckless – and he _agreed_ – but she still fully intended on supporting him.

“Are you a doctor here?” the man asked.

“No, not smart enough for that” Dean denied with a chuckle. “My brother is. He was the one who checked you in.”

The man knitted his brows, struggling to remember. Man, he _really_ had to be out of it when he was brought to the hospital. “Doctor Winchester” he recalled.

“Yep, Sam Winchester, the oversized snot. I’m Dean. And this is Lisa, my girlfriend.”

The man nodded, but remained silent.

“What’s your name?” Lisa asked after a few seconds.

“Oh” the Omega flustered. “I-I’m Castiel.”

“That’s a…” Dean faltered. _Fucking weird name_ , his mind stubbornly suggested. “ _Unusual_ name” he settled eventually.

A confusion washed over Castiel’s face as he titled his head to the side and stared intently at Dean like he was studying some new, strange species of an animal. “It’s a name of an angel” he explained. “I don’t see how there’s anything unusual about it. Isn’t it tradition to call one’s pups after a servant of the Lord?”

Dean felt his eyebrows jump up and he glanced toward Lisa to confirm that yes, she was as surprised as he was. He’s heard that some people gave their pups names of angels, mostly for good fortune and protection, but for it to be such wide-spread phenomenon that someone could be _confused_ others didn’t expected it? Maybe Dean’s upbringing was at fault. His parents weren’t overly religious, even if they kept a close friendship with a local priest, and only insisted that he, and Sam go to a church on special occasions. When he grew up, Dean saw the religious believes as nothing more than bunch of naive fairy tales no better than the crap Disney movies displayed and he promptly left the church for good.

So yeah, _maybe_ it was his upbringing, but he highly doubted it. Lisa was just as thrown off as he was and nobody else he knew over the course of his life ever mentioned th is tradition. So more likely the problem was with _Castiel’s_ upbringing. Judging by the Omega’s puzzled reaction, it must’ve been rather sheltered.

“That’s the first time I’ve heard about it” Lisa responded. “You probably grew up in a very different environment then we did.”

Her comment prompted Dean to ask: “Where are you from anyway?”

“From here” Castiel revealed. “I… I used to live on suburbia…”

Which made the situation even stranger, but as Castiel’s face turned into a blank mask once more, Dean decided none of this matter at the moment. They were drifting away from the important subject.

“So, what’s your choice? Are you crashing at my place for the next several months?”

“Dean…” Castiel stared at him pleadingly as if he was wishing the Alpha to understand. “It’s not that I don’t trust _you_. The truth is I don’t trust _myself_ and that’s why I… I cannot accept your generous offer…”

An image of this broken, vulnerable Omega morphed in Dean’s mind into a picture of Castiel laying on a street, pale as death and covered in thick layer of snow, his hands wrapped protectively around his swollen belly and frozen in place by harsh weather.

His inner Alpha growled in rage. No, he _couldn’t_ allow it to happen.

He knew it was a _low blow_ , but he didn't hesitate before saying: “Think about what's best for the pup.” He knew he hit the nerve when Castiel's eyes fell on his stomach and a hint of fear glimpsed behind the blank mask he wore. Ignoring the painful jab in his heart caused by this view, Dean pressed on: “Come on, you can't tell me it's better for either of you to stay outside in this cold than at my place. And it's only going to get worse in upcoming weeks.”

Castiel opened his mouth, only to close it a second later.

Then with a sigh of defeat he finally said: “Alright. I will move into your apartment.”

 

***

 

The street was mostly silent, not counting an occasional car that drove by in the distance and voices heard from the residential block they were parked in front of.

“I still can't believe you did that” Lisa said. “That was absolutely crazy.”

Dean smiled at her shyly. “But _good_ crazy or _bad_ crazy?”

A second of silence passed as Lisa considered his question. “I think… good. That man really needs help right now and it was kind of you to take him in. Reminded me why I started dating you in the first place.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

She leaned forward and gently pressed her lips to his. From this close Dean was able to more easily smell her delicious scent of chocolate and strawberries, now filled with contentment. Although he didn't achieve the way he hoped for, Dean realized that he managed to make his Omega happy. His chest swelled in pride and he enveloped Lisa, pressing her closer to feel the warmth of her body.

 _Those_ were the moment he longed. The secure job and full bank account were nice, but nothing could replace a quiet, calm moment of holding his Omega close and showering her with kisses.

 _This_ is what life was all about.

“I'll see you tomorrow at eight...” Lisa murmured, breaking the kiss.

They agreed to pick up Castiel from the hospital together and then Dean would drive both of them to his apartment before heading to Sandover. He wouldn't be able to weasel his way out of working, so Lisa took the responsibility of helping Castiel to settle in Dean's apartment and keep him company.

“Technically, today...” Dean pointed out.

“So pedantic” Lisa chuckled.

With a parting smile she opened the door and slipped out of Impala. Dean waited for her to safely enter the building, then started the ignition and pulled away, happy as a clam.

It wasn't until he was halfway to his apartment when his mood soured.

“ _Reminded me why I started dating you in the first place._ ”

Why did she need a reminder?


	6. New Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry you had to wait so long for an update, but at the end of April I've learnt that I'll be laid off from work in a months time, so it took me some time to find energy for writing. For this reason the next chapter probably will take a bit longer to come out as well.

“If you could lift your shirt, dear” Dr. Moseley said. Her kind demeanor, warm voice and soft Beta scent reminded Castiel of Father Joshua, bringing a whole myriad of emotions he couldn't deal with right now.

He obediently lifted the bottom of his worn-out shirt up, painfully aware of how untidy he presented when compared to Dr. Moseley and her new attire, tasteful make-up and stylish haircut. At least one of the nurses took his clothes to be washed over night, so right now they smelled of detergents instead of their usual stench. Still, the moment he entered the office, Dr. Moseley looked him over with a pity before summoning a gentle smile on her lips that hasn't disappeared since.

Even thought he _desperately_ wanted to find out how the pup was doing, he couldn't force himself to look at the monitor standing next to his chair and kept his eyes firmly locked on the cabinet filled with books, drugs and some strange instrument he didn't know the use of.

In a matter of minutes he'll hear the truth. Whenever he managed to keep the pup alive… or not.

Dear Lord, he could barely breath out of nerves.

“This might feel a bit cold at first, but it will warm up quickly” Dr. Moseley warned as she squeezed a generous amount of some gel bellow his bellybutton. It was indeed chilly at first and Castiel shivered, feeling goosebumps running up his skin. Next Dr. Moseley pressed an instrument that looked like a shop scanner against Castiel's stomach, using its flat tip to spread the gel around. “Any second we should hear the pup's heartbeat” she explained absentmindedly, focused on her work.

Castiel's own heart _hammered_ inside his chest. He was terrified of the dead silence that would surely follow, a prove of his failure to protect this small, helpless life from eternity in Hell it was doomed for due to _his_ designation. The seconds passed as Castiel clutched his hands into fists and held breath back. The thumping of blood pressure in his ears made it harder for him to make out any noise from the TV nest to his chair.

Wait.

Gasping for air like he emerged from a pool, Castiel opened his eyes and listened more carefully. He breathed in and out rhythmically to allow his heart to slow down to its normal pace, but the thumping, barely louder than the sound of sparrow's wings cutting through air, continued unchanged.

He tore his eyes away from the cabinet and turned toward the TV.

And there it was, in the middle of the screen: a tiny bean with barely distinguishable hands and feet, alive and well, continuously producing that soft heartbeat that soothed Castiel's nerves. He chuckled, unable to held back.

Only for his happiness to die again when he caught Dr. Moseley's concerned expression.

“What’s wrong?” he blurted out.

Instantly the warm smile returned on Dr. Moseley's face. “Nothing serious, sweetie” she assured. “The pup's heartbeat is a little weaker than normal, but I'll prescribe you some medicine to strengthen it up. No reason to worry. Just remember to take the pills regularly, eat healthy and rest a lot, alright?”

Castiel nodded, but couldn't get out of his head the image of serious expression that darkened the kind Beta's features when he wasn't looking. He glanced back at the screen. What did Dr. Moseley mean by its heartbeat being “ _a little weaker than normal_ ”? Was there something wrong with the pup?

 _Stupid_ , a voice in his head sneered. It almost sounded like Mother. _Of course there's something wrong. You've lived on the streets for months now and dug food out of garbage cans. Do you_ honestly _think those pitiful scraps were enough to keep the pup healthy? And besides, Dr. Moseley freely admitted there was a problem._ She wore that dark expression only when she though Castiel was distracted, but the moment he turned to her, she covered it with a smile. Father Joshua used to behave the same way, most of the time speaking kindly with Castiel, but every now and then his frustration at having to deal with male Omega would slip through the cracks. That is, until their last conversation when Father Joshua completely lost it and finally accepted Castiel for what he was.

A whore send out to corrupt.

And this pup… in the end it was nothing more than an evidence of damages he caused, of those two days when the Kellys and their friends gave into carnal desires and repeatedly penetrated him.

“Would you like a picture of the pup?” Dr. Moseley's voice sounded like it was coming from a great distance.

( _“Yeah, good bitch. Take my knot.”_ )

“No, I don't.”

 

***

 

Sam stared at his brother in disbelieve.

“You did _what_?” he exploded after five seconds of stunned silence.

“If you have problems with hearing, Sammy, maybe you should check in with a doctor?” Dean responded, unhinged. “In fact, as your older brother, I'm deeply concerned and I _demand_ that you schedule an appointment this instant.”

“This isn't a joke, Dean! How could you invite a complete stranger into your house?!”

“Oh, so you _did_ hear what I've said.”

Sam wrapped arms in front of his chest and gave Dean one of his patented bitchfaces. “Dean” he said in firm tone like a teacher calling a particularly troublesome student to order.

In mockery Dean mirrored his stance. “Sam.”

“Don't you dare acting like I'm unreasonable! You know next to nothing about this man! He could be a dangerous criminal hiding from police!”

“I think I can handle one Omega.”

“Tell that to all the Alphas who were murdered by their Omegas.”

Frustration bubbled inside Dean as it did every time when someone bluntly pointed out his stupidity and reckless behavior, an ugly trait he inherited from Dad. It didn't help that he was agreeing with Sam's concerns: he invited a complete stranger into his apartment and might get a knife to the back as a thanks.

Still, the idea of ignoring Cas and his problem was unacceptable, so he stubbornly pushed ahead: “What was I supposed to do?! Let him go back on the streets, onto that cold and rain?! Great idea, Sam!” The little snot opened his mouth to respond, but Dean cut him off: “Yesterday _you_ were the one who was beating yourself over the fact that you couldn't help Cas more and now you're bitching when _I_ decided to do something?!”

“Because I'm worried about my brother!” Sam snapped. “Is that such a crime?!”

Some steam deflated from Dean at the sound of worry underlining Sam’s angered tone. “No, but you could quit treating me like an idiot. I know I'm taking a huge risk here, okay? I'll be fucking careful around Cas and I'll keep my bedroom door locked at night.”

“Well, that's something” Sam sighed “but it won't do you any good if he decides to carry half of your apartment out.”

“It's small potatoes in comparison.”

With that strained silence filled the doctor's resting area, although as usual there were muffled sounds of conversations, rushed footsteps and noise of hospital beds being pushed around coming from the emergency room nearby. The room was brightened up by morning sun, which gave it a lot more inviting look than the artificial lighting on previous night.

Dean leaned against a wall and watched as Sam slowly settled on the couch, visibly drained after the twenty-fours-hours long shift he just finished, his hair in a disarray, skin pale and shoulders slummed down. To think that he only added to his brother's already exhausting day... Fuck, he could be such an asshole sometimes.

He moved his eyes to Lisa who sat next to Sam and stared out the window, away from both of them, probably wishing for a void to open and swallow her whole, so she won't have to witness anymore of this family argument. If he knew how quickly the conversation would devolve into screaming match, he'd ask Lisa to wait for him in the lobby, but he foolishly expected Sam to be on board with the idea, maybe a little cautious, not to completely loose his shit like this.

However, much to Dean's surprise it was Lisa who picked-up the conversation again: “You're right that we know almost nothing about him, Sam.” She turned away from the window and faced Sam, her expression filled with saddened determination. “He might be dangerous, but what are the odds of that? I've spent most of the night reading about homeless people and most of them ended on the streets due to bad luck, drug addiction or abuse they run away from. Castiel is most likely an innocent victim here. We can't refuse to help him, because something bad _might_ happen.”

“I'm not saying he must be dangerous” Sam responded weakly. “I'm just worried.”

“And so am I, but that's not a reason to abandon Castiel and his pup. He gave us no reason to fear him.”

Sam brushed the palms of his hands over his face, whenever out of exhaustion or frustration Dean wasn't able to tell.

“When I asked if he had a family to help him out, his face just _shattered_ ” Dean revealed, picking Sam's interest. “There's clearly some history to it and probably the reason why he ended up homeless.”

“He didn't elaborate?” Sam asked.

“No.”

And just like that frustration slowly evaporated from Sam's face, leaving behind only sadness and concern. It wasn't a surprise to Dean that this tidbit of information calmed him down. Ever since they were pups, Sam always showed more compassion toward people, bravely stepping in to defend other pups from bullies even when it got him in trouble at school due to principal's zero tolerance policy and patching their parents, friends and Dean himself when they got injured; his decision to become a doctor was a logical step, really.

Ironically, considering his furious reaction to Dean's offer, he was the one who inspired Dean to help people more. Not like he was completely ignorant before; sure, if he saw some asshole picking up on smaller and weaker at school, he slammed them against a wall and ordered to back off unless they wanted to end up with broken bones. But he never sought out people in need. That changed after Sam went to study medicine, once and for all dedicating his entire life to helping others. In comparison Dean mostly spent his money earned at Sandover on hanging out at bars and buying expensive gadgets he rarely used. Embarrassed, he started donating to charities. He knew how it felt to struggle financially. Their parents were awesome and he wouldn't exchange them for anyone else in the world, but they never had money to spent on much beyond basic necessities. At least now he and Sam were able to help them financially as a repay, even if Dad bitched they didn't need to “leech” of them.

Yes, John Winchester didn't enjoy “charity” (as he called it), though it didn't stop him from using some of the money his sons gave them to buy a new car – a large, black _beast_ with four wheel drive he showed off to all of his friends – when the previous one broke.

“If you're right about his family, then he definitely deserves help” Sam admitted in heavy tone. “Make sure to keep an eye on him, though. Not just for your safety, but his as well. It's not as simple as giving him a room to stay. He needs comfort and constant support. You're taking on a big responsibility.”

“' _Responsibility_ ' is my second name” Dean joked.

“Actually, it's Henry.”

“Don't you sass me, you oversized snot!”

With a chuckle from both brothers the tension officially disappeared. For better or worse, Dean was determined to see his plan through and he knew he could count on Sam if problems arose.

Once Sam packed some things into an old backpack he used since college days, they headed to the lobby whey they agreed to meet Cas. It wasn't until Lisa pointed him out that Dean was able to spot the Omega sitting in a corner, away from other patients and partially hidden by large leaves of a potted plant. Almost as if he didn't want to be noticed. That thought squeezed Dean's heart, but he summoned a bright smile that won over numerous clients and made his way toward Cas. In the morning sun Cas's jeans with numerous holes, tattered shoes and stained shirt presented even worse than the night before and Dean figured they'll have to shop for some new clothes. From up close Dean smelled detergents from Cas, so at least a night nurse made sure to get them cleaned.

“Hey, buddy” Dean greeted. “Ready for a ride to my place?”

Cas's expression barely changed as his eyebrows rose maybe an inch up in surprise at such energetic behavior, bringing to Dean's mind thoughts about a patient who was repeatedly injected with anesthetics before a face operation. He's never saw anyone behaving like that, like they were keeping their emotions in check at all times.

“Y-yes, I am” Cas responded hesitantly and stood up. Upon spotting the other two, he nodded at them. “Hello, Lisa. Doctor Winchester.”

“You can call me 'Sam'. No reason to be so formal. Have you seen Dr. Moseley already?”

“Indeed I have.”

“Is everything alright with the pup?”

Cas glanced at Dean and Lisa before sheepishly lowering his eyes to the floor. For a moment Dean thought he didn't want to discuss such private matter around them, but then Cas revealed: “She said its underdeveloped and prescribed me medicines for strengthening its health. Unfortunately, I don't have any money, so I won’t be unable to purchase them.”

Ah, that's what it was about.

“No problem” Dean assured. “I'll pay for them.”

Cas snapped his head up and stared in shock at him. “N-no, that's not necessary. You've already showed me enough kindness by offering a stay in your apartment. I can't ask for more.”

“You don't have to. It's my treat.”

Seconds passed as Cas observed Dean with disbelieve as if he just saw an angel descent from heaven. Then his expression darkened and he looked away. “If you insist” he said in hollow voice.

 

***

 

The apartment was huge with the living room alone being almost as big as the entire ground floor in Castiel's family house. Counting two bedrooms, two separate bathrooms, spacious kitchen attached to dining room, what appeared to be a small workout room and a deck it was probably larger than the church he used to work in. Easily the biggest place Castiel ever entered. It seemed like a waste for one person to occupy such amount of space by themselves.

All walls were painted in blindingly white color and most pieces of furniture were white as well, except for cabinets made out of stainless steel in the kitchen. With its minimalistic, clean appearance and half-empty shelves the décor resembled an exhibition rather than an occupied apartment. Castiel stood in the middle of the living room, trying to hide holes in his socks from Lisa and feeling utterly out of place. A dirty, homeless person who surely will soil this elegant place. _That's the only activity you're good at_ , the merciless voice in his head that so closely resembled Mother’s pointed out. _Finding something pure and covering it in filth. You can't pretend anymore to be a moral person anymore, not after everything you've done. And now you've chosen a new victim to ruin._

“So, how do you like it?” Lisa asked.

“It's… very luxurious” Castiel appraised.

Lisa chuckled. “A bit clinical looking, isn't it? We've talked with Dean about redecorating and adding more colors, but we’ve decided to leave it for the future.” She started climbing the stairs, waiving for Castiel to follow her. “Come on, I'll show you the guest bedroom and then I'll prepare breakfast.”

They climbed up to the second floor and ventured down a long hallway, passing two doors on their way, until Lisa enter a room located at the very end.

It was a big bedroom, more spacious than anything Castiel was accustomed to, especially after months of living in a home made out of cardboard boxes. As with everything that came before it was filled with pure whiteness, the only splashes of color coming from a green plant in the corner and a painting that depicted mountain landscape hanging above the bed. Plush carpet felt wonderful under his feet and Castiel spend several seconds simply brushing his toes over it. This whole situation felt like a dream. In less than twenty four hours he went from being homeless, sleeping in cardboard boxes on duvets he dug out of trash and struggling with cold weather, to having a comfortable room in huge apartment with central heating. He was scared to wake up any moment into harsh reality.

 _Living a dream,_ Mother’s voice sneered. _And all you had to do was to sacrifice this kind Alpha's safety for your own selfish needs._

Castiel closed his eyes and forced those thoughts to quiet down, reducing them to a soft rumbling at the back of his mind. He'll deal with them in the future. Right now he had to focus on the pup.

A sound of soft footsteps brought his attention back to Lisa who once again entered the bedroom, carrying a towel, bundle of clothes and a toothbrush still in packaging. He didn't even notice when she left.

“I figured you might want to take a shower while I prepare breakfast. You know” she shrugged, wearing a nervous smile “to refresh after the hospital stay.”

He was well aware her offer had little to do with said stay and everything with the fact he spent several months on the streets, unable to clean himself properly and only occasionally relying on baths in chilly river water. He remembered how people would cover their noses or outright tell him that he _reeked_ when he walked pass them. One day a group of teenagers threw empty beer cans at him, shouting for him to get lost.

Seeing Lisa's nervous expression like she was genuinely concerned that she'd hurt his feelings caused a pleasant warmth to fill Castiel's chest. He gently took the items from her hands. “Thank you” he said. “I'd very much like to do that.”

Her smile brightened up, stripped of previous uncertainty.

“Are those Dean's clothes?” he asked, examining a pair of jeans, thick socks and a t-shirt.

“Yes” Lisa confirmed. “You're the same size as him, maybe a little shorter, so they should fit.” She scrutinized the old rags he wore and Castiel once again curled his feet to hide large holes in his socks. “Uh… You can throw those away. I'm sure Dean will buy you new ones.”

“N-no, it's not necessary—” Castiel blurted out.

“It is. We want you to feel comfortable here.”

Castiel stared into her eyes, still struggling to comprehend how much his situation changed. Why would _anyone_ invite him into this luxurious apartment, give him nice clothes to wear and want to make sure he enjoyed his stay?

No, it was all _wrong_. It must've been his seductive nature that messed with these people.

He opened his mouth to say something, but Lisa spoke before he had a chance: “Bathroom is next door. Take your time, breakfast will be ready in about half an hour. Do you have any food allergies?”

Nobody ever treated him like this, in such friendly and carefree manner as if he was a normal person and not an abomination. Even Mother and Father Joshua for all the undeserved kindness they showed Castiel always kept a stern tone around him, never allowing him to forget what he truly was. And he finally understood why they did it. Because now that he's been exposed to the alternative he wanted _more_. He wanted Lisa and Dean, and everyone else to speak to him in this way for the rest of his Earthly life.

It was a deceptive way of thinking and he was weak as all of Hell's creations were. That's why instead of leaving the apartment immediately to save these people, he shook his head.

“Not to my knowledge” he responded.

With that she nodded, sent him another smile and exited the bedroom. A hollow sound of her feet stomping on wooden floor and then down the stairs grew quieter before it was just a distant tapping.

The bathroom turned out to be as white as the rest of apartment and it had not only a shower, but a square bathtub as well, both large enough for two people to use them at once. There was also a wide mirror covering the entire wall above a sink, but Castiel averted looking at his own reflection as he carefully put the handful of items on top of a laundry basket and started stripping, throwing his old rugs in a bundle on the floor.

It wasn't until he was completely naked when he glanced toward the mirror, positioning himself sideways to make the barely noticeable swell on his belly stand out more. Dr. Moseley claimed the pup was underdeveloped and Castiel didn't have any experience to say if that was true, so he had to take her word for it; back in the church he rarely interacted with people in general, but Father Joshua _banned_ him from ever approaching pups or pregnant women, because he didn't want Castiel's uncleanness to infect them. _A commendable choice, considering what you've ended up doing to all those people._

And he committed his crimes with full determination to provide for the little being growing inside him; a sinner always finds an excuse for his actions. He looked down, gently cupping the outstretched belly. There it was, the flicker of hope that gave his strength to continue living for past months, but also the fruit of corruption he spread around.

He loved it above all else.

He hated it and wanted it gone.

A sore lump filled Castiel's throat – how could he have such monstrous thoughts toward this innocent pup? – and he jerked away from the mirror, started the shower and without waiting for the water to heat up, he stepped inside. He grabbed a scented soap from a holder and scrubbed furiously until his skin burned, feeling grimy all over, but despite best effort the sensation didn't disappear. It wasn't his body that needed cleaning; although sweat and dirt were unpleasant, they could be washed off easily. A soiled soul was much harder to purify.

 _Too late for such reflections,_ Mother's voice pointed out. _You propositioned so many people, good people who had families and bright future, and laid down with them in exchange for money like a whore that you are. Now they're tainted forever. And why you did that? For a bastard you don't even want._

“Stop…” he murmured, pressing palms to his face in desperate attempt to silence this merciless voice.

_Now you're going to repeat it with this nice Alpha who offered you place to stay, aren't you? You'll seduce him behind his mate's back, pollute his soul with filth—_

He _smacked_ both hands against his forehead, pain silencing the voice. For several seconds he stood under the warm stream and relished in the throbbing pain, his only tool that provided him with relief.

Soon he turned off the water and stepped out of the shower, his limbs moving slowly and clumsily as if they just awoke after hours of lethargy. He quickly dried off and then put Dean's clothes on. The t-shirt with a logo of some music band printed on it stretched a little around his belly, but other than that they fit comfortably. Unsure of what to do with his old attire, he curled it into a ball and hid inside a night stand in guest bedroom. In case he needed them later.

An alluring scent of fresh pancakes and honey guided him down the stairs. His mouth drooled uncontrollably at the thought of sinking his teeth into something so delightful smelling. _Dear Lord_ , he became so accustomed to being hungry, he forgot how wonderful it felt to have a warm dish awaiting him.

He entered the kitchen and his eyes zeroed on two plates with _towers_ of sizable, well-browned pancakes stacked on top of them standing on a dining table. Next to them was a pitcher full of honey, freshly heated judging by the aroma.

“Just in time” Lisa commented, glancing over her shoulder. She turned off the stove she stood in front of and walked to the table, holding a frying pan with last batch of cooked goodies. She quickly added them onto the plate standing closer to Castiel. “Help yourself out” she said, moving to a sink to dispose of the pan.

Hunger pushed Castiel forward and he sat down on a chair, eyeing a delicious smelling tower before him. He flavored his dish with modest dose of honey, which quickly spread on the flat top and poured down the sides to pool at the bottom of plate. Then he grabbed utensils, cut out a piece and quickly ate it.

The sweet flavor _exploded_ on his tongue and he started _shoveling_ the remaining pancakes into his mouth, unable to get enough of this amazing food.

“Jesus, Cas, slow down!” Lisa urged as she put a hand on Castiel's shoulder to grab his attention, but an amused smile stretched her lips. “You'll make yourself sick!”

Months of eating sparingly whatever he managed to find in trash killed any embarrassment he would normally feel in such situation. He was only able to proclaim “It's heavenly!” through a mouthful of pancakes.

For a moment Lisa couldn't find words. Castiel returned to eating, this time slower and moaning in pleasure every time he pushed a piece inside his mouth.

“Wow, this is the first time anyone reacted like this to my cooking” Lisa admitted, sitting down. The other plate remained untouched before her as she was preoccupied with watching Castiel eat. “It's really nothing to write home about.”

“Doesn't Dean praise it?”

“He does, but, you know” Lisa chuckled “he's my boyfriend. He has to do that unless he wants to spent the rest of his life eating takeouts.”

Castiel froze, only small chunks of pancakes still present on his plate, and stared wide-eyed at Lisa. He's never heard of a woman who refused to prepare meals for her mate under _any_ circumstances, even him criticizing her cooking abilities. In his community it would be seen as a sign of sinful person rebelling against natural world determined by God.

“I'm kidding” Lisa explained, baffled by Castiel's reaction.

“Oh.” He lowered his eyes to the plate and slowly started taking care of remaining pieces. “I apologize. I don't have much experience with humor, so I genuinely believed you refused to cook for Dean as a punishment.”

Lisa studied him for a moment before turning to her own food. Briefly a silence in the dining room was only broken by sound of utensils scraping against plates. How much this reminded Castiel of meals back home where Mother, Michael and Lucifer never had anything to say to him or even spare a glance in his direction.

“How long you've been seeing Dean?” he asked.

It wasn't any of his business – such filthy creature like him had no right intruding people's relationships – but Lisa responded nevertheless: “For two years now.”

“And you still haven't mated? That's a long time to date.”

Back in his church mating would occur after six months since a couple started going out _at latest_. The thought that Dean and Lisa delayed it so much worried him to the core. Did they have problems? Were their hearts not fully committed? Father Joshua claimed that only people deprived of morality would hesitate from sealing their relationship in such blessed act. Was that the case? He had hard time believing it. Both Dean and Lisa appeared to be kind, moral people.

Then again, who was he to judge?

“Something is always in the way, I guess” Lisa shrugged. “But we’ve decided to finally mate when Dean gets promoted to a manager’s position. Shouldn’t take more than a couple of weeks. He works at Sandover, a trade company that distributed iron across the country. Ever heard about them?”

“I’m afraid I didn’t” Castiel admitted.

“Neither did it until I’ve met Dean and they’re supposedly very known.”

Lisa returned to her meal while Castiel gazed into an empty plate before him, the only remains of a delicious breakfast she prepared for him without expecting anything in return. A chilly sensation flooded his stomach, killing any enjoyment he felt after consuming it.

So they had full intention to mate soon, even if they delayed the act for two years. Most likely wanted to start a family together. The apartment seemed too big for one person, but it would be perfect for family with pups. The promotion Dean worked for promised an additional money to spend. Yes, they had it all planned out by now, hopefully looking into a bright future together as God intended.

And here he was in the middle of it, threatening the whole thing.

He didn’t want to poison their relationship, but by now he knew he had _no_ control over it. One day Dean might find him irresistible and give into his carnal desires, and take him _over_ and _over_ again without a care in the world, his relationship with Lisa to be damned.

“Aren’t you worried?” Castiel blurt. He didn’t dare to look up from his plate. “About me staying here?”

He waited, heart pounding in his chest, for a smack in the face and demand that he leaves _now_ , because if he thought that she _seriously_ wanted a male Omega _scum_ to live in her mate’s—

“Should I be?” Lisa asked calmly. Her chocolate and strawberries scent betrayed no hostility.

“I’m Omega” Castiel pointed out.

“So am I.”

“A _male_ Omega.”

There was an extended pause, during which Lisa put her fork and knife down on a plate with a quiet rattle. Castiel collected his courage and risked looking at her. Instead of disgust he expected, he saw confusion.

“I don’t understand why that should be a problem” Lisa said.

Of course she didn’t know about his true nature, much like the bakery worker he met months ago and Dean apparently. All these people unaware of danger he presented. It made him sick that he could use them so easily. Was his old community the only place where everyone was warned of this?

“Thank you for the meal, it was delightful” he said, standing up. “I’d like to rest now.”

He rushed up the stairs and to the guest bedroom, expecting Lisa to follow him and demand an explanation, but it didn’t happen much to his relieve. He locked the door shut and laid down on the bed, bedding sinking under his weight and enveloping him in a soft embrace. How big of a change it was when compared to old duvets dug from garbage.

Instead of Dean and Lisa, he thought about all the people, mostly Alphas, whom he approach months ago under the cover of night, offering them sex in exchange for money. Innocent souls _corrupted_ by him, this time with his conscious choice, in order to buy food and keep this cursed pup alive. He could smell a mating bond and pups on most of them. Was it really worth destroying so many lives in order to support one? The obvious answer was “no”, but he couldn’t stop himself from continuing, the thought of letting this small creature burn in Hell for eternity unbearable. Was this pup as deceitful as he was? Was its purpose in life spreading sin as well? “ _Demons always wear the most_ _irresistible_ _face_ _s_ _to trick people into letting their guards down”_ Father Joshua said numerous times. Castiel himself was frequently described as beautiful, but the attractive demeanor hid ugly truth.

He was weak and couldn’t resist caring for the pup, that was obvious. Nothing will make up for the sins he already committed, but he didn’t want to ruin Dean and Lisa’s future as well.

Maybe if he’s careful, he’ll be able to prevent disaster from occurring?

_Lord Almighty, I have no right to speak to you as a filth I am, but please, I BEG you, keep Dean, Lisa and everyone they hold dear safe from me. That’s all I ask for._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man, don't you enjoy this whole Dean and Castiel's romance, considering they barely interacted thus far? Don't worry, I promise the next chapter will be all about them spending the rest of weekend together. I just wanted to show Castiel's complicated feeling regarding the pup and give Lisa some attention, because thus far she was there mostly to nod in agreement at everything Dean said.
> 
> Also, the ending of this chapter proved troublesome to write as it refused to turn out the way I wanted it to be. Thankfully, I’ve managed to hammer it nicely into place and I’m quite satisfied with how it turned out.
> 
> Hope you like it!


	7. Getting To Know Each Other

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one certainly took a long time to write. Originally I wanted to cover an entire weekend, but then the Saturday evening grew big enough to be a chapter on its own. Hopefully, you'll like it.

“He haven’t left his room since” Lisa finished.

Dean glanced toward the stairs as if he expected Cas to climb down in this precise moment, disproving his girlfriend claim that he was hiding away from them. Of course, that didn’t happen. According to Lisa, Cas only joined her for breakfast and dinner, otherwise staying locked in guest bedroom.

At first Dean was willing to chalk it up to the same doubts they had: staying with complete stranger who could turn out to be a deranged psychopath. Aren’t there enough stories, both real and made up, about runaways and homeless people being lured in by seemingly kind people, only to serve as unwilling organ donors or playthings for some fucked up deviants? In Cas’s case it could be the pup Dean and Lisa were after for all he knew. Just because they were rich and nice didn’t mean shit. Selling on black market paid well and numerous victims described their attackers as appearing charming at first.

But then Lisa mentioned Cas’s odd comment.

“Why should you worry about him being a male Omega” Dean wondered, leaning against a kitchen counter.

“Beats me.” Lisa shrugged. “I thought maybe he expected me to be jealous that unmated Omega stays with my Alpha, but that doesn’t make sense. He _specifically_ stressed the ‘male’ part.”

Some ignorant Betas assholes viewed Alphas and especially Omegas as sluts due to their mating cycles turning them into horny animals who only cared about making pups. Well, that was the stereotype anyway. Dean could sort-of see why people unaffected by heats and ruts had such wrong idea about how these worked, considering that porn flicks loved to present them as more wild than they actually were; didn’t make the stereotype any less annoying. No, Dean never sought the first unmated Omega he could fuck against a wall during his ruts. In fact, he managed to close several business transactions while in first waves of horniness. Then he took medical leave for next three days not because he was a ticking bomb that posed a threat to every fertile person around, but because it was annoying to be constantly distracted by a raging boner and filthy thoughts at work.

Only Alphas and Omegas who haven’t had a partner or good toys to help them through those three days for prolonged period of time experienced such violent mating cycles that completely clouded their judgment. And in modern times who didn’t have help? Sex shops and pharmacies were everywhere, selling necessary equipment. Even though Dean had Lisa to help him out, he still kept several fleshlights in the closet in case she couldn’t make it, like the last time he went through a rut two months ago.

That being said, even the prejudices jerks didn’t single male Omegas specifically. To them _all_ Omegas spread their legs around, waiting to be breed by the nearest Alpha.

Anger bubbled inside Dean’s chest at the thought, but he quickly quashed it. No reason to get worked up over old events.

“I’ll try to find out more later” he decided.

“Don’t be too pushy, though, or you might scare him” Lisa warned.

“Hey, I can be tactful!”

Lisa rolled her eyes, much to Dean’s irritation. “Yes, because if Dean Winchester is known for something, it’s his _tact_ ” she commented with a smirk.

“I’ve been very pleasant toward him thus far.”

“And I hope it stays that way.”

Dean stomped to Lisa, trapping her in place with arms pressed against a dining table on each side of her. “Is that how you speak to your _Alpha_?” he said sternly. His towering posture and harsh tone would probably make bigger impression on Lisa if he didn’t struggle to keep a smile from his face. “You are playing with fire, Omega. If you don’t keep that tongue in check I’ll put you over my knees.”

Lisa gave unimpressed look, her chocolate-strawberry scent remaining calm, and pushed him away. “Don’t tease” she purred, then slipped past Dean to head toward front door and started putting her shoes on, leaning on a chest of drawers. “Anyway, now that you’re back, I have to go and get some shopping done. My fridge is nearly empty” Lisa glanced at Dean “although not as much as yours. I don’t know how long Castiel will survive here on those scraps you have right now.”

“I’ll buy some food tomorrow. Don’t worry.”

With an approving nod Lisa turned around and walked outside, waving goodbye to Dean right before the front door closed behind her.

The moment he was left alone in overwhelming stillness, exhaustion set in. He quickly shed off the black dress shoes, uncomfortable but required piece of clothing for any man who wanted to be taken seriously in business world, and then stretched out, reaching toward the ceiling and pushing his chest out. Dammit, after six straight days of sitting behind a desk his back felt like it was going to fold on itself. He hated working on Saturdays, but couldn’t just say “fuck it” and take the day off to welcome Cas in his new home, not when the promotion was within the reach.

When back muscles and bones popped into their proper place, easing a bit on the dull, throbbing pain, Dean sighed in contentment and let his arms fall down freely. He thought about changing into casual clothes, but the soft squeeze of his stomach reminded him how hungry he was.

Apparently Cas would only come out for meals. This was a good opportunity to talk to him.

Dean climbed up the stairs on his aching feet, headed down the hallway and knocked on the guest bedroom’s door, barely stopping himself from simply barging in. It was a long time since he had someone stay here. “Cas, it’s Dean. May I come in?”

After a couple of second he heard a muffled response “Of course.”

He pushed the knob and stepped inside, his feet welcoming the soft carpet with relief. Cas sat on the edge of bed, staring at him expectantly and… was that his favorite AC/DC t-shirt? He did a double take, moving his eyes from the band’s name to the bottom half that stretched around the pup bump, making it more obvious that Cas was indeed pregnant.

Right, Lisa must’ve given those clothes to Cas, thinking that Dean wouldn’t mind. Which he didn’t. It was just shocking to discover how adorable the t-shirt looked on someone pregnant. He _never_ expected to associate AC/DC with word “adorable”.

Dean was about to comment on Cas’s new attire when a delicious aroma of freshly baked apple pie filled his nostrils, stopping words in their track and bringing to mind his childhood home, more specifically scenes of Dad preparing another sweet goodness with crispy top they’d eat after a dinner. John Winchester didn’t have patience for cooking or baking, but it would take only few minutes of pleading from Dean before he caved and agreed to prepare a pie. He’d then spent the whole process complaining and telling Dean this is the last time he allowed himself to be tricked into it. That’s what he said every single time.

As he stood in guest bedroom, still holding onto the knob, Dean relaxed under the influence of good memories and mouthwatering scent. Where it came from, though? Lisa didn’t mention—

Then the realization hit him.

Cas.

Yesterday evening and today morning Dean was only able to smell apples on Cas, but clearly the Omega’s true aroma was muted by hospital detergents. Now that he had showered, there was nothing to prevent Dean from getting a lungful of that amazing scent. He stared into Cas’s sky-blue eyes, enjoying the sensation of calm washing away exhaustion and stress he felt after an entire day of work. He couldn’t recall last time he felt this good.

“Hey, buddy” he greeted, a bright smile stretching his mouth as if on its own accord. “I just got from work and I’m starving. Wanna grab something to eat with me?”

“Yes, that would be nice” Cas agreed.

Together they ventured down to the kitchen, Dean walking with newly regained energy. He _itched_ to prepare something sweet, maybe an actual apple pie, which he haven’t made in years. Stupid Sandover taking up all his free time. That’s okay, though. Baking was probably like riding a bike: you never forget how to do it, right?

Unfortunately, that plan was dashed by nearly empty cabinets and fridge. Crap, Lisa wasn’t exaggerating. The only things he managed to locate were two bottles of orange juice, a carton of slim milk, a small piece of dark bread, several slices of ham and cucumber. He examined the supplies and glanced at Cas from an open fridge, wearing an apologetic smile. “Sorry, there’s not much left to eat. Are you digging some sandwiches?”

Cas knitted his eyebrows and titled his head to the side, puzzled. “I don’t understand. Is there such a thing like sandwiches you can dig up from the ground to eat?”

“W-wha…” Dean’s brain went numb and for a moment he couldn’t do anything but stare. “N-no” he finally managed. “It’s an expression. I was asking if you’d like to _eat_ some sandwiches.”

“Oh!” For the first time since Dean met him, the blank mask Cas wore slipped down, unveiling a genuine emotion of shock and embarrassment. “Of course, how foolish of me!” Cas quickly composed himself back and nodded in agreement. “Yes, sandwiches are fine, but I’ll eat whatever you prepare. Please, don’t feel burdened to make anything special on my accord.”

“Are you kidding?” Dean snorted, taking the ham and cucumber out of the fridge, and placing them on the counter. “You’re my _guest_ , Cas. I’m _responsible_ as a host to take good care of you.” He pulled out a cutting board and a knife, and got work, slicing ingredients. “I’m all out of food right now, because I rely mostly on take-outs, so I can’t prepare anything fancy, but tomorrow I’ll go shopping. You can tag along and chose things you like.”

“It’s not necessary” Cas assured instantly. “I can eat whatever you enjoy personally. Don’t spent extra money on me.”

Exasperated, Dean pushed the knife harder than he intended to chop the last slice of cucumber, slamming the blade against the cutting board. He’s heard Cas’s words on countless occasions before from everyone who ever visited him, including his own parents and brothers; this gentle refusal, because they didn’t want to trouble Dean. Why they felt obligated to do so? He made a _buttload_ of money, he could afford additional spending on people he cared about. And now a man who yesterday lived on the streets, walking around so hungry that he _fainted_ in Dean’s arms, did it as well.

Seriously, _fuck_ politeness.

“As I said, host’s responsibility dictates that I take good care of you” Dean reminded casually, putting the sandwiches together on two separate plates “so I’ll have to buy the best and _priciest_ ingredients.”

“Dean—“ Cas choked out.

Dean glanced at him over the shoulder. “Hey, I didn’t make the rules, I just follow them, okay?” He grabbed the two plates and put them on the dining table, one of them in front of the seat he slumped down on. “The only way you can save me from unnecessary expenses is to go out with me and pick the food you’d personally want.”

Again a dick move like when he convinced Cas to move in here, but if that’s what he had to do to help the Omega, then so be it. He positioned his forearms on the tabletop and awaited the answer. He could see the precise moment Cas realized his dirty trick: a mixture of annoyance and shame flashed on his face, but it quickly faded away, leaving only resignation.

“It appears I won’t be able to change your mind” Cas noted.

“Nope” Dean agreed.

“In that case I’ll join you tomorrow.”

“Great!” Dean clasped his hands in excitement. “We’ll have to buy you some new clothes too. You can’t keep borrowing my stuff. Not that I mind, but you’d probably prefer to have your own stuff, wouldn’t you?”

Cas opened his mouth, most likely to protest the “unnecessary expenses”, but closed it after a couple of seconds and nodded instead. He didn’t seem very happy though.

As he grabbed a sandwich and started eating, the sharp light of setting sun that burst through panoramic window in the living room highlighted his features. For the first time since they’ve met Dean could clearly see how thin Cas looked, pale skin stretched over his face, cheeks sunken and barely enough body to fill AC/DC t-shirt.

To think that Cas – and countless other people all over the world – lived on the cold streets and starved on daily bases while Dean worked in comfortable office, ate take-outs and returned every evening to large, heated apartment for a goodnight sleep. Yet, he constantly complained about how troublesome his life was, particularly how much of his time was consumed by work. A work that gave him the ability to live in such pricey place.

Suddenly, he lost appetite. He felt so small and meaningless right now. The sandwiches he dismissed as a “poor meal” probably meant a lot to Cas.

“Uh…” Dean faltered, rubbing the back of his neck. “Are you enjoying your stay thus far?”

“Yes” Cas confirmed. “I’ve never been to such luxurious place before. And… and it’s a relief to have roof over my head again.” Right, that was a stupid question. “I don’t know how to repay you for your kindness and generosity.”

Guilt in Dean’s gut was replaced by burning embarrassment and he raised his hands up in defensive gesture. “Woah, no need for that! Seriously, dude, just focus on staying healthy and taking care of the pup. That’ll be enough of a reward for me.”

Once again Cas stared at Dean with that _awed_ expression as if he saw an angel descent from the sky, which increased Dean’s discomfort and he had to looked away. The worst part was he really haven’t done anything outstanding. He didn’t need to make sacrifices for Cas to stay in, because his paycheck easily covered for two people.

The sound of chair skidding over the wooden floor brought Dean’s attention back to Cas who stood up, his plate laying empty on the dining table. “Thank you for the meal. I’ll go rest now.”

“You sure? We could hang out and—“

“I’m very tired.”

Without waiting for an answer Cas turned around and bolted up the stairs as fast as his belly allowed it, leaving behind a tangy scent of stale apple pie and _fear_.

That hit him _hard_. Cas was clearly scared of living alone with a stranger and tried to limit their interactions to bare minimum. If Sam was right and Cas secretly planned to stab Dean in the middle of night, well, he deserved an Oscar for the flawless performance, particularly managing to manipulate his natural scent. Dean never smelled anything like this in his entire life, the tangy odor strong enough to leave a bad taste in his mouth. People generally felt comfortable in his company, maybe except for an occasional asshole who looked for a fight or a particularly incompetent business associates.

Having completely lost appetite, Dean put the untouched sandwiches into the fridge and washed Cas’s plate, wandering what he should do next. There’s no chance he’ll let Cas hide in guest bedroom out of fear for five months. He had to dispel Omega’s apprehensions.

A good excuse came to him when he was in the living room, sliding blinds over the panoramic window to cut the blinding sunlight, and his eyes landed on a large TV mounted on a wall. A movie night sounded like an innocent enough activity that nobody could find anything dangerous in. He decided to give Cas some time off – maybe he really needed a rest – and then ask him if he wanted to join in.

It was an hour later when Dean, now dressed in a comfortable combo of faded jeans, simple black t-shirt and a flannel shirt, knocked again on the guest bedroom’s door. After a soft “Come in” he stepped inside and gave Cas the most charming smile he could muster. The Omega stared at him curiously, laying on a bed, his back pressed against the headboard and swollen belly covered by his hands. His wonderful scent of fresh apple pie, thankfully now free from any fear, caused words to scatter around on Dean’s tongue and he had to clear his throat to regain composure.

“I’m about to kick back and watch some movie” Dean informed. “How about you join me?”

There it was, another flash of nervousness sneaking through cracks on Cas’s blank expression. “I don’t believe that’s a wise idea.”

“Come on, Cas. You can’t spend the next five months locked in here. We might as well get to know each other a little to make your stay more comfortable. What do you say? Because I’m curious to find out more about you.”

He waited patiently as Cas turned the idea over in his head. If he refuses, Dean’ll simply try again tomorrow, and the following day, and the day after that, until he finally gets to hang out with the Omega. He wasn’t one to give up easily. That’s how he built his career, going from a copy guy to one of the managers at Sandover in a span of three years. And making sure the pregnant Omega under his roof felt safe was more important than – initially – showing those snotty businessmen that he wasn’t just a dumb country boy.

However, much to his joy Cas responded “Alright. If you insist I join you” even though he still sounded unsure.

They went downstairs and took a seat on a long, leather couch with Cas scooting as far away from Dean as the limited space allowed. His scent remained mostly calm, but there was a harsh undertone of uneasiness to it that irritated Dean’s nose. He decided to ignore it, since Cas was making an effort.

At first he tried to be courteous and allow his guest to chose what they’ll watch, only for Cas to stubbornly insist he picks something up instead. After some back and forth he shrugged his shoulders, and turned Roland Emmerich’s “Stargate” on.

Yeah, it was a stupid movie – apparently civilization of ancient Egypt was created by _aliens_ – but Dean had a soft spot for it. There was a lot of awesome action and visual effects, the characters were likeable, humor worked for the most part and the scenery was freaking _gorgeous_. A solid, mindless entertainment. Besides, if Cas doesn’t like it, the movie was a _perfect_ target for jokes. Dean watched it several times with Sam and those nights, during which they made fun of every aspect of the movie, were among his most treasured memories.

As it turned out, Cas didn’t like the movie. He was _entranced_ by it. No matter how cringe-worthy or clichéd moments were thrown at him, he remained fully invested in the story and during the climax literally sat on the edge. Once credits started, he relaxed and leaned back against backrest.

“So, did you enjoy it?” Dean laughed.

“It was… astounding” Cas faltered.

Witnessing someone speak so highly of Roland Emmerich’s “Stargate” was a truly bizarre experience and Dean couldn’t help asking, only half jokingly: “How many movies have you seen in your life?” At Cas’s confused look, he clarified: “’ _Stargate_ ’ isn’t considered a particularly good one, more of a guilty pleasure. The show it inspired was far better.”

“Oh.” Cas lowered eyes on his knees and started picking on a lose threat in his borrowed jeans. “Mother didn’t allow us to see movies often. We didn’t even have a TV receiver at home and when we wanted to watch anything, we’d go to our neighbors.” A glimmer of excitement shined in Cas’s eyes, brightening up their beautiful shade of blue. Dean swallowed in his suddenly dry throat. “I remember one movie in particular, “ _The Ten Commandments_ ”. We’d watch it over and over again. I never thought it was possible for any movie to be as spectacular as it was… until now.” Cas let go of the thread and turned toward Dean, the childish excitement still shining in his eyes and the scent of happy Omega spreading in the air. “I can’t imagine why anyone would describe “ _Stargate_ ” as a guilty pleasure. It was _marvelous_.”

A long stretch of silence passed before Dean snapped out of the trance he suddenly found himself in and realized he probably should say something in return: “Well… Glad you liked it so much. I have an entire collection of movies we can go through later. But, uh, tell my why you mother wasn’t a fan of watching movies?”

The glimmer of excitement in Cas’s eyes dulled out a little and Dean immediately missed it. Yes, there was definitely a story there involving his family, particularly his mother.

“She believed they were a bad influence” Cas admitted.

“As in ‘trashy entertainment that turns kids into couch potatoes’ or ‘morally unacceptable’?” Dean pressed on.

“I don’t… What is a ‘couch potato’?”

Slowly it became more and more clear to Dean how sheltered Cas was while growing up, which clearly influenced his stilted behavior. Dean chugged earlier instance of him not understanding “digging a sandwich” as a simple brain fart. But who haven’t heard the phrase “couch potato”? And that strict limit on watching movies? Not just “you can watch TV for no more than two hours a day”, but a complete ban on it unless Cas’s mother gave a clear permission. In Dean’s mind started appearing an image of tightly knitted community where kids were treated like dogs in training rather than people with their own personalities, lives and ambitions.

Maybe he was making unfair assumptions. He’s met numerous people who grew with strict parents – Jo Harvelle, for example – yet they were clearly loved and grew up into well adjusted adults. However, Jo wasn’t confused by common phrases like Cas and she _certainly_ didn’t act like she had a mask glued to her face.

“It’s a person who spends all their free time sitting on a couch and watching TV” Dean explained. “They’re called ‘potato’, because they look like they’ve grown roots.”

“In that case both are aligned with Mother’s believes.”

Cas’s shoulder and back tensed up, almost completely wiping away the comfort he shown after the movie ended, so Dean decided to not question him any further on the subject. If he pushed too far, Cas might clamp up and run upstairs again. “Okay, so you didn’t watch TV a lot growing up. What did you do for fun then?”

“My family used to frequently participate in church picnics, which were organized every few weeks during summer time. There were many engaging games and contents involved.” Corners of Cas’s mouth rose up slightly in a fond smile. “Once me and my brother participated in a race together, and my left leg was tied up to his right, so we were required to reach the finish line by jumping. Halfway through Michael fell down and broke his nose, but refused to give up and finished the race with blood covering his face. We’ve managed to end first and won two bars of chocolate.”

“Yeah, me and Sam also partook in a couple of church picnics, two or three maybe, when we didn’t have anything else to do. We’ve never won anything, but we didn’t particularly care. We mostly wanted to hang around with our friends. That’s in the past, though. How you have fun right now? Or rather before, you know…” _Before you ended up on streets and became too distracted with surviving for another day. Very tactful, Winchester._

Cas didn’t seem offended by Dean bringing this up, even if he briefly looked away to collect thoughts. “Usually I read every chance I have. Sometimes I solve puzzles in newspapers or meditate.”

“You read? Then we have something in common.” Dean pointed toward a wide shelf in the corner of living room filled to brim with old, worn-out copies of novels he bought in his teenage years and new audiobooks waiting for him to listen to. “Feel free to check out anything you want. It’s a waste for those to sit there, untouched.”

“I thought you enjoyed reading?”

“Don’t have time for it. Work consumes all of it lately.” Dean rested the back of his head on the soft headrest and closed his eyes, feeling how heavy his body was. Cas’s lovely scent certainly soothed his nerves and distracted him from back pain long enough for it to subdue, but the exhaustion finally set in. He was _dead tired_ after entire week of work, doing overtime and taking extra responsibilities on his shoulders. He’ll start dozing off soon and the idea of laying on his soft bed, buried in warm sheets, was getting more and more irresistible as minutes went on.

Too bad, because he really enjoyed hanging out with Cas. He didn’t expect the other man to be so likeable and have such wonderful smell when he asked him to move in.

“I’m sorry to hear about that” Cas commented “but the benefits seems to outweigh the drawbacks. You can afford such spacious apartment, for example.”

Dean opened his eyes and glanced at Cas who looked around the room, wearing almost reverent expression. He still knew little about him, but life clearly didn’t spoil the Omega for quite some time.

“Wanna see the best part of living here?” Dean asked with a sly smile. After Cas nodded, Dean got up from the couch, turned the ceiling lights off, letting the living room sink in darkness, and led Cas to the panoramic window. Then he swiftly drew the blinds back.

When he first moved to the city, Dean was taken aback by the constant noise, thick crowds of people rushing down the sidewalks at every hour of the day and never-ending strings of tall, steel buildings choking few patches of grass planted between them. It was such a stark contrast to his family home on suburbia where nature surrounded them from all directions and neighbors were scattered over several miles, providing peace and long stretched of woods for him and Sammy to play in. Dean didn’t like that change and yeah, maybe there was some truth to him being considered a “country boy” by employees at Sandover. He honestly never thought he’d grew up to appreciate it. The city appeared artificial, deprived of live and human emotions.

Or so he believed until he rented this apartment and one evening looked through the window in his living room, only to be forever changed by the view. He knew how Cas felt right now: heart raising up in his chest in discovery of pure _life_ throbbing on in the city bellow.

Around them an array of lights shinned like a priceless jewels from windows in neighboring buildings, street lamps guiding travelers to their destinations and string of cars moving down the roads. Despite its unappealing look of steel and concrete, the city was full of life, of people leading their normal lives.

However, as great as the view was, Dean saw it numerous times before. What was new to him and what he focused full attention on was the pure, unadulterated wonder on Cas face. Everything that seemed to held him back, the baggage that prevented him from enjoying himself vanished in this moment and he simply looked around, trying to catch as many details as possible. His scent calmed down, enriched by sweet joy.

“Isn’t it beautiful?” Dean asked.

Cas didn’t remove his eyes from the window as he answered: “It-it’s stunning.”

Somehow Dean wasn’t tired anymore and he remained on Cas’s side for following hour.

 

***

 

That night Castiel couldn’t sleep. His mind refused to calm down, constantly going back to the mesmerizing view spreading below apartment’s windows.

Mere four months ago he believed nothing compared with the beauty of Father Joshua’s garden; created from carefully maintained flowers, bushes and trees it displayed unattainable greatness of God’s work. While Castiel didn’t have much time to appreciate it, preoccupied by priestly duties, he sometimes paused in church’s back entry to take the view in and inhale sweet scents swaying in the air. Back then he agreed with Father Joshua when the older priest said “ _I pity people residing in big cities, so far removed from nature and true meaning of life granted by God. They lead miserable lives and they don’t even know it._ ”

Until now.

Tonight Castiel discovered the city thrived with life that was different from one of the suburbia or countryside, but no less valuable or beautiful. Deficiency of nature was disappointing, but everything that stood here was an effect of God giving people free will and creative minds to shape world. What was city if not an extension of God’s work?

A whisper in the back of his mind scolded Castiel for disregarding Father Joshua’s opinion, but it was silenced by the image of night city. He never felt like this before. Like he didn’t have to constantly watch his every word and action, like he was able to make the right choices.

All thanks to Dean.

Dean.

He was the one who invited Castiel to stay at his apartment, tried to meet all of Castiel needs despite him being a male Omega and then showed him such beautiful part of life he wasn’t aware of. Even the way Dean addressed him – “Cas” – in such casual, friendly manner warmed his heart. His brothers always called each other “Mike” and “Lucy”, but only used Castiel’s full name if they even bother to talk to him. Nobody treated him as a friend before.

Castiel knew it was dangerous to indulge in this fantasy of being a true person.

Yet, he couldn’t stop.

Right before finally falling asleep, he made a decision: he’ll repay Dean for his kindness, starting tomorrow.


	8. Deep Wounds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That certainly took a lot longer to finish than I planned. Hopefully, the wait was worth it. I guess that's the consequence of writing two stories at once. Yeah, I have another project coming, a Christmas fic. Last year I've gotten around to writing Christmas fic too late and missed the holidays, so this year I started earlier to have it finished in time. It's also going to be longer and posted in parts during December. Or that's the plan anyway. We'll see how the work progresses.

Dean’s natural scent of musk and leather still permeated the air when Castiel wandered downstairs in the morning. He paused in the threshold of the living room and inhaled deeply. The smell brought to his mind a vision of calm Sunday afternoon spend on a coach with a cup of warm tea in hand; it spoke of relaxation, safety and home, inviting Castiel to curl on the couch and rest some more. He haven’t felt this light in months, possibly ever.

How come he haven’t smelled it the moment Lisa brought him in yesterday? The apartment should be saturated with Dean’s aroma, but instead it came across as almost sterile. Was it the consequence of Dean working all the time? What a shame. Despite being his home for several years, the apartment was very impersonal, only brightening up due to Lisa’s and later Dean’s presence. Castiel preferred it right now, with that calming aroma and the knowledge that Dean rested upstairs in the master bedroom.

Stepping softly to avoid making any noise, Castiel strolled to the panoramic window and quietly drew the blinds back. Although the view wasn’t as breathtaking in the morning sun as last night, Castiel smiled at the light dancing on the neighboring buildings and the first signs of live on the streets. This time around he wasted only a couple of minutes staring outside, then turned around and went to the kitchen.

Standing before the large fridge, he hesitated. Was he being too bold? Rummaging through someone’s possession was extremely rude, but Dean told him to consider the apartment his home for the next few months. That meant he could freely look around and make use of Dean’s property, didn’t it?

He took several deep breaths, inhaling the scent of musk and leather. He shouldn’t worry so much. If he does something to displease Dean, the Alpha will tell him about it. He won’t scream, because such behavior wasn’t in his nature. Dean was kind and generous.

With newly regained confidence, Castiel started preparing breakfast. It wasn’t much, certainly not enough to repay Dean for all his troubles, but it was a start and one of the few things Castiel was good at. Back when he served in the church, cooking was among his daily duties and other priests took a pleasure in meals he prepared. Understandably, they rarely said so – male Omegas shouldn’t be praised to excess or they might forget that their mere existence is a _disgrace_ to humanity and God himself – but Castiel saw their satisfied expressions and overheard few compliments they said in private conversations.

There was little food in the kitchen, so Castiel used a ham and cucumber to prepare the same sandwiches Dean made yesterday. He also filled two glasses with orange juice and put everything on the table. The electronic clock on the oven told him it was quarter to eight. Unsure how long Dean slept on his days off, Castiel decided to wait for him to come downstairs on his own. Dean deserved a peaceful rest.

In the meantime Castiel returned to the living room, curious about the book collection.

The volumes stocked on the bottom shelves were “well loved” as he always called it, reminding Castiel of the copies found in a library he visited during his youth. With their spines pressed out, faded covers and corners folded and unfolded numerous times before, they looked out of place on a bookshelf that seemed freshly assembled. He curiously read the descriptions on their backs and assessed that they were mostly adventures stories aimed at teenagers, but he also found more adult oriented titles like “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” and “The Butcher Boy”.

On upper shelves were novels that looked brand new and when Castiel opened one of them on a random page, an intense smell of fresh ink came from it, a smell reminiscent of a bookstore. Dean either must’ve bought those recently or didn’t have an opportunity to read them since the purchase.

Last in the collection were audiobooks, which Castiel only heard about and never encounter in real life. He believed them to be a useful creation that allowed blind and visually impaired people to easily experience some wonderful stories. He once tried to talk Father Joshua into buying some, but the older priest dismissed them as useless items that encourage laziness.

As interested as he was in checking one out, Castiel left them for now and scanned the bookshelf in search of a Bible, feeling a sudden need to bury himself in uplifting stories about human morality and God’s mercy. However, he reached the end of the line without spotting it and repeated his search more carefully, reading each title separately.

Only to realize the Bible wasn’t there.

Castiel straightened up, confused to the core. A copy of Bible was an essential part of every household he ever visited, proudly presented by the hosts for people to see and as a reassurance of God’s righteousness to family members. How come Dean didn’t have one? Did he lost it and haven’t replaced it yet? Or maybe he lent it to someone who lost theirs?

Then a realization dawned on Castiel.

From what Dean said the apartment remained empty most of the time, so there was nobody to present the Bible for. Dean probably kept such precious item in his night stand instead, much like Castiel used to do when he lived at the clergy house. Yes, that was the most logical explanation. How _foolish_ of him to even consider that Dean didn’t possess one in the first place. He’ll ask Dean later if he could borrow his copy.

It was half past nine when Castiel heard a door opening and shutting upstairs, followed by hollow thumping of footsteps on wooden floor and then staircase as Dean came down, rubbing sleep out of his eyes. He wore a white robe, similar to the one Castiel has found in his bedroom, and his hair were in complete disarray.

“Good morning, Dean” Castiel greeted.

Dean jerked backwards as if he heard a gunshot, pure shock painting his features. After noticing his guest sitting on a couch and staring over the backrest, he calmed down and chuckled. “Jesus, you freaked me out! I forgot you were staying here! I’m not used to people sleeping over!” Dean slipped his hand between lapels of his robe and rubbed a bare chest to calm his undoubtedly pounding heart. “Uh… morning. Slept well?”

“Yes, I did” Castiel assured, standing up from the couch and walking over to his host. “I hope you had a restful night as well.”

“No kidding! Can’t remember the last time I slept this good!”

Standing only two feet away from him, Castiel could confirm that Dean’s scent was full of relaxed happiness, its aroma intensified due to heat beating from his body after hours of staying buried in warm bedding. Once again Castiel found himself calming down under its influence.

“The breakfast is ready” he revealed.

Dean glanced toward the dining table and then back at Castiel. “Dude, you don’t have to cook for me.”

“I suppose that’s true, but I want to, as a way of paying back for all the kindness you showed me. That’s the least I can do. Please, allow me to.”

A distant memory of Father Joshua refusing his gifts and saying that he doesn’t care for anything coming from a male Omega, appeared in Castiel’s mind. It was less sharp than usual, washed out by Dean’s scent that sipped through his body. Although he was scared to hear similar statement from Dean, his heart barely sped up. He wasn’t sure what to think about it.

“I won’t stop you from doing anything” Dean responded, looking resigned. “Just don’t feel obligated to, okay? The most important part is for you to take care of yourself and the pup. If cooking turns out to be too much, promise me that you’ll stop and you won’t feel guilty about failing to pay me back or something.”

The idea of having to stop preparing meals for Dean because he was too tired to continue made him feel like a parasite. He didn’t want to take all those wonderful gifts without giving anything in return, but understood validity of Dean’s request. He promised himself to keep going as long as possible, no matter how exhausted he gets in the future, until he truly cannot pay back anymore. “Alright” he said. “If it becomes too much, I’ll stop.”

Dean stared at him for a moment longer, taking notice that he haven’t agreed to the second part. Eventually the Alpha decided to let it go and entered the kitchen, followed by Castiel. They sat at the table and started eating, discussing their shopping plans for the day.

 

***

 

The weather was rather chilly and windy, so on top of normal clothes Dean lent Castiel a blue sweater that firmly enveloped him in thick, woolen warmth, making it impossible for bystanders to spot his pup bump, and a pair of sneakers one size too small. With every step Castiel felt the shoes squeezing his feet uncomfortably, but he didn’t say anything as to not worry Dean.

While his torso was completely shielded, the cold air easily seeped through the material of his jeans and mercilessly bit on his exposed cheeks. Thankfully, they didn’t spent much time outside, quickly moving from the entrance to apartment building to the place where Dean’s car was located on a parking lot. Impala looked beautiful in early morning sun and the leather seat squeaked softly when Castiel sunk down onto it. The smell that filled this tiny space was _Dean_. Pure aroma of leather and musk surrounded Castiel from all sides, inviting him to relax and enjoy the ride. He fastened his belt, leaned against the backrest and signed in contentment. He wouldn’t mind spending hours in here, maybe even days as he and Dean travelled throughout the country, nature and cities passing by the windows. He wouldn’t mind that at all.

Their destination was a three stories tall shopping center located thirty minutes away from Dean’s place. There were countless shops inside, selling everything from groceries and clothes to building materials and car parts. Large crowds of people wandered around, chatting happily and shopping.

Castiel hesitated in the entrance, seeing other customers. He had hoped the mall would be nearly empty and he’d be able to get out before everyone came here, thus limiting his interactions with innocents. Why weren’t they in a church? Have they all decided to participate in the afternoon mass instead?

“Hey, Cas” Dean said, standing in place and glancing at him over the shoulder. “You okay?”

“Yes” Castiel confirmed. He carefully stepped next to Dean and the automatic door slid shut behind them. “I just… didn’t expect so many people to be here right now.”

Dean looked around as if noticing everyone for the first time.

“Come on, they won’t hurt you” he assured. “And even if they try, I’ll take care of them.” Then without waiting for Castiel to respond, he headed toward the food section.

Slowly Castiel followed, keeping his eyes focused on Dean’s back. The calmness that filled him throughout the night and in the morning evaporated completely. In its place returned the cold fear, the same fear that followed him around for most of his life. He knew people were staring at him, he could _feel_ their disapproving looks. A male Omega _daring_ to walk around in public as if he was just another ordinary person and poisoning the atmosphere. Worse yet, he was carrying a fruit of his sin in his belly and even though it was concealed by the thick sweater, his scent gave it away.

 _Calm down_ , he though and took a deep breath. _You’re doing this on Dean’s request. Pick the items fast and you won’t have to stay in here for long._

They reached the food section, Dean picked up a shopping cart and together they delved between long roads of metal shelves stocked to the brim with groceries, accompanied by steady rattle of wheels. Despite his nervousness, Castiel couldn’t help but look around in surprise at the array of choice outstretching before him. Right at the beginning among fruits and vegetables there were no less than _six_ kinds of apples available. He only recognized a large, reddish one laying under the banner calling it “Red Delicious” and round, reddish-yellow “McIntosh”. He’s never seen or even tasted the others like “Honeycrisp” or “Yellow Delicious”. The shops in his old neighborhood didn’t offer those.

Dean paused at the apple selection, grabbed a plastic bag and without hesitation started stuffing “Pink Ladies” inside. When he noticed Castiel watching curiously, he grinned. “Those are the best ones for an apple pie. I had an itch to make it since yesterday.” Once done, he tied the handles together and dropped the bag inside his shopping cart.

As they progressed through the food section, Castiel started adding his own items under the encouraging guise of Dean’s gaze. He didn’t want to pick anything fancy, so Dean won’t pay too much, but at the same time he was tempted to chose the best ingredients for the meals he’ll prepare for Dean. He carefully examined everything, looking over the quality and price tag, only taking good products at a reasonable cost. The cart slowly filled with products until they protruded above its maximum height and it must’ve been heavy, but Dean pushed it easily around, satisfied expression never leaving his face. That’s a good example of Alpha strength. Castiel most likely would struggle if he were in Dean’s place.

They quickly finished their venture through the food section, paid at the cash register without incident and left their current purchases in Dean’s car before they went back inside to buy Castiel new attire. This took a lot longer, because Dean refused Castiel to chose the first item that fit him, encouraging him to be more faddish. They got a pair of sneakers and a winter boots lined with fur at shoe shop, a warm jacket, woolen scarf and beanie at men’s clothing section. Then in search of pants and shirts Dean led Castiel pass several perfectly fine stores, deeming them not suitable enough at the moment, only to stop before a large shop on the second floor. Castiel looked through the window at products on display and his eyes widened in shock.

It was a _pregnancy_ wear.

Castiel took a step back, his heartbeat instantly jumping into a double speed. His hand instinctively pressed against his abdomen, feeling for the pup bump, but he forced himself to pull it away the moment he realized what was going on.

Dean expected him to walk around dressed in those clothes, drawing attention to his current state like he had anything to be proud of as a filthy, _pregnant_ male Omega?

No, he _couldn’t_. People would stare at him, _judge_ him, maybe even—

A pair of gentle hands rested on his shoulders, bringing his attention to Dean’s worried expression. “Cas, calm down. Take a deep breath. Come on, you can do it.”

Castiel inhaled with a whizz, the air barely squeezing past his throat and into his lungs.

“Okay, now let it out” Dean ordered.

This was a bit harder, but he managed to exhale after a couple of seconds. Dean then repeated his commands in the same balanced tone, leading Castiel through the routine of breathing until he was able to do it on his own again and his heart slowed down to a normal pace. As the sensations from outside world returned to him, he realized that his legs were shaking and he sweated profusely in Dean’s thick sweater. The air around them was probably filled with a stench of his distress. Although he wasn’t able to smell it, Dean’s nose twitched, irritated by the scent. Castiel didn’t even want to think how many people were able to affirm his true gender identity right now.

“Cas, what was that about?” Dean asked, still holding him by shoulders.

His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down when he swallowed, moistening his dry throat to speak. “I can’t go inside this place… Please… please, don’t make me… I c-can’t…”

“Hey, we’re not going in there” Dean assured. He stood up on Castiel’s left, positioned a hand on his back and gently guided him away from the shop toward an escalator. “We’ll buy you clothes somewhere else and then we’re heading home. You’re good for that?”

“Y-yes… I think… yes.”

The rest of their shopping trip passed in a blur. Castiel followed Dean around, feeling numb and barely able to comprehend what was going around him. When it came to picking clothes, he stared mindlessly at the selection present in a store they entered downstairs and Dean was forced to chose for him, taking some jeans, sweat pants, t-shirts and flannel shirts. He didn’t ask Castiel to measure them, saying that they can return everything that doesn’t fit, quickly paid at the cash register and led Castiel back outside into biting November chill, shopping bags bouncing in his hands due to the hurried pace he set.

In his slowly awakening mind Castiel recognized that pace. Mother always walked this fast, few steps in front of him, embarrassed to be seen in public with a male Omega. After all the attention he brought to them Castiel couldn’t blame Dean for wanting to get away quickly.

The drive back was filled with strainer silence. From his spot on the passenger’s seat Castiel smelled Dean’s aroma, now overtaken by distress. He kept his eyes focused on the road before them, but the one time he dared to glance in Dean’s direction, he saw that Alpha’s jaw clenched tightly. Castiel’s heart sunk at this view. He barely spent one day in Dean’s company, but he already managed to make him regret the invitation. He knew the moment they return to the apartment, Dean will ask him to leave.

It will be better that way. He won’t have an opportunity to corrupt Dean’s soul anymore.

Once they entered the apartment, Dean shut the door behind them and put the shopping bags on the dinner table, sighing deeply. “Cas, can we talk?”

This was it. His final moments in this beautiful, luxurious apartment. Really, he had only himself to blame for being thrown out.

He couldn’t response or look up at Dean. He stood in place and stared at the floor like during one of those evening in his childhood when Mother summoned him into a living room. Instead of speaking right away, she’d lean back in an armchair, sipping red wine from a large glass she always held and scrutinized him for what felt like hours, but was merely minutes. She’d eventually say a similar thing, her voice a merciless lashes as Castiel’s heart: “ _I always knew there was something wrong with you, just that… nagging sensation that wouldn’t go away. I bet you father also felt it and that’s why he abandoned us. Because of_ you. _Because he didn’t want an Omega for a son. I should have drowned you after you were born. It would save me a lot of troubles._ ”

And he knew her words to be true. He was a poison that destroyed everything he touched, including his own family. It was better for Dean to exile him right now, before he had an opportunity to irreversibly damage his life.

“Cas” Dean started, sounding tired “what happened back then?”

Despite an invincible force choking his throat, Castiel managed: “I… I apologize… for humiliating you…” Although it didn’t matter and it wouldn’t extend his stay in the apartment, he wanted Dean to know that he regretted his actions, because Dean was very kind to him and didn’t deserve to deal with such unpleasant situations.

“W-what? Where you even got that idea from? You didn’t humiliate me, I’m just _worried_.”

Castiel wanted to cry out in frustration, but decided to accept his fate without complaining. Of course, Dean wanted to make the conversation more difficult and _force_ Castiel into confessing his sins. Mother and Father Joshua always expected him to recount _exactly_ what he did wrong to teach him humility.

“Dean, I can _smell_ your anger” he reminded.

Anger had so many different aromas, ranging from burned rubber to rotten leaves which polluted people’s normal scent, and all of them were brought forth by him.

Always his fault.

“Cas, look at me” Dean pleaded. “Please.”

Often Father Joshua spoke like that to him, lulling him into false sense of security that his failure wasn’t as bad as feared, only for anger to chip away older priest’s calm demeanor as he spoke, allowing Castiel to witness firsthand how deeply he affected him. He didn’t want to raise his eyes and see the same happen to Dean, for his  friendly exterior to be replaced by pure anger caused by _him_.

He still did it, though. It was his fault Dean was furious and he had to face the consequence if only to allow Dean to expel those negative emotions.

However, it wasn’t strained calm or anything similar that he saw on Dean’s face, but confusion and sadness instead.

“Cas, I don’t know what makes you think I’m angry” he said “but I’m not, believe me. Your reaction seriously freaked me out earlier and I want to know what caused it to avoid similar situation in the future.”

Here was a perfect opportunity for Castiel to reveal the truth about male Omegas to Dean and the unforgivable sin he committed months ago. Dean would surely feel righteous disgust and immediately chase him away. Yes, he should do that. He _had_ to do that.

But he didn’t.

If he returned on the streets, especially now during the increasingly colder weather, the pup’s life was in jeopardy; dr. Moesely made that clear even if she covered her worried reaction. He had to remain here in this warm, comfortable apartment with a steady supply of nutritious food, until the pup was born.

In the meantime he’ll risk Dean’s safety.

Because he was a monster who prayed on innocent people for his own gains.

He finally understood after years of denial and trying to change his fate why God banned male Omegas from Heaven. Such vile creatures like him shouldn’t stain that pure place.

“How can you even look at me?…” he murmured, feeling Dean’s eyes on him.

A long stretch of silence filled the apartment as Castiel stood in place, swaying on his legs and sniffling with his wet nose, desperately fighting the urge to cry. He didn’t deserve to have tears shed over him, not even his own. It was _Dean_ who should be pitied, but he didn’t cry over him either, because he was the one responsible for putting the Alpha in this horrible situation. His sympathy held no value.

It was the sound of shuffling that broke the silence, followed by soft footsteps closing in. Then Dean’s outstretched hand appeared in his vision, handing him over the shopping bags with new clothes. “Why won’t you try these on and show me how you look?” Dean offered. He still talked in that warm, calm voice as if Castiel was worthy of being spoken to that way. “I’ll prepare something to eat and then we can pop in another movie. Sounds good?”

Castiel nodded weakly, took the purchases from him and headed to the ground floor bathroom, located opposite of the kitchen area. He closed the door, wanting to shield himself from Dean’s undeserved kindness, and leaned against the hard wood. Barely noticeable shuffling of plastic bags and knocking of the cupboards reached his ears when Dean started putting the food away like there was no problem. He should be _raging_ and calling Castiel a _whore_ , maybe hit him before throwing him out, but he didn’t know better. As far as Dean was concerned, he had nothing to worry about.

_Disgusting._

Bitter bile flooded Castiel’s stomach. He moved across the small space toward a vanity cabinet with an oval mirror hanged above it and _slammed_ the shopping bags onto the wooden top, sending a shock of pain through his hand. A wild satisfaction flashed in his chest. This is what he deserved for being such disgusting _scum_.

The way he callously withheld the truth from Dean to protect the _sin_ growing inside of him, leaving Dean vulnerable to his corruptive…

_Disgusting._

He looked at the mirror to examine his own reflection. The face that stared back at him was one of an angel with bright blue eyes, which several people described as “mesmerizing”, long, pink lips that drew almost as much attention and dark, tousled hair. The thick beard he wore barely diminished the overall effect. A perfect face for a demon to lure his victims. Dean won’t be able to resist the temptation, much like the Kellys and their friends who broke easily despite their moral upbringing. And _dear Lord_ , he coaxed them on every turn, pushing his wet bottom out like a _whore_ and promising to make them feel wonderful. Sooner or later Dean will also fall for this angelic face.

The bile rose up to his throat, nearly choking him the revolting taste.

No, he _won’t_ allow it!

He grabbed onto his face and started clawing viciously, leaving deep marks on his temples and cheeks. He felt a deep satisfaction when his nerves _screamed_ in pain. That’s right, he’ll _ruin_ this face and _nobody_ will want to look at him ever again.

He roared in satisfaction at the first drips of blood gushing from his wounds and scratched even harder, ignoring the frantic knocking behind him, ignoring the burning sensation all over his face. He _won’t_ stop until there was only a chunk of ugly flesh left.

Suddenly, a pair of hands clasped around his wrists and pulled his arms away. He yanked back and when that didn’t work, slammed into the person before him.

“CAS, STOP!” he’s heard Dean’s voice. “STOP!”

It only gave him strength to fight back. He had to protect Dean!

But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t free himself from the strong grip. Slowly the adrenaline evaporated, leaving his hollow and weak. He slumped forward against Dean’s warm chest, allowing the man to envelop him in gentle hug. “It’s okay…” Dean murmured as his scent of leather and musk filled Castiel’s nostrils. “I’ve got you… It’s okay…”

No, it wasn’t okay. He failed to protect Dean from his corruptive influence. Even though his face hurt, the wounds were minor. They’ll heal eventually.

“I’m sorry…” Castiel whispered. “I’m so sorry…”

 

***

 

It was quiet in the bathroom, neither of them able to come up with anything to say. Dean’s fingers were gentle as they brushed a swab soaked with hydrogen peroxide over his wounds, cooling down the burning pain, and then applied adhesive tape to the more serious ones. Castiel sat on the closed toilet seat and allowed him to continue without protest. All fight evaporated from his body, leaving him numb and hollow, more like a human-sized mannequin than a living person. He didn’t even try to look away in embarrassment. He felt _nothing_.

Dean threw away the used swab and put the aid kid back inside a drawer in vanity cabinet, which Castiel barely registered with a corner of his eyes. Next Dean knelt on the floor between his legs and looked up into his eyes. A hesitation was visible on the Alpha’s face. He opened his mouth to speak, but closed them almost immediately, wetted his lips and tried again: “Cas, have you done anything like this before?”

“Only… a couple of times…” he responded weakly.

That information sent a shockwave through Dean face. He quickly regained control and continued: “And why did you do it a moment ago? Can you tell me?”

“Because I deserved it… for using you…”

“Cas, no” Dean protested. “You’re _not_ using me. _I_ was the one who invited you to stay here, remember? It was my choice.”

Castiel shook his head, a sliver of frustration sneaking past the numbness.

“You don’t understand…”

A warm pair of hands enveloped his own in gentle grip. He looked straight into Dean’s eyes, noticing how green they looked in bright light of ceiling lamp. There was a hint of frustration, but also sadness hiding in them.

“Then _explain_ it to me” Dean pleaded. “Cas, please, I can’t help you if you won’t tell me what’s the matter.”

Feeling completely drained of any emotions, including fear, Castiel finally told him the truth. Every single, ugly fact. He wanted to make it clear he _didn’t_ deserve help nor expensive gifts from Dean. He was a monster, an abomination rightfully rejected by his family and entire community. As he recounted his entire life, he watched emotions on Dean’s face change, going from disbelieve, through shock and ending on barely concealed fury. Although he should be scared at the view of Dean clenching his hands into fists hard enough for the knuckles to turn white, he remained unaffected by it right now. If Dean decided to beat him up before chasing him away, so be it.

The bathroom reeked of Alpha anger when he reached the conclusion. He stopped talking and awaited the judgment, awaited the first hit.

Dean took a calming breath. “Cas” he started in a strained voice “your entire family was a bunch of fucking bastards.”

He blinked in surprise. This wasn’t what he expected to hear.

“Don’t say that” Castiel protested. “It’s not their fault they’ve been cursed with me.”

“ _Cursed_ with you?!” Dean snapped. “ _You_ were the one who was cursed to end up with such self-centered assholes! They treated you like garbage and over what? Over something completely normal!”

No, this was all wrong. Dean didn’t understand a word of what he just said. Mother, Michael and Lucifer were all moral, hard-working people. They created things, both of his brothers starting their own companies and Mother raising them by herself, while Castiel only existed to destroy. Dean should throw him away like trash he was, _not_ try to turn him into a victim.

“Male Omegas are an abomination” Castiel repeated. “Only women should be able to give birth.”

The pure shock on Dean’s face couldn’t be described with words. He stared at Castiel, shaking his head in disbelieve. “How can you believe in such thing?” he asked eventually.

Wasn’t it obvious?

“Because God commanded it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally, I wanted to spend a little more time developing the relationship between Castiel and Dean, but a perfect opportunity to reveal the truth showed up when I've decided to put the pregnancy wear store and I've took it. I wanted to move the plot along, since this update took such long time to post. What do you think? Was that too early or soon enough?


	9. Therapy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry it took over two months for me to post this chapter. I was distracted by writing a Christmas Fic I'm planning to post in parts throughout December and it somehow grew from the planned 20000 thousand words to 35000. Next year I certainly won't write such lengthy story. Either way, this chapter was ready on Sunday, but after reading it, I got depressed, because I thought it was terrible. Then I re-read it yesterday and today, and I changed my mind. Once I applied small changed, it came out quite good. Hopefully, you'll find the wait was worth it.
> 
> And don't worry. Since the Christmas Fic is nearly ready (only requires some editing) I'll focus on "Road to Salvation" again. In fact, I have already a good idea what the next chapter will be about: the very first fight between Castiel and Dean.

“ _Jesus Christ_ …” Sam murmured, expressing the very words Dean had on his mind.

“You should have seen him when he said it” Dean added as he paced back and forth through the living room. Each time he reached the threshold, he’d glance up the stairs to check if Cas was coming. “He looked like he was stating what weather is today, like… like it’s _normal_ to be treated this way. His scent didn’t even _change_.” That was the part that engraved the deepest inside his memory, that pureness of Cas’s scent as he talked. It contained no hint of anger, hesitation and heck, even sadness over what happened. It spoke of _acceptance_.

He knew he shouldn’t be sharing such personal information about Cas without his consent, but he _needed_ to release some of that anger burning inside his chest, otherwise he might have exploded. He had no idea what to do, how to even _begin_ undoing all those fucked up things Cas’s own _family_ put in his head. That’s why he ended up calling his brother for advice. Sam occasionally dealt with people in similar situation as Cas, so he’d be able to aid him.

How ironic, though. Back when they were pups Sam always came to his big Alpha brother for support and now the roles were reversed. Dean did feel like a lost pup at the moment.

“This is more serious than I thought” Sam admitted.

“No shit” Dean spat and immediately regretted it. None of this was Sam’s fault, no reason to take his anger out on him.

“What I meant” Sam slipped into his stern voice of a doctor used to speaking with difficult patients who refused to believe the diagnosis “this isn’t something a place to stay and three warm meals a day will help with. If self-harm is involved, Cas needs a professional help.”

Dean faltered in his movement. “You mean a psychiatrists?” he clarified.

“That’s the best solution.”

Yeah, Dean realized that Sam was right. Healing from such tremendous, years-long abuse probably required a guidance Dean wasn’t able to provide, no matter how much he wanted. The only problem was convincing Cas to start a therapy, but Dean would talk him into it.

“You think Pam could take care of him?” Dean asked, thinking about his brother’s mate. Although to Cas it won’t make a difference whom he goes to, Dean would feel better knowing that he in good hands.

“Don’t know” Sam answered. “I’ll talk to her later, she’s at friend’s place right now. If her schedule’s full, I’m sure she’ll recommend someone else.”

Dean stopped completely, closed his eyes and rubbed his face with a palm. He’d prefer Pam, but frankly he’ll take anyone as long as they’re able to help Cas get better. He still saw that expression on Cas’s face and smelled his calm scent when he recounted the miserable history of his life, showing a complete acceptance of the abuse he received at the hands of his family. _Family_. They didn’t even deserve to hold that title.

“Okay” Dean finally managed. The conversation hardly improved his mood. “Give me a call when you figure something out. Try to set a meeting as soon as possible.”

“You got it” Sam assured. “I’ll talk to you later.”

“Thanks, Sammy. Bye.”

With that the sound ceased in the receiver and by the time Dean pried the phone away from his ear, the screen had already went black. With a sign he slipped it into the back pocket of his jeans.

The apartment was quiet in a way it haven’t been since Cas moved in and brought the fun conversations along. Dean glanced toward the panoramic window and for a moment watched droplets of rain streaming down the glass, forming a mosaic of various shapes. Slowly a faint fear awoke in his heart. It was this calm back when Cas scratched his face in the bathroom, only a door away from oblivious Dean as he focused on putting their purchases away and idly thinking about the apple pie he wanted to make; he lost any appetite after everything that happened.

If Cas was harming himself again, Dean wouldn’t know.

His legs led him up the stairs and down the hallway before he made a conscious choice to check on Cas. He reached the last door, knocked on the wood and without waiting for an invitation peeped inside.

He gave out a breath of relief when he saw Cas laying peacefully on the bed, asleep. Clearly, the incident in the bathroom and later conversation they had took a toll on him, so he dozed off after Dean brought him here and told him to rest for a bit. Cas was positioned on his side, mouth ajar slightly and overgrown hair falling onto his closed eyes. But it was a hand resting on his protruding belly as if in protective gesture that caught Dean’s attention. From what Cas said his family deemed this pup to be an abomination, sin incarnated, and denounced it along with Cas. And yet Cas spent months _fighting_ for its right to live.

A sudden longing to hug the poor Omega and shield him from the pain appeared in Dean’s heart, but his mind warned him it wouldn’t help in much; in fact grabbing randomly onto him might frighten Cas, considering the way this pup was conceived.

Carefully he closed the door, managing to make only a soft click, as a new determination covering the anger inside him. While he didn’t expect things to become so complicated when he invited Cas in, he had full intention of seeing things through. If Cas could remain strong despite – or maybe _because_ – all the hardships he endured, so could Dean. He’ll support Cas on his road to recovery.

 

***

 

The waiting area in front of dr. Barnes’s office was a lot more comfortable than the one in the hospital Sam Winchester worked in. Walls were painted in warm, peachy color, although several stains indicated they were last renovated quite some time ago. The chair Castiel sat on was covered in soft material perfect for longer waits. It was quiet as well. Except for him the only other person there was a receptionist, Beta in her thirties with unobtrusive scent of waffles. Every once in awhile she’d glance at him much like people on the streets did, shocked by his bandaged face, and turn her head away each time he looked back, filling the air with an embarrassed stench of burnt rubber. Eventually he simply stopped, but was painfully aware of her curious stares.

He shifted in his seat, fixing a jacket splayed on his laps. He _hated_ the attention he got, _always_ did, and desperately wanted to stand up, walk out and return to the safety of the apartment, but he _promised_ Dean to talk with dr. Barnes, so he remained firmly in place despite the nervousness squeezing his organs.

At first he wasn’t fond of the idea when Dean brought it up three days ago, during that faithful Sunday. Spending Dean’s money on food and clothes was one things, because he needed them for pup’s sake. But using them for a therapy? On _himself_? He didn’t deserve help. Nor gifts Dean for some reason insisted on giving him.

However, he eventually came around. Maybe this therapy will aid him in becoming less of a problem? He caused troubles to so many people throughout his life. He’d do anything to stop, but clearly wasn’t capable of achieving it on his own.

Five minutes before his scheduled meeting the door to dr. Barnes’s office opened and a middle-aged man – an Alpha, judging by his strong natural aroma of jalapeno – came out. His scent was saturated with wetness, revealing his sad mood, but it was underlines by some sugary sweetness, so he seemed to be calming down. He faltered when he caught a sight of Castiel’s faces, then got a hold of himself, nodded politely and headed to the exist, disappearing behind a corner.

A clock hanged above the receptionist’s desk. Castiel kept glancing toward it and when seven pm stroke, he stood up, clenching the jacket in his hands out of nerves, and knocked on the office’s door.

“Come in” a female voice came, muffled by the wood. Castiel pushed the knob, stepped inside and closed the door behind.

The place was even nicer than the waiting area. It was rather small, but comfortable and the wide window on the back wall opened at the city view, giving an illusion of additional space. Furniture made out of lacquered pine wood lined walls painted in faint blue color, a thick white rug covered the floor and several plants with wide leaves pointing upwards – aloe vera if Castiel remembered Father Joshua’s teachings correctly, known for its calming scent – stood in each corner; their gel-like scent hanged in the air. In the middle of the room stood a round table with what looked like a tape recorder, a Chelsea longue couch and two armchairs, one of them occupied by dr. Barnes.

Castiel wasn’t sure what he expected a psychiatrist to look like, he never met one, but this certainly wasn’t it. Dr. Barnes was in her late twenties or early thirties, wore faded jeans, a tight t-shirt that emphasized her breast – Castiel had to avert his eyes in embarrassment when he noticed an outline of dr. Barnes bra – high heels, several colorful bracelets and a pair of large sunglasses despite the fact that sun wasn’t even visible through the grey clouds hanging in the sky.

What was the most striking part though was her smell. Or lack of thereof. She was a void lacking of any aroma in a world where intense flavors constantly attacked Castiel’s nose. _Scent suppressants_ , he realized. It felt oddly calming to not have to deal with another person’s natural smell and constant shifts in its consistency.

An amused smile danced on dr. Barnes’s lips, leaving him unsure how proceed, so he remained by the door.

“Castiel Novak?” she asked.

“Yes” he confirmed.

“You know, you don’t have to knock. When the hour of your meeting strikes, you have the full right to barge in.”

“But… that would be _rude_.”

Dr. Barnes chuckled. “So polite. Dean told me about it.” She nodded in the vague direction of the other two sitting spots. “Hang your jacket if you have one and seat wherever you like.”

Castiel scowled, confused by her comment. ‘If _you have one_ ’? He held jacket in his arms. Didn’t she see it?

That’s when he spotted the tip of a white cane sticking over the armrest next to her right hand.

“You’re blind” he noted before his mind could stop him and he chastised himself for saying it. Dr. Barnes might be sensitive about the subject. “I apologize” he added quickly. “I just… I have never…”

But she chuckled again and waved her hand as if she was swatting away a fly.

“Don’t be sorry” Dr. Barnes responded. “Always call things for what they are. And yes, I am blind.” She reached up and pulled the sunglasses toward the tip of her nose, revealing a pair of nearly white eyes with barely noticeable outlines of irises. “Has been since I was seven-year-old.” Then she pushed the sunglasses back in their place.

So he didn’t offend her, which lifted some weight from Castiel’s shoulders. He hanged the jacket on the coat hanger next to the door and made his way toward dr. Barnes, choosing the other armchair opposite of hers. The nerves that bothered him since he left the apartment building and came here, followed by endless series of stares, some curious, some shocked, eased a little. The subtle scent of aloe vera was affecting him already.

The moment he sit down, dr. Barnes leaned forward. “I hope you don’t mind that I’m recording our session” she expressed and pushed a button on the small device laying on the round table between them. “Most therapists take notes, but obviously that’s not an option for me. Don’t worry, nobody else will listen to it except for me.”

Which was good news. Castiel had a hard time finding courage to remain here and reveal awful things he did. If there was a possibility of a third party learning his secrets, he wouldn’t be able to stay here.

“Alright” she said, leaning back and brushing her long, brown hair behind ears “let’s begin. My name is Pamela Barnes, which you most likely already know.”

Recalling what Dean said during their Sunday conversation, Castiel pointed out: “You’re Sam’s mate.”

“Yes.” Dr. Barnes smiled sweetly at the mention of Sam. “For several years now. But that’s not the subject we will be discussing here . Our sessions – if you decide to continue them – will focus on resolving all of your issues.”

“I’m not sure that’s possible.”

How could dr. Barnes change the fact that he was a male Omega, which was the true source of his problems? A _pregnant_ male Omega. A disgrace to God’s name.

Much to his surprise, dr. Barnes smiled mischievously.

“Don’t underestimate me, sweetheart” she warned, but there was no heat behind her words, only amusement. “I’m quite capable.”

“You’ll be setting the direction of our conversations” dr. Barnes explained. “That being said, there are some specific ones I’d like to touch upon” She faltered, fixing the sunglasses on her face. For the first time since Castiel entered the office a smile disappeared from her lips. “Dean has told me about the incident that took place on Sunday and I want to discuss it at one point.”

Castiel probably should have expected this, but nevertheless a deep shame washed over him. The fact that Dean witnessed the whole incident was bad enough. Having another person hear about it made things worse.

If he didn’t injure himself to begin with, Dean wouldn’t be wasting his money on a therapy. Once again Castiel was causing troubles to people around him, people who wanted to help.

“You’re not required to discuss those subjects if you don’t want to” dr. Barnes continued “but to make this therapy successful it’s in your best interest to be honest. Anything you’ll say will remain between us. Are there questions you want to ask?”

“Yes. H-how many session will take place?”

Dr. Barnes scowled.

“It’s impossible to say” she answered. “Sometimes therapy shows results after a couple of weeks, other times it may be necessary to continue for several years. Why?”

Castiel lowered his eyes and stared at his hands. Temporarily he couldn’t find his voice, embarrassed by the fact that he was being paid for by Dean. _Like a whore_ , Mother’s voice sneered, echoing through his mind.

“Dean is paying for those sessions” Castiel finally managed “and I don’t want to waste too much of his money.”

“I think Dean is a big boy and can decide what he wants to spent his money on” dr. Barnes commented.

Castiel hunched as if she slapped him across the face. He didn’t mean to imply… He wouldn’t _dare_ to dictate Dean what he should use his hard-earned money for, it’s just… “He shouldn’t be spending them on me” he specified “but on himself or… or people he cares for.”

“You don’t think Dean cares about you?” dr. Barnes asked.

“He’s always very kind to me and so generous” Castiel rushed to say “but I don’t see why would he. I’m… I’m nobody special and Dean only wastes his savings on me.”

Dr. Barnes pondered what his comment for a moment, before responding: “Tell me, Castiel, if Dean decided to buy a new TV – who knows why he’d need a _third_ one,  but regardless – would you be trying to stop him?”

“N-no, of course not!”

“Then you shouldn’t now.” Dr. Barnes shrugged her arms. “A lot people feel uncomfortable when others pay for them. If it bothers you so much, you can talk with Dean and maybe offer to give the money back once you’re standing on your own feet.”

Yet another person who mentioned it. ‘ _Once you’re standing on your own feet._ ’ Castiel haven’t though yet what he’ll do after the pup is born. The future was a complete darkness to him and he tried not to think about it. One thing was certain: he won’t be staying with Dean, bringing a danger to his life. He proved beyond any doubt that every opinion Mother and Father Joshua held about male Omegas was true: they were nothing more than filthy whores spreading corruption around the world.

Dean had such wonderful soul, which shined brighter than anyone else’s Castiel has met throughout his life. If he ever did anything to stain it with sin the way he did those four Alphas months ago… No, he _couldn’t_ allow it to happen.

If he had any morality left in him, he’d remove the treat he posed from this world. He’d remove himself to protect everyone.

How _disgusting_. He still couldn’t stop contemplating ways of insulting God by committing a sin, even the one that would lead to his own destruction. Evil truly was engraved in his blood. Whenever he allowed his thoughts to wonder, sooner or later they turned to it.

“I just want to learn how to stop myself from harming people” Castiel said, his voice breaking under the rush of fear inside his heart. He _cannot_ hurt Dean. “Please, tell me what to do.”

“That’s not how it works, Castiel” dr. Barnes said, shaking her head in refusal. “I can give you advises on what you can do to improve your life, but it’s up to you to decide if you want to take them. I’m not here to order you around.” A more serious expression appeared on her face. “ _Did_ you harm anyone, though?”

The idea of once more admitting to his failures was unbearable.

“H-haven’t Dean explain that to you? I told him everything…”

“No” dr. Barnes crushed his hopes. “And even if he tried, I’d stop him, because it’s _your_ choice of what and how much you want to reveal to me. Can you tell me whom did you harm?”

“ _Everyone_. My own family, the people from community I grew up in, Father Joshua…”

Dr. Barnes raised her hand to stop Castiel in his track.

“Could you start by telling me about your family?” she requested.

There was no escaping it then. Although dr. Barnes assured him that he didn’t have to answer all questions, she also mentioned that honesty was an important part of a successful therapy. Refusing to speak out of shame would mean wasting Dean’s money and _that_ wasn’t an option.

So he told dr. Barnes how furious Mother was at him for presenting as an Omega, but did her best to raise him on a moral Christian. He also brought up his brothers and the way their relations changer irreversibly after his first heat. Dr. Barnes listened carefully, asking for additional information. She kept her expression blank and due to scent suppressants Castiel couldn’t smell changes in her emotions. Thus he couldn’t tell if she felt revulsion over his failures. She should, but ever since he met Dean, he came across more and more people completely unbothered by his Omega gender. Why none of them was aware of the threat he posed? He couldn’t figure it out.

Every now and then dr. Barnes would ask the same question: “How that made you feel?” over and over again, drilling those words into his mind like a wedge that split it into countless pieces. Why did it matter what he felt? He was a male Omega, nothing but a sin incarnated. Dr. Barnes should be _chastising_ him, raining a fiery rage onto his worthless person. Instead she acted understanding, never judging, even _refusing_ to tell him what to do. How was he suppose to became a better person without someone guiding him and keeping a close eye on his actions? He couldn’t be trusted. He tried to make decisions on his own when he joined the church and arrogance awoke in his heart as he believed that he finally understood Mother’s teachings, didn’t _need_ her anymore, and was rightfully thrown on his knees by cruel fate, stripped of his pride and reduced to a pregnant Omega whore he was inside.

The confusion he lived with for past several months was brought forward by dr. Barnes’s nagging question and deepened each time she repeated it. Finally, he couldn’t stand it anymore.

“It doesn’t matter what I felt!” he snapped.

Dr. Barnes jerked, shocked by his outburst, and immediately a shame at scaring her overpowered the anger in his heart.

“Why do you think so?” she asked once she regained composure.

“Because they had every right to treat me like that” Castiel insisted, keeping his voice lower. “God himself denounced male Omegas as a creation of demons. His opinion about us is written in the Bible.”

“I get that you’ve read it then.”

“Yes, I…” The words stuck in his throat. He didn’t want to admit to this particular failure, but sooner or later dr. Barnes would uncover it somehow, so there was no point in hiding it. “I used to be a priest, actually.”

“Really?” Dr. Barnes’s eyebrows rose. “For how long?”

“Two years.”

He clenched internally, bracing for the inevitable follow-up question ‘ _Why did you leave the church?_ ’ and the moment when he’ll have to reveal the worst part of his life.

But instead dr. Barnes commented: “Then I assume that faith is important to you?”

He was so surprised by it he needed a moment to respond: “Yes, I’m nothing without it.”

“I see. In that case you shouldn’t have any troubles answering my question. It’s been a long time since I’ve went through the Bible myself—“

“You’ve read the _whole_ Bible?” Castiel cut dr. Barnes off, finally glancing back at her. During his time in the church he rarely met anyone who’d do that, even among the most devoted followers.

“A couple of years ago, so my memory is hazy. But going back to what I was saying” she decided, waving her hand in dismissal. “Could you remind me what _exactly_ it says about male Omegas? Any part you recall.”

That wasn’t an issue, _all_ of those passages were forever engraved in his mind from countless re-reads he performed whenever he needed a reminder that the cruel words he heard, dirty looks he received and pain he went through were part of God’s will and if he obediently follows it, he might one day be freed from the suffering.

“Leviticus 20:13: ‘ _If an Alpha lies with a male Omega as he does with a woman, he has committed an abomination; they shall surely be put to death; their blood is upon them_ ’” Castiel recited. “There’s also Timothy 2:11-15: ‘ _Let a male Omega learn quietly with all the submissiveness. I do not permit male Omegas to teach or to exercise authority over others; rather, he is to remain quiet. For he was formed by the wicked from the realm of the dead to deceive man and turn the childbearing into transgression. Yet he will be saved through chastity – if they continue in faith and love and holiness’_.”

“Okay.” Dr. Barnes nodded in understanding. What else?”

Castiel faltered. “Those are the only passages” he specified.

“Are you _sure_?” A serious doubt resonated in dr. Barnes voice, once more sending Castiel’s mind into confusion. _Why_ did she insisted on questioning everything he said? To him it was all simple. “You said God permitted abuse of male Omegas and the proof is in the Bible, but neither of these passages contained it.”

“Leviticus says that if a man and a male Omega lay together, they are to be put to death.”

“ _Did_ you have sex with a man back when you lived with your family?”

“No!” Castiel snapped again. The confusion was followed by the burning rage that slowly climbed its way from his chest to his shattered mind. He was _tired_ of this session. It was suppose to help him and put his life back together, but instead it only made him feel more lost.

“Why are you angry, Castiel?”

“Because you keep questioning everything!”

“I’m just trying to understand how you came to believe it was in your family’s right to abuse you.”

Didn’t she _listen_ to what he said?! _God_ gave them permission to do so and yes, maybe it wasn’t written in the Bible, but Mother and Father Joshua _insisted_ that only through the path of pain can he achieve eternal life in Heaven. That’s why he clenched his teeth and swallowed tears whenever others shunned him. Because he knew the pain had a _higher_ purpose. Insinuating that they were mistaken and it _wasn’t_ in God’s will made the pain he went through lose any meaning. It turned him into nothing more than a sad, broken man.

And that thought cut into him deeper than the abuse he received.

“Then stop it!” Castiel demanded. He was trembling in anger, but the gel scent of aloe vera kept his emotions in line, just barely out of breaking point. “You’re…” He raised a shaking hand up and massages his temple. Suddenly, he felt exhausted. He wanted to go home and rest. “You’re making me doubt everything I’ve been taught.”

“Are you saying it wrong to question things?” dr. Barnes pressured.

“Yes. Stop it.”

For a couple of blissful seconds she remained silent, allowing Castiel’s mind a moment of relief. However, then she asked: “You participated in Bible studies as a priest, didn’t you?”

“That’s correct” he admitted. He wasn’t allowed to join the ones that took place during Sunday meetings with the followers and their pups, but each member of the church was required to study the Holy Book in their free time.

“Did those studies consisted only of you re-reading the Bible over and over again?”

“No, we were also searching for moral guidance on subjects that haven’t been mentioned in the text, because they weren’t relevant at the time of its transcription.”

“So, in other words you’ve been _questioning_?” A sly smile appeared on dr. Barnes’s mouth.

It was at this point when a muffled beeping interrupted their session. Dr. Barnes reached to a pocket in her jeans, pulled a watch, making the alarm grew louder, and pushed one of the buttons on its side to turn it off. Hiding the item back, she turned to Castiel and said: “We have 10 minutes left, so we should start slowly wrapping our meeting up. I know you’re upset right now, Castiel, but before you leave I need you to answer one last question honestly. It’s _extremely_ important you do that, alright?”

Dr. Barnes leaned closer, resting clasped hands on her knees.

“From what I gathered thus far, you have a very low opinion of yourself and that’s what pushed you to self-harm on Sunday. Now tell me, did you _ever_ considered taking it any _further_?”

Panic flashed through Castiel’s heart.

“W-what do you mean?” he faltered, hoping that she was talking about something different than he though.

“Did you consider ending your life, Castiel?” dr. Barnes specified.

He couldn’t respond, shame holding his throat in a tight grip. Someone has figured out his biggest secret, the most _awful_ thing that ever sprung from his mind. This wasn’t an uncontrollable demonic nature taking over his actions like when he seduced the Kellys and their friends, but something he consciously contemplated. The sin of committing suicide.

A silence stretched as he avoided looking at dr. Barnes. Despite the fact she couldn’t see, Castiel felt like she was staring right into his soul.

“I’ll take that as a yes” she eventually decided, her normally calm voice sounding heavier this time around. She reached to her other pocket and pulled a tiny piece of paper; it was a business card with her name and phone number, which she handed over to the Omega. “Castiel, promise me that before you harm yourself again, you’ll call me first. _Please_ , do that for me.”

After a hesitation Castiel took the small piece of paper, but said nothing. He wasn’t sure he’d bother dr. Barnes if it came down to that.

Sighing, Dr. Barnes leaned back in the armchair. “There’s one more thing. Are you interested in continuing our session? I think we made a good progress today.”

He didn’t see where was that ‘ _a good progress_ ’. He felt _awful_ like a towel someone wrung out, exposing all of his nerves and organs for dr. Barnes to examine.

“I don’t know” Castiel admitted.

“Give it a thought then” dr. Barnes requested. “I’ll schedule you for the next week on the same day and hour. And if you decide to show up, I want you to do a little homework. Prepare a list of five things you like about yourself and five things _unrelated_ to your Omega gender that you’d like to change in yourself, okay?”

“I… I’ll try.”

“Good. Then hopefully we’ll meet again in a week.”

With that Castiel collected his jacket, dressed up and left the office. He barely acknowledged the receptionist when she wished him a good day, giving her a perfunctory nod on the way out.

During his therapy session a drizzle started. The sidewalk and street were wet, air fresh and moist. Castiel took a deep breath in hopes of clearing his muddled mind, but it didn’t help in the slightest, so he pulled a hood over his head, pushed hands into the pockets of his jacket and set on his way. A strong wind blew droplets over his face, making him feel chill despite the protection. He hardly paid attention to it, thought, to distracted by dr. Barnes words constantly repeating in his mind, sending it further and further into confusion.


	10. Fight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter so soon and extra long? Hard to believe, but it's true. Hope you'll all enjoy it.

The last hour at work dragged as _fuck_. Dean kept glancing at the clock in the corner of his computer screen, but each time he did barely a minute or two have passed. Behind him raindrops steadily patted on the panoramic window of his office and the sky turned from somber grey to inky black with the outlines of rain clouds barely visible in the city lights.

At seven pm Cas’s therapy with Pam started and Dean’s thoughts wouldn’t stop drifting toward it no matter how hard he tried to focus on work. As he stared at the computer screen and read the report sent by his subordinates, the words slowly turned into a unreadable blur. He _itched_ to get up, leave everything for tomorrow and check on Cas. Once Pam told him that therapy can be very draining to patients and if anyone had an excuse to get depressed, it was Cas. The crap he went through…

Fuck, even three days later Dean saw red at the mere memory of what Cas’s so-called _family_ did to him. Dean didn’t believe in God, angels and all that nonsense, but people like Cas’s relatives and their entire fucked up community were an undeniable proof that pure evil existed. In moments like this Dean understood why people deluded themselves into believing in higher powers that watched over their entire lives, judging any good and bad deed they ever committed. The possibility that those _bastards_ would roast in Hell would give him a vicious satisfaction.

Finally, twenty minutes to eight he decided to screw it, he _earned_ the right to leave early once in awhile. He turned the computer off, quickly threw the jacket on and headed down the hallway toward the elevators, rounding a corner just as the door to his office shut close.

 _Of course_ he’d run straight into his boss, Zachariah Adler, when he tried to sneak out.

“Dean” the older Beta greeted him, flashing the smarmy smile that almost never left his face. “Going home already?”

Although Mr. Adler consistently acted polite toward him, in fact he seemed to specifically select Dean as a pupil for some odd reason, there was something in him that made Dean feel a desperate need for a shower after their every encounter. And unfortunately, due to Adler being his boss, it happened frequently.

Maybe it was the attitude the man had, always looking at Dean and his co-workers as if he was inspecting cogs in a well-oiled machine. Or maybe it was the fact that despite nearing fifty, balding and having a noticeable belly, he dated an attractive male Omega half his age, which he _bragged_ about endlessly with smug satisfaction _oozing_ from his voice. He had no reason for it, though, because the Omega – Bartholomew, was it? – clearly only cared about his money and spend all of his visits to the Sandover building during holiday parties fishing for a richer and more powerful person he could seduce; thus far nobody showed interest as they were either happily mated or saw through his false charm.

“Yes, I, uh…” Dean faltered. Mr. Alder was one of the deciding votes in his eventual promotion, so the confidence he was usually applauded for vanished. “I have a family emergency.” This seemed like a best excuse. Even Mr. Alder wasn’t so heartless as to deny him earlier leave when family was involved. He tried to appear concerned over his relatives’ issue, which proved easy to feign, because he _was_ worried.

“I see” Mr. Alder responded in a way that made it obvious he didn’t buy it. Dean felt unpleasant squeeze in his abdomen before Mr. Alder patted him on a shoulder. “Well, you’ve been pulling an impressive amount of work lately, so an early leave today won’t make much of a difference. Go and have fun. But I expect to see you tomorrow working so fast that you’re a blur as if Wile E. Coyote himself is chasing you. _Beep, beep_!”

Mr. Adler laughted at his own joke and Dean chuckled politely, inching toward the elevators.

Sure, because additional _twenty minutes_ of rest would make him so much more energetic. Prick.

“And give my greetings to ‘ _the family emergency’_ ” Mr. Adler added. Dean paused and looked back over his shoulder, confused. “I hope I’ll get an invitation to the mating ceremony.”

_Oh._

Yeah, don’t count on it.

Dean got onto the elevator and rode to the first underground level where the parking lot was located, letting the steady hum of the lifting machinery relax him after the unpleasant meeting. He was too focused on getting back home to notice how tired he was, so at the last that was that, but his feet still ached in those goddamned dress shoes and he couldn’t wait to finally take them off.

Mr. Adler’s remark reminded him that he should call Lisa soon. Uh, what kind of Alpha _forgets_ about their Omega? Seriously!

The truth was that between work and dealing with Cas’s problems he didn’t have much time for anything, there just wasn’t enough hours in the day and even if there were Mr. Alder would probably insist Dean spends them in the office. He’d have to give up sleep or food to be able to take care of everything. He hoped it won’t come down to this. He did so in the past when he was particularly pressed for time and those weren’t memories he’d like to relive.

At this rate he might not have a choice, though. He already was straining Lisa’s patience, he could tell despite her assuring that she was fine. He needed to call her quickly in the very least, today or tomorrow.

The parking lot was chilly and quiet, most of the staff already gone. Dean as a higher up was among the last people to leave. He cut straight through the empty spots toward his Baby. He welcomed the leather seats with a content sign, taking a moment to relax. Then he fastened the belt, put a random radio station playing classic rock on – he took a liking to it after Dad – and drove toward the exit, giving a polite nod to the poor guy stuck in a tiny guard booth for the entire night before climbing the ramp.

As he joined the line of cars on the road, his mind returned to Cas. How long would it take for the therapy to show results and make Cas understand the sheer amount of bullshit he was fed his entire life? Months? Years? He hoped for the faster recovery, but the latter sounded more realistic.

While Dean has heard of people who saw male Omegas as inferior, he never came across them. The worst he encountered was some edgy kid or teenage asshole he butted heads with back in school years using slurs like “man-bitch” and “man-whore” purely to annoy the hell out of him, though they had no malicious intends beyond that. Similarly, the local church he and his family attended few times a year on holidays didn’t hold to things written in the Bible about male Omegas; Father Jim explicitly proclaimed during the sermons that they were all God’s children and respecting each other was one of the main keys to earning place in Heaven. Cherry picking at its finest and something Dean will never get – why even bother following a religion and claiming that God gave you a moral rules to obey if you’re going to chose elements you like and ignore everything else? – but _shit_ , he’ll take it any day over that fucked up community Cas grew up in.

Yeah, in theory he always knew the Bible contained some awful passages about the male Omegas. Actually meeting a person who took them seriously was a shock to him and made him wonder again. How someone like Sam or Father Jim, both devoted Christians, explained those parts away when they clearly didn’t believe in them? One day he should ask his brother about it.

Back in their teenage years as Dean slowly became an atheist and felt a deep need to convert everyone else, he and Sam had countless arguments on religious topics, neither willing to give up on their convictions. Then they matured and decided to let the other believe whatever they wanted, because there were more important things in life. Sam was a good guy and saw his faith as inspiration for helping people. “ _Each night I pray for the health of my patients_ ” he admitted once. “ _I don’t know if God actually listens, but with some of them I’ll take any miracle I might get._ ”

However, in Cas’s case the faith was used _against_ him as a source of shame, turning him into a wreck who used self-harm as a punishment for perceived sins. He wouldn’t get better as long as he’s clutching onto religion.

It was ten past eight when Dean made it back to the apartment building, parked his car and rushed through the chilly night, ignoring the drizzle wetting his face and hair, toward the front entrance. A relief washed over him as he stepped inside and smelled a fresh trail of Cas’s scent lingering in the main hallway, indicating that the Omega has returned only a moment ago. The scent was intense, bringing to Dean’s mind a vision of an apple pie that was left in the oven for five minutes too long, but it didn’t show sadness or depression, more like… conflicting emotions maybe? Which meant that Cas was fine. Still, he quickly took the elevator up without even checking if there was a mail for him and hurried to his apartment.

“Cas?” he called, closing the door behind. Cas’s sneakers were neatly set inside a shoe cabinet and his jacket dangled on a coat hanger.

A shuffle of feet announced Cas’s presence just before he descended the stairs, looking tired and bringing that intense smell of apple pie along.

“Hello, Dean” he greeted. “You’re early. ” In the past three days Cas learned to expect him at half past eight, always with a warm meal waiting on the dining table.

“My boss let me go quicker today” Dean explained, which was only a half-lie.

“I didn’t have time to prepare a dinner yet.”

Dean waved his hand in a dismissive gesture and started stripping out of his outer wear. “Don’t worry, we’ll throw something together.” He _groaned_ in contentment when he took the dress shoes off and let his aching feet rest on a cool floor; even hard wooden planks were preferable to walking in those goddamned torture devices. “Come on” he invited Cas in as he entered the kitchen.

Now that there was a real food to use, they fixed a pasta with Bolognese sauce. Normally so late in the evening Dean would settle on a simple salad, but getting Cas to eat properly was more important than keeping a waistline; he’ll just burn all that extra fat on a treadmill later.

The first portion of a dish made Dean realize how hungry he was after the entire day of work. Due to the amount of tasks he had to do he only had time for a breakfast at home and a fast lunch in his office, which he ate with one hand while still typing on his computer with the other.

After he cleaned half of the plate and his stomach settled down, Dean looked across the table at Cas. In the time they spent cooking his scent calmed down a little, returning to the neutral sweet aroma Dean enjoyed so much.

“So” he started. “What do you think of the therapy thus far?”

Pondering his question, Cas slowly chewed on the food. He eventually swallowed and said carefully as if afraid that Dean will chide him for giving the wrong answer: “It’s different than I envisioned.”

“How so?”

“I expected more of an… attitude correction.”

Dean scowled. That sounded like Cas was talking about putting a troublesome student in a corner and making them contemplate what they’ve done to deserve the punishment, not a therapy.

Well, he turned out to be partially correct, because then Cas added: “Whenever Mother, Father Joshua and sometimes even my brothers wanted to improve my behavior, they would tell me exactly what to do, because they knew I couldn’t be trusted to figure things out by myself.”

“That’s a bunch of bull” Dean snapped. “You’re an _adult_. You’re capable of making your own decision.”

“But they were _right_.” Cas shook his head and turned those sad, blue eyes at him, silently pleading him to understand. “I need other people to control my actions. Look at everything I did when they left me…”

“They didn’t _leave_ you! They _abandoned_ you!”

Cas winced at his harsh tone and Dean took a calming breath. No matter how angry he was at Cas’s family, he should control himself. The poor guy went through enough crap without him adding to it.

“Look” he tried again in a more controlled voice, which proved to be challenging “I get that you’re convinced your family did nothing wrong, but I don’t agree, okay? They had _no_ right to treat you the way they did.”

“Dean, you cannot hold it against them” Cas insisted.

“I sure can. It’s not a problem for me.”

“Their behavior was the effect of them adhering to God’s word and He explicitly condemned male Omegas. It’s not within mine nor your right to question His intentions.”

Dean shook his head and pushed the plate away, having lost any appetite. The realization that Cas still hold onto those horrible ideas was beyond his understanding. If anyone used a religion to abuse him like that, he wouldn’t be following it for long.

Usually he didn’t mind people assuming he was a Christian, majority of American were after all, but right now he didn’t want to be mistaken for one. Not when Cas tried to justify his own abuse at hands of those scumbags. “I don’t believe in God” he clarified.

Cas’s eyes widened in shock.

“W-what?” he chocked out. “Dean, what happened that made you turn your back on God?”

“Nothing happened.” Dean shrugged.  “I just don’t believe, that’s all.”

“People don’t abandon their faith just like that! Dean, if something tragic happened in your past, that’s not a reason to be angry at God. Suffering is a way of testing your faith—“

“Whoa, whoa!” Dean raised his palm up to stop the stream of words coming from Cas. Honestly, he should have seen this reaction from a mile away, considering Cas’s religious upbringing, but still, it was tiresome that people assumed he left the church due to some tragic event in his life that made him angry at God. _Everyone_ did that, except for fellow atheists like Pam. “I’m _not_ angry at God. If I was angry at him, that would mean I still believe in him and I _don’t_.”

Cas’s mouth twisted as if he tasted something unpleasant. “How can you deny the existence of God?” he asked, looking at Dean with aversion for the first time since they’ve met. Dean hated that expression and stood up to walk to the counter, away from Cas. “How else you can explain the miracle of life?”

“The same miracle God supposedly condemned in you?” Dean couldn’t help but say and watched as Cas was taken aback. Okay, he was doing it _again_ , acting like an asshole toward him, but the harder Cas insisted on defending those _repugnant_ believes, the stronger anger blazed inside Dean. “It’s not a miracle, Cas” he explained. “It’s a simple biology, the same that gave you the ability to have pups.” Cas turned his head away, jaw clenched, clearly not wanting to hear any of it. Too bad, because Dean wasn’t done yet. “You can watch a documentary if you want or read on the internet. Some men developed an ability to get pregnant in the past when the number of women in certain regions got dangerously low and people were under the threat of extinction.”

But Cas only shook his head. “You are being deceived” he insisted.

Apparently he had Dean for an idiot who believed everything he was told at face value without bothering to check those things on his own. “Tons of scientists researched these stuff and found more evidence than the nonsense you’ve been fed!” Dean shot back. “The Bible was written by a bunch of assholes who wanted to spread their intolerance, that’s all!”

He jerked back when Cas _slammed_ his fist on the tabletop and shot up, sending the chair _screeching_ backwards over the floor.

“DO NOT SPEAK ABOUT GOD’S WILL THAT WAY” he exploded. “I WON’T ALLOW IT!”

The sight of Cas’s enraged expression and the acidic stench of his outrage, so different from his usual kind self, temporarily stole Dean’s voice. Only when he remembered that he tried to help Cas, free him from the horrible ideas he believed, that he persisted. “That ‘ _God’s will_ ’ gave them an excuse to treat you like crap! You’re not some demon! You’re a human being and deserve the same respect as everyone else! Those assholes were just looking for a punching bag!”

“I am done listening to you!” Cas headed to the exit from the kitchen, only to pause briefly and glance back at Dean. “I will pray for you to regain your senses and start believing in God again” he assured. Then he rushed up the stairs, his loud footsteps echoing down the hallway until they were cut off by the door _slamming_ shut, and left Dean in a stunned silence.

 

***

 

Castiel stood in the small space of guest bedroom, unsure of what to do with himself, as his body fidgeted from rage burning inside him, the rage ignited by Dean with those untruthful, _vile_ words. To claim that God’s will written in the Bible was nothing more than…

 _The audacity_! Castiel was _never_ this offended in his entire life! Even the most hurtful things Mother and his brothers did to him _paled_ in comparison! Regardless of his generosity, Dean had _no_ right to make such disgusting remarks about his faith and especially not about God, his _only_ companion throughout the most painful times of his life.

His legs started shaking from the emotional strain and Castiel had to sit down on the bed. Bracing elbows on his knees and hiding face in his palms, careful not to put pressure on his round belly, he worked on breathing normally.

He wasn’t delusional, he always knew his family, Father Joshua and the members of community didn’t care for him; they had no reason to, really. God gave them permission to shun male Omegas and that’s why every act of kindness they showed him spoke of their good hearts. Because they weren’t obligated in any way to treat him like that. Yes, it was their free choice to help him achieve eternal salvation, but they didn’t care for him. Over the years God was his only companion, loving him despite Castiel’s very existence being a stain on the natural order and giving him a chance at redemption that he wasted.

Without God he’d be completely _alone_.

At least until he met Dean. ‘ _You don’t think Dean cares about you?_ ’ dr. Barnes asked and Castiel still wasn’t sure about the answer. He _wished_ to believe Dean did. The last few days, in spite of what happened on Sunday, were the best time of Castiel’s life and Dean seemed to enjoy it as well. He _sought out_ Castiel’s companionship, making the Omega feel like there was at least _some_ value to his person. He was good enough to provide a company.

And now Dean callously hurt him more than _anyone_ ever managed, each of his _disgusting_ words cutting into his chest and ripping a small chunk of what made him who he was.

He couldn’t forgive it.

 

***

 

The next two days were quiet as Cas stayed angry at him. Sure, he still prepared meals for Dean and even ate with him at the dinner table, but refused to participate in small talks, politely explaining that he wasn’t in a mood while refusing to spare a glance in Dean’s direction, and the moment they were done, he run upstairs with an excuse that he was tired. Dean had no idea if he really needed to rest, but he’d be an utter _douchebag_ if he denied a pregnant dude proper sleep, so he didn’t fight over it. And if Cas was just throwing a fit… Well, Hell would freeze over before Dean apologized for stating the truth.

That being said, as those two days progressed, Dean missed more and more the sweet apple pie scent, now polluted by acidic undertone of anger, and the easy conversations he had with Cas. He grew irritable, which affected his work and he ended up snapping at several of his co-workers and – worse – subordinates who were too intimidated by his position to call Dean on his shit. Finally, when he nearly yelled at Mr. Adler, he decided to seek an advise. Although Sam was familiar with Cas’s history, Dean figured that nobody will be able to help him better that Cas’s therapist.

He waited until the Friday evening, fighting with his own conviction that he was in the right and _shouldn’t_ be the one attempting to fix the situation, but fifteen minutes before his work day was over he grabbed the cell phone and dialed Pam’s number, the thought of spending _another_ awkward meal with Cas pushing him to action. As usual when he was nervous, he got up and started pacing, listening to the steady _beeping_.

Pam picked up after two signals and greeted him with “Dean!”, her voice full of pleasant disbelieve. “What a surprise! Your boss actually let you out of the shackles for once?”

“Ha, ha” he responded. “You’re hilarious.” But okay, _maybe_ he deserved it a little. It’s been nearly two months – _Jesus_ – since he last spoke to Pam, the therapy session being arranged through Sam.

Unimpressed by his sarcasm, Pam got to the point: “What do I owe the honor?”

“I just wanted to know how your meeting with Cas went.” Dean paused at his desk and started picking at the stack of papers neatly arranged in the corner. He tried to put some nonchalance into his tone, probably to little success. “If something upsetting happened.”

“Why won’t you ask him instead?”

 _Dammit_ , she had to start digging. Guess there’s no avoiding the truth.

“We’re not really on speaking terms right now…” Dean admitted.

He was cut off by an understanding “Oh!” coming from the received. “You two had a fight and now you want me to tell you how to make up with Cas. And here I _foolishly_ assumed you decided to say hello and find out if I’m still alive…”

A guilt flashed in Dean’s chest as he raised a hand up and brushed the palm over his face. He _knew_ he neglected personal relationships for nearly a year, but why _everyone_ insisted on pointing it out at any chance they got? He felt crappy enough without their constant nagging. He just wanted to get that promotion, which will improve his life, only Mr. Adler and the other _assholes_ sitting in the chairmen office took their _sweet time_ actually giving it to him, clearly taking advantage of Dean’s willingness to work extra hours. Honestly, he was more tired with this situation than anyone else.

“I’m pretty sure Sam would tell me if something bad happened to you” Dean pointed out.

He couldn’t hold back the exhaustion in his voice and Pam heard it, because she dropped the teasing and said: “Okay, give me the details. Why aren’t you and Cas talking?”

“I told him that all the religious nonsense he was taught about male Omegas is a bunch of bull” Dean admitted. Only then he realized how harsh it sounded, so to soften the impact, he added: “Not in those exact words.”

During the long silence that came from the received he almost saw Pam shaking her head.

“Way to go, Dean” she eventually commented.

“But it’s true!” Annoyance overtook Dean and he started pacing again to let the steam out. _Goddamit_ , he won’t apologize for standing up for his friend! And yeah, he supposed that somewhere between inviting Cas in and now Dean grew to consider him a friend. “Then Cas flipped on me and we haven’t had a real conversation in two days. He never acted like this before, so I figured maybe you discussed something particularly upsetting during the meeting.”

“Dean.” Pam’s tone became stern. “I _cannot_ discuss any details of our session with you. That would be a violation of patient’s trust.”

“See, that’s where you’re wrong. You’re not suppose to reveal any touchy information to a third party, but I already know _everything_ about Cas’s family history, so it’s okay.”

“Dean, _no_. You can beg as much as you want, you won’t change my mind.”

Realizing he was getting nowhere, Dean plopped down on the desk chair and stared idly at the typing icon blinking in the report he should be finishing. The cold treatment from Cas was eating him out and he wasn’t able to properly focus on work the entire day. It wasn’t fucking fair. Why was he being punished for speaking against the abuse Cas received?

“I just want to help him, Pam” Dean pointed out, resigned. “To make him understand how _wrong_ those stupid believes are.”

“Insulting his faith is _not_ the way to do it” Pam insisted.

“What, am I suppose to encourage it?!” Dean’s anger reignited at the mere idea, licking at his heart and leaving painful burns. That faith was used to abuse Cas! He _won’t_ stand up for it, no way!

“Dean, _focus_. Don’t you think Cas would find comfort in religion?”

That was such _ridiculous_ notion Dean snorted and for a moment wasn’t able to get his brain to work properly.

“ _Comfort_?” he finally managed, letting his entire disgust leak into that one word. “They told him he was _doomed to Hell_ for being an Omega!”

“And that if he worked hard enough, he’d achieve salvation despite it” Pam added.

“That’s not…” Dean lost his voice again and had to collect his thoughts. Yes, the promise of going to Heaven could be appealing to Cas and Dean got that part, but it was packaged with the rest of that toxic shit. “ _It doesn’t make sense_! Why would Cas believe he was a _monster_ and needed to work harder than anyone else to earn salvation to begin with?! That doesn’t…! I don’t understand it!”

“You don’t have to understand. The important part is that it makes sense to Cas and we’re trying to help _him_ , right? And if you keep insulting something so important to him, he’ll draw back from you.”

 _Crap_ , he honestly didn’t see the situation from that point of view, but the threat of Cas shutting him out completely was a slap in the face he needed to realize the magnitude of his screw up. He had to make up with Cas before the irreversible damages happened to their relationship. He _promised_ himself to support Cas and he damn intended to keep it.

“Okay, I get it now” Dean admitted. “Thanks for the advise, Pam.”

“I recommend myself in the future” Pam joked. Dean was about to hang up when she added “Dean, one more thing” and he pressed the cell phone back to his ear. “For the time being it’s best you don’t mention to Cas any male Omegas you know.”

Considering what Cas believed, it was the smart choice.

“I’ll keep that in mind” Dean promised.

And with that he hung up.

Punctually at 8 pm and not a minute later Dean walked out of his office. Thankfully, he didn’t run across Mr. Adler, because he wasn’t in a mood to pretend his joked were funny or listen to him bragging about his Omega boyfriend as if he was praising a particularly good race horse.

The return trip was full of conflicting feelings for Dean. On intellectual level he knew Pam was right, he really did, but still struggled to accept them emotionally. The extremely religious upbringing was the true source of Cas’s issues and Dean’s mind insisted the most efficient way to deal with them was convincing Cas that those believed were false. Letting him continue holding onto them made Dean feel like he was an _accomplice_.

But that wasn’t the case, now was it? He would be apologizing to Cas for spitting at something that brought him comfort during the time of his abuse, _not_ for standing up against those backwards believes.

He needed to get his shit together. For _Cas’s_ sake. Because Pam was right, it was about _Cas_ , not him.

Apologizing was never pleasant, especially in this situation, but Dean knew when to admit to being in the wrong. However, he wasn’t quite sure how to approach it. He didn’t merely annoy Cas, he deeply hurt him and that was harder to make up for. A simple “sorry” won’t do. He’ll have to put an actual effort into showing Cas that he genuinely regretted acting like insensitive jerk. The question remained _how_.

The solution came to him when he stopped at the crossroad and waited for the green light to turn on, impatiently tapping fingers on the steering wheel and watching pedestrians as they crossed the street in front of him. That’s when his eyes wandered toward the bookstore located to his left, still open with several customers inside. Immediately an idea spawned in his mind, but he scoffed and simply drove away once the light changed. That was a _ridiculous_ thought! As supportive as he wanted to act, no reason to go overboard like that!

Did he have a better plan, thought?

Nothing came to his mind.

And so he turned Baby around and returned to the store, finding an empty parking spot near the entrance. A little bell that hanged above the door jingled happily to announce his presence as he walked in and the employee standing behind the counter gave him polite smile. He nodded back at him, but didn’t ask for help. It felt awkward enough to be here with a full intention of buying a freaking _Bible_ when he stopped believing in God over a decade ago; telling someone else what he searched for was out of question. He strolled found a section on religion in the corner, grabbed a single copy and quickly returned to the counter, holding the volume pressed title first against his chest as if he was buying a porn magazine. And he wasn’t even nervous while doing so! An Alpha had needs, like everyone else, and there was nothing shameful to him in getting some tension out. So why the fuck buying a _Bible_ of all things made him nervous?

Dean threw his purchase on the passenger’s seat and drove home. The moment he stepped inside the apartment, as usual he was hit by intense smell of dinner, tonight a simple combination of potatoes, a cucumber salad and roasted chicken. His stomach clenched and growled in response, so Dean shut the door, turned the lock and stripped off his outer wear before walked straight to the kitchen on his aching feet.

The sight of Cas pulling the chicken breasts out of the oven, wearing an apron covered in sunflowers pattern – a joke gift Sam bought Dean to celebrate him moving into this apartment – made Dean pause in the threshold, the shopping bag dangling in his hand and tapping against his leg. It was so _domestic_ , exactly he dreamed of ever since he started working at Sandover: a pregnant mate waiting at home with a warm dinner they’d eat together and once they’re full, they’d head upstairs to either cuddle to sleep or have sex, _then_ cuddle to sleep.

His fingers twitched to brush down Cas’s back, embrace him in a gentle hug and kiss—

 _What the hell am I thinking?!_ , Dean chastised himself, entered the kitchen and dropped the purchase on the table. The soft _thump_ brought Cas’s attention to him.

“Welcome home” the Omega greeted dryly and turned back away to shut the oven off.

“Heya, Cas” Dean responded, already feeling down due to the cold treatment. “Can we talk?”

“If you wish.” Cas didn’t even bother to pause the dinner preparation nor face Dean to indicate any interest in what he had to say.

Hopefully, Pam’s advise will work, because Dean didn’t want the situation to continue. Only two days have passed and he already missed the easy friendship they built.

Ignoring the unpleasant gnawing in his stomach, Dean decided to just take the bull by the horns: “I wanted to apologize for what I said on Wednesday. I understand now how deeply I hurt you.”

That brought Cas’s full attention back to Dean, which encouraged him to keep going: “I bought you a present as amends” he added, holding the shopping bag to Cas.

After a brief hesitation Cas took it and pulled the book out. His eyes went wide when he saw the title and he glanced toward Dean in utter disbelieve as if he expected the Alpha to snatch it away any moment, laughing and revealing the whole thing to be a joke. None of it happened, of course, and Cas continued staring at him in silence.

“Dean, I can’t…” he faltered. Probably wanted to turn the gift down, but he ended up pressing the Bible to his chest instead; it wasn’t something he could give up. “Thank you” Cas finished.

The weight that pressed on Dean’s shoulders for past days lifted, making him feel light. Still, he preferred to ask just to be sure: “Are we cool now?”

Cas drew his eyebrows together and tilted his head to the side in confusion. Right, the sheltered upbringing.

“I meant if we’re on good terms again” Dean clarified.

An understanding shined in Cas’s eyes. “Yes” he confirmed, nodding frantically. “And I’d also like to give my apology.”

“Dude, forget about it.” Dean raised his hands, palms toward Cas, in attempt to stop him from talking.

However, Cas kept going: “You selflessly provided me with a place to stay, food to eat and clothes to wear. Now _this_.” He gently run fingers up and down the covered. “I cannot begin to express how much all of it means to me. And in exchange for your support I shouted on you and treated you coldly for two days in your own house. I was ungrateful and I’m deeply sorry.”

His stare was full of silent pleading for forgiveness. It wasn’t hard on Dean’s part to give it to him. Not like Cas didn’t anything wrong, certainly nothing the magnitude of Dean’s screw up.

“As I said: forget about it” Dean repeated. “I overstepped and you reacted accordingly. Let’s move on, okay?”

For some reason Cas still appeared uneasy, waking a flash of nervousness in Dean.

“Are you _positive_ we’re fine?” Dean asked.

“Yes, I assure you!” Cas quickly confirmed. “It’s just…” He lowered his head and continued brushing the Bible as if he took a comfort in the smooth touch of its cover. Pam was right. Despite how contradictory it was, religion gave Cas strength to survive. “Nobody ever forgave me so easily. Not since my presentation.”

And so they returned to the very subject that parted them in the first place. Dean watched as Cas’s face broke when he undoubtly reminiscent of the past abuse. While the Alpha was determined to remain open-minded over Cas’s faith, he felt a pressing need to speak up again.

“I stand by one thing I said” he revealed. “You’re _not_ a monster.” Cas opened his mouth, but Dean didn’t let him get a word in before he made his case clear. “I don’t care what is written in the Bible nor what you’ve been taught. You’re a good guy to me and the people you grew up around couldn’t appreciate you.”

Cas’s mouth closed and for a moment Dean feared another explosion of anger. That didn’t happen, though. Cas swayed in place, glancing everywhere except at Dean, unsure what to do next. His scent was polluted by an embarrassed stench of burned rubber and, strangely enough, sour smell of fear.

His heart sunk a little when he realized that Cas didn’t know how to react to the compliment, because he wasn’t used to hearing them. Dean decided that from now on he’d always praise him every time he did  something good to make up for it. Maybe without excess, otherwise he’ll risk swinging the problem too far in the _opposite_ direction. He wanted Cas to be a healthy, confident person, not a smug douchebag. Though he doubted Cas could become one anyway.

Finally, Cas regained his composure and offered: “Why won’t we eat?”

They sat down with two portions of the dinner, which turned out to taste as well as it smelled. Cas made some awkward attempt at conversation, shyly asking Dean about his day, and the Alpha welcomed the question after two days of suffocating silence. He described a boring meeting he had with sponsor, during which he presented their monthly revenue, and following _hours_ of reading various reports, making phone calls and running around to explain small mistakes his subordinates made. Obviously, he didn’t mention how distracted he was the whole time and was particularly careful of his words, afraid to accidentally start another fight when they barely made up from the previous one.

When they finished eating, Cas offered to clean the table, but Dean waved his hand dismissively and started packing the dirty dishes into a dishwasher himself. He proposed instead that they kick back and watch a movie later on. A jab of disappointed pricked him in the heart when Cas turned down the invitation, claiming that he’d like to read the Bible if it’s okay with Dean. His apple pie scent was clean, proving that he wasn’t hiding any additional grudge toward Dean, so Dean nodded in agreement. He watched the Omega climb the stairs and disappeared up the second floor. Soon Cas’s footsteps were cut off by the sound of bedroom door clicking shut.

Despite his mild disappointment, Dean could get used to evenings like this. In the past he’d return to an empty apartment, have a hastily prepared dinner before hitting the bed early to run away from the crushing silence. Sure, his family dropped in sometimes, but Sam and Pam had their own lives, their own place to live in, so those weren’t common enough to counter the overwhelming coldness of this place.

He haven’t realized how _lonely_ he felt.

Now he looked forward to returning home, curious to try another delicious meal – _damn_ if Cas wasn’t a good cook – and to actually talk with someone who wasn’t a co-worker or a client. Someone who was curious to learn about _Dean_ , not how much money they made this month or whatever.

A sharp ring of the cell phone cut though Dean’s thoughts and he paused wiping the dinner table, the dishes already tucked away, to pick up. Maybe Pam wanted to check out how the situation unfolded?

But it wasn’t her. The name flashing on the tiny screen filled Dean’s stomach with oily chill of guilt.

‘ _Lisa_ ’.

He was suppose to call her! He completely forgot…! What kind of Alpha _forgets_ about their future mate?! Fucking hell, he was a complete _idiot_!

Guided by guilt and shame, Dean quickly answered, putting as much enthusiasm into his voice as he could muster. “Hey, sweetie! What a nice surprise!”

“Glad to hear that” Lisa responded, none the wiser to Dean’s negligence, which should make him feel better, but instead deepened the awful cold in his stomach. “I just wanted to check out how things are going on with your new roommate.”

“Not well, actually.” He weighted if it was okay to fill Lisa in on everything Cas went through, considering he already told Sam. Honestly, sharing such private information with his brother he grew up with and trusted completely was different from doing the same with Lisa, so he chose to give her w clipped version. “It turned out that Cas had a really messed up life and suffers from a lot of mental issues. On Sunday he tried to claw his own face off.”

A breathy “Oh my _God_ …” came from the other side, followed by a tense silence as Lisa took in his words. “I was afraid that would be the case. What now?”

“I signed him up for therapy with Pam. They already had their first session on Wednesday. Sorry I haven’t told you, but between everything that happened—“

“It’s okay. I get that you have your hands full.”

There was no hint of bitterness in Lisa’s voice, despite the fact that taking care of Cas let Dean even less time to spend with her. She was always sensitive to other people’s problems. That’s why Dean started dating her in the first place.

And now he forgot about her existence.

Fuck.

“Call me up whenever you need help, okay?” Lisa said.

“Sure” Dean agreed.

They said goodbyes and Lisa hang up. Dean braced against the dinner table, rooted to the spot, and stared at the blank screen of his cell phone. All he could think about was how _sweet_ Lisa sounded in spite of the fact that only fifteen minutes ago he daydreamed about Cas being his mate. But of course she couldn’t know about it.

This whole situation was getting more and more complicated with each passing day.


	11. Who is Castiel Novak?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep, a double feature today, updating both "Christmas Special with the Winchesters" and "Road to Salvation". This is a shorter chapter and mostly a set up for the next one. Originally, they were one piece, but it grew to such size that I made an executive decision to split it in two. However, with this chapter "Road to Salvation" officially became my longest fic and we haven't yet reached the halfway point, though it's coming. I believe it will fall into chapter 17 if my calculations are correct. When it does, you'll know for sure - it's going to be a noticeable shift, which I subtly foreshadowed throughout the story.
> 
> This is the first chapter edited by my Beta, MrsDeanWinchester87. I already thanked her through emails, but once again, thanks for the help! You really improve my stories!

Castiel shut the oven door, trapping the intense heat and sweet scent of cinammon and apples that wafted towards his face, and set the timer. After half an hour he would check if the crust had reached that gorgeous golden brown he was looking for. It had to be _perfect_. It was a thank you gift for Dean.

He straightened up and winced at the dull throb in his lower back. He had been cleaning the  entire day - living room, both bathrooms, upstairs and downstairs hallways - and it was catching up to him. And he still had two bedrooms __and__  the kitchen left to take care of. He sighed and decided to leave them for tomorrow. First, he needed to ask Dean for permission to enter the master bedroom and move his belongings around instead of simply barging in like __he__ owned the apartment. It was Dean’s personal space.

As the last task for the day he prepared dinner and a pie for dessert. He had thrown together a simple gratin tucked in a casserole that was set on the counter, ready to be baked shortly before Dean’s return. He wanted it to be as fresh and as warm as possible.

Castiel surveyed the kitchen. He hadn’t made much of a mess. All of the dishes he had used were neatly placed in the sink. There was no point in loading the dishwasher since it was a small enough stack to clean quickly by hand. So, with a determined sigh, Castiel rolled his jumper sleeves up, filled the sink with warm soapy water and started washing.

It was Saturday, closing on One PM and Dean, once again, was expected to show up at the office. Castiel had never seen anyone who spent so much time at work before he met Dean. Although looking back, priests were technically always on duty, even during their resting period. One could never know when a lost soul would wander into the church with a need for spiritual guidance. Most of the faithful followers would work around eight hour a day, five days a week with weekends off. Even Michael and Lucifer, who managed their own businesses, made sure to arrange some freetime for a well-earned rest. And of course they would make it to service on Sundays. Castiel didn’t understand why Dean’s company - Sandover, if he recalled correctly - demanded so many hours on his part, it seemed an overly excessive requirement. Still, he wished to make Dean’s life as easy as possible. Hence the reason why he took care cleaning the apartment and cooking nice fulfilling meals for the alpha.

Doing housework made Castiel feel less like a burden. Despite the physical strain, which was intensified by his large belly, it allowed him to relax and calm his mind enough to consider Dr. Barnes’ homework. A request he couldn’t focus on for the past two days because he was too upset over Dean’s words. Luckily,  their fight had passed and now he was able to think about it.

Dr. Barnes’ homework was no easy task, even though it was only one question: what were five things, unrelated to his Omega status, he liked and disliked about himself? He chose to start with the latter.

The honest response was that he hated nearly __everything__ about himself, so it wouldn’t be hard to name merely five flaws. Immediately his thoughts jumped to the way he behaved toward Dean for the last two days. While Dean assured him that he did nothing wrong, Castiel felt an unpleasant clench in his stomach each time he returned in his memories to the cold, distant treatment he gave Dean. How __ungrateful__ of Castiel to act like that towards the man who had taken him in, regardless of the reason! Hadn’t God said that if someone slapped you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek as well? His behavior had contradicted everything he was ever taught and yet he still did so, convinced to be in the right!

Pride and ungratefulness. That’s two things.

That’s what pushed Castiel to leave his childhood home too. He believed that he could remain a moral person without Mother’s guidance. And after his life started falling apart due to his __own__ mistakes, he tried to return, expecting Mother to take the responsibility and fix the situation! Now that he actually paused to consider his behavior, it sounded so __ridiculous.__ He couldn’t stop a chuckle from slipping out of his mouth. He unplugged the sink, watching the water swirl down the drain, and grabbed the towel to start drying the bowls. Yes, Mother rightly refused his plea for help and made him take the fall. And the worst part was that despite facing the consequences of his actions for past of four months and understanding how he ended up pregnant and homeless in the first place, he __still__ made the same mistakes. He acted like a temper-tantrum-throwing pup toward Dean in his __own__ apartment. Inexcusable.

Number three on the list also appeared in his mind rather quickly as he wiped his hands dry and started putting the bowls back in their designated places. He chose to clean the apartment specifically to avoid being a burden while he stayed with Dean. He didn’t want to simply take and give nothing in return; that’s what parasites do.

But wasn’t he one already? A vile, demonic creation who’s only purpose was to eat away at people’s morality, lives, and __souls__ for personal gain. He’d done it to the Kellys and their friends, and now he was working on Dean’s-

No, he couldn’t let it happen again!

Castiel lost ahold of the last bowl, dropping it on the floor with a __thud__. He closed his eyes and started breathing evenly, struggling to calm the burning rage inside him that demanded he destroy the threat -  _ _himself__  - in order to protect Dean. It was the memory of how __distraught__ Dean looked when he hurt himself last time that helped Castiel keep his anger in check. He never wanted to see that hollow expression shrouding Dean’s beautiful features ever again!

Dr. Barnes asked him to always call her whenever he felt those urges; although he hadn’t agreed to it. He preferred to not even be in the situation when he’d have to ignore her request.

He took one last calming breath, opening his eyes and picking up the fallen bowl. After placing it in the cupboard properly, he ventured to the downstairs bathroom.

The smell of jasmine lingered from the floor cleaner he used earlier. Castiel walked over to the vanity cabinet and took in his appearance in the large mirror. Long scars from fingernails marred his cheekbones, temples and neck. They had turned paler now, properly healed due to regular application of the ointment Dean insisted he used daily. In addition to his thick beard and his overgrown hair (that routinely fell into his eyes), he looked out of place in this luxurious apartment... like a bum residing in a palace and spoiling its appearance.

With shame burning his cheeks, he scoured the bathroom and found a pair of scissors, shaving cream and a disposable razor. He wasn’t certain if it was acceptable for him to use those items. Dean would probably scoff that __of course__  he could, but Castiel felt guilt gnawing at him at the thought of touching someone’s property. Regardless, he set them on the counter, lining them up neatly in a line, then plugged the sink and turned on the water.

He took his shirt off, so it wouldn’t get wet, and threw it on the closed toilet seat. When he turned back, his eyes landed on the baby bump reflecting in the mirror. At nearly five months along it was clearly visible and only thicker, over-sized sweaters allowed Castiel to cover his condition from stranger’s eyes whenever he left the apartment. Mesmerized, he brushed both of his palms over the swell, his reflection obediently repeating the motion. The skin felt taut, but also smooth and warm. To think that there was a small life growing inside... it was both exciting and intimidating.

Repeatedly he moved his hands up and down, unable to stop. That was, until he accidentally brushed across one of his nipples. A __shiver__ ran down his spine and a __gasp__ escaped his lips.

He looked closer at his reflection and for the first time noticed that his chest was also swollen. Both his nipples appeared darker than before. Carefully, he moved the right hand higher and pressed it against the skin; it felt very puffy and sensitive, responding to the touch with... no, not pleasure, more like __relief__. It took several seconds for Castiel’s mind to catch up and understand that they were preparing to produce milk for the pup... which Castiel didn’t intend to keep.

That was correct, from the very beginning he planned to give the pup for adoption, so getting distracted by how his body changed to accommodate pregnancy was a waste of time. He removed both hands from his body and shut the faucet off, the last few drops splashing in the water filling the basin. Giving the pup to a nice Christian couple, who weren’t able to conceive on their own, was the best solution for it to have a normal life.    

And besides...

 _ _“__ _ _Such a good bitch, starved for a knot... going to make you swell with my pups...__ _ _”__  Each time Castiel looked at his growing belly, he remembered those horrible three days when seduced the Kellys and their two friends. All he  could remember were just some detached images and words that made him understand what truly happened. He kept pushing his hips back seductively and begged for them to fuck him, like a filthy __whore__. And later he did a similar thing to people he met on streets and prostituted himself in exchange for money.

How many souls had he stained to protect this wretched fruit of his sin? Ten? Twenty? He lost count long before the people refused his advances with disgust, saying that he was dirty and stunk. He should have taken care of the problem after the first four Alphas, but the pup inspired him to continue.

He loved it above all. And he hated it more than anything.

He wanted it __gone__.

Without making a conscious choice, Castiel smacked both palms against his forehead and dug his nails into his skin, sending a calming wave of pain through his body.     

 _ _Disgusting__. He was filthy, existing only to spread that filth. And now he blamed a tiny life growing inside him for every horrible crime he committed.

A memory flashed in his mind of Dean’s distraught expression. It froze him in place. He should punish himself, he thought. He __deserved__ it. But Dean would be upset again. He couldn’t do that to the alpha. And Dr. Barnes would wonder why he hadn’t called her in the first place when he had those thoughts of self-harm engulfing him.

Time passed as he stood there. His fingers were twitching, demanding that he plows his nails through his skin, scratches until blood covered his entire face. Then they’d keep going and going, ripping each dirty layer off. And yet he was able to remain still. Guilt at adding to Dean’s burden squeezed his heart.

Why had all these people - Dr. Barnes, Sam, Lisa, __Dean__ - insisted on showing concern for his well-being? Why had they wanted to stop him from self-harming? The blissful pain provided a penance, not one that could cleanse his entire soul, but worked as a punishment. He __needed__ it to function and they wanted him to stop.

Slowly, he pried the fingers away from his face and once again stared into the mirror. Tiny, reddish crescent-shapes left by his fingernails were imprinted on his skin and the guilt in his heart only deepened at that view. He failed Dean. Instead of making his life easier, he only added to his problems. What good will a clean apartment do when Castiel wasn’t able to control himself?

He took another calming breath and a thin layer of composure washed over him, trying to choke down the confusing mixture of emotions raging inside him. Best to just proceed normally with shaving and he should regain composure soon enough.

He grabbed the pair of scissors and started working on his facial hair, cutting off large clumps and dropping them into a trash can that was discreetly hidden under the sink in the cabinet. His beard grew so thick that if he used the disposable razor straight away, it would become completely dull before he was finished. By the time he chopped enough hair off, he looked ridiculous. He looked like someone had played a practical joke on him by haphazardly gluing patches of wool onto his chin and cheeks, leaving him unkempt.

He put the scissors away and soaked his remaining beard in water, poured some shaving cream onto his hands, and rubbed it over his face, producing a thick foam. A sharp smell of chemicals attacked his nose. It easily overpowered the pleasant, soft scent of cleaning solution. Castiel grabbed the razor. He pressed the blade firmly to his skin, moving it downward, cutting the messy beard and revealing smooth, pinkish skin underneath. He rinsed the razor in the sink and repeated the motion over and over again, its monotony soothing the storm raging inside his being. Eventually, when he was nearing the end, his mind had calmed down enough for him to return to Dr. Barnes homework. He needed two more flaws he disliked about himself. Easy. There were so many to choose from.

From the mirror, stared a man of angelic face - as several people described it in the past. That alluring look was meant to tempt his victims-

No, wait, that was part of his Omega facet and Dr. Barnes __stressed__ that she wanted things unrelated to it.

Castiel shaved the last patch of beard and rinsed the razor in the water (that was now filled with hair and dissolved shaving cream). He ran a hand over his cheeks and chin and found them to be perfectly smooth. Thus he got to cleaning the vanity cabinet and started to ponder the next flaw.

If the way he looked didn’t meet the requirements, then how about his scent? That was what caused those four Alphas to betray their Christian morals and spend several days-

No, that was __also__ related to his Omega gender. In that case, what about... Uh...

There must be __something__ he forgot, something hidden at the back of his mind just out of reach. He stood in place, struggling to remember, going through as many memories as he could to pinpoint some flaws. The embarrassment and anger Mother felt whenever someone new discovered he was a male Omega; Michael and Lucifer avoiding him at school and anywhere else for that matter, not wanting to be associated with a sinner; Father Joshua losing his tempter each time Castiel stepped out of the line, telling him that a male Omega wouldn’t be the one to make important decision.

All of them related to his gender. Because __that__ was the real source of his problems, including the flaws he already came up with. Dr. Barnes was __ridiculous__ by trying to focus on different aspects! This __whole__ exercise was ridiculous! A waste of time if he ever saw one!

An alarm __blared__ from the kitchen and Castiel jolted in surprise, having completely forgotten he had set it to begin with. He threw the used razor away, shrugged his t-shirt back on, and rushed to the oven.

The pie was nearly ready, had a golden, flakey crust and gave out a strong, enticing aroma of bakes apples. Castiel smiled, excited. But when he sunk a toothpick into it, the bottom turned out to be not quite ready, so he set the timer for five more minutes. Even the annoyance at Dr. Barnes’ absurd ideas couldn’t dampen his joy. He was __sure__  the pie would make Dean happy; he mentioned wanting to prepare one himself on Sunday before Castiel distracted him.

He was helping Dean out.

But only after he already caused problems and cost the Alpha money. With a sigh Castiel sat down on a chair and stared at the oven, waiting for the pie to finish.

What were other possible flaws to name for Dr. Barnes? It was pointless to him to focus on lesser issues than the big, glaring one that nobody was able to change. Maybe that was why Dr. Barnes ignored it? Because there was nothing to do about it?

This turned out be a bigger challenge than he originally anticipated. He never paused to ponder his own person. What was the point? Regardless of flaws he had, everything boiled down to being a male Omega. And now he needed to do that so Dean’s money wouldn’t be thrown down the drain, wasted on therapy. What were his weaknesses he had? What were his strengths, if any?

Who was Castiel Novak other than male Omega?

Ridiculous. He struggled to just come up with five things he __disliked__  about himself. Naming five things he __liked__  would be impossible. A bitter chuckle resounded from his throat.


	12. Five Things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thanks to MrsDeanWinchester87 for editing this chapter!

1.

 

At half past four, the sound of keys scraping inside the front door’s lock alerted Castiel to Dean’s return. He took one last look over the dinner table, confirmed that plates, glasses and utensils all rested in their proper place and hurried out to the hallway to greet the Alpha.

Dean shed his jacket and hanged it on the coat rack before turning around. When he spotted Castiel, he was visibly taken aback. “Oh,” was all he said.

Unsure what was wrong, Castiel hunched his shoulder, feeling uncomfortable under Dean’s scrutiny. “Hello, Dean,” he welcomed, hesitating. In the past he wouldn’t dare to question anyone about their problems, he never even served in a confessional during his years as a priest, but Dean had proven on several occasions that he didn’t mind sharing information with Castiel, so he took a chance and asked: “Is something troubling you?”

“N-no, it’s j-just...” Dean faltered. He shook his head, swallowed and tried again. “I didn’t recognize you for a moment with your beard shaved. You look really different. Better,” he added quickly as if afraid of insulting Castiel.

He was always so thoughtful and careful around him. Guilt squeezed Castiel’s stomach, pushing him into clarifying: “I used one of your disposable razors and shaving cream. I hope it’s alright with you.”

“Of course, Cas.” Dean grinned and waved his hand dismissively.

‘ _ _Of course, Cas.__ ’ It was still shocking to him － and maybe he’ll never get used to it － how easily Dean shrugged off the money Castiel costed him, the same money he spent __long__ hours earning in the first place. Mother wouldn’t be so easygoing. She took any chance to remind Castiel how pricey his clothes, food and school books were and she never bought him a gift unless it was practical or out of necessity. At least he always had good clothes to wear because Mother wanted all of her sons to look their best. She gave him some new clothing every birthday. But beyond that he hadn’t received anything. As much as it __hurt__ him to see Michael and Lucifer riding their new bikes or playing with pricey-looking chess set while he had nothing, he understood Mother’s behavior. Why waste expenses on a son who was nothing but a disappointment?

What he didn’t understand, though, was Dean’s willingness to do just that. He already invited him to sleep in this expensive apartment in his expensive sheets and eat food from his fridge, yet he didn’t seem to care when Castiel continued taking from him. In the end it wasn’t his place to tell Dean what he was allowed to spend his money on.

Castiel opened his mouth to say that the dinner was ready, but Dean wasn’t paying any more attention to him, busy frantically sniffing around. “Cas, what’s that...?” he paused and inhaled again. Understanding flashed through his face. “Is that...?”

Dean didn’t finish his thought and instead rushed past Castiel into the kitchen. A nervous excitement flooded him as he watched Dean search around, then stop suddenly at the view of fresh apple pie sitting temptingly on the counter, giving away a sweet aroma. It mixed in the air with the smell of baked vegetables from the gratin that was still hidden within the oven. Dean’s eyes were full of pleased disbelief, a smile bouncing on his lips when he turned to Castiel.

“Dude, you’re kidding me!” the Alpha said. “You baked an apple pie?”

“As the evidence suggests,” was all Castiel could say, pointing toward the gift; the unadulterated happiness in Dean’s expression made it hard for him to think. Apparently that was the right response, because Dean chuckled. Encouraged, Castiel added: “You mentioned last Sunday that you wanted to bake one yourself, but never got around to preparing it with... all that’s happened, so I decided to make it as a thank you gift for buying me the Bible.”

This time Dean groaned.

“That was a gift!” the Alpha pointed out. “You didn’t have to give me anything in return.”

“It felt like the right thing to do,” Castiel explained, knitting his fingers together.

Dean smiled at him softly and shook his head; it was similar in manner to the way parents would sometimes react to their pups’ silly antics and Castiel scowled, unsure where __that__ came from. He wasn’t a pup, after all.

The moment was broken when Dean bit his lower lip, opened a drawer and pulled out a large knife. He cut into the pie before Castiel found a voice to protest, the crust crunching pleasantly under the blade.

“ _ _Dean__!” Castiel finally managed. “You can’t eat pie __now__! We’re about to have a dinner!”

“Come on, just __one__ piece?” Dean whined. “I can’t resist the temptation.”

Part of him was horrified at the prospect of someone eating sweets right before dinner, defying __every__ house rule Mother instilled in him. However, the other part felt pride that he prepared such delicious-smelling pie that Dean __had__ to taste it immediately. He watched as Dean pulled out a crooked triangle piece of pie. The alpha took a bite, rolling the forkful around in his mouth. The guttural moan he gave out swelled Castiel’s chest with satisfaction.

“Oh my...” Dean paused, shaking his head like he couldn’t believe what he was eating. “This is the best pie I’ve ever ate!”

Embarrassment spread on Castiel’s neck and cheeks in hot splotches. “You’re exaggerating,” he scoffed. “It’s just apple pie.”

“No, I’m __serious__.” Dean glanced at him with determination. “You’re a fantastic cook. You __have__ to show me how to make this.” He took a second bite, which prompted __another__ moan.

When they sat down five minutes later and started eating dinner － real food － Castiel reconsidered Dean’s words. He knew from past experiences that people appreciated his cooking: other priests, some church-goers who tasted his efforts during summer picnics, Mother, and even his brothers took pleasure in it. He truly was a talented chef.

No, he shouldn’t act smug about it. Male Omegas were to be modest and dutiful, which was the only way they could earn God's mercy as abominations. That’s why he decided that he __won’t__ mention this to Dr. Barnes and simply explain that he wasn’t able to find five positive things he liked in himself. Although it was a lie, it beat behaving like he was better than others in any way. He had __nothing__ to be proud of. A good cook or not, he was a worthless garbage.

(Still, it was good to know that he had some good points.)

 

2.

 

It was nearing 6PM and the sky had already turned dark when Dean returned downstairs, freshly showered with his wet hair sticking upwards. He was dressed in a more comfortable combination of washed out jeans, t-shirt, and unzipped jumper. Castiel turned away from the panoramic window and the mesmerizing view on the night city to watch him enter the living room, deeply engaged in a conversation over the cell phone.

Briefly Castiel wondered if he should grant Dean some privacy, but the Alpha sent him an apologetic smile － why he begged pardon in his own apartment was beyond Castiel － and indicated with a raised index finger that he’d be done in a minute.

“No, they still haven’t,” Dean admitted to the receiver and paused to listen to the response. He chuckled. “Yeah, I don’t think they’ll give me the promotion if I tell them __that__. Anyway, it’s good to know everything’s fine at your place. I’ll call you next week.” Dean sighed at what he heard from the other side. “I __promise__ I will. Say hi to Father from me. Bye.” With that he disconnected and looked at Castiel. “Sorry, wanted to check on my parents.”

That in no way required an apology. “Don’t be ashamed on my behalf. Keeping in touch with your family is very important.”

Dean nodded and started massaging the back of his neck in a nervous gesture. “I know. I’ve been... kind of slacking on it lately because of work and they’re constantly nagging me over it.” He slumped down on the couch and put the cell phone on the coffee table’s glass top. An intense smell of vanilla soap emanated from his body, leaving no trace of his natural aroma of musk and leather. Castiel found himself missing it.

“Say, Cas,” Dean started. “I’ve noticed that the bathroom upstairs is freshly cleaned and now that I’m here,” he looked around, taking notice of the polished coffee table and TV screen, “so is the living room. That’s you work?”

“Yes,” the omega confirmed.

“And I suppose that no amount of ‘take it easy, dude, you’re my guest’ will stop you from doing that in the future?”

“I only wish to repay you for your generosity.”

Dean nodded, smirking. “Thought so.” He braced chin on his entwined hands and elbows on his knees, taking a moment to stare intently at Castiel. A brief flash of fear rushed through the Omega’s heart. This situation was too similar to how Mother would sometimes call him into the living room to simply glare and berate him.

But thus far Dean hadn’t acted like that. In fact, he went out of his way to make Castiel’s stay here as comfortable as possible, much to the Omega’s confusion. Maybe he finally overstepped somehow and broke Dean’s patience? He had an uncanny ability to perturb even the most levelheaded of people. Like Father Joshua who snapped at him several times over his tenure as a priest despite the fact that he __always__ remained calm and diplomatic with everyone else.

Waiting for Dean to break the silence, Castiel sunk down onto the couch as well and didn’t dare to glance at the Alpha, afraid to exasperate him further. After a couple of seconds Dean finally spoke up and his voice friendly: “You amaze me, Cas.”

The omega snapped his head toward the Alpha and noticed a faint smile dancing on Dean’s lips. This __certainly__ wasn’t what he expected. He didn’t think Dean would shout or throw insults, but __this__?

“I don’t understand,” he admitted.

“With all the crap you’ve been through it would be completely justifiable for you to focus on yourself,” Dean explained. No, that was an outrageous idea! Male Omegas had no right putting themselves first in any situation! The only way they could earn salvation was through prioritizing others! Before Castiel could protest, though, Dean continued: “And yet, here you are, cooking for me, cleaning my apartment... I guess anyone in your position would try to repay me, but you didn’t even try to __discuss__ it with me. You simply went out and started working, because…” Dean paused, searching for the correct word, “it didn’t sit well with you to only take and give nothing in return.”

At those last words Castiel’s heart skipped a beat. That’s __precisely__ what he thought earlier in the day.

Dean grinned mischievously, paying close attention to his reaction. “I hit the nail on the head, didn’t I?” he commented.

“I don’t...” Castiel faltered, still recovering from the surprise. “Dean, you’re not hammering anything.”

The carefree laughter he got in response confused him even more. However, his mind registered the essence of what Dean was saying: he always put other people’s needs in the first place. Male Omegas were supposed to do that anyway, but it didn’t extinguish Castiel’s satisfaction. He was following the righteous path, the one determined by God.

 

3.

 

“Okay.” Dean rubbed his palms together once he got all the laughter out of the system, looking quite excited. “Let’s do another movie night. Since you enjoyed ‘ _ _Stargate__ ’ so much, I figured I’ll show you one of my favorite movies.” The alpha got up from the couch, knelt in front of the TV and pulled one of the DVD boxes out, flashing the front cover to Castiel. A title at the top read ‘ _ _The Mummy__ ’ and below, taking most of the space available, was a creepy face made out of sand. Immediately uneasiness set in Castiel’s heart.

“It’s a bit scary,” Dean warned, pulling the disc out and inserting into the DVD player. “Seriously freaked me out when I saw it for the first time when I was seven. Dad took me for some family bonding time. Afterwards I refused to sleep with an open window for __weeks__.” He glanced back toward Castiel. “You’ll understand later, trust me.”

That didn’t sound reassuring, but Castiel wasn’t a pup anymore and the prospect of watching a horror movie wouldn’t put him off. Especially with Dean’s comforting presence by his side. “Is it violent?” he asked just to be sure. He’s heard about some scenes in horror movies he’d rather not see.

“I wouldn’t say...” Dean paused, thinking the question over. “No, I wouldn’t describe it as violent. It’s mostly a light adventure movie with some freaky scenes.” A warm smile brightened his face. “Don’t worry, if it turns out to be too much for you, we’ll pick something else.”

He plopped down next to Castiel and the springs under them jerked up in response. With a deep sigh Dean raised his feet up and rested them on top of the coffee table, wiggling his toes. Only when he caught the Omega’s shocked expression, did he pull them off and sit straight up.

“Shit, sorry,” he apologized quickly. “Forgot you cleaned in here.”

“No, that’s okay,” Castiel rushed to assure. In all actuality, the thought he shined that glass top earlier didn’t even cross his mind. “I was surprised by how... __causal__ you’re behaving in your own apartment. I wasn’t permitted to act like this in my childhood home and then, when I resided at the clergy house, we were supposed to always set an example, even in privacy, for God’s glory.”

Dean nodded. “There’s a lot of things that were done differently in your community,” he commented thoughtfully. The seriousness stuck to him for only a moment, a smile slowly returned on his face. “Now I’m going to be an example for you. Follow my steps.” And with that he plopped feet back on the coffee table.

Seconds passed as Dean stared at him expectantly, not saying anything, simply waiting. Hesitantly Castiel did the same, feeling a gnawing pressure in his stomach. If Mother or Father Joshua saw him right now－

But they made it explicitly clear that they were __done__ helping him out, so Castiel had to find a new way of living. Following Dean’s philosophies seemed like a smart choice. The Alpha proved to be a good person who cared about others. A worthy example indeed. Despite the fact that he apparently didn’t believe in God’s existence, which still bewildered the Omega.

When they were both settled, Dean let out a satisfied sigh. “I’ve been waiting for this the entire day,” he admitted.

“Resting at home?” Castiel guessed.

“That too. But mostly for hanging together.” Dean grabbed a DVD remote and turned the movie on. A logo of Universal Studio appeared on screen, which faded into a blinding sun, followed by bombastic music and a close up of sculpture with animal head. “You’re fun company, Cas. I can’t remember the last time someone made me laugh like you do.”

The movie continued, showing a horrific backstory of the titular mummy. Despite that the Omega relaxed into his seat, feeling a pleasant warmth melting inside his chest like a butter. ‘ _ _You’re a fun company, Cas.__ ’ Those words, thrown casually by Dean, echoed in his mind the whole time as they watched. Every once in a while he noticed the Alpha glancing at him, checking for his reaction to the story. As they reached the halfway point, he decided that he very much enjoyed the movie, although he wasn’t quite sure if it was due to the movie specifically or to Dean’s admission.

He was a ‘ _ _fun company__ ’ to have. Not a nuisance to get rid of as fast as possible, not a problem to be dealt with. A company Dean actively sought out, waited the entire day to return to.

 _ _Yes, this is certainly something I like about myself__ , Castiel decided as he rubbed his baby bump absentmindedly.

“I did as well,” he revealed. At Dean’s questioning stare he specified: “I hoped that we could perhaps spend another evening watching a movie together. There aren’t many ways for me to spend time during the day. That’s partially the reason why I started cleaning.”

“You can always watch something on your own,” Dean pointed out. “Or read any of my books. Or use my laptop since it’s just collecting dust in my bedroom. Have you used a computer before?”

Castiel scowled. “Why wouldn’t I have?” There was one at the church and from time to time he had to type public announcements for the churchgoers and help Father Joshua with the accounting. In this day and age it was simply __impractical__ to avoid computers.

Dean opened his mouth and closed it again, unsure what to say. Gently he shrugged his shoulders. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s just... the community you grew up in kinda comes across as really backwards to me. The idea that you would view computers as a source of evil simply fits the bill.”

From his behavior Castiel suspected that Dean was afraid of starting a new argument. The Omega begrudgingly agreed because he wasn’t far off. Mother and numerous churchgoers __did__ believe that modern technology, like TVs, video games and computers, led young people astray, which Castiel found misguided; according to a government report, the number of crimes were dropping each year. However, he kept this opinion to himself. It wasn’t his place to argue with those whose souls weren’t stained from birth.

“They __can__ compel many to commit sins,” he eventually declared. “But on their own, they’re tools to be used according to one’s morality. And yes, we used them fairly frequently.”

Relief was clear on Dean’s face that he had avoided angering Castiel.

“In that case, you can borrow my laptop anytime you want,” the Alpha repeated.

Castiel nodded and they settled back into watching the movie. About half an hour in the Omega agreed with Dean: it was very entertaining. And scary as well. Thankfully, Dean’s warmth right next to him provided enough courage for Castiel to continue.

 

4.

 

Raindrops pattered against the panoramic window and streamed down in a spider web of lines, blurring the view outside. From his place on the couch Castiel was merely able to see various colorful shapes signifying buildings, lights and cars. He wrapped the blanket tighter around his shoulders, feeling like the cold weather seeped under his clothes despite the central heat working properly and the hermetic architecture preventing wind from getting inside. Just looking at the rain gave him chills. To think that without Dean’s help he’d be on the streets right now...

A shiver ran down his spine and Castiel once again fixed the blanket, making sure that his feet were both covered as he sat cross-legged on the couch. Dean’s laptop hummed as it rested on his thighs, shining brightly. Thankfully, Dean hadn’t set a password because Cas forgot to ask him about it. He opened Google Chrome － he’ll need to get accustomed to handling the build-in touch mouse, it was __very__ awkward － and started searching new recipes.

Although he was a capable cook, he forgot most of the recipes in past few months and needed to refresh his memory. He had no intention of feeding Dean the exact same meals over and over again. The Alpha deserved better.

There were so many pages to choose from. Castiel clicked on the first one deciding to work his way down the results page. The moment it loaded, a commercial jumped out at Castiel, encouraging him to click on a link and promising a cure for lower back pain, getting the best available insurance and... huh, an online game collection with Sudoku grid visible among the presented options... He hadn’t played it in __months__.

No, he really shouldn’t. He was using the laptop up to read cooking recipes for __Dean__.

But... a short round of Sudoku wouldn’t hurt. Maybe fifteen minutes and then he’d return to the task at hand. Dean wouldn’t be back for three more hours, so he had plenty of time.

With a click he launched Sudoku, selecting the highest difficulty. It had been some time since he’d last played and he’d forgotten how hard these puzzles were. The Omega concentrated deeply until the last box was full, a sudden rush of satisfaction flooded him. A smile crossed his face as he picked a new grid... then another... and another...

“Cas?”

He __jumped__ in his seat with a yelp and nearly knocked the laptop into the floor, but grabbed it at the last moment before it took a plunge. Steadying himself, Castiel glanced back and his eyes widened in shock. Dean stood over him, back from work, and bit his lower lip in barely contained laughter.

“Dean!” Castiel choked out. “What are you doing home so soon?!”

“It’s half past eight,” Dean informed.

Panic squeezed Castiel’s chest in a steel clutch. Had he seriously spent __three hours__  playing a game when he was supposed to cook dinner? Slowly it dawned on him that the sky turned dark outside and the rain eased down. Yes, he __really__ did.

He quickly shut the laptop, clumsily untangled himself from the blanked and rushed to the kitchen as a cheerful laughter followed after him. This was __unacceptable__! “I’m so sorry, Dean!” he uttered, putting the apron on and tying it at the back. Only two weeks passed since he took on the cooking responsibilities and he was already messing up! “I don’t know where my sense of time went! I’ll prepare something shortly!”

Acting as his usual self, Dean gestured for him to calm down, which instead stressed Castiel further. If he stuck to his plan, they wouldn’t have end up in this situation to begin with! “Dude, you __seriously__ need to stop freaking out over such minor things.”

The scent emanating from the Alpha, strengthened by hours spent in thick layers of his suit, spoke of calm and relaxation. Castiel noticed no sign of disappointment in it, so he allowed the smell to sooth his nerves a bit.

The Omega started preparing the dinner in more controlled moves. Still, that didn’t mean he should just disregard this goof as nothing. “It’s not a minor thing,” he insisted as he pulled eggs and a sausage out of the fridge. “You have returned home after long day of work, hungry and tired. The dinner should be waiting for you by now.”

“I’ll live,” Dean dismissed, although his voice betrayed how tired he felt. Always willing to ignore the troubles Castiel was causing. “But the stress isn’t good for the pup.”

Castiel froze in the middle of cutting the sausage, struck by those words, and his mind immediately turned to the three bottles of pills prescribed by Dr. Moseley, currently resting on top of his nightstand. The pup was so weak and vulnerable already without him adding issues.

“You are correct,” Castiel agreed and resumed preparing the scrambled eggs. A dish more fitting for breakfast, but right now he preferred to fix something simple, so Dean wouldn’t be forced to wait longer.

Behind him Dean ventured out into the hallway to shed his outer wear, the jacket __swishing__  as he took it off and hanged up on the coat hanger. His dress shoes __thumping__  on the floor when he pulled them off with a relieved sigh. By the time he returned to the kitchen, Castiel had already fried the meat, added the eggs and seasoning. He watched carefully how the eggs coagulated to prevent it from drying too much, keeping it a little moist, as Dean pulled the plates and forks.

“You enjoy those types of games?” Dean asked suddenly.

Distracted, Castiel needed a second to comprehend what he was talking about. “Sudoku? Yes, I do,” he confirmed and split the properly cooked eggs onto the two plates, making sure Dean’s portion was larger. However, Dean grabbed the smaller serving and started eating it in the earnest where he stood next to the oven.

“I tried solving some in the past,” Dean admitted between bites, “but I can’t understand, for the love of me, how that puzzle works.”

Castiel sat at the table and ignored the steaming dish, for now, to watch embarrassment creeping up Dean’s face.

“It’s very simple,” he insisted. “You need to ensure there’s only one number of its kind in each column, row and the smaller squares.”

Dean chuckled. “Yeah, I get that. But __how__ do you do that?” He shook his head, collected another portion of scrambled eggs onto his fork and ate it with gusto. “I don’t know, man. You must be really smart to figure it out.”

This time it was Castiel who was overtaken by embarrassment. Nobody had ever described him as smart, quite the opposite. The Bible said that male Omegas needed to follow other’s example if they wished to achieve salvation, because they were morally weak and incapable of making righteous choices. It was logical to assume they also had limited intelligence, which Mother taught him at a young age. For Dean to say it so casually like it was an __obvious__  conclusion to reach...

No, he __wasn’t__  smart. “I’m just good at logical puzzles,” he insisted. In a moment of brilliance he added: “If you wish, I could show you how to play.”

“Really?” Dean grinned. “That would be awesome. But not today, I had enough numbers for the day.”

They finished the meal and headed to the living room to watch a new movie. As Dean searched through his DVD collection, Castiel realized that he found another point he liked about himself. A __fourth__ one.

How was that possible? He was able to come up with merely __three__  things he disliked about his own person and yet those assets just continued appearing in his mind. This was bothersome. A male Omega who boasted the way he did instead of remaining modest and focusing on his penance for being an unholy person, could only mean troubles to those around him.

He wasn’t able to enjoy the movie that night and went to bed with his confused, warring thoughts.

 

5.

 

As usual whenever Dean left for work, the apartment was quiet. Even the steady tapping of raindrops on the windows was absent; the sun had broken through the murky clouds on this Tuesday morning, filling the living room with pale light. It was only ten, way too early to start dinner preparations, and all the rooms were spotless after two days of cleaning. Having nothing better to do, Castiel sat on the couch, threw a thick blanket over his lap and pulled out the Bible to continue re-reading it.

He took a moment to appreciate the beautiful edition Dean had bought for him. Simple in design as any print of the Holy Book － people were supposed to admire God’s will written inside instead of focusing exclusively on the exterior － but the deep shade of blue and golden lettering on the front cover spoke of care the publisher took to prepare it. Showed unadulterated love for the content.

Relaxing into his seat, Castiel flipped the pages to find the spot he’d left at yesterday evening. The smell of new book and smoothness of the paper soothed his senses. There was something unique about holding a Bible and Castiel couldn’t get enough of that sensation. No matter how distraught he was, it always gave him comfort.

At last he found the correct passage and resumed reading:

 

“ _ _For the Lord gives wisdom; from His mouth come knowledge and understanding. He stores up sound wisdom for the upright; He is a shield to those who walk in integrity, guarding the paths to justice, and He preserved the way of His godly ones. Then you will discern righteousness and equity and every good course. For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul.__ ”

 

Such wonderful verse describing God’s generosity of blessing humanity with His teachings. All passages in the Bible were beautiful, even the parts describing punishment He’ll bestow on the sinners.

A flash of shame pricked Castiel in the heart. He was among those who broke God’s moral code and won’t avoid eternity in Hell where such filth as him belongs. However, it was his own fault he gave into his demonic nature and pleasure of body. The merciful Lord gave him an opportunity to earn eternal salvation despite his origins and he wasted it. As much as the truth pained him, it was undeniable and he understood that he brought damnation onto himself. He __won’t__ soil God’s name by cursing and attempting to shift the blame on him.

Paradoxically, the thought of being sent to Hell also provided Castiel small comfort. The world wasn’t chaotic, but operated in clear order. People who followed God’s word were blessed and rewarded, while the sinners were thrown into the darkest pits of Hell to suffer for evil they spread. That was God’s will. God could be merciless and show forgiveness at the same time.

Castiel put a hand on his round belly, willing the pup to kick. According to Dr. Moseley, it should start doing that anytime now, but he wasn’t able to feel it just yet. Still, he rubbed the little swell with fondness. Despite the pup’s origin being in sin, the baptism ceremony will cleanse its soul and allow it a fresh start in Christian teachings, surrounded by love and safety Castiel didn’t have.

He recalled another fragment in the Bible, one of his personal favorites, and recited it from memory, speaking each word out loud in hopes the pup would hear them: “ _ _But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit__.”God’s words were ingrained in his mind and he had no troubles remembering each of them. When he was down, struggling to accept the righteous suffering that was bestowed on him by others, he would find strength on those blessed pages. Slowly he committed every single paragraph to his mind and heart.

With a startled realization, Castiel added the fifth and final point to the list of things he liked about himself.

Deep shame overtook him and he raised the Bible to press his forehead against the thick cover, unsure what to do. He managed to come up with a list of five positive points, but not flaws. __Very__ _ _telling__ , wasn’t it? After everything he went through, the humiliation and pain that would teach a good person humbleness, he continued to think so highly of his own person. A good Christian forsakes their own weaknesses and works on improving them for God’s glory. No wonder Castiel gave into sin.

How hard it was to live by God’s will. Blessed be those who can.

 

***

 

“Good to see you again, Castiel,” Dr. Barnes greeted the moment he stepped inside her office on Wednesday afternoon. He faltered next to the coat rack, jacket and scarf in his arms, unsure how to respond. Automatically he glanced at her sunglasses. Realizing his confusion, Dr. Barnes chuckled. “Just a joke. Come on, sit down and let’s get started.”

He hanged his clothes up and walked over to the armchair opposite of Dr. Barnes’. When he sunk into the soft cushion, he once again took notice of the aloe vera scent permeating the air and the soothing effect it had on his nerves.

He was forced to cross several streets to get here, followed by stares from by standers; a __pregnant__ male Omega __parading around__  with his growing swell as if there was nothing for him to be ashamed of. He had kept his arms wrapped over his belly in a vain attempt to make it less visible, but even with thick jacket it was still clearly sticking out. He had hurried to Dr. Barnes’ office as fast as possible.

Although the aloe vera scent couldn’t completely calm his pounding heart, Castiel welcomed the comforting waves spreading through his body. The worst part was that his belly would keep growing with time and make his future trips to Dr. Barnes’ office even more difficult than they already were. He decided to not think about it now. If he became too stressed, it would seep into his scent and alarm Dr. Barnes, and lead to more questions... And he already had to answer questions he didn’t want to face.

A soft __click__ announced that Dr. Barnes turned the recorder on and officially started their second session. “Tell me, Castiel, how was your week? Did it pass peacefully?” she asked.

That wasn’t an opener Castiel expected and he needed a second to collect his thoughts: “For the most part. Dean and I had a spat, but we resolved it quickly.”

“I’ve heard about it.” At Castiel’s silent confusion, she explained: “Dean had called me on Friday evening for advice. Was he the one to apologize or...?”

“Yes,” Castiel rushed to assure. He didn’t want Dr. Barnes to think badly of Dean. “He returned home with a gift.” The memory of that moment when Dean silently passed him a plastic bag and he discovered the priceless contents, a proof of how much Dean cared for his feelings, was forever carved into his mind. Here was a faithless Alpha, the type of person Father Joshua held pure disdain for, giving him the holiest of books as an apology. Despite the fact that Castiel was in the wrong in his behavior. “A Bible,” Castiel clarified, his voice full of warm emotions.

For the briefest of moments he wanted to turn down the gift, even opened his mouth to do so, but couldn’t get the words out. Holding God’s words in his hands meant too much for him. He was weak and that’s why he accepted it instead.

In return he heard a short “Oh,” from Dr. Barnes. “That’s curious,” she added and leaned a chin on her left palm, elbow propped up on the seat’s arm, as if she pondered Dean’s choice. Before Castiel had an opportunity to ask why she deemed that curious, she continued: “Did you like that gift?”

A chuckle reverberated in Castiel’s throat. That wasn’t even a question!

“Yes, very much,” he confirmed nevertheless.

“I’m glad,” Dr. Barnes admitted and actually __sounded__ like she was. Back in his old neighborhood it was unprecedented for Castiel to have anyone happy for him and after moving into Dean’s place he had just kept meeting people who did. “Now, did you manage to think about the little homework I gave you in the past week? Because I’m real curious to hear what you came up with.”

So quickly, they had reached the part of their session he dreaded the most. Yes, he thought a lot on the subject in a vain attempt to comprise the list of five flaws he disliked about himself and __failed__ , having reached only three. All while he quickly found five positive things he liked. There was a crushing pressure on his insides. __Arrogant__ , __prideful__  male Omega with no shred of modesty.

And now, as he stared at Dr. Barnes’ politely curious expression, he had a choice: either admit to how highly he perceived his own person or hide it. There was no good way out of this situation － lying was also condemned by God － but the latter showed that, in the very least, Castiel understood where the problem lied and wanted to work on improving it.

“Why don’t you start with the good points?” Dr. Barnes requested.

Castiel’s heart sped up at the realization what he was about to do. Still, he stated: “I wasn’t able to figure out any.”

Doubt flashed through Dr. Barnes’ face and she leaned her head to the side as if she was eyeing him suspiciously. Of course, she didn’t. “Really?” Her voice was underlined with skepticism. She knew he was lying.

“Yes,” Castiel assured, putting more conviction into his words.

The silence stretched between them and Castiel was afraid that Dr. Barnes could hear the rapid beating of his heart. He felt sweat prickling on top of his skin. Dear Lord, she __definitely__ could smell nervousness in his scent.

“Why do you feel the need to lie, Castiel?” Dr. Barnes challenged.

“I’m not,” Castiel insisted.

“Alright.” Dr. Barnes leaned in the armchair and turned the recorder off, much to his confusion. “I don't see how we can make any progress when refuse to be honest, Castiel. Maybe we should cut today’s meeting short and try again next week if you feel uncomfortable talking.”

His mind went numb and his heart slowed down at the implication of her words. “W-what?” he choked out.

“As I said during out first session, this therapy will only give results when you’re __honest__ with me,” Dr. Barnes reminded. “There’s no point in continuing if you decide to lie.”

Panic crept up Castiel’s spine like a poisonous spider, bringing a chilly sensation in its wake. How was he supposed to return to the apartment and face Dean, having to tell him that Dr. Barnes deemed him too difficult to work with and ended their session? An image appeared in his mind, so clear he almost saw it before his eyes: disappointment washing over Dean’s features, darkening his eyes and turning his lips into a tight line when at last he had to accept the bitter truth everyone else realized long ago. Castiel was a failure and trying to help him was an utter waste of time.

Then Dean would turn his face away, unable to even look at Castiel in disgust － the same motion Father Joshua repeated on countless occasions － and would order him to leave at once, because he lost patience for dealing with the endless array of problems Castiel brings.

“Wait!” he cried out and run out of breath. He tried again, but found himself unable to get a word through his suddenly tight throat, his breathing became harder. In the brief instant he had glanced at Dr. Barnes, he noticed her expression turning into open worry. A worry he __didn’t deserve__.

He couldn’t stand it, so he braced elbows on his knees and hid his face in both palms as he struggled to even his breathing. Each time he inhaled, air seemed to turn into a solid object that barely managed to squeezedown his nostrils and into his __heavy__ lungs; they felt almost like someone had replaced them with two burning stones.

__Failure. Worthless. Can’t do anything right._ _

Mother’s voice echoed in his mind over and over again, reminding him of the harsh reality he constantly tried to run away from. So many people showed him kindness and attempted to help him out, only for Castiel to disappoint every single one of them. The only things he was truly good at.

__Whore. Evil incarnated. Spreading filth around the world._ _

How he __begged__ those Alphas to fuck him, pushing his leaking asshole out and promising to make them feel good when he only cared to make __himself__ feel good. And in the process he got pregnant with this wretched pup. __Disgusting__!

A gentle hand pressed on his shoulder made him jolt, snapping him back into reality. Dr. Barnes’ voice came from his left, stern but warm: “Castiel, don’t think about anything. Just focus on my voice and follow my instructions, alright?”

Yes, that was what he wanted from the beginning! For Dr. Barnes to tell him exactly how he should behave and what he should think. Not having to make his own choices was safe, it meant he wouldn’t be able to screw up. He learned his lesson. He __did__. Maybe with Dr. Barnes’ control, his life would stop being the mess he turned it into.

With frantic nod he agreed to Dr. Barnes’ words, only to remember that she couldn’t see it. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. His throat was nearly closed and he could barely catch a breath.

Thankfully, Dr. Barnes understood, maybe felt his body shaking while he nodded and made correct assumption. “Lean forward,” she instructed, pushing on his shoulder with the same gentleness as before. He obediently bent down and pressed his chest to his thighs, wrapping both hands around his knees. He had to spread his legs to make room for the pup bump. Through the haze covering his eyes, Castiel stared at the white, fluffy carpet. In the corner of his vision were Dr. Barnes’ knees. Strangely enough, this new position allowed him to breathe a little easier, although still away from norm.

“Now, inhale as much as you can,” Dr. Barnes requested and Castiel did so, “keep it for a moment... and exhale.” He let the air out, producing a __whiz__. He repeated those actions, guided patiently by Dr. Barnes, numerous times.

How long they remained like this, he didn’t know. He tried not to think about anything, but felt Mother’s voice raging at the back of his mind, once in a while managing to get a word out. __Parasite__. Breath caught in his throat and Castiel had to inhale harder to get it inside the lungs. __Whore.__  It didn’t matter what he had actually done to deserve Mother’s scorn. There was always something to chastise him for. He knew those words to be true, but the burning sensation in his chest forced him to completely ignore them or he risked suffocating.

It took time and work, but eventually his breathing returned to normal and the fire in his lungs extinguished. Castiel straightened up and leaned into the cushions of armchair, which felt softer than before. He was worn out, almost as much as when he told Dean everything on that faithful Sunday. Fear and nervousness disappeared, leaving him hollow. Only one sensation remained: shame.

Dr. Barnes remained kneeling by his side for a moment longer. “How are you feeling?” she asked.

“Tired...” Castiel admitted weakly. He couldn’t force himself to meet her eyes, even though she couldn’t see. This was the second time had had an attack like that in front of another person and caused them worry. Try as he might, he never stopped adding to other people’s problems.

All because he attempted to hide the truth.

“I apologize... for lying...” Castiel said. “I __did__ come up with five positive things...”

“Why were you trying to hide it, then?” Dr. Barnes questioned. There was no hint of accusation in her voice, only polite curiosity he didn’t deserve. She should be shouting, throwing insults at Castiel, chasing him away.

“Because... I’m __arrogant,__ ” he spat the word out like a toxin. “I completed the list of positive things without much hassle, but when it came to the negative ones... I couldn’t get past three. So __arrogant__. And I don’t want to be. That’s why...” His voice refused to work again. He closed his eyes briefly and took a deep breath, not wanting to fall back into the overwhelming panic he just got out of.

Sighing, Dr. Barnes stood up from the ground, brushed her jeans of any dirt that got stuck to them and returned to her armchair, stomping loudly in her high-heels. A soft __click__ informed Castiel that she has turned the recorder back on.

“Castiel,” she started, sounding as if she carefully weighed each word before letting it out, “if you believe there is any problem with your attitude, we can work on it. That’s the purpose of our meetings, remember? Resolving problems you have. But you need to be __honest__. Whatever you tell me, I won’t scream at your over it.”

Doubt squeezed Castiel’s heart in a weak grip, his emotions still affected by the attack from a moment ago. Dr. Barnes wouldn’t be this understanding if she knew all the awful sins he had committed and how he deserved the scorn she would pass on him.

Then again, Dean had heard the entire truth and he remained kind toward Castiel.

“Treat the therapy as a safe time during which you can say anything, alright?” Dr. Barnes requested.

“Yes,” Castiel agreed, idly brushing a hand over his round belly. He went a long way to survive for the pup’s sake and there was no point in turning back now. He needed to remain sane for its sake.

And for Dean, the sweet Alpha who took great joy in spending time with Castiel. A pleasant warmth pushed through the numbness in his chest and enveloped his heart in a protective bubble, chasing away the doubt. Yes, he could make this therapy successful and improve his behavior, perhaps become a worthy member of the society.

Dean...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, enjoy this last chapter of peace before things will go to hell. And I mean, one after another.


	13. "I love you"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who wanted to see angst, here it goes.
> 
> Big thanks to MrsDeanWinchester87 for editing this chapter.

As November drew to a close and the days became even chillier, Castiel and Dean developed a comfortable routine. At least comfortable to Castiel, but Dean seemed to appreciate it, too.

Each work day morning Dean would wake up punctually at six o’clock to an alarm blaring on his cell phone － the sound of __ship siren__ , the only thing capable of interrupting his sleep － and would immediately start getting ready to leave. He would grumble, which was accompanied by the sounds of closet doors closing, heavy footsteps and the occasional thump when he bumped into something in his still not-fully-conscious-yet stupor. All that would bring Castiel out of his own sleep. Due to the strict schedule instilled in him during his time as a servant of Lord, Castiel never remained in bed for long. And while Dean was busy taking a shower, he would venture downstairs to prepare a breakfast and brew fresh coffee, feeling much more energetic than the Alpha. After a quick meal, Castiel would be left alone and spend next several hours either cleaning the apartment or, if it was already spotless, search for new recipes. During short breaks he’d re-read the Bible. Around five or six o’clock, depending how much time was required, he’d start preparing a dinner. Once Dean returned from work, they’d eat together and then watch a new movie. Sometimes, though, Dean was too exhausted and headed to bed early, much to Castiel’s disappointment, but he refused to voice it out loud.

On Sundays the routine differed. Dean always slept until nine o’clock in the morning, making up for the early waking hours during the rest of the week. And instead of heading to work he’d hang out with Castiel for the entire day. They watched movies or talked, and Castiel once explained to Dean how to solve Sudoku puzzle — although he was still only capable of doing it on medium difficulty.

As Thanksgiving approached, Castiel expected Dean to inform him that he’d have to spend the extended weekend completely alone in the apartment while Dean headed to his home town to celebrate with his family. However, that didn’t happen. Instead it turned out that on Thanksgiving the hospital where Sam Winchester worked was always short on staff, so every year he volunteered to take the shift during those four days and Dean remained in Ohio to have dinner with him and Dr. Barnes. When Castiel asked if their parents wouldn’t feel alone, Dean assured that they always celebrated the holiday at their friends’ house along with a local priest, putting his doubts to rest.

In preparations for Thanksgiving dinner, Dean convinced Castiel to head out to the mall once again. Castiel didn’t want to go, weekly ventures to Dr. Barnes’ office proved to be stressful enough. However, he couldn’t find it in himself to turn Dean down when he wore that soft smile and spoke in that warm voice, which made Castiel feel as if he was able to move mountains. And so he returned to the mall, trying to ignore the scornful stares he sensed from other visitors. With Dean by his side, it was surprisingly easy to do.

 _ _Everything__ seemed easier in Dean’s comforting presence.

On Thanksgiving, Sam Winchester came to their apartment at 4PM after his shift, cheerful and kind as always. Unfortunately, it turned out that Dr. Barnes hadn’t accompanied him due to Castiel’s presence; she believed that meeting outside of their session could affect the results of his therapy. Before Castiel could feel guilty about it, Dean explained to him that after the three of them ate, he and Sam would drive to Sam’s flat in order to spend some time with Dr. Barnes as well. All of his protests － that he wasn’t their family and they had no obligations to making compromises for his sake － fell on deaf ears and Winchester brothers sat at the dining table in the kitchen to taste food he had prepared.

The roasted turkey prompted a lot of praise, as did the sweet potato and green bean casseroles. However, it was the pumpkin pie that caused the most ruckus as Dean __engulffed__ nearly entire dish by himself before stopping and sheepishly pushing two remaining slices toward Sam and Castiel. After they were done eating, the three of them sat for an hour to talk about hobbies and plans for the future, since work-related topics were forbidden by Sam. Which he stated out loud, giving Dean a hard stare. Castiel found out that Sam was interested in mythology and legends, having assembled a large collection of books, movies and magazines about various creatures, unexplained events, etc. Castiel wanted to know more, but Dean and Sam had to head out to spend some time with Dr. Barnes, so the conversation was cut short. Sam promised to drop by in the future and continue it, though.

The torments that haunted Castiel throughout past few months seemed to be finally gone.

And he should have known better than to expect this peaceful routine to last. He should have __known__ by now that nothing good ever lasted in his life.

 

***

 

It was the last Thursday of November, nearing 6PM, and Castiel steadily chopped vegetables at the kitchen counter, knife thudding steadily against the wooden cutting board, when the doorbell blared from the entrance. Castiel snapped his head toward the sound, but remained frozen in place, unsure how to react. This had __never__ happened before. Aside from Sam, nobody has visited Dean as long as Castiel lived here. Were they expecting him to be back home for some odd reason? Maybe Dean arranged for a meeting and planned to leave work earlier, but didn’t make it in time? Should Castiel open the door? How would the person outside react to his presence, a __pregnant male__ Omega living with an unmated － even if invested in a serious relationship － Alpha?

Then he remembered Sam’s promise to visit one evening to continue their fascinating conversations about various mythologies and legends.

The next ring of doorbell snapped Castiel out of the uncertainty. He laid down the knife and wiped his vegetable-juice-covered hands on his apron as he headed to the front door, heart racing. He held his breath and tried to steady his racing heart before he opened the door.

He was greeted by a bright smile and it took him a second to realize the visitor wasn’t Sam. “Lisa,” he said instead of greeting. Remembering his manners, he added: “Welcome.”

“Hi, Castiel,” Lisa responded. She was dressed in a form-fitting jacket trimmed with fur, black beanie, form-fitting jeans, and pair of leather shoes on a flat heel. The only thing that spoiled her elegant look was an ordinary gym bag hanging from her shoulder. “Hope I’m not intruding, but I thought I’d drop by for a visit.”

Bewilderment filled Castiel’s mind that Lisa was worried about __bothering__ him. She was Dean’s future mate, she had more right to be here than Castiel had!

“Not at all,” he rushed to assure. “Please, come in.”

He stepped aside to let her pass. Lisa paused on the doormat to wipe the soles of her shoes, even though it was a rare day without rain, they appeared clean. As Lisa slowly untangled herself from her outer wear, Castiel noted that her natural aroma of chocolate and strawberries smelled particularly intense.

“Please excuse that fact that I look a mess today,” Lisa said with an embarrassed smile, pointing at her perfect hair and perfect make-up. “I just finished my yoga classes.”

Debating whenever it was too bold of him to comment on Lisa’s appearance and assure her there was nothing wrong about it, Castiel asked: “You attend yoga classes?”

Lisa chuckled. “No, I’m __teaching__ them. I have been for five years now.”

“Oh,” was all Castiel could manage at the moment. Everyone around him seemed to hold a steady job and led a responsible, independent life. Only he acted like a parasite, depending on others － currently Dean － to survive.

That was the part he discussed in great detail with Dr. Barnes a week earlier while going through the worryingly short list of flaws he compiled. One of the solutions proposed by Dr. Barnes was for Castiel to find a job and earn money to contribute to the bills. He knew this to be a logical action to take, but... the thought of spending __hours__ each day in other people’s company, __parading__ around with his swollen belly caused Castiel to immediately turn it down. No, he couldn’t do it. Everyone was safer with him locked in four walls the entire time.

The next solution, which Castiel was more fond of, was for Dean to bring some simple assignments from work and let Castiel take care of them. He discussed it with Dean on the same evening. At first Dean insisted that Castiel didn’t have to do more than he already did and should focus on resting for the pup’s sake. In the end Castiel persuaded him to give it a try and Dean was supposed to think of some tasks he could share with Castiel.

Realizing that his response to Lisa’s words was inadequate, Castiel continued: “I hope you find this job fulfilling.”

Lisa drew her eyebrows in contemplation before answering. “More or less,” she admitted. “It gives me a nice shot of endorphin on daily bases, but it’s not particularly demanding on intellectual level. Let’s not talk about my work, though.” She dismisses the subject with a wave of a hand. “How are __you__ doing, Castiel?”

After nearly three weeks the scars marring his face were completely healed and impossible to see if you weren’t purposefully searching for them. __Thank the Lord__. Castiel didn’t want to trouble Lisa with his own problems. It was bad enough that he dragged Dean into them.

“I’m well,” he assured. “Actually, right now I’m preparing dinner if you’d like to join me.”

He led Lisa to the kitchen and resumed chopping the vegetables. Much to his shock, Lisa rolled up the sleeves of her sweater and looked around. “How can I help?”

“Y-you’re a guest!” Castiel pointed out. “It would be __impolite__ to get you involved in doing housework!”

“I told you, I’m pumped with endorphin,” Lisa reminded. “I need to spend all that energy somehow.”

Eventually, Castiel relented and hesitantly agreed on her overlooking the dill sauce he was preparing. They worked efficiently together, preparing salad, baked potatoes and meat balls. The pleasant mixture of smells filled the kitchen in no time and Castiel found himself relaxing in the nice company.

At one point Castiel noticed Lisa glancing discreetly toward his growing belly. He moved arms tighter around his waists to cover it up. Although he didn’t fear Lisa saying anything crude, he still was very nervous whenever people paid attention to the visible proof of his unforgivable sin.

“Have you chosen the name, yet?” Lisa asked.

Castiel paused with a half-formed meatball in hand and looked at Lisa, noticing a polite curiosity on her face. Slowly a chilly sensation washed over him as the meaning of her words fully set in. “I’m not keeping it,” he informed matter-of-factly and returned to work.

A second passed before Lisa found her voice again: “Are you sure?”

“Yes.” His tone left no room for discussion. Thankfully, Lisa didn’t insist on pursuing the subject and they resumed dinner preparation. But the comforting atmosphere from earlier disappeared, replaced by tense silence and Lisa’s scent was polluted by stench of vinegar. Part of Castiel was ashamed for treating Lisa that way. She went to all the trouble of paying him and Dean a visit, and he caused her to feel uncomfortable in her mate’s apartment.

The other part of him, however, wished to abandon the discussion regarding his pup’s future as fast as possible, even at the cost of being rude. This __wretched thing__ , the fruit of his sin, pushed him to committing more heinous offenses to keep it alive this whole time. He wanted to be __rid of it__  and then pretend those terrible nine months never occurred.

Of course, that wouldn’t be plausible. Castiel’s life changed irreversibly the moment he became pregnant and was banished from his old community, his childhood home and the church he served in for two years. There was no chance for him to return to any of it. He wouldn’t __dare__  show his face in front of Mother or Father Joshua again regardless. Then what did the pup’s birth mean for him? Where would his life move afterwards?

The future remained unknown, a black veil that spread over his mind whenever he tried to look into it. The only things clearly noticeable under it were those thoughts that haunted Castiel. The thoughts about what he should do to prevent innocent souls from succumbing to his poisonous nature.

“Castiel, is everything alright?” Lisa’s voice snapped him back to reality. “Maybe you’d like to rest?”

It appeared that some of his emotions seeped into his scent, alarming Lisa in the process. He should focus on the task at hand instead of letting his mind wander like that.

“No, I’m good,” Castiel assured, and to give it more strength, he smiled shyly. “Please, don’t worry. If I become too tired, I’ll leave to my bedroom.”

As he set the last formed meatball on the chopping board and turned to wash his hands, he realized what he just said. ‘ _ _My bedroom__ ’. No, it was only his for several more months. In the future Dean and Lisa would most likely convert it into their pups’ bedroom, unless they chose to move somewhere else altogether. Castiel shouldn’t behave or even __think__ like he was here to stay permanently.

Lisa slowly attempted to engage Castiel in conversations on various light subjects. She asked him for tips on how to become a better cook, wishing to developed her own skills. Then, prompted by Castiel, she described what yoga classes looked like and told several amusing stories related to her work. By the time half past eight struck and the dinner was ready to be served, they were both relaxed once more. That’s how Dean found them when he stepped inside the kitchen, already having shed his outer wear and carrying a leather bag.

“Lisa!” he exclaimed in surprise. “Sweetheart, what are you doing here?”

In a short stride Lisa walked over to Dean. “I planned to rob you, but with a witness around I had to abandon the idea,” she joked, earning a grin from her boyfriend, then planted a quick peck on his cheek.

“Oh, so you’re only dating me for money.”

“Yep. And you were naive enough to fall for it.”

Castiel’s heart swelled, allowing him to breathe fuller, at such touching display of affection between two people in love. Only he was out of place in their own road to happiness, spoiling the perfect picture like a stain that won’t go away.

He never witnessed his parents interacting in this manner. What little he could recall of Father from his youth, back when he still attended preschool and wasn’t weighted down by the shame of being a male Omega, mirrored Mother’s behavior toward him after he presented. Father appeared embarrassed of how his life turned out, rarely talking to his sons, silently attending Sunday masses with them and disappearing at any opportunity. Usually for business trips. He and Mother were overly official in their interaction, more like co-workers than a mated couple.

Then one day he simply walked out of their home for work and never returned. They had no plausible explanation for why he left, until Castiel presented and Mother understood that Father had realized his youngest son’s gender before anyone else, and left out of shame. That was the harsh truth. Even at barely six years old Castiel caused his family pain.

Dean put the leather bag he was carrying on top of the dining table and addressed Lisa: “Are you going to stay for dinner?”

“No,” she replied, shaking her head. “I’ll eat something on my way home.”

“There’s enough food for three servings,” Castiel rushed to assure. He didn’t discourage her from staying with his cold demeanor, did he? __Dear Lord__ , merely a week ago he promised himself that he won’t behave that way again and yet he made Lisa feel unwelcomed in her own mate’s apartment!

“I only dropped by to check on you, Castiel,” Lisa explained. “I still need to visit my sister to discuss Christmas preparation. It’s getting closer and closer.”

A sharp inhale resounded through the kitchen when Dean smacked a palm against his forehead. A few days earlier Castiel saw him do that gesture and learned it was called face-planting or something like that. “Christmas...” Dean groaned.

“Don’t tell me you forgot about it,” Lisa commented.

The pained stare was the only response she received from Dean.

“In that case, you still have three more weeks to buy the gifts,” Lisa proclaimed, chuckling. On her way out of the kitchen she swirled around to look at Castiel. “It was nice catching up. I’ll see you soon. You, too,” she added, patting Dean on the shoulder. With that she ventured to the hallway and Dean followed after her.

Relieved that he wasn’t the cause of Lisa’s hurried departure － not that it excused his rude behavior from earlier － Castiel resumed dinner preparations and pulled two dishes out of the cupboard to split the prepared food between him and Dean. Hushed voices from the front entrance reached his ears, but he couldn’t understand specific words and had no intention of eavesdropping, so he focused on his work.

The moment he put both dishes on the table, he heard the front door open and close, then saw Dean returning to the kitchen, alone. For some odd reason he appeared __troubled__ or maybe Castiel just imagined it, because Dean brightened up at the view of their meal. “Smells great,” the Alpha complimented and rubbed his palms together. “Let’s dig in.”

Castiel wasn’t quite sure if Dean was suggesting they abandon the dinner to go out and dig somewhere instead, but it was probably another expression he wasn’t accustomed with and would only make a fool out of himself by commenting on it; he’d check later online what it meant. He sat at the table while Dean slumped on the chair across from him as usual. The first bite proved that the meatballs were properly soaked in dill sauce, which made them moist and delicious. Dean’s moan confirmed his own enjoyment.

“Jesus, you make me act like a pup with your meals,” Dean snickered, chewing resolutely.

Warmth of embarrassment spread under Castiel’s skin and he had to pause before swallowing, afraid that he would choke. Dean always flustered him at the most unexpected of times.

However, that wasn’t what he focused on when he responded: “You frequently bring the Lord’s name up in conversations.” He started noticing it after Dean revealed to be an atheist.

Dean paused with fork cutting a meatball in half, staring at him wearily. “Are you angry that I use it in vain?” he asked.

“No, that’s not what piqued my interest.” Although he has read the Bible countless times and knew the rules set by God, he read that specific part as meaning that you shouldn’t __disrespect__ His name. In other words, speaking it as an insult and as if it meant nothing. Dean hadn’t done that. He always used it to emphasize how much he enjoyed certain things - movies, pies, Castiel’s cooking － which was as positive as you could get, effectively __praising__ God for the wonderful objects He blessed the world with. That’s why it was so curious to Castiel. Father Joshua probably would disagree and scold him for such ridiculous ideas, though. “You claim to not believe in God, yet He’s constantly on our mouth. Why?”

A glimmer of anticipation shined in his heart. To Castiel it meant only one possibility: that Dean hadn’t completely given up on the Lord and deep longing natural to all people still pulled him toward the righteous path. He couldn’t __imagine__ a life without his faith. It would be an empty, hopeless existence for sure.

Much to his bewilderment Dean shrugged like that wasn’t a big deal Castiel perceived it as. “Guess it’s a force of habit. I __did__ believe in God for most of my life. Don’t read into it.”

“Yet you continue celebrating His Son’s birth,” Castiel insisted.

“I celebrate my family.” Dean paused eating again and stared at Castiel who furrowed his brows. “My parents live hundreds of miles away, back in my home town. Sam and Pam live an hour away, and I still don’t have time see them. Christmas is the only opportunity I have to meet all of them throughout the year.” Pure sadness sounded in his voice, choking the anticipation in Castiel’s heart. And to think that he tried to use it merely as excuse to return Dean to God! He didn’t pause to consider what Christmas actually meant for the Alpha.

The unpleasant sensation was followed by choking sadness. In a matter of three weeks Dean would join his family for several days to celebrate the holidays, probably taking Lisa along, and leaving Castiel alone in this apartment. He shouldn’t complain as it was a comfortable place to stay in, but no amount of luxuries would replace Dean’s presence. Just that easy smile Dean carried around was enough to chase away the darkness seeping into Castiel’s mind whenever he was alone.

 _ _Selfish.__  Here Dean was sharing hardiness of his family life and in response Castiel focused exclusively on his own feelings. How typical for a male Omega. Always putting themselves before everyone else. __Self-centered, insatiable__ –

“You can join us,” Dean offered.

With shock in his eyes, Castiel stared at the Alpha. “D-Dean... Christmas is meant to be spent with family,” he reminded.

“Come on, Cas. I won’t have you stuck here completely by yourself for a week. And you know I don’t care about you being an Omega,” he added quickly, seeing Castiel attempt to speak.

Having his strongest counterargument casually brushed off like Dean was flicking away a speck of dust, Castiel closed his mouth back again and silently resumed eating. The delicious meal helped to ease down his nervousness. The prospect of meeting Dean’s entire family, including his parents who raised him to be the wonderful man he was, proved to be both exciting and stressful. What if his poisonous influence causes them harm? Maybe Dean’s father was an Alpha and would become infatuated with Castiel, leading to split between him and Dean’s mother?

“Are you sure it’s safe?” Castiel questioned. He should have turned Dean’s proposition down without discussing it, but he was weak, __so__   _ _weak__ , and wished to be a part of that family even for a couple of days.

Dean sized Castiel up with those green eyes that were reminiscent of Father Joshua’s garden, a beautiful lush Castiel could watch for hours. However, for the first time since they met Dean looked hesitant.

“Yeah, I’m sure,” he answered eventually and smiled brightly to cover previous uncertainty.

And Castiel chose to believe him, despite all the warning signs.

 

***

 

On Saturday afternoon a rainstorm broke through. Gale winds shook the panoramic window and sent showers of droplets smashing against it, covering the thick glass in a blurry veil that prevented Castiel from seeing anything outside. Every now and then the rain would ease down, turning into a drizzle, but soon it always returned to its full power. The unsettling weather muffled normal sounds Castiel grew accustomed to over the past four weeks, like cars driving on the streets below and neighbors talking in the apartment above. Now all of them were absent, giving Castiel a sensation that he was stuck in a bubble far away from any human presence in remote location. Alone and lost.

 _ _This__ is what Christmas would look like to Castiel if Dean hadn’t invited him for the visit to his family, only the shower of rain isolating him from people would be replaced by the icy snow. Over the course of two days Castiel grew to appreciate Dean’s offer more and more. He was selfish － there was no denying it and he felt shame burning inside him － but he didn’t want to be left behind and forgotten about during this one holiday when people gathered around to celebrate God and family ties.

Forgotten and beyond hope.

It scared him more than anything, even his own sinful nature.

By the time 4PM came around, when Dean was bound to leave the Sandover building, the rain was at its strongest, shaking the windows as if trying to break inside. Castiel stood next to the heated oven, two seasoned chicken cutlets sizzling on the pan and potatoes boiling steadily in salted water, and stared into the living room over the kitchen counter. He didn’t even want to __consider__ what it would feel like to be on the streets right now. Thankfully, Dean drove to work in the Impala, so he wouldn’t be exposed to the merciless rain for long.

Half an hour later he discovered that it didn’t mean much, because the normal sounds accompanying Dean’s return － keys scraping in the lock and front door opening － were followed by a __bang__ when the same door was swung shut. Castiel jolted in place, his spine going rigid and heart speeding up as the nagging thought at the back of his mind informed that he somehow angered Dean. __Impossible__ , he figured, but remained wary as he rushed out to the hallway.

The view that greeted him chased away the fear and replaced it with sympathy. Dean was __soaked__ head to toeas if someone poured a bucket of water over him; the expensive suit and shirt clung to his skin, hair laid flat and in disarray. Under Castiel’s watch several droplets fell from Dean’s clothes and landed on the floorboards. The air became saturated with the smell of petrichor.

“Dean,” Castiel started sympathetically “I’m sorry you got caught in this rain－”

“It’s not that,” Dean interrupted, barely holding back rage. He outstretched his left arm and showed him a black umbrella, folded and wet on both sides. “While I was walking from the parking lot to the building, some __asshole__  drove past me at full speed through a huge puddle.”

Various emotions fought for dominance inside Castiel and eventually the amusement won, causing him to snort. He didn’t want to laugh at Dean’s misery, but... __Dear Lord__! He covered his mouth to hold back a chuckle that wanted to follow.

Dean watched him silently for a moment, taking notice of how much his shoulder shook in silent laughter. “Cas, I realize what happened was funny in theory,” he admitted in tired voice “but I’m not yet in a place where I can laugh about it.”

“I apologize,” Castiel said, swallowing back amusement. After a deep breath he was ready to help. “Please, take your clothes off. You’re going to catch a cold.” He walked past Dean as the Alpha removed his jacket and let it fall on the floor with a loud __squelch__. In the downstairs bathroom he pulled a large, fluffy towel from a cabinet and returned to the hallway. He hardly took notice of a jacket, entire suit, dress shirt, tie, shoes and socks laying on the ground in a bundle before he caught the sight of Dean and froze in place.

The Alpha was nearly naked save for a pair of black boxers, which were completely soaked as well and stuck tightly to his body, outlining the shape of his buttocks, tights and... __Jesus Christ__.

Immediately Castiel snapped his head up, though that __view__ was already being etched deep into his memory. He watched transfixed at the play of firm muscles under Dean’s skin when the Alpha turned back toward him and showed his hardened nipples, red and smaller than Castiel’s, yet they were more noticeable to him for whatever reason. He raised his eyes even higher and met a relieved smile Dean gave him.

“Thanks, Cas,” the Alpha sighed out, taking the towel from Castiel. First, he thoroughly dried his hair, then moved down his muscular body, wiping the water of his chest, back and strong thighs lightly covered in hair, utterly unaware of how close attention Castiel paid to his every movement. An odd heat appeared in Castiel’s abdomen, slightly below where the pup was growing, which then rose up and enveloped tightly his heart. He has never experienced anything like this.  All he was able to do at the moment was to stand in place and watch Dean dry himself off, something that gave him strange satisfaction. Maybe because he helped the Alpha?

Once Dean toweled his feet off, he straightened up and stared down at his bare body. His natural scent was more potent due to thorough rubbing and it filled Castiel’s nostrils.

“I’m going to hit a shower,” Dean decided. “Start eating without me.”

Instead of pondering why Dean chose to vent his frustration by wrecking the shower, Castiel assured, “It’s alright, I’ll wait for you,” finding his throat dry all of a sudden.

Dean nodded in agreement and headed upstairs. Unable to look away, Castiel watched his buttocks and thighs moving rhythmically until he vanished from his view.

The faint sound of water splashing around when Dean turned the shower on slowly unfroze Castiel from the petrified state he found himself in. Still dazed, he walked back to the kitchen and sat down at the dining table, staring blankly into space. He pressed his right hand to his heated heart. What was that sensation filling him right now? Just this pleasant warmth radiating through his chest and abdomen. It made him want to head upstairs and __embrace__ Dean, __bury__ his nose in the Alpha’s neck to __inhale__ his aroma of musk and leather and keep brushing his hand up and down Dean’s bare back, __feel out__ for every muscle that moved so gracefully under his skin...

For a moment fear flushed through the warmth in his heart as he remembered those three days with the four Alphas he seduced and that __burning__ desire that overtook him, but quickly dismissed it. No, what he felt right now was __nothing__ like that horrible sensation. It was more subdued and allowed him to think clearly. Also, he didn’t care to be penetrated by an Alpha －  _ _thank God__  － but simply wished to be close to Dean. Almost like an invisible hook was pulling him toward Dean.

He shook his head, lost for ideas. Whatever it was, it didn’t appear threatening, so he enjoyed the sensation while waiting for Dean to return downstairs.

Ten minutes later footsteps resounded in the hallway upstairs and Castiel saw Dean climbing down the stairs, dressed in a pair of comfortable sweatpants and loose t-shirt. He still looked mesmerizing and Castiel felt another yank in his heart, which demanded he embrace the Alpha. Instead he waited for Dean to sit down opposite of him and they started eating the dinner: chicken cutlets, mashed potatoes and cucumber salad. In between bites Castiel asked Dean about his day at work. Thankfully, it was free of stressful situations and Dean spent most of the time preparing reports in the comfort of his office. Despite being obviously tired, Dean brightened up while talking to Castiel. __He’s looking forward to spending time with me,__ Castiel remembered his earlier admission. He watched Dean’s movements, not for the first time taking notice of how he seemed to smile with his whole face instead of just the lips, his eyes outright __flashing__ whenever he glanced toward Castiel.

The pleasant warmth only appeared to spread further around his body as they continued talking.

It took them longer than usual to finish dinner, but nearly twenty minutes later they emptied their plates and Castiel stuffed both into the washing machine. As he shut the door closed, Dean stretched out, reaching for the ceiling with his hands. His t-shirt rose up and uncovered the smooth belly, catching Castiel’s attention.

Dean sighed. “Finally, time to kick back and relax.” He stared expectantly at Castiel who tore his eyes away from the exposed patch of skin and met Dean’s gaze. “So, have you chosen a movie?”

Before leaving for the office in the morning he asked Castiel to pick what movie he’d like to watch together and gave him full access to online streaming services he used. It was a departure from their usual routine of Dean showing Castiel his collection.

“As a matter of fact, I did,” Castiel confirmed, barely holding back excitement that swelled in his chest. “There is one movie I wanted to see for the longest time.” He’d heard a lot of praise for it, too, and was __certain__ Dean would enjoy his choice.

“Well, what is it?”

“’ _ _Titanic__ ’.”

A silence fell between them. As seconds ticked away and the rain kept tapping against the panoramic window, Dean’s smile grew visibly strained. The entire confidence left Castiel’s chest like air escaping from punctured balloon.

“Is there a problem?” he finally found a courage to ask.

“No, no!” Dean rushed to assure. “Not at all.” He paused and rubbed the back of his neck, glancing all over the kitchen except at Castiel. “It’s just... I’ve seen it already and... I didn’t care for it.”

This confession felt like a slap in the face. How ridiculous of Castiel to believe he could have satisfied Dean with his pick. Will he __ever__ learn that he was good for nothing?

“In that case... let’s watch a movie of your choosing,” Castiel resigned.

Dean stood up and took a step closer to the other man, wearing a placating smile. “Dude, it’s __fine__. I can sit through ‘ _ _Titanic__ ’ again if you want to see it.”

It was all wrong. Why Dean insisted on making concession for Castiel’s sake when he owned this apartment and it was within his __right__ to lay down the law? Mother and Father Joshua wouldn’t stand for his caprices. Having a male Omega in control only spelled troubles. Castiel needed to fix this situation.

“Dean, I don’t wish to impose my choices on you,” he explained.

For a moment Dean watched him, weighting the options. “We’re watching ‘ _ _Titanic__ ’,” he announced and without waiting for Castiel to protest, headed to the living room.

The rainstorm continued for the following three hours, throwing streams of water at the panoramic window and reducing the stunning view on the outside to nothing more than a blur speckled with yellow dots. Much like beforehand it made Castiel feel as if he was isolated from the rest of the world, but this time Dean was by his side, chasing away the threat of loneliness. There was only two inches between them. Castiel swore he could sense Dean’s body heat. Or maybe it was his own, still raised by the __need__ coiling inside his abdomen and chest. Over the course of entire evening he repeatedly caught himself leaning toward Dean, wanting to brace his head on Alpha’s shoulder where the scent of musk and leather would be much stronger. Castiel snapped upright each time, embarrassed and a bit unsettled, unable to even name the sensation that so easily took control over his actions. Those sudden movements earned him worried expression and Dean asking if he was alright. Thankfully, Dean didn’t dwell on the subject, because Castiel wouldn’t be able to explain what was going on. He tried to get a hold of himself and focus on watching the movie.

In the end he didn’t enjoy it like the previous ones they watched... He absolutely __loved__ it.

Well, except for few morally unacceptable scenes, including one where Rose poses in nude for Jack, to which Castiel shut his eyes tightly. The Bible explicitly __forbid__ people from exposing themselves in such way to anyone, except their mates. To make matters worse, while Jack and Rose consumated their relationship, they didn’t mate during the act. There’s also Rose’s __insolent__ behavior toward her mother. Pups should __always__ obey their parents, because God commanded so. Castiel hadn’t always agreed with Mother’s opinions and choices, but it wasn’t his place to question them. The filmmakers showed great recklessness by including those moments in an otherwise excellent movie about death of hundreds of people and a tragic romance.

Dean exhibited annoyance with the movie as well, though exclusively during the scenes focusing on Jack and Rose’s romance, much to Castiel’s confusion. The stench of vinegar repeatedly polluted his natural aroma and ate away the soap scent that lingered on his skin after the shower. By the time the ship started sinking, Dean relaxed and his scent cleared out. The mixture of musk and leather filled Castiel’s nose, heating up that strange warmth inside him.

Temptation to move closer to Dean increased. It remained deeply embroidered into his body, even overpowering the sadness born from witnessing the movie’s sad conclusion.

When the credits started, Dean rushed to grab the remote and turn it off. “I’m certainly not sitting through __that__ song again...” he murmured so lowly he probably didn’t intend Castiel to hear him. The TV returned to displaying the collection of digital movies Dean owned and the Alpha relaxed in his seat, then glanced at Castel. “And what did you think?”

The easy, if tired, smile Dean gave him caused that strange warmth to pulsate in pleasure, delaying Castiel’s response as he struggled to regain control over his voice. “I found it spectacular,” he finally managed and discovered that his throat was dry again. “I don’t understand how you could have anything against it.”

With a groan Dean rolled his head and leaned it on the backrest.

“Of courseyou’d love it...” he commented, chuckling bitterly. His green eyes rested on Castiel, both full of amusement rather than annoyance. “I just cannot stand the romance, okay? It’s painfully cliched... You haven’t seen a lot of movies to notice it, but __trust me__ , it was cliched. And unrealistic.” Dean glanced toward the TV in distaste as if it offended him personally. “Movies like this cheapen what it means to be with someone: putting differences aside, thinking about the well-being of the other person, working on the relationship... Not __this__.” For emphasis Dean pointed in accusatory manner at the TV.

Momentarily Castiel lost breath. Thinking about the other person? Putting their differences aside? This was so similar to how he thought about Dean... And that warmth inside him that reacted to Dean’s presence...

No, __ridiculous__. Male Omegas weren’t capable of __love__ , none of hellish entities were. They existed purely to destroy and spread pain, which was a complete antithesis of loving someone.

Castiel shook his head to get rid of  those stupid ideas and said: “How is it different from romances in __‘Stargate__ ’ or ‘ _ _The Mummy__ ’? They’re just as unrealistic and you haven’t reacted so strongly over them.”

“First of all,” Dean turned back to Castiel, annoyance flashing briefly on his face, “no, romance in ‘ _ _The Mummy__ ’ isn’t anything like that. Rick and Evie don’t confess their __everlasting love,__ ” Dean’s tone turned sarcastic while saying the last two words, “after knowing each other for only a couple of days, they simply grew closer and decided to give a relationship a chance. And the romance in ‘ _ _Stargate__ ’ sucked, yes, but the __whole movie__ did. That’s part of what makes it enjoyably bad. In ‘ _ _Titanic__ ’ there was a potential for it to be much better. The side characters are great, the tragedy of hundreds of people dying works, the effects are awesome... But the movie gets dragged down because of that awful romance.”

Maybe it was his inexperience with fiction Dean spoke of earlier, but Castiel still couldn’t understand how the love story in ‘ _ _Titanic__ ’ caused such great animosity. To him it was a beautiful display of love, the greatest treasure God decided to share with humanity. Watching people in real life and movies were the only ways for Castiel to witness this feeling. He certainly didn’t have an opportunity to live it on his own.

Even if he hadn’t committed an unforgivable sin by seducing the four Alphas, he’d still be banned from entering a relationship. Father Joshua ensured to instill this fact into him as early as possible. Male Omegas were meant to follow, obey orders and work on helping other faithful Christians achieve salvation, not chase after their own happiness. Only through sacrifices and abstinence could they earn a place in Heaven as well. It was a lonely existence, but a __necessary__ one for male Omegas to redeem themselves after staining God’s name by being born.

That was among the hardest things for Castiel to let go of in the past. A loving relationship. He shed many tears over losing something he never even had a chance to experience.

Of course, it didn’t matter anymore. He ruined his chance forever and only Hell awaited him after death.

“Dude, are you okay?” Dean’s voice snapped Castiel out of his thoughts. The Omega stared at him in confusion, unsure where that question came from, until Dean explained: “You smell upset.”

Castiel couldn’t find it in himself to reveal the outrageous ideas that plagued his mind, so he assured: “I’m alright. The movie moved me greatly, that’s all.”

Noticing disbelief in Dean’s expression, he stood up and ventured to the kitchen in attempt to put some distance between them, have a moment to regain composure if he was about to spend more time in Dean’s company. The wonderful Alpha, who gave him greater happiness than Castiel felt in ages,  wouldn’t remain a part of his life forever, Castiel wouldn’t allow it. Once the pup was born and taken in by a good, loving couple, Castiel would leave to make space for Dean to continue his life normally without a constant threat hanging over his head.

The warmth from before was gone entirely, replaced by a cold grip squeezing his heart. He wanted to __stay__ , care for all of Dean’s needs and watch the Alpha smile at him as if he was someone worth spending time with. That was a naive dream, though. He knew how out of control he was. Even when he attempted to control his demonic nature, it was all in vain. Sooner or later he’d lose his resolve and harm Dean.

And that thought was more painful than the inevitable separation.

In the kitchen Castiel pulled a bottled water from the fridge and emptied it in quick gulps, enjoying the relieved sensation the beverage gave to his dry throat. Breathing heavily, he grabbed onto the counter to steady himself. Soft shuffling from the entrance was his only warning that Dean joined him.

“You don’t smell just sad,” Dean continued, his tone serious now. “But also bitter and hurt.”

The panoramic window wobbled as water splashed and wind pushed over it. How much Castiel wished that the feeling of them being alone in the world, which he enjoyed moments ago, wasn’t there and it was a normal evening full of distracting sounds and views.

He clutched harder on the hard wood and responded: “That’s how you perceive this. I don’t understand what you expect me to say.”

Footsteps closed in on him and stopped mere inches behind him. The scent of musk and leather, wet with sadness, filled Castiel’s nose and that cold grip around his heart squeezed harder. All he had to do was turn around and he could lean into the warmth of Dean’s body, envelop him in tight hug and stay like that forever, both of them separated from the real world and the truth about Castiel, by a rainstorm.

He did none of it, but simply stood in place, painfully aware of Dean’s presence behind him, and waited for the man to speak up.

“I want you to be honest, Cas,” Dean pleaded and the hurt in his voice added to Castiel’s pain. “I know your __family,__ ” he spat that word out in disgust, “warped your image of yourself,” no, after this whole time Dean still didn’t understand; his family didn’t __warp__ his perception, but __straightened__ it and put him on the righteous path, “but I don’t buy any of their stupid ideas. You’re __not__ a monster to me and you won’t convince me otherwise. So please, let me help you.”

Seconds passed as the cold clutch slowly disappeared, overtaken and replaced by the wonderful warmth. Castiel turned around to face Dean and saw shy hope flashing from under the concern twisting his handsome features.

And just like that all pieces of the puzzle fell into their rightful place, chasing away the shadows darkening his mind, guilt from past sins, until only the Alpha standing before him remained, gazing deep into his soul with those green eyes, so reminiscent of peaceful garden back in the church.

Lost for thoughts, Castiel spoke the only words that made sense to him at the moment.

“I love you.”

He saw various emotions moving over Dean’s face. Shock, which was replaced by acceptance and then... That soft smile resurfaced and Dean stared at Castiel like he was the most precious thing in the world. It was so ridiculous to think. And absolutely __wonderful__.

Dean stepped closer, bringing his body heat and scent along. The wetness spoiling that musky and leather aroma slowly vanished, replaced by honey smell of happiness. Two palms rested on Castiel’s forearms and rose up, brushing softly against his shoulder and up the neck to rest on his cheeks, so soft and smooth in touch. His focus remained mostly on Dean’s eye, until they closed and Dean leaned closer into his view, and Castiel automatically shut his eye as well.

The first touch of Dean’s plush lips on his own was gentle, almost hesitant, and Castiel responded in similar manner. Encouraged by this, Dean pressed harder. Taking all of the sensations in, Castiel enveloped Dean’s body in a tight hug and stepped as close as his round belly allowed, feeling the strong muscles shift as Dean changed position, pushing his hips forward to meet Castiel’s. They broke every couple of seconds for air, Dean’s heated breath brushing against Castiel’s face, but always returned to the easy caressing. The warmth that filled his heart broke out and spread through his entire body, along his chest, abdomen and limbs all the way to fingers and toes. He wanted __more__. He pulled Dean harder, wishing to melt them together into one, which seemed possible at the moment.

Alpha and Omega as one. The perfect match.

He whined like a pup and snapped his eyes open in disappointment when Dean broke off their kiss, but it turned into a guttural moan the moment Dean lowered his head and bit gently at Castiel chin. A possessive display of Alpha’s affection and dominance. Another bite landed on his jaw, then the plush lips moved along his face, leaving a trail of kisses on their way to Castiel’s neck. Castiel leaned back, giving Dean better access to his pulse point and enjoying the gentle licks, gnaws and pecks as Dean marked him as his. Castiel closed eyes, overtaken by pleasure－

Asharp __ring__  broke the silence.

It took a couple of seconds for Castiel’s mind to start working again, but eventually he realized that he sat on top of kitchen counter and his t-shirt was risen, exposing his rounded belly. Even more confusingly, Dean had one of his hands pressed on top of it. The Alpha met his stare, clearly as shocked by what happened as Castiel was.

Dean stepped back and reached for the ringing cell phone he left earlier on the dining table. He took one glance at the caller’s name and his eyes widened in horror, moving quickly toward Castiel.

However, he didn’t explain what was the problem. Instead he accepted the call and pressed the phone to his ear. “Hey, Lisa,” he greeted cheerfully, grinning in a nervous smile.

Castiel felt like the ground slipped from under him. He slowly slipped down from the kitchen counter, but couldn’t move any further and stood frozen in place, not even hearing a word of Dean’s conversation with his future mate.

 _ _Dear Lord__ , what has he __done__?!


	14. Break-Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shot out to MrsDeanWinchester87 for editing this chapter.

“No offence, brother, but you look and smell like shit.”

Dean glared at his Alpha co-worker, leaning casually against the doorframe of his office. “Thanks, Benny,” he grumbled. “You sure know how to make someone feel better about himself.”

Unimpressed by the snide comment, Benny walked over to Dean’s desk and tossed a folder on top of it, adding to the mess of documents and reports splayed before him.

“Seriously, what’s bothering you?” Benny asked in more concerned tone.

With a deep sigh, Dean dropped the pen he was holding and rubbed the tip of his nose. The honest answer was what __wasn’t__ bothering him at the moment. Cas spent the entire weekend walking around like he was at death’s door and Dean himself, not only looked and smelled, but __felt__ like shit. He fucked up big time and had no idea how to begin fixing the situation.

Maybe having an honest one-on-one with Benny would let Dean settle his confused thoughts and emotions into some semblance of order so he could decide what to do next? He and Benny weren’t particularly close; they had lunch together once in a while and on two occasions went out for a beer, but their relationship never developed into proper friendship as Dean expected due to the amount of work and lack of time on Dean’s part. Although Benny worked in the same department and prepared reports for Dean, he didn’t fight for the same promotion － heck if Dean knew why, because the guy was good at his job － and usually left hours ahead of Dean.

In the end he decided against revealing the whole truth to Benny, because he was a coward and didn’t want to see the disappointment in Benny’s eyes. Benny wouldn’t get all righteous on his ass － that wasn’t his style － but somehow the feeling that he let him down would be far worse.

“Relationship problems,” Dean admitted. “I... messed up big time.”

“So big it might lead to a break-up?” Benny questioned.

Honestly, Dean wasn’t sure. He opened his mouth to answer, only to close it back almost immediately when he realized he had no idea what to say. As understanding and sweet as Lisa was, Dean didn’t expect her to let go of this moment of infidelity.

“You should talk to your girl, then,” Benny advised, taking his reaction for confirmation. “Explain yourself, beg for forgiveness. Maybe she’ll take you back.”

It was more complicated than simply talking things over, but without hearing the details Benny had no chance to give him any worthwhile advice. The main problem lied in the fact that Cas was pregnant and had nowhere else to go. It wasn’t like Dean could simply get rid of him and write the whole experience down as a mistake. So not only did Dean need to apologize to Lisa, he also had to handle the even more delicate situation with Cas.

Dean wasn’t even sure __why__ he kissed Cas anyway. He stood before the Omega and stared into those mesmerizing blue eyes, smelled the alluring scent of apple pie and cinnamon, and his mind was locked on the information that Cas didn’t want to keep the baby he fought so hard to protect － which Lisa passed to him, ironically － when he heard Cas’s words.

__‘I love you.’_ _

And something suddenly __yanked__ at his heart as if there was a hook lodged in it. Briefly, he believed he’d heard it wrong and wanted to ask Cas to repeat. However, slowly it dawned on him that no, this wonderful, selfless and kind Omega chose __him__ as the target of his love. Overtaken by warmth spreading inside his chest, he leaned down and captured Cas’s lips in a kiss.

It wasn’t a spur of the moment thing, though. Afterwards, Dean realized that the want, __the__   _ _need__ , to hold Cas close and to taste him had been building inside him for a long time, probably since the day they met, he simply hadn’t realized it.

 _ _Fuck__.

This whole situation was so complicated and he had no idea how to tackle it.

Benny might have been right, actually. Speaking with Lisa was the first step to take. After dating for three years and planning their future together he __owed__ her honesty and an apology.

Except that he was stuck at his office for another hour and calling didn’t seem appropriate. This fucking job! He worked his __ass off__  for a promotion that Alder and the other bastard chairmen took their sweet time giving to him, and now he had to wait to even take care of his personal issues!

In a surge of anger Dean shoved several documents off his desk and watched with vicious satisfaction as they landed on the floor. “I can’t,” he eventually responded to Benny’s advice. “Still need to finish the report.”

“Go,” Benny ordered. His natural Alpha scent of musk and hot pepper was filled with conviction. “I’ll cover for you.”

However, Dean wasn’t as convinced. “And what if Adler decided to pay me a visit?” he asked.

Benny shrugged. “Simple. I’ll just mention what a wonderful and talented boss he is.” A sly smiled split his lips when Dean scowled in confusion. “That’ll get him talking about himself for at least an hour and before he remembers the rest of world even exists, it’ll be long past your shift.”

Despite how crappy he felt, Dean couldn’t contain a chuckle that built in his throat. Yeah, that sounded like Adler. He had only two modes: making bad joked and bragging __while__ making bad jokes.

However, what little good humor Benny managed to awake in Dean, it quickly evaporated. He still had to face a difficult conversation with Lisa he wasn’t prepared for, but doubted he’d ever be. Admitting to infidelity wasn’t something he could rehearse. No matter how delicately he put it, he wouldn’t be able to avoid hurting Lisa.

“Okay,” Dean said, standing up from his desk chair and heading toward the tiny closet near the entrance. He quickly threw the jacket and scarf on. Right before leaving, he turned to his co-worker and once again regretted that they hadn’t managed to become close friends yet. “Thanks, Benny. I owe you.”

“Don’t mention it, brother,” Benny responded, giving a little salute.

The way to elevators was clear and Dean rushed through it, his heart hammering in his chest. Any moment he expected to hear Adler’s voice calling after him and demanding to know where the hell Dean thought he was going an entire hour early. Thankfully, that didn’t happen and Dean slipped inside the elevator undetected. Tonight neither the steady humming of lifting machinery nor the view of his beautiful Baby awaiting in the chilly parking space provided any relaxation for his nerves.

Dean sat in the driver’s seat, shut the door and leaned against the backrest, closing his eyes to collect strength. Instead, his mind played tricks on him and returned to the memories of when he first started working at Sandover. A young, inexperienced Alpha determined to prove to his co-workers that he wasn’t just some stupid redneck who could barely read and count. Determined to make a name for himself in business world, get a higher-up job, find an attractive and smart mate, and start a family with at least two pups.

He used to be so idealistic back then. The thought that one day he would cheat on his longtime girlfriend hadn’t even crossed his mind. It was too __outrageous__ to even enter his mind.

The chilly air bit at his exposed skin and irritated his nose, dulling his sense of smell, but he didn’t bother to turn on the heat. After taking a deep breath, figuring that he was as prepared as he’d ever be, Dean pulled the cell phone from his pocket and selected Lisa’s number from the phone book.

Each ring squeezed his heart harder and harder in a cold clutch. He couldn’t stop a hopeful thought that Lisa was busy and wouldn’t pick up, and he would have an excuse to put off this painful conversation－

“Dean?” Lisa’s surprised voice replaced the steady beeping. “Hi. What happened that got you to call me? Where’s the fire?”

The jokey tone didn’t hide the fact that she was __right__. In the couple of seconds Dean took to mull over her words, he couldn’t remember when was the last time he called her.

“Hey, Lis,” he greeted and realized that he sounded a lot grimmer than he intended. “Are you home right now?”

“Yes,” Lisa answered more seriously, sensing that something was up. “Why?”

“I need to speak with you. It’s not a conversation on the phone.”

A silence fell on the other side and Dean felt his heart sinking lower with each passing second during which Lisa hadn’t said anything. The guilt over what he did and what he was going to do ate him from the inside. He stared through the windshield, not really seeing the rest of the parking lot, and gripped the cell phone so hard his knuckles started hurting.

“Okay,” Lisa eventually responded. “Then I’ll be waiting. See ya.”

“Yeah, you too,” was all Dean had energy to say before he hanged up.

He moved slowly like his own body tried to delay the inevitable as he fastened the seatbelt, turned the ignition and pulled back from the parking spot. The steering wheel felt cold in his grip, reflecting the chilly sensation inside him.

The traffic was as dense as when Dean usually left the office, even an hour earlier. He skilfully drove toward Lisa’s place, unable to calm his hammering heart nor prepare mentally for the upcoming conversation; his mind was numb from nerves and guilt. Fifteen minutes later he parked next to a sidewalk of an apartment complex located in a nice, but not particularly fancy, neighborhood. The building was made out of raw bricks supposedly for esthetic purposes; the real reason being that it was much cheaper to make. Lisa has lived here for five years, originally with her sister until Karen got mated and moved out three years ago to start a family.

Dean turned the engine off and leaned back in his seat, looking up at the windows in Lisa’s apartment. Soft light seeped through the white curtains, confirming that Lisa was upstairs waiting for him.

Years of working as a representative of Sandover responsible for gaining new clients and keeping the old ones, Dean was used to stressful situations. But __none__ of them could compare to the one he found himself in right now, minutes away from having the worst conversation of his entire life. Cold sweat appeared on his skin and his previously hammering heart slowed down to such pace he could barely catch a breath. He reached to loosen his tie, then simply took it off and threw it at the back without care. He still struggled to inhale fresh air, almost like his lungs shrunk from nerves.

Honestly, he didn’t want to leave the car. He wanted to drive away, return to the apartment and just forget... But Cas was back there, so he wouldn’t be able to forget. The Omega was a constant reminder of Dean’s mistake.

Minutes passed and Dean hadn’t moved from the seat. Finally, he saw Lisa’s shadow moving behind one of the curtains in her windows and realized that she probably felt as nervous as he was, uncertain why he demanded to talk with her, probably imaging the worst case scenario. That got him out of the car and moving across the street toward the residential block. Considering that he was about to hurt Lisa, he had no right to add to her anguish even more.

When he buzzed the intercom, Lisa answered almost instantly, confirming Dean’s suspicion that she awaited his arrival impatiently. “Dean?” she asked.

“Yeah,” he confirmed. “Let me up.”

The lock buzzed and Dean pushed the entrance door, slipping inside the building, which was marginally warmer than the outside. Since Lisa lived on the second floor, he took the stairs up. With each step his heart sunk lower and lower, and nearly stopped as he reached Lisa’s flat. He reached out for the doorbell, but Lisa opened before he could push it.

Worry disfigured her gorgeous face and she stood in the threshold, searching Dean’s face and smelling his scent for any clue on what he wanted to speak about. Apparently, she didn’t find any and said, “Come in”, making a way for him to walk inside.

The flat was rather small with two bedrooms, living room and kitchenette in an open floor plan, and one bathroom. However, it was much more inviting compared to Dean’s luxurious and huge apartment. The furniture was covered in various knick-knacks － Dean bumped into an ugly sombrero that hung on a coatrack that Lisa bought during a trip to Mexico with Karen, Karen had a similar one at her home － and family photos. The entire place was soaked in scent of strawberry and chocolate. Dean glanced briefly at a picture of Lisa and her two nieces at the zoo as he stepped inside the living room. It was much warmer here, but he didn’t bother undressing.

“So, what did you want to speak about?” Lisa’s question came from behind.

Dean turned around to look at her and opened his mouth to respond, but his voice failed him. Lisa watched him warily, looking like someone who was ready to take a hit. Her scent made that impression even worse. The usually sweet aroma turned sour, polluted with fearful stench of vinegar.

 _ _Fuck__ , he never expected to be thetype of Alpha who made their Omega feel that way.

“Dean, you’re freaking me out,” Lisa admitted. “Tell me, what’s going on?”

As he stared into her eyes, he realized with full clarity that things weren’t working out between them for a long time and he was very much at fault, too focused on furthering his career to keep his feelings for Lisa alive. Ironically, in attempt to earn enough money to provide a comfortable life for their future family.

What happened between him and Cas wasn’t merely a spur of the moment thing, but a culmination of growing problems in his relationship with Lisa. The affection he once held for her slowly dissolved. How easy it would be to avoid the __real__  issue and simply say that he wanted to break up, keep the ugly truth hidden. And in cowardly move he considered it briefly.

Lisa deserved the honesty, though.

“I...” Dean’s throat was dry and he had to swallow to get it working properly. “I kissed Cas.”

Unable to watch as Lisa’s face fell apart, he lowered his eyes to the floor.

“What?” she said so quietly he almost missed it.

“I kissed Cas. On Saturday,” Dean repeated. But that wasn’t the __whole__ truth, now was it? “And if you hadn’t called, I might have... taken it further.”

“So you did it right before?” Lisa choked out. “And then you talked with me like...” Her voice broke and the ‘ _ _like nothing have happened__ ’ went unsaid, but Dean still understood her.

In additional to the stench of vinegar, the aroma of strawberries and chocolate grew wet as if someone dipped them in water. Despite knowing what he’d see, Dean raised his eyes. Lisa’s eyes shined with unshead tears and she kept shaking her head in disbelief. That view broke Dean’s heart, because __he__ was the one responsible for hurting Lisa in the first place.

“I knew we had problems, but... Jesus,” she choked out.

“Lis, I’m sorry,” Dean said, words feeling hollow no matter how honest they were.

He took a step forward and reached out to embrace Lisa, soothe her pain somehow. However, she jumped away like a wounded animal afraid of getting hurt further. “Don’t touch me!” she wailed.

Feeling almost like she slapped his hands away, Dean jerked backwards and stood in place. Unsure what else to do, he stood in place watching Lisa’s back and shoulders twitch as sobs wracked her body and the rapidly growing stench of miserable Omega quickly filled the room. It enveloped Dean in inescapable proof of his own fault.

“I’m so sorry,” Dean repeated, his throat closing from emotions. “I never... I never intended for things to end up like this. It’s my fault. I was so focused on the job that at some point I ended up drifting away from you.” __Christ__ , it sounded so __hollow__ and __meaningless__ , but he couldn’t just stand quietly and let Lisa suffer. He wanted to ease her pain somehow, even if marginally.

Maybe he succeeded a little, because Lisa chuckled bitterly. “What a way to make that clear,” she spat without much heat, giving him a sad glare over a shoulder.

The air was so thick with hurt that Dean could barely breathe anymore. He watched as Lisa walked across the living room, dropping down on the couch hiding her tearful face in both hands, with her elbows braced on her knees.

“Just go...” she murmured, her voice muffled. “Leave me alone...”

That was the last image of Lisa he saw: slumped down, crying from his betrayal. He turned around and left, even though every Alpha instinct inside his mind __screamed__ for him to fix it, make it better somehow. But the rational part of his mind knew there was nothing he could do. __He__  was the cause of her pain, after all. Removing himself was the best choice.

The door locked quietly behind him, officially ending a two-years-long relationship that he hoped at one point would last a lifetime. He leaned against the hard wood, closed his eyes and inhaled steadily. With his enhanced hearing he heard the sobs and cries coming from the inside. He couldn’t stand to listen to them nor the guilt weighing on his heart, so he pushed away and rushed down the stairs, wanting to put as much space between himself and Lisa as possible. The cold air blew in his face the moment he stepped out on the street, biting his eyes (or so he told himself to explain away the stinging sensation) but allowing him to breath a little easier through his closing throat.

He didn’t remember much from the journey back to his apartment, which he realized was irresponsible driving on his part. But he couldn’t help it, working on autopilot while steering the Impala on the busy roads. Frankly, he felt like shit and wanted nothing more than to just lay down, fall asleep and get rid of that awful guilt crushing his chest, at least for a couple of hours. He wasn’t naive enough to believe it would be gone by tomorrow.

Once he parked in front of the apartment building, he lethargically got out, closed the door and went inside, not even responding to polite hello from a neighbor he passed by.

The moment he stepped into the warmth of his home, he was welcomed by the smell of dinner cooking: a simple pasta, since Cas probably wasn’t in a mood to prepare anything more complicated. After Saturday, he looked and smelled upset, spending most of his time locked in his bedroom. In the very least, the stench of sadness and shame was less noticeable thanks to the meal overpowering it. Dean appreciated the short reprieve and dreaded the moment when Cas’s scent would once again remind him of his fuck up. That was the first time he didn’t seek out that wonderful aroma of apple pie and cinnamon.

Cas stepped out of the kitchen, greeting Dean with a surprised expression. Or at least as surprised as the Omega was capable of behaving.

“Dean, you’re early,” he noted.

“I snuck out from work to talk to Lisa,” Dean responded, sighing. He immediately noticed Cas still in place, clearly desperate for further information but afraid to overstep and ask.

The guilt crushing Dean’s chest increased and he was sure Cas could smell it on him. On top of hurting Lisa, now Dean had to reveal their break-up to Cas, the mentally vulnerable man who grew up in abusive environment that convinced him he was a monster for being a male Omega. And Dean __knew__ how Cas would receive the truth. That he would blame himself for something that was out of his control.

Dean had no idea how to broach the subject without causing Cas more pain. __Dammit__ , he never wanted to make Lisa miserable, but adding to Cas’s self-hatred was downright __sickening__ to him.

“We broke up,” he revealed.

Just like that Cas’s face shattered before Dean’s eyes and he stepped closer to the Omega, gently putting hands on his shoulders. Unlike Lisa, Cas didn’t try to move away.

“Cas, listen to me,” Dean said in calm but stern voice. “It had __nothing__ to do with you, okay?” He searched for any confirmation from Cas, even a simple change in his expression. Having gotten none, he continued: “We’ve had problems for some time now. This break-up would have happened sooner or later anyway.”

His words hadn’t convinced Cas and he saw the Omega slowly shutting down, slumping down onto himself in defeat. All thanks to Dean. The stench of miserable Omega appeared to fill the entire apartment in an instant and it made it hard to breath for Dean.

Feeling his throat closing again and eyes prickling, Dean stared at Cas, __willing__ him into saying that he understood. To ease the horrible guilt ripping Dean’s heart apart.

“Dinner will be ready in fifteen minutes,” Cas announced instead, his voice sounding as broken as he was.

Clumsily, he freed himself from Dean’s grasp and stepped back inside the kitchen, resuming his work on tomato sauce boiling atop the oven. Dean stood in place and watched him work. He wanted to fix this, make things better, but he had no idea how.

He wasn’t sure he could anymore.

 

***

 

“Dean, I’d like to have a word with you in my office,” Adler requested. He looked rather pleased and gave Dean one of his trademark, smug smiles that made him feel like a well oiled cog in a machinery. However, before Dean could ask what this was about, Mr. Adler turned around and walked out of his office.

Panic washed over Dean. __Fuck__ , Benny must have failed to distract him and Adler noticed that Dean sneaked out of work earlier yesterday. Now he probably wanted to reprimand or, worse, __fire__ Dean. Although Adler enjoyed keeping up an appearance of benevolent boss, nobody was fooled. The man could be absolutely __ruthless__ to people who merely annoyed him, let alone decided to abandon their own jobs during working hours.

Dreading every step, Dean left his office, locked the door and ventured down the long hallway that appeared to be stretching endlessly today. The place Adler occupied was at the very end, guarded by an attractive Omega secretary who simply nodded at Dean, giving indication that he was free to enter.

This office was three times as big as Dean’s and stuffed to the brim with expensive furniture made of shiny dark wood, adorned with paintings and even small sculptures. Most of the decorative items represented either sexually alluring Omegas, both male and female, or raw power. Compensating at its finest. It was clear to Dean and pretty much everyone at Sandover that Adler was very bitter about the fact that he presented as Beta and did his best to convince others he was an Alpha, even using scent blockers to hide his natural scent. That’s why Dean couldn’t deduce from his boss’s smell how much in trouble he was right now. Unfortunately for Adler, though, he was so __obvious__ in his attempt to pass as an Alpha, that nobody was fooled so far.

Adler sat behind a huge desk (with enough working space for at least three people), turned in his chair and stared through the panoramic window as if he was a ruler admiring his kingdom. Dean knocked on the doorframe as he stepped inside to indicate his presence.

“Ah, Dean,” Mr. Adler started, turning back, and that smug smile returned to his lips. “Please, take a seat.” He pointed toward one the black leather chairs standing on the other side of enormous desk.

Struggling to remain calm, Dean sunk down onto the soft cushion. Apparently, Alder saw no reason to hurry and took his time putting his hands on the desk’s top, entwining his fingers and giving Dean a solid once over. He looked like a stern teacher readying to reprimand a troublesome student. Maybe Dean would get lucky and that’s all it would come down to. A simple reprimand. Because fuck, he already lost Lisa. He couldn’t lose his job as well.

“Do you know why you’re here?” Adler asked.

Dean held back the impulse to tell him to just get on with it, instead of dancing around the issue. “No, sir,” he answered. Maybe it wasn’t about him sneaking out earlier and he had no intention of accidentally admitting to it. But why else would Adler ask Dean to his office?

The pleasant smile on Adler’s face widened and the Beta made himself more comfortable in his chair. “As you know, Dean, Sandover values all of its employees,” he said. “We provide them with a safe environment and allow a chance to developed necessary skills to succeed in this challenging business world. Of course, there are those we need to say goodbye to if they lack characteristics we search for in people.” Dean’s heart squeezed painfully. “But there are also those who exceed our expectations and prove to be capable of changing our company’s image, like you, Dean. And that’s why today I’m proudly offering you a position as the Director of Ohio State’s Affairs.”

Adler went silent, smiling expectantly at Dean. His words resounded in the air. This was the dream position Dean spent a year working for and making endless sacrifices to obtain finally being offered to him. The same position he wanted to get in order to finally start a family with Lisa.

A bitter chuckle slipped out of Dean’s mouth before he could stop it.

“What’s so funny?” Adler questioned, his smile slightly weakening under the confusion.

“Nothing,” Dean lied. “Nothing for you to worry about, Sir.”

 

***

 

The sunlight coming through the panoramic windows brightened the living room and kitchen where it managed to sneak past the counters, giving the apartment a more inviting look. It was a rare warm day in December, probably one of the last this year. How much it contrasted with cold sensation that enveloped Castiel’s entire body, starting with his heart and moving through his veins like a slow working poison, making him feel numb and lost.

He strolled around the apartment, taking notice of several details he missed for nearly entire month he lived here. A tiny statuette of a white cat sitting on its back feet, one front paw extended up while the other held a gold coin with some Japanese symbols, positioned on kitchen shelf. A collection of cassette tapes labeled with various band names Castiel didn’t recognize like Led Zeppelin and Steppenwolf, hidden in a non-descriptive box in a cabinet underneath the TV. They were carefully organized in alphabetical order and clearly well loved. A picture tucked away in one of the books, representing two middle-aged men in front of a junk yard full of wrecked cars, both bearded, dressed in flannel shirts and smiling cheerfully. One having a trucker cap atop of his head, the other letting his unkempt black hair blow in a wind. Both looked so happy and Castiel had to quickly put the picture away, choked by emotions.

Previously he viewed this apartment as impersonal, almost like an exhibit in a furniture store. Now, however, he realized he simply hadn’t noticed the personal touches Dean left imprinted here. Or maybe he looked deeper into it than he should, desperate to record as many details into his memory as he could.

In reality, he had no one else to blame but himself for the current situation. Dean and Lisa’s break-up, despite what Dean said, __was__ Castiel’s fault. He naively believed that _ _this time__  he would prevent things from spiraling out of control, his demonic nature from claiming another victim. Instead, it all ended the exact same way as it always did: innocent people suffering wherever he appeared.

Finally, Castiel learned his lesson. __No more__  of attempting to lead a normal life. He was a monster and no amount of denying it would change a thing.

With that cold sensation filling his heart, Castiel sat down at the kitchen table and scribbled a couple of words on a piece of paper he found in Dean’s room; a simple explanation and apology, even though it meant nothing at this point.

 

_Dear Dean,_

_I apologize for causing you pain, it was never my intention. I know that you’re too kind to put the blame over your break-up with Lisa on me, but we both know I’m at fault here. Hopefully, one day you’ll be able to recognize it and forgive yourself._

_I won’t be bothering you anymore with my presence. Thank you for the support and generosity you showed me, but I cannot remain at your apartment anymore._

_Castiel_

 

There was so much more he wished to include. He wanted to describe the pain __ripping__ his heart apart at the thought that he wouldn’t see Dean ever again. Never again would he watch a movie in his company nor hear that melodic laughter whenever he said something unintentionally silly. That letter was meant to soothe Dean’s guilt, though, and it would be selfish of Castiel to add anything regarding his own pain. Besides, he __deserved__ to hurt after what he’d done.

Having nothing else stopping him now, Castiel left the piece of paper on the dining table and went to the front door. A small bag filled with food and a bottle of pills prescribed by Dr. Moseley rested on the floor where he had dropped it earlier. Once he put the jacket, scarf and woolen hat on, he grabbed it and reached for the door handle. That was all he decided to take along with him, just warm clothes to allow him to survive the worsening winter weather and some food for the pup’s sake.

A yanking on his heart caused Castiel to freeze in place and take one last look at the apartment he grew so attached to in the past months, his free hand automatically moving up to rest on the rounded belly, even though he could barely feel the swell through the thick materials of his clothes. The living room was particularly beautiful soaked in afternoon sun. It would probably look even better in warm summer light. However, he wouldn’t have a chance to witness it.

The scents of leather and musk was everywhere, tempting him to stay. Assuring that his Alpha would find a way to fix the problem he caused.

 _ _Jesus__   _ _Christ__ , he actually started perceiving Dean as his Alpha.

This was the best solution. If he remained here, Dean’s soul would become irreversibly tainted and he wouldn’t allow it.

Castiel tore his eyes away from the apartment and left, shutting the door behind him. Then he headed toward the stairs, squeezing a hand over the strap of his bag and fighting the prickling under his eyelids.

Once again, he was completely alone and beyond hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The part about Castiel running away was inspired by a comment written by Ze1 in chapter 8. Although Ze1 suggested that Lisa throws Castiel out when she notices how close Dean grew with him, I figured it would be more dramatic if Castiel left on his own choice. Big shot out to Ze1 for this plot development!
> 
> And yes, things are going to get more angsty. Just wait until the next chapter...


	15. Blood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sure you, guys, won't be happy with how this chapter ends, but it has to happen for the story's sake.
> 
> As usual, thanks to MrsDeanWinchester87 for editing this chapter.

Steady streams of people approached from the opposite direction as Castiel hurried down the street, maneuvering between them. He kept his eyes fixed on the ground, so all he noticed was a blur of colorful jackets, pants and thick winter shoes. Even then, he could _sense_ their disapproving stares and was afraid that someone would suddenly stand in his way, blocking the path, to berate him for showing face in public with the fruit of his _sin_  presented for everyone to see. Shame him publically and steal the last remnants of strength he had left.

The freezing winter air bit on his nose and exposed skin, seeping through sneakers and socks, trying to slither under his jacket. These clothes weren’t designed for such harsh weather, but he had nothing else. Ignoring it for now, Castiel adjusted the bag strap on his shoulder and sped up, determined to distance himself from Dean’s apartment building. He could worry about staying warm later.

As he ventured ahead with no destination in mind, he kept making random turns to make himself completely lost. It was the only way to eliminate the temptation to retrace his own steps back to the warmth and comfort of Dean’s apartment. It also made it harder for Dean to track him down. A clawing guilt accelerated his movements. He had already caused so much pain and suffering in Dean’s life. Now, he had to ensure it wouldn’t happen again. That he wouldn’t be __charmed__ again by the Alpha’s warm voice and beautiful words about how he wasn’t a monster and was capable of living a moral life. It was a beautiful lie he __desperately__ wanted to believe in. But it was just a lie, bound to be revealed as such eventually.

And in consequence, two people suffered needlessly.

Guilt squeezed his chest and Castiel choked back a sob that threatened to escape his throat. His tears were worthless. He had no right for relief from that crushing sensation. He deserved __every, single second__  of it. If he wasn’t so selfish and stupid, Dean and Lisa would still be together.

Slowly, the crowd around him had grown thinner and the buildings had shrunk as he moved out from the city center. Castiel had no idea how much time passed since he left, but it had definitely gotten darker and the street lamps had turned on. It had been probably an hour or two. The sky was mostly covered in thin white clouds, peeking through small holes to reveal its navy color here and there.

Convinced that he had traveled far enough, Castiel slowed down considerably, his back aching from the physical exertion. Either from the advanced pregnancy or the amount of time he had spent sitting around in the past month, he wasn’t able to keep up his fast pace anymore. He pressed both hands at his lower back where the throbbing was the strongest and stretched out, pushing his abdomen ahead. It relieved some pain and Castiel could look around.

The one way street was surrounded by warehouses and small shops, all in a neglected state. Paint was peeling off the walls in large flakes and graffiti covered most of the remaining space. Trash littered the gutters, presumably swept aside by street cleaners. Among papers, plastic bottles and cans Castiel spotted glass shards. When he scanned the warehouse next to it, he noticed a huge hole in its front window. It was carelessly duct taped over with a newspaper, flapping in the cold breeze. He managed to read small print on the page by leaning closer. The paper was dated eight months ago.

He wasn’t sure if this was a good place for him to camp around or not. The freezing temperature hindered his thought process. Still, his heart squeezed painfully, this time from the regret.

 _ _Dear Lord__ , he was homelessagain. He wasted the opportunity Dean gave him and now he was back on the street, in bone-chilling weather, forced to dig around trash for food and other necessities to survive until pup’s birth. As if on its own accord, his right hand moved to rest on his growing belly. It gave him no comfort, though.

Why couldn’t his life just... end? All it would require was for some driver to lose control of their car and slam into him at full speed, quickly weeding the toxin out of this world. Or a random mugger stabbing him to death when he discovered Castiel had nothing of value.

However, it wouldn’t be this easy, would it? Being forced to live on with this crushing guilt was the punishment God bestowed upon him. __Dear Lord, please, have mercy on my soul__ , Castiel cried out in his mind.

Something wet landed on the back of his neck where his jacket’s collar didn’t cover. Castiel gasped in surprise. When he reached to feel for what it was, snowflakes appeared in his field of vision, swirling on the chilly breeze and growing in number with each passing second.

Briefly forgetting his emotional distress, Castiel searched around for a place to hide. The warehouse with the broken window seemed abandoned, so he pushed the loose newspaper out of the way and snuck inside, ducking under the metal frame. The still-intact dirty windows didn’t let much daylight inside, but it was enough to see his surroundings. One cursory glance confirmed his suspicions. The medium-sized room he found himself in, presumably designed to be an office judging by a broken chair and desk in a corner, was utterly grimy. Dirt, rocks and sticks brought here by either wind or wild animals covered the floor, crunching under Castiel’s sneakers. The omega’s eyes roamed around the room, sweeping his gaze across the walls that were crusted with chipping paint and up across the mold-stained ceiling.

Not particularly an inviting place, especially after the month he had spent in the warm, luxurious apartment, but it had to do, at least for the night. Maybe Castiel would search for a better place tomorrow.

He wandered further inside the warehouse, away from the cold wind and snowflakes that were slipping after him through the hole in the window. He carefully measured each step, mindful of rocks and sticks that threatened to make him slip and fall down, all were hard to spot due to limited lighting.

The air filling the warehouse was stale and almost as cold as the one outside. It didn’t help that most of the rooms were huge, designed specifically to contain large supplies of products that hadn’t been stored there for quite some time. As he searched for a suitable spot to stay, Castiel wrapped his arms over his belly to prevent the warmth from escaping. He could already feel chilly air seeping through his jacket’s thick sleeves. He needed to look inside the containers in the area for blankets, as many as he was able to get his hands on.

Eventually, he came across a small room, thin and long, which likely served as a supply closet in the past. A tiny window near the ceiling provided limited illumination and the floor was mostly clean, except for old pieces of cardboard Castiel kicked aside. Then he sat down on the bare concrete, curling legs under himself for comfort.

Surrounded by cold air, thick warehouse walls, and deepening darkness with bag full of food and pregnancy pills pressed protectively over his belly, Castiel recalled the last time he saw Lisa five days ago. The way she smiled at him as if they were good friends and talked carefree about her job... She seemed so __happy__.

Did she cry when Dean told her the truth?

Was she still hurting because the man she intended to mate was lured toward sin by Castiel?

Guilt reawakened inside him, mercilessly __crushing__  his chest and clawing at his heart. He had corrupted the __kindest__  person he had ever met, someone who offered him shelter and help, and he repaid by destroying Dean’s relationship and hurting Lisa.

A pained sob escaped from Castiel’s mouth and burning tears filled his eyes, spilling over and down his cheeks. Cold air scratched at the inside of his throat as he cried out, unable to contain the agony ripping him to shreds. He didn’t want this... He didn’t want to hurt those wonderful people...

__God Almighty, why do I always cause pain to those around me? Why was I the one chosen by demons to turn me into a male Omega?_ _

He could barely breathe between sobs, his lungs feeling like burning coals.

Then fury __exploded__ in his heart, replacing the guilt in an instant. Castiel grit his teeth and __slapped__ his own face with all the force he could manage. Muscles in his arms protested at the sudden movement and the physical pain __roared__ under the skin he had just hit, adding vicious satisfaction to the burning rage.

 _ _Don’t you__ dare __make it about yourself, you__ fucking whore _ _! You deserve to suffer after everything you’ve done!__

He hit again, the sound resounding in the small space and the roaring pain increasing. But that __wasn’t enough__. He could still recall Lisa’s warm smile and Dean’s lie that their break up wasn’t caused by Castiel.

So he hit again. And again.

It was all _ _his fault__ and nobody else’s _ _.__ An uncontrollable __beast__ designed to destroy every ounce of happiness in people’s life! He could vividly recall how his own body tricked him into thinking that he was in love with Dean. Even now his heart longed for Alpha’s presence, just so he could seduce that innocent man!

 _ _Ridiculous__! Omegas were __incapable__  of love!

Bitter tears of sadness and regret continued wetting his face, so he continued hitting. __Worthless monster__. He doesn’t deserve relief, doesn’t deserve to be cared for...

 

__***_ _

__

Over the next three days the weather grew harsher. Snow continued falling, pilling up on the sidewalks around the warehouse that Castiel decided to make his permanent base, only to be swept aside by street cleaners. The thin layer that remained on the ground would freeze over, forcing Castiel to measure his every step to avoid slipping. Strong gusts of wind that would push on him and blow dense veils of snowflakes at his face made it much harder to keep balance.

An image of him slipping and falling on his round belly haunted Castiel’s mind. His stomach clenched each time it appeared and for a moment Castiel couldn’t catch his breath.

Although the food he brought along ( _ _Stole from Dean__ , Mother’s voice corrected) was enough to last for at least a week and in the cold weather he didn’t have to worry about it spoiling, there were other needs he had to take care of. The first morning he awoke in the warehouse supply closet, he was completely numb from the sheer cold and his neck and the entire right side of his body he slept on __screamed__ in pain. For several minutes he wasn’t able to move and feared that this was how he would meet his end, laying on the concrete ground, unable to get up because he was too stupid to search for some blankets in nearby trash containers the night before. However, he fought with the discomfort, slowly encouraging the blood flow to increase by clenching and unclenching his muscles, until he could shift onto his back. From there, he managed to get up on his feet despite constant jolts of pain.

He learned his lesson and afterwards scavenged the trash containers in surrounding area for materials to keep him warm. Clothes and blankets he discovered were, unfortunately, covered in snow, which soaked through the materials and Castiel doubted they’d provide much help.

Still, he wasn’t about to give up, so he collected a metal barrel, broken chunks of wooden furniture and several fairly dry newspapers, and carried them all to the supply closet at the warehouse. It was a long process as he had to work with numb fingers and damp materials, but he eventually managed to start a fire. He was so happy about it that he chuckled in relief. Once he brought even more wood and was certain that the small fireplace he started wouldn’t go out, he hung blankets and clothes above it to melt the thin coating of snow, then dry them out. It took an entire day before he was satisfied with the results, but that night he curled under the warm blankets, heat bursting from the barrel next to his head, and sleeping more comfortably.

Instead of being bothered by cold or discomfort, he was plagued by nightmares about Dean and Lisa, both clawed at by dark, oily creatures that dragged them into the fiery pits of Hell. All the while they screamed helplessly toward Castiel to help them. But he wouldn’t. He was the one who tempted them into sin and __pure joy__  swelled his heart as he watched their suffering. This was what he was made for and he __embraced__ his nature wholeheartedly.

He woke up with a scream to a dim supply closet and chilly air, the fire had gone out during the night.

The omega hadn’t had a repeat of the nightmares, but two days later he still could __see__ the images of Dean and Lisa fighting against the demons, __hear__ their screams of agony as fire __scorched__ their skin, sending unmistakable stench of burning flesh toward Castiel. More horrifyingly, though, he could __feel__ that sensation of accomplishment and happiness as he watched from the side. It refused to leave, always hanging at the back of his mind like Mother’s voice, awaiting the right moment to resurface and overtake his actions.

Castiel closed his eyes and pressed both palms against them, until white speckles started dancing behind his eyelids accompanied by dull throbbing. Pain was his only distraction for the past few days. He didn’t spare a thought to the bruises and split lip marring his face. Ruining the face that tempted so many people was the righteous thing to do.

When he was positive that his mind cleared enough for him to focus on the task at hand, Castiel resumed searching through the back alley close to the warehouse he lived in. He managed to find a broken chair made entirely out of wood, which barely hung together and shook under his touch. Castiel had to throw it hard on the ground for it to completely fall apart. He collected split pieces and with an armful he headed back toward the warehouse, mindful of not putting much pressure of his growing belly.

Frozen patches of snow and sand, strewn around by street cleaners, crunched under his sneakers. The sky was turning dark and streets lamps (the ones that worked in this neglected part of town anyway) turned on, spilling yellowish light over the sidewalks and streets. As Castiel walked, he saw white puffs of his breath shooting into the cold air and dissolving before his eyes. He felt the sheer cold biting on his face and exposed finger － he needed to search for some gloves － but the thick layer of clothes he put on prevented it from seeping down to his body. His lower back protested from the physical strain after entire day of collecting wood from the area. He was cold and tired, and hungry...

Briefly, his mind latched onto the memory of warm and comfort inside Dean’s apartment, and pity over his own fate flooded Castiel’s heart－

No! It was __his own fault__  that he was back on the streets! He deserved to suffer in this cold, harsh weather!

But the righteous anger hadn’t managed to chase away the self-pity, which clung to his heart, tempting Castiel to re-trace his way back to Dean and the contentment the Alpha brought into his life.

Castiel grit his teeth as those two different emotions fought for dominance. His entire face still ached from the beating he administered three days ago when he first stumbled inside the warehouse, bruises that marred his face having turned an ugly yellow color. Clearly, he had to __repeat__ the punishment. And he’d do it over and over again, until his weak, worthless mind started __listening__ to his commands.

He quickened his pace, determination to cut those poisonous emotions with physical pain pushing him toward the warehouse. His footsteps were the only sounds audible on the deserted street. Finally, he reached his destination, slipping through the broken window－

And promptly freezing in place.

The cold weather numbed his nose and in turn, his sense of smell, making him feel like he went blind in a way. Yet, he still caught an __intense__  stench hanging in the air, a mixture of rot and old sweat. It started where he was standing and trailed deeper into the building. More worryingly, however, it felt __fresh__.

Careful examination of the floor in dim lighting from street lamps revealed to Castiel imprints of human footsteps, which headed the same way as the stench did.

Someone was here with him.

Any emotions that followed Castiel toward the warehouse vanished in an instant, replaced by fear that gripped his chest and heart. Uncertain what to do, he shuffled in place, pressed the chunks of wood to his chest like a shield and looked through the open door of office, but the light reached only so far and the rest of long hallway was sunk in darkness.

Slowly his petrified mind started working again. __Everything__  he possessed was down there, stocked in the store room. He wouldn’t be able to survive the winter without supplies. More importantly, the __pup__ wouldn’t either.

Maybe whoever was in there searched for a shelter from cold weather much like Castiel did and meant no harm. Maybe they had nothing on their own and needed help. He was condemned to Hell, but he still could show support to that person.

Castiel knelt down, struggling a little due to his growing belly, and quietly placed the chair pieces in the corner. Then he straightened up, took a deep breath to calm down his scared heart and headed toward the store room. Instinctually, he put both palms protectively over the pup.

As he got closer and saw warm light cast by the fire slipping through the crack in the door, he heard shuffling and furious mumbling. Were there __two__  people inside, arguing about something? But he could only distinguish one voice. Worry gripped harder on his heart and he carefully looked inside the room.

The stench of rot and old sweat saturated the air, nearly choking Castiel. On the ground, with his back facing Castiel, knelt a man dressed in a coat ripped in several places, and smudged pants and shoes that were falling apart. From underneath a woolen hat peaked a mop of unkempt, gray hair. The man had clearly been homeless for a long period of time, possibly years, and Castiel would have had a deep sympathy for him, if the stranger wasn’t scavenging through his bag, __throwing__  food out on the floor. Those supplies were supposed to last Castiel for at least a week before he had to worry about finding anything in trash containers! He was fine with __sharing__ , but this man was __destroying__  everything in the process!

“Sir!” Castiel cried out in horror.

The stranger snapped his head back and his wild eyes zeroed-in on Castiel. His face was marred with wrinkles and cuts, and covered in bushy, long beard. A deep growl that came from his throat sent shivers down Castiel’s spine and he stared as the man bared rotten, black teeth in warning. Immediately, he knew that he was facing an Alpha.

For a moment Castiel hesitated, but then he remembered that he __needed__ that food (or what’s left of it) for the pup’s sake. “Sir, those are mine,” he stated.

“It’s __mine__!” the stranger shouted, snapping upright. He wobbled on his legs and had to support himself on the wall.

Castiel took a step backwards, both hands wrapped protectively over the round belly. Despite fear telling him to let it go and run away, he continued: “I can share some food with you, but－”

In response the stranger __lunged__  forward, __roaring__  in rage.

Castiel snapped to the side and started running toward the exit, nearly slipping on the dirty floor and bumping into the walls. His heart __hammered__  inside his chest like a terrified bird, sending hot waves through his entire body. All he could think about was the pup, that helpless being he had to protect.

Screams from the mad Alpha followed him down the darkened hallways: “I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU! I’LL BASH YOUR FUCKING HEAD IN!”

Nearly tripping on the bare window frame, Castiel jumped outside and __rushed__  ahead, heedless of the cold air __blasting__  in his face and the __throbbing__  pain in lower back. He kept running and running, taking random turns, struggling to put as much distance between himself and the enraged Alpha as possible.

Finally, he ran out of strength and simply stopped in the middle of street, gasping for air. As he regained his breath, Castiel became aware that he was covered in sweat that was quickly freezing in the frigid temperatures, making him feel colder than before. And his lower back felt like it was on fire from pain.

He had no idea where he was and had no supplies to survive the night. He scanned the surrounding area and noticed tall, residential buildings, which were in good shape. It didn’t provide any comfort, though. Shivering from the overwhelming cold, Castiel stumbled into a back alley, sat down on a stack of discarded cardboard boxes and enveloped both arms around his belly. Tears streamed from his eyes, but he made no attempt to wipe them off nor to punish himself.

Instead he wept over his own fate; a social outcast, lost and beyond hope.

Over Dean and Lisa’s unwarranted suffering he had a hand in.

Over the little life growing inside him, cursed to be born by such a filthy creature.

And over the homeless Alpha he ran away from, hopeless and desperate like Castiel, driven to such carnal madness by hunger and loneliness.

Castiel’s heart burst with __misery__. He wished he could help everyone, __soothe__  their pain, but he was only capable of spreading destruction and poison. So he cried in that cold, dark night until exhaustion won out and he fell into a restless sleep…

 

_Tears filled his eyes, threatening to spill over any second. He struggled to hold them back by focusing on the sloshing of wine in the glass and the ticking of the clock on the fireplace mantel. As always he stood in the middle of living room and stared at the carpet, unable to lift his head to meet Mother’s gaze._

_He knew what he’d see: Mother sitting on the armchair, steadily swirling wine in her glass, watching him silently until she was ready to say something. That bitter stare, like she was scrutinizing her greatest failure._

_Of course, he was one._

_“Your Father was a coward when he abandoned us,” Mother’s voice came suddenly, cutting through the silence like a whip, “but I’m starting to recognize the validity of his decision.”_

_Some part of Castiel was aware that he was asleep, reliving old memories from his childhood. Yet, the pain he felt after Mother’s words was as real as it was nearly ten years ago, cutting deeply into his heart and stealing his breath. Despite his resolve to stay calm and accept Mother’s words as another punishment for presenting the wrong way, he sobbed quietly, his thirteen year old chest shaking with emotions._

_“The past year I had to take care of you was the worst one of my entire life,” Mother spat. Castiel could feel disgust radiating from her eyes. How much he wished he would turn out to be an Alpha like his older brothers. They were Mother’s pride and joy, and kept a smile of her face from the moment they presented, until that horrible night when Castiel went into heat, irreversibly ruining their lives._

_If it wasn’t for him, Father wouldn’t have left and Mother wouldn’t face the humiliation of having to raise a male Omega._

_The sound of sipping reached him and he knew Mother took another drink of wine. When she spoke again, her voice was lower from the alcohol: “I cannot fathom why I was the one cursed with a male Omega for a son. I always was a faithful Christian. But I shall carry this weight for as long as I manage to show God that I’m worthy of His mercy.”_

_Pain in his chest became unbearable. He heard regret and bitterness in Mother’s words, and he wanted to sooth her suffering somehow. Thus, for the first time ever he interrupted her monologue: “I’m sorry...” he wailed. “I’m sorry for causing you pain. I know that you hate me--”_

_A sudden laughter cut him off and Castiel snapped his eyes to Mother in utter shock. She was dressed in a robe thrown over her nightgown, her hair, normally clipped together in a tight bun, was in disarray and eyes were bloodshot due to heavy drinking. But she kept giggling like she heard a good joke and the wine she held swirled inside the glass, getting dangerously close to spilling over the rim._

_“No,” she said once she calmed down. “I don’t hate you, Castiel. I pity you.” Mother leaned more comfortably in the armchair and stared deep into his eyes as if she wanted him to truly pay attention to whatever she was about to say. “Everything you touch withers and dies. That’s your only purpose in life, to bring destruction into this world. You have already damaged our family. Now Michael and Lucifer will have to grow up without Father. Yes, I might be suffering right now, but one day my suffering will be rewarded with eternal salvation. But you...” A content smile stretched Mother’s lips. “You will go to Hell and become nothing more than a stain in our memories.”_

_The image of Mother turned blurry and Castiel felt tears wetting his cheeks. His heart stopped beating and shattered into thousand pieces as the truth in Mother’s words sunk._

_Everything he touch withers and dies._

_Everything..._

_...dies..._

 

 

 

He woke up with a gasp.

For a moment he didn’t know where he was nor why he regained consciousness so abruptly. Slowly his mind started registering outside impulses again. Yellowish light provided by a street lamp was the only thing that chased away the darkness closing in on him. Each breath felt cold in his throat. Despite that, his body was hot, covered in thick layer of sweat.

Taking in his surroundings, Castiel recalled that he was in the back alley, curled next to a garbage container on a flattened cardboard boxes. Then he remembered the enraged Alpha who attacked him and he jerked upright, afraid that the man would jump out from the main street. However, the entrance to back alley was clear and not a single worrying sound nor smell reached Castiel. In spite of that he still felt uneasy. __Dread__  filled Castiel thoroughly as if someone hollowed out his entire body and poured it inside the remaining shell.

The shift in position made Castiel realize the bottom of his pants was wet. Has he urinated under himself by accident? No, his bladder appeared to be full.

Suddenly, a __gut-wrenching pain__  shot through his abdomen.

Castiel curled into a ball, __gasping__  for air.

Burning sensation like something was trying to __rip__  its way out of his body overpowered everything else: the cold air, the darkness of night.

Just as unexpectedly as it appeared, the pain ceased, leaving behind a throbbing memory of its power and a new coating of sweat on Castiel’s skin.

 _ _Dear Lord__ , what was __happening__?

Part of Castiel instinctively knew the answer, but his mind didn’t even dare to form it into fully realized thoughts. Still, he had to check. Find out if he was right.

Carefully, he struggled into standing position, his legs shaking from the effort. He unwrapped one arm from around his abdomen, reached back inside his pants and felt around his buttocks.

It was __wet__.

The clawing dread became full blown panic and Castiel’s heart nearly stopped as he pulled the hand out to examine his fingers in the street light.

 _ _Blood__. His fingers were covered in __blood__.

He __screamed__.

The sound of his terror resounded around him in this quiet winter night, bouncing from the close walls of back alley and multiplying in the process. Castiel stumbled on his legs and struggled to breath. The red glimmer of blood on his fingertips shined in the faint light like an accusation.

Another contraction __ripped__ through his abdomen and he clearly recognized what it was now. The last struggles of his pup to stay __alive__.

__No, no, no! God Almighty, please, no!_ _

Working against the increasing waves of pain, Castiel limped out of the back alley. He paused on the main street to look up and down its length, unsure where to go, what to do, but knowing that he had to act fast! Every second wasted weakened the pup’s chances of survival, so he picked a random direction and started walking there.

Each step caused him to nearly fall down on the pavement from exhaustion, each breath of cold air __cut__  his throat and __burned__  his lungs. Thoughts vanished from his mind except for the driving need to find help, which pushed him ahead. As he ventured deeper into the winter night, he kept both arms wrapped protectively around his hurting belly, desperately holding onto the little light that brightened the shadows of his existence and gave him a will to continue living. __Just a couple more minutes. Please, hold on for a couple of minutes.__ He didn’t even notice tears streaming down his cheeks and jaw, falling from his chin onto the front of his jacket.

Sharp thudding cut through the silence of night. Castiel almost missed it, probably would have if he didn’t pause to lean against a street lamp and regain some strength. He cried in joy when he looked up and saw a woman heading in his direction. Covered in thick layer of clothes, she walked fast in her high heels and eyed Castiel suspiciously as she got closer, only to stare back ahead a moment later.

“Please...” Castiel begged, his throat hoarse from crying and cold. “Please, I need help... My pup... It’s dying...”

But the woman passed him without acknowledging his presence again. She reached the crossroad, took a turn and disappeared behind the corner of a residential building. The steady thudding of her heels grew quieter and soon vanished completely, leaving Castiel in dead silence.

Freezing darkness surrounded Castiel from all sides and pressed on his sweaty skin, a dreadful contrast to the burning pain wrecking his body. The next contraction diverted his attention from the point where his only potential help vanished and caused him to continue his journey, to search for someone who’d save the pup, never mind Castiel himself.

Mother’s voice echoed in Castiel’s mind like a taunt as he passed by crossroads and buildings, not a single soul in sight. ‘ _ _Everything you touch withers and dies__ ’. No, this couldn’t end like that! He had to give birth to the pup and baptize it! Save it from eternal damnation it was condemned to — through no fault of its own, but for being conceived by a male Omega.

Blood leaked out of him, wetting the bottom of his pants and the inside of his legs. It froze quickly and the stiffened material scratched against his bare skin. There was __so much__  blood he could smell it in spite the cold temperature that numbed his nose and weakened his sense of smell.

The fear __choking__  Castiel’s heart, the pain __ripping__  his body to shreds, the blood loss... Strength was rapidly seeping out of him and Castiel struggled to move. He started making his way from one lamp post to another, pausing at each to catch breath and letting his shaking legs calm down. He __dreaded__  the moment when he would lose the ability to move, collapse on top of the freezing pavement, and feel the pup dying, helpless to do anything.

As he stopped again, held onto the cold metal of a lamp and breathed steadily, he spotted a __familiar__  building ahead. It was only several stories tall, but wide, both of its ends stretching so far along the street that Castiel couldn’t find energy to even find out how far they actually reached. A large parking lot, currently empty, separated Castiel from the main entrance. Three white vans stood in front of the building. Why was it familiar, though?

Castiel fought against the haze enveloping his mind to search his memories. He wasn’t sure __why__ , but it felt important to do. Slowly a recollection of him walking through the parking lot toward a beautiful, black car faded into clarity. Yes, he was following Dean, his brother and Lisa to Impala, so Dean could take him to the apartment for the very first－

Jolt of hope rocked Castiel’s heart.

 _ _Hospital__. The one he laid down in a month ago.

A new surge of strength and determination filled Castiel. He pushed away from the lamp post and headed to the main entrance as fast as he could.

The automatic door slid open before him, letting Castiel inside the warm, brightly lit emergency room. He maneuvered between rows of seats and walked toward the reception desk. A middle-aged nurse sat behind it, typing on a computer, and a few steps away a tall doctor with his back turned to Castiel talked on a cell phone.

“I’m worried about him too, but there’s nothing else he can do,” the doctor said to his caller and Castiel faltered. That __voice__... “You’re heard what cops said, Dean. He left on his own accord and they can’t force him to return.”

 _ _Sam__! That was _ _Sam Winchester__ , Dean’s brother!

The nurse at reception desk finally noticed Castiel and rose from the seat, professional concern growing on her face. However, Castiel ignored her and turned to Sam, feeling the pull in his heart guiding him to the safety and comfort on Dean’s relative.

“Sam...” he wheezed out, barely able to speak from exhaustion.

Miraculously, Sam heard him anyway and glanced back, showing his face to confirm that it was indeed him. In short instant Sam’s confusion was replaced by surprise, then shock as his eyes ventured down Castiel’s bloodied pants. “Cas?!” Sam said. He ended the call, slid the phone into his lab coat’s pocket and rushed to Castiel. “My God, Cas, what happened?”

Another contraction grasped his abdomen in tight drip and __squeezed__  mercilessly.  “The pup... It’s...” was all he managed before the pain overshadowed everything else and he collapsed, falling into Sam’s strong arms.

Then there was a __chaos__  of voices, people fluttering around Castiel and asking question he could barely find strength to answer.

 

In the end none of their efforts would matter. Doctors were helpless to save the pup, but it wasn’t their fault. ‘ _ _Everything you touch withers and dies.__ ’ Mother said so when he was only thirteen and nearly ten years later, after trying to deny it and change his fate, Castiel finally accepted those words as the truth. The last light of hope that kept him alive vanishedand Castiel fell into impenetrable darkness. That's where he was meant to be.


	16. Over the Edge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Over the edge" - entering into an mental or emotional state when someone completely loses control, according to Merriam-Webster dictionary. While naming this chapter I had no idea how FITTING the title is.
> 
> The chapter proved to be quite troublesome to write, but once I got a hang of it, it went lighting fast. As far as I can tell, this is the longest chapter in entire story and one of the most important. I'll admit, I had a teary eye on several occasions during the working process and I'm satisfied with how it ended in the end.
> 
> Chapter edited by MrsDeanWinchester87. Big thanks to her for the help!

Fear defined the majority of Castiel’s life.

His early childhood memories of growing up in a strict, but loving family were carefree in nature and in later years he reminisced about them with painful longing. Mother ensured to teach Castiel and his two brothers the Christian moral code and Father, despite his emotional distance, provided for them financially. Both Michael and Lucifer kept Castiel company, engaging him in various games and helping him with homework.

Then one faithful day Father left for work and never returned. At the time none of them could rationalize what had happened, why he abandoned them, what they did wrong? However, three years later an answer to all those questions came when Castiel presented as a male Omega. Immediately Mother understood that Father was ashamed of having someone like him for a son. Castiel remembered the suffering Father’s disappearance caused him and the tears he spilled over it, sobbing quietly under his duvet in the quiet of night, not wanting to be caught by Mother who forbade them to ever speak of their Father again. Most importantly, though, he remembered the anguish reflecting in Mother’s and his brothers’ eyes. The knowledge that he was the source of their pain was unbearable.

From that point on, fear became a permanent fixture of his life.

__Fear of Mother’s punishments._ _

Castiel’s demonic nature meant that he was much harder to control and thus every single misstep on his part, no matter how minor, was __mercilessly__ disciplined. Sometimes he still ended up with scars like when he tried fingering himself during the first heat to relieve the burning sensation and Mother put a stop to it.

__Fear of rejection from other people._ _

Michael and Lucifer started avoiding Castiel after his presentation, completely disinterested in helping him lead a moral life the way Mother did. It hurt to witness his two beloved brothers suddenly shunning him. More and more members of their little community followed suit, making clear to Castiel that as male Omega he wasn’t welcome anymore to spend time with them. Only a selected few, like Father Joshua and Father Inias, still talked to him and Castiel was __terrified__ of losing even this small semblance of human interaction.

But most importantly, __Castiel feared his own nature__.

He was sin incarnated, brought to life by demons who used him as a vessel to spread misery around the world. And every three months for three days he felt the hellish origins burning inside him, demanding victims and trying to lure innocent Alphas to corruption. Castiel spent __years__ struggling to fight against that nature, scared to lose the battle one day and turn into a drooling, mindless monster concerned only with finding a new knot.

That last fear came true and yet, a small, tiny part of Castiel continued on believing that he could change the fate somehow, maybe even earn eternal salvation. He hadn’t realized it consciously at the time, but his decision to undergo therapy and repay Dean by doing housework was an attempt to start over. The Bible said that everyone deserved a second chance if they regretted their sins, so why shouldn’t Castiel have such opportunity? With Dean’s supportive presence by his side it was easy for Castiel to pretend like he finally escaped his poisonous nature.

How foolish of him.

Indeed, fear tainted Castiel’s entire life from the moment he presented as a monster, choking any potential happiness he could find. It always remained in his mind － sometimes successfully pushed into the darkest, deepest corner but never silenced － waiting for the right moment to whisper vicious words in Mother’s voice that reminded him of the inescapable reality.

Finally, it was __gone__.

Castiel laid in the hospital bed with his head sunk in a thick pillow and body covered by comforter that was rough to the touch just like he remembered it from his last visit here. Once in awhile the sounds of measured footsteps echoing down the hallway or muffled coughing coming through the walls, spoiled the quiet atmosphere of night. None of those bothered Castiel too much.

He felt as if he was floating in space, pitch black and unchanging. In the past he’d find such sensation to be a terrifying reminder of damnation awaiting him. Now, it gave him __peace__ instead. Strange how accepting the horrible truth about himself allowed Castiel to achieve the harmony he was desperately searching for his entire life. So much wasted time, so much wasted energy in vain attempt to escape from inevitable fate. If he had embraced it earlier, he’d have spared suffering to countless people who had misfortune of meeting him.

Normally, the recollection of past sins would cause a crushing guilt to appear in Castiel’s heart, choking breath out of him. However, right now he felt like a protective bubble surrounded him from all sides, preventing negative sensations from reaching him. Guilt. Pain. Regret.

He supposed he should be more distraught over the traumatic events he went through only an hour earlier. After he was put down on a stretcher and rushed to emergency room, Dr. Moseley showed up, out of breath like she run from the other side of hospital to see him. She had performed a quick examination. Castiel still remembered the agony that pierced him and the burning tears streaming down his cheeks when she announced that the little ray of light that kept him going for past five months was __dead__ and there was __nothing__ they could do about it. He was barely given a minute or two for the news to sink in before Dr. Moseley informed him that he’d still have to give birth to remove the fetus from his womb, which she assured would be an easy procedure, since it hadn’t developed fully.

 _ _Fetus__. Not “pup” anymore. Just a small amount of flesh that needed to be removed. From Dr. Moseley’s gentle voice and sympathetic expression Castiel concluded that she was trying to make the whole situation as painless for him as possible. It didn’t help. Nothing could ease Castiel’s misery.

Because he __failed__. He failed to deliver the pup and baptize it, so now its soul was condemned to Hell, burning for eternity as a punishment for __Castiel’s__ sins.

Thanks to the medication a nurse gave him Castiel didn’t feel much physical pain and in fifteen minutes, it was over. Dr. Moseley attempted to keep the pup out of Castiel’s view, but he caught a glimpse of that tiny body, dead and unmoving. The pup he had spent months protecting, taking care of... wishing it was __gone__.

Had __he__ caused this?

Stupid question. ‘ _ _Everything you touch withers and dies__ ’. Of course it was his fault. The poison running through his body __killed__ the pup.

It was at that precise moment something __snapped__ inside Castiel. He could feel every single emotion that haunted him his entire life － fear, despair, loneliness － draining out of him until only his physical body was left behind. Along with them disappeared the dreams of finding happiness and achieving salvation, those naive desires that he believed gave his life meaning when in reality they held him stuck in this material world, miserable and frustrated.

As Castiel wallowed about his pup’s death, he awaited sadness to choke his heart. But it hadn’t come and the peace filled his entire being. He was truly __free__.

Soft knocking from close by snapped Castiel out of the slumber he found himself in. He opened eyes to see Sam Winchester hovering in the entrance, unsure if he should come inside, a shy smile brightening his features in dim hospital.

Pleasant warmth appeared in Castiel’s chest, although dull, almost like it was reaching him from outside rather than from his own body. “Sam...” he murmured, his throat still dry from the night’s events. A nurse gave him a cup of water to drink, but the moisture didn’t last. “Hello, Sam,” He moved his head to have a better view of Sam, which proved to be challenging. Whether it was from his overwhelming night or medications, he was very sluggish.

“Hi, Cas,” Sam greeted. “May I come in?”

Once again acting like Castiel had any right to tell other people what to do. It was pointless to fight it anymore. “Of course,” he assured and gave an encouraging smile.

After a brief hesitation Sam stepped in, pausing by Castiel’s bed and looking down at him with utmost sympathy. “How are you feeling?” he asked. “Physically,” he added quickly. “The medications we’ve given you should be holding up for several more hours, but if you feel any pain, we can administer another dose.”

The answer was that he felt good, both physically and emotionally. Castiel believed that a normal reaction to everything he went through during the past hours would be to feel miserable and broken, but he __didn’t__.

“I’m well, Sam,” Castiel assured. “You don’t have to worry about me.”

“But I do,” Sam insisted. “And not just because it’s my job.” He paused, briefly looking away from Castiel and licking his lips in hesitation. When he once again glanced at Castiel, he still appeared uncertain. “Dean told me that you’ve been treated poorly by your family and neighbors for presenting as a male Omega. He probably shouldn’t have and I get if you’re angry about it, but we always supported each other and he... I guess he really needed that at the time.”

Sam paused and awaited for Castiel’s reaction, any scorn for discussing such private matters behind his back. With a calm acceptance Castiel discovered the dread that bothered him whenever his past was brought up, wasn’t coming, not this time. The protective bubble around him held strong.

Realizing that he wouldn’t be chastised, Sam cautiously continued: “If there’s anything I can do to ease things for you somehow, just tell me, okay?”

Castiel gave a noncommittal grunt. From Sam’s scent, hardly noticeable under the stench of cleaning chemicals permeating the entire hospital, he picked up a genuine concern for his well-being, but had no intention of using it to change his current predicament. There was no point. Everything he had tried up until then confirmed what Mother had said all along. He could only destroy.

“I called Pam,” Sam revealed and it took a moment before Castiel remembered that he was talking about Dr. Barnes, his mate. “She was very concerned when she’d heard what happened and offered to make room for a session with you, free of charge, as soon as you’re able to leave the hospital.”

Memories of Dr. Barnes’s casual behavior, her comfortable office and soothing scent of aloe vera all flashed in Castiel’s mind, but they weren’t followed by warm sensation nor regret. __Nothing__ disturbed the peace filling Castiel. Although Dr. Barnes truly wanted to help him, there was no way to heal Castiel’s stained soul and he comprehended that now.

“I appreciate the offer and I’d like you to thank her in my name,” Castiel responded, “but I have to turn it down. It would be a waste of her time. I’m not someone whom therapy can help.”

Concern colored Sam’s features and the doctor stared at Castiel with an expression that reminded him of a kicked puppy. Even that failed to break Castiel out of the protective bubble.

“Cas.” His name sounded strained when Sam spoke it. “You do realize what happened to the pup was not your fault?”

A carefree chuckle slipped from Castiel’s throat, surprising Sam. “Of course it was,” Castiel acknowledged.

As he should have expected by now from people in Dean’s social circle, Sam immediately rushed ahead to make excuses for him: “That’s not true! Dr. Moseley claimed the pregnancy was already high risk back when she examined－”

“You don’t have to lie on my behalf,” Castiel interrupted calmly. “I’m not in emotional distress, Sam. I’m alright.”

That was the moment his words finally registered in Sam’s mind, not just as something he said, but as a statement of __fact__ and the Beta searched his face for any hints of a lie. However, all he saw was a reassuring smile dancing on Castiel’s lips and honesty filling his eyes. Slowly the disbelief melted away to be replaced by shocked acceptance.

A lengthy silence stopped their conversation. Sam shifted in place, staring into space over Castiel’s bed and contemplating what he’d heard. From a room down the hallway came a muffled cough.

In the end it was Castiel who resumed the dialogue. “Sam, I realize it’s not my place to ask about such private matters,” he started, bringing Sam’s attention back to himself, “but tell me, are you and Dr. Barnes, or Pamela, happy together?”

He wasn’t quite sure why he asked. There was a sudden desire to know inside his heart, faint but noticeable through the surrounding numbness. Maybe it was related to Dean and Lisa’s break-up. Although he wasn’t hurting anymore over it, a part of him __needed__ to know that Sam and his mate were doing well despite his presence poisoning everything else around them.

Sam blinked in surprise at the radical change in topic, but he quickly recovered. Instead of telling Castiel that it indeed wasn’t his place to ask, he answered: “Yes, we’re very happy.”

“How long have you been in a relationship?”

“We started dating three years ago, around the same time...” Sam stopped for a moment. ‘ _ _Around the same time when Dean and Lisa did__ ’ remained unsaid, but Castiel figured it out. After clearing his throat, Sam finished: “We started dating three years ago and got married a years ago.” Of course. As Beta couple they would get married, a ceremony that required them to exchange two rings that symbolized their love for each other, rather than mating the way Alphas did with Omegas.

Castiel glanced at Sam’s left hand － or were the rings put on right one? It’s been a long time since he witnessed Beta wedding － but in dim lighting he wasn’t able to see any band.

“I’m sure you’ll remain together for the rest of your lives,” Castiel commented. “You’re both kind people and deserve happiness.”

“You do too, Cas,” Sam insisted.

Castiel closed his eyes and shook his head in resignation rather than denial. No matter how much he assured that he was fine and didn’t deserve sympathy, Dean and everyone else the Alpha knew __insisted__ on treating him like a normal person, someone whose feelings and well-being were important. At this point it would serve no purpose to deny, so Castiel decided to ignore the remark and glanced back at Sam. A sadness shadowed Sam’s features more than the darkness of night did.

“You should rest now,” Sam said. “My shift ends at 9AM. I’ll drop by and we’ll continue talking then, okay?”

“Absolutely,” Castiel agreed. It was a pure lie and he didn’t intend to keep this promise, but seeing Sam’s expression soften as some of the worry disappeared was worth it. Of course, he was condemned to Hell either way, so he didn’t have to concern himself with avoiding sin and such a small one wouldn’t affect Sam’s soul.

Sam lingered a moment longer and looked like he wanted to say something else, he even opened his mouth to do so, but ultimately changed his mind. With an accepting nod, he turned around and headed to the exit. He was almost out when he paused in the doorway and glanced again toward Castiel. “Oh, one more thing. Dean is coming to see you. Can I let him in?”

For the first time in an hour small holes opened in the protective bubble surrounding Castiel and various emotions started slipping through them. Guilt over destroying Dean’s relationship with Lisa. Pain over not being able to see Dean anymore. Not being able to hear his deep, warm voice nor smell his soothing scent. The hour of relief he was given had left his heart raw and more vulnerable than before, making those sensations far worse.

Choking slightly as he took a breath in, Castiel forced those holes to shut, but it didn’t help, because his heart was already aching.

“No,” he denied. “No, I __can’t__... I don’t want to see him.”

 

***

 

Dean could hardly breath from nerves. ‘ _ _Meet me in the ER reception__ ’ Sam said, obliging to bring him news about Cas’s health. What he hadn’t mentioned was the fact that he’d taken his __sweet time__  getting there! And so Dean spent the last forty minutes in one of those uncomfortable plastic chairs, fighting a growing urge to just say fuck it to Sam’s promise and search for Cas on his own, regardless of consequences.

Leaning the back of his head against the wall, Dean watched discreetly as another doctor and two nurses placated a crying teenage Beta. The girl was brought in a minute earlier by an ambulance to the sound of sirens, which were replaced by her sobbing and lamenting how much her leg hurt. From where he was resting and with hospital staff flocking around the patient, Dean could only see flashes of the pajama material covering her right leg, completely soaked in blood. However, he was still able to smell the metallic stench even at such distance.

Was Cas in similar state? Was the pup okay? What happened that the Omega had to be admitted to the hospital again?

The sobbing grew louder when the staff moved her stretcher in Dean’s direction towards the operating rooms. The girl’s cries slowly dissipated as she was taken deeper along the long hallway. Her parents and their frantic explanations of how the daughter wanted to have a drink in the middle of night, but fell down the stairs, followed after them. Soon a silence, broken only by the nurse at reception desk typing calmly on the computer, filled the emergency room once more and Dean had nothing else to distract him from the guilt squeezing his chest during the wait for Sam.

The last three days since Cas ran away were pure Hell.

On Wednesday evening, shortly before he was about to leave work for the day, he received call from a concerned Pam who informed him that Cas hadn’t showed up for his session and she wanted to make sure he was alright. Dean hadn’t suspected anything amiss, but a chilly sensation seeped through his stomach even while he assured Pam that Cas had probably forgotten and that he’d call her back once he checked on him.

At half past eight he stepped inside a dark apartment deprived of familiar things he started associating with it: scent of fresh dinner, noises coming from the kitchen and most importantly Cas’s natural aroma. That last part was most alarming. The smell of apple pie and cinnamon was stale, like Cas hadn’t been in there for the past several hours. Full on panic set in Dean’s guts and he rushed around the apartment, looking inside every room and calling Cas’s name in increasingly worried tone. Finally, he found the note on kitchen table and his worst fears were confirmed.

Cas was __gone__.

To be frank, Dean blanked out. At work he could keep his head clear no problem, but when someone important to him － and there was no doubt that he became deeply attached to Cas and the pup － was in serious troubles, he needed time to actually think what to do. His first thought was to call Sam, which proved to be a correct one, because Sam advised him to report a missing person to the police and he’d even gone as far as to offering to accompany Dean.

Unfortunately, cops weren’t interested in helping out, saying that Cas left on his own free will and they couldn’t __force__ him to return to Dean even if they found him. Law or not, they were talking about a __homeless__ , __pregnant__ dude, but apparently it was enough for them to just shrug off any responsibility. Seriously, if Sam wasn’t there to drag him out, Dean might have socked one of the cops and gotten into even bigger trouble than he was already in.

Thus Dean prepared a missing persons poster on his own, using a photo of Cas he took with his phone during one of those lazy Sundays they had spent watching movies. It was rather blurry, but it was the only one he had, because Cas claimed to feel uncomfortable in front of camera and asked Dean to not photograph him again, so it had to do. Equipped with an entire stack of posters, Dean started hanging them around the city, slowly moving further and further away from the apartment. Pretty much every minute he wasn’t in the office, he had wandered the streets, sticking those goddamned sheets of papers on lamp posts, buildings and fences, and asking anyone he passed by if they saw Cas, to no success.

Whenever he returned to the empty apartment, defeated and no closer to finding Cas, he’d pull a bottle of whisky out and get smashed, for the first time since he was employed at Sandover. The guilt was unbearable and only alcohol gave him a moment of relief.

It was __his__ fault. His fault that Cas ran away and was back on the streets, forced to survive on things he dug out of trash in increasingly harsher weather. The images of Cas laying dead in a ditch somewhere, frozen to death and covered in snow haunted him each night.

He fucking __knew__ about the toxic shit Cas was taught and how gentle he needed to be handled, and yet he still jumped on him like a horny teenager who only cared about getting off. He fucked up __so bad__ , worse than when he cheated on Lisa, but it was __Cas__ who’d paid for his mistakes. With the slim chances of finding the Omega, Dean feared that all he’d have left after him were those horrifying images of Cas and the pup dead, and the knowledge that __he__ was responsible for it.

Whisky became Dean’s only reprieve from the crushing guilt during those days. He would drink until he passed out and then go through the next day barely aware of his surroundings, throbbing pain hammering on the inside of his skull. And all he could think was that he __deserved__ this. During those drunk episodes he took up a custom of nagging Sam with phone calls. Part of him sought out comfort, while the other part wanted to drive Sam up the wall and have him snap, shout in anger and put into words Dean’s thoughts that, __yes__ , it was __his fault__  and __his alone__. But Sam proved to be understanding brother. No matter how late Dean reached out to him nor how long he kept whining, Sam remained supportive. Only sometimes he ended the conversation earlier, claiming to need to take care of patients. That support didn’t ease Dean’s guilt, though. Honestly, he would prefer for Sam to chew him out. Even Pam, when she’d heard what happened, showed astounding patience. “ _ _Let’s focus on finding Castiel,__ ” she decided. “ _ _Then we can talk about what happened.__ ” There was a hint of annoyance in her tone, but she didn’t go all the way, didn’t call Dean for the idiot he was. And she was right, finding Cas was the top priority.

But nearly four days passed without a clue. The missing persons posters proved to be useless as nobody called Dean, despite a hefty reward he offered for any information on Cas’s whereabouts. Dean focused almost exclusively on willing his cell phone to ring, barely able to give any fucks about his new position. He spent years working for this promotion, sacrificed his relationship with Lisa even, and now it was a distant second place of importance to him. Funny, how things in life needed to go to shit for everything to get into proper perspective.

Dean spent an entire Saturday wandering the streets, asking people about Cas and searching inside every back alley, every abandoned building and other possible spots that could provide a shelter he came across. He ignored the gusts of cold wind lashing at his face and simply pulled the scarf higher over his face for protection. Slowly the cold temperature managed to sneak under his thick jacket and his woolen hat became wet with falling snow. Still, he kept searching. The thought that Cas had worse than he did pushed him forward. He wandered around until the sun disappeared behind the horizon, letting the inky cold night overtake the world in a tight embrace and Dean realized that he simply __couldn’t fucking continue__  anymore. Pure exhaustion sent him back to the warm, comfortable apartment to spend the night in, while Cas was stuck in freezing weather outside, all because Dean fucked things up.

That night he drank with no holds barred, since he didn’t have to drag himself to work in the morning. He woke up at 2AM, blurry eyed and thirsty, the stench of cheap whisky permeating the air in living room where he fell unconscious. After he stumbled into the kitchen and dawned a glass of water, he once again picked Sam’s number from phone’s memory. He didn’t know if his brother was up and at the hospital or asleep, but either he’d receive the comfort he needed or Sam would finally shout at him for being a selfish dick.

And it was in the middle of that call when he’d heard Sam say in shocked tone: “ _ _Cas?__ ” before the call abruptly disconnected.

Dean stood in the kitchen for a full minute with phone pressed to his ear, his heart having slowed down to such a pace that it was almost stilled, but he still felt pulse beating dully inside his head as his mind struggled to process what he’d just heard.

Cas.

 _ _Cas__ was at __Sam’s hospital__.

No, no, he had to have __misheard__. Sam was probably speaking to a different patient or another doctor and Dean’s inebriated brain simply distorted the words, because he was so desperate to find the Omega.

That’s why instead of immediately bolting out of the door and heading to the hospital, he tried to contact Sam again. However, his brother was unavailable and Dean was only able to connect to a voice mail. It wasn’t until an hour later that Dean managed to get through to Sam and didn’t bother with small talk when he asked: “Is Cas at the hospital?”

“Yes,” Sam confirmed. “He’s resting right now.”

“I’m coming,” Dean announced, rushing to put the winter clothes on.

“Meet me in the ER reception and I’ll take you to him.”

Getting to the hospital was an excruciatingly slow process. When Dean heard that Cas was there, he wanted to jump inside the Impala and rush without care for speed limits. Not like he’d stumble upon traffic at 3AM. However, he wasn’t in a state to drive and the sense of responsibility won out, so he begrudgingly took a night bus. First, he waited nearly twenty minutes for it to even show up, then it was half an hour before they reached the station near the hospital and he could bolt toward the entrance to emergency room, completely sober from mixture of nerves, cold fresh air and the sheer amount of time that passed since his last drink. But he still slipped and almost landed on his face on the frozen spots in the parking lot.

The moment he stepped inside the hospital, he scanned the reception area for Sam. Of course his brother wasn’t there yet, so Dean fired a text message to him stating that he had arrived and dropped down on a plastic chair, impatiently looking out for any sign of Sam.

It had been fifteen minutes and Dean was __sick__ of waiting just to get any confirmation that Cas was okay. Or worse, that he __wasn’t__. Many scenarios rushed through his head: Cas was brought here unconscious and with hypothermia; he was attacked by some psycho, because there’s a lot of dangerous bastards preying on the weak and vulnerable; or, the possibility that repeated the most in Dean’s mind, that __Cas__ did something to __himself__. Over the past four days Dean repeatedly returned to memories of that Sunday a month ago when Cas tried to claw his face off and afterwards claimed it to be punishment for his sinful nature. He said it so __calmly__ , in such __matter-of-fact manner__  that Dean was never more scared for anyone in his entire life.

Who knew what Cas would deem a suitable punishment in this situation? And regardless of what it was, Dean was at fault here. Any injuries Cas sustained during his stay on the streets, whether self-made or not, were Dean’s responsibility. Because he couldn’t control himself like an adult Alpha.

The guilt pressed harder on his chest, causing Dean to lean forward and hide his face in both his hands, elbows resting on his knees. He rubbed his palms against his eyes trying to get rid of the horrible images of Cas’s fate that quickly spun through his head like some kind of twisted slot machine. He didn’t know which image it would stop on and feared finding out.

The echoing footsteps brought Dean’s attention from the grim thoughts to the long hallway leading from emergency room. Glancing up he saw Sam heading toward him. He was immediately on his feet, rushing to meet Sam halfway. The serious expression darkening Sam’s features didn’t make Dean feel confident. He couldn’t read much from Sam’s scent. As a doctor he was trained to not let emotions seep into his scent, save for professional concern and calmness, to prevent them from affecting patients in negative way.

With a sinking heart Dean stopped right in front of Sam and stammered: “What the hell happened? How’s Cas?”

Sam faltered, looking over Dean’s shoulder at the nurse sitting behind reception desk (whom Dean couldn’t give less fucks about right now) and put a hand on Dean’s arm, guiding him further away where nobody would hear them talk. Dean gritted his teeth, seething, trying to stop from demanding Sam to just __fucking answer the goddamned question__  that pressed on his lips. He bit his tongue though, because he was aware that Sam would be violating doctor-patient confidentiality by giving out Cas’s information without proper authorization, which was highly illegal. And that’s why he allowed himself to be dragged to a remote corner.  The moment they were out of anyone’s view, he shot: “Spit it out, Sam.”

“Cas came here on his own about two hours ago with strong contractions and bleeding,” Sam explained, which didn’t clear things much for Dean. Only the word ‘ _ _bleeding__ ’ was understandable to him and he felt cold dread seeping inside his chest to envelop his heart in a chilly cocoon.

At Dean’s lost and worried expression Sam continued softly: “He miscarried, Dean. The pup died before Cas even got here.”

Even though Sam spoke calmly and quietly, barely above whisper, Dean took a step back as if he screamed accusingly at him.

Cas lost his pup when he went back to living on the streets in harsh, unfriendly weather, attempting to run away from what took place between him and Dean, run away from the pain they both had caused to Lisa.

“Is it my fault?” those words slipped out without Dean making a conscious choice to speak them out loud.

“No,” Sam rushed to assured. “Dr. Moseley claimed it would have happened sooner or later.” He paused and exhaled loudly. ”Even if living on the streets for four days had any effect, it only accelerated the process. Cas would have lost the pup regardless. It wasn’t your fault, Dean. In fact...” This time Sam went silent for so long that Dean lifted his eyes to look at him. The worried expression from before deepened. “Cas believes he’s responsible.”

Of course the stupid son of a bitch would blame himself. The lies he was fed completely warped his sense of self-worth and reality. He blamed himself for things that were out of his control! He spent months fighting for the pup’s life with no help from his shitty family or anyone else for that matter. Seriously, it was a miracle he kept the pup alive for as long as he did.

The guilt hadn’t disappeared completely, but it became subdued as pity for Cas and the unfairness of his life took the bulk of space in Dean’s heart. None of it was fair considering how selfless and kind the Omega was.

But now Cas was safe and Dean could attempt to fix the whole mess somehow. Or at least give Cas support he deserved.

“Can I see him now or do I have to wait until later?” Dean asked.

“I talked with Cas about it...” Sam revealed, suddenly looking uncomfortable. “He said he doesn’t want to see you, so I can’t let you in.”

Dean lost his voice for a moment. Was Cas blaming him after all? No, that didn’t make sense in the context of what Sam said. It took only a couple of seconds for Dean to figure out where the problem lied.

“Don’t give me that bullshit, Sam!” His brother opened mouth to say something, most likely to protest, but Dean had none of it. “You __know__ why he doesn’t want to see me! He thinks he’s some sort of monster and that my break-up with Lisa was his fault! He thinks that him getting __gang-raped__  was his fault! I __told__ you about the crap he was taught about himself and you’re just going to let him stew in this?!”

Despite Dean’s accusatory tone, Sam remained calm, not a sting of anger polluted his scent. The kid was always predisposed to became a doctor. “Even if that’s true, I can’t let you in when he __explicitly__ stated that he doesn’t want to see you.”

The hospital rules meant absolutely fucking shit to Dean at the moment. This wasn’t just about easing his own guilt by seeing Cas was safe with his own two eyes, but also about Cas and his well-being. Who knew what terrible ideas he’d get inside his head in the time he’d spent there, __especially__ after the pup’s death. Sure, Cas didn’t want to keep it, but he fought fiercely for its right to live, so in some way it was important to him.

Dean grabbed firmly onto Sam’s arms to give more weight to what he was going to say. “Sam, you’ve got to let me see him.” When he felt Sam trying to step away, he hardened the grip and forced him to stay in place. “I’m not asking you as Cas’s friend or doctor, I’m asking as your __brother__. You know I’m not out to harm Cas. I just want to help him and if anyone needs help, it’s Cas. He’s been through enough. __Please__ , just this __once__ bend the rules a little. I’ll __never__ ask you for another favor like this again.”

By the time he finished, his throat felt tighter than before. He watched a fight taking place across Sam’s face as the younger Winchester struggled between staying true to professional commitments and his desire to help Dean out. Maybe Dean was a terrible brother, but he hoped that sympathy for Dean and the guilt he drunkenly expressed during phone calls over the past four days would push things in his favor, in spite of how manipulative it made him feel.

“I’ll go see if Cas is still awake and ask him again if he’ll see you,” Sam finally said without looking at Dean, his lips drawn in a tight line. “That’s all I can do.”

Realizing that’s the best he could hope for, Dean let Sam free. “Okay” he agreed. “Thanks, Sam.”

Sam acknowledged his words with a nod, then turned around and headed down the hallway to disappear behind a corner.

The wait for his return was pure torture and Dean paced impatiently, unable to spend any more seconds on the plastic chair in reception area. What he was going to do if Cas said no again? Cas didn’t have a family to take care of him nor any friends as far as Dean was aware. If he decided to cut ties with Dean in a misguided attempt to protect himself, there wouldn’t be anything Dean could do. Sam made it clear he wouldn’t bend the hospital rules any further, so that channel was out of the question. Dean could theoretically wait outside the hospital until Cas was checked out and pursue him personally to change his mind, but he couldn’t be on the lookout indefinitely. He had a job to attend and needed to rest at some point.

Two minutes later Sam returned and from his hurried pace Dean immediately knew something was wrong. And not in “Cas refused” way, but a __serious__ problem. Dean’s heart jolted in fear. Were there any complications?

Instead of walking to Dean, Sam stopped at the reception desk. “Call security,” he ordered the nurse.

“What’s going on?” Dean asked, rushing to Sam’s side.

“Cas is gone,” Sam announced. “I couldn’t find him anywhere and he shouldn’t be getting out of the bed yet－”

Dean wasn’t listening to him anymore. He ran down the hallway Sam had went down earlier and blindly searched the place, trying to locate that familiar scent. The Alpha inside him __demanded__ that Dean makes sure his Omega was alright.

He had no idea how long he wandered through the hospital corridors, but finally he found it: the smell of apple pie and cinnamon, hidden underneath the stench of cleaning detergents. The aroma of acceptance and peace filling it was unsettling in the current situation, sending pure panic through Dean’s body. Something was wrong. Something was __seriously wrong__!

Without wasting a beat, he followed after the smell.

 

***

 

When he opened the door leading outside, the cold blast of air hit Castiel, easily slipping through the thin gown the doctors dressed him in and biting at the exposed skin of his arms and legs. He stepped ahead and saw the night city stretching around the hospital building, still mostly silent and in a deep slumber, only a few windows shining with warm lights. The ground was icy and scratchy under his bare feet as he stumbled toward the railing that surrounded the entire space. A soft click of a metal door, which separated him from the rest of hospital resident, barely registered in his mind. And neither did the low temperature enveloping his body in its tight clutch. He was still surrounded by his protective bubble, which dulled out anything except for the peaceful acceptance of what he had to do.

The metal railing was smooth under his palms and cold as pure ice. Castiel leaned against it to collect strength. The drugs the doctors had given him to make the delivery easier drained his energy, or maybe it was the effect of the delivery itself or the long road he crossed before he stumbled upon the hospital. Whatever it was, Castiel barely managed to venture down the maze of hallways, find the entrance to stairwell, and climb up two floors... but he was finally here, where everything would end.

Castiel took a deep inhale of fresh chilly air, then braced his muscles in his arms and lifted both legs up, sluggishly throwing one after the other over the railing. He planted his feet on the edge of rooftop and the sharp corner of stone pressed uncomfortably at his soles. Holding onto the frozen metal, he turned around to face the four story drop stretching underneath with nothing separating him from it.

There was no fear in his heart as he stared at the hard concrete ground bellow. The ambulances parked behind the hospital appeared tiny from this high. Soothing peace filled Castiel completely. He didn’t even wonder if it was going to hurt. He caused too much pain to people around him that that feeling of his body shattering on impact would be nothing in comparison. Just a short plunge and Dean, sweet Dean who had always cared for his well-being － even now as he wanted to visit him in the hospital － and everyone in Dean’s life would be safe. No other person had to suffer because of Castiel. With the pup’s death it was utmost time for Castiel to make the righteous choice and to cleanse this world of his filth.

‘ _ _Everything you touch withers and dies.__ ’

Not much longer. Soon his poisonous influence would disappear.

He closed his eyes and allowed the peace to overtake him completely, every muscle, nerve and tissue creating his person. A light breeze swirled around him, moving the bottom of the hospital gown in slow dance. In a moment he’d join the pup in its eternal suffering, undeserved in its case, but earned by Castiel. Even though he was about to commit one of the greatest sins, he offered the last prayer to God. __Dear Lord,__  he spoke in his mind, _ _please, look after the people I corrupted, forgive their sins they committed under my influence and guide them to salvation.__

“Amen...” Castiel whispered, his voice calm and melodic. Tonight the memories of four Alphas he tempted into laying down with him and Dean and Lisa, whose relationship he destroyed, didn’t hurt. He was sure God Almighty would hear his plea and in the future they all would ascend into Heaven where there was no more sickness, no more suffering and everyone lived in happiness forever, while sinners were safely locked away in Hell to be punished for their crimes.

Because God commanded it.

Castiel wished more people would spend their last moment in absolute peace by accepting this inescapable truth. He saw several faithful churchgoers terrified of death, crying for priests to help them get better, for God to spare them. If only they recognized the __sheer beauty__  of Lord’s ultimate plan, they could pass away in happiness.

In the end that was his only regret: that he couldn’t share his peace with others, soothe their fear. But he was about to save them in a different way.

Thus, he leaned forward and let the railing slip from underneath his fingers－

“CAAAAS!”

With a surprised gasp Castiel grabbed onto the barrier again, regaining his footing and glancing back toward the roof entrance.

Dean was already halfway through the distance separating them and closing in on him fast, running like his life depended on it, while the metal door clicked shut behind him. He stopped mere two feet away from Castiel. Pure fear painted his features, twisting their normal beauty into a sickly pale mask. The similar fear that followed Castiel his entire life. A brief flash of shock ran through Dean’s face when he got a good look on Castiel. Right, he must have noticed the bruises left after the punishment. Castiel kept forgetting about them.

For the second time since a pleasant peace overtook him, Castiel felt sadness, dull as it was at the moment. He didn’t wish to cause anymore suffering to Dean, in fact the act he was about to commit was born from desire to prevent it. “It’s alright, Dean,” Castiel said, giving a reassuring smile that failed to dispel any amount of panic radiating from Dean. “You don’t have to be afraid for me.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?!” Dean choked out. “How am I suppose to calm down?!”

“I only exist to corrupt and destroy. This is a righteous thing to do. Once I’m gone, nobody else will have to suffer because of me anymore.”

Dean grabbed onto his own head with both hands like he couldn’t quite comprehend what was going on, fingers tugging nervously at his hair. Fear deepened on his face as he stared at Castiel. If only Dean accepted the harsh truth about male Omegas instead of clinging to this ludicrous notion that they were no different from other people... Castiel wished to make him understand, but how was he suppose to achieve that in their last short moment together when it took him nearly ten years to do so himself? Hopefully, Dean would come around on his own eventually. Maybe God would hear Castiel’s prayer and help Dean with that?

Finally, Dean dropped his hands down and reached toward Castiel as if he was approaching a scared animal. “Listen to me, Cas,” he started slowly, methodically choosing each word. “I know you’ve been taught to believe you’re some sort of monster, but that’s not true. You’re one of the __kindest__ and most __selfless__ people I’ve ever met. You cooked for me and cleaned the apartment even when I said you didn’t have to repay me.” Castiel chuckled at those small favors he did to repay for Dean’s generosity. The way Dean spoke about them, he made them sound like important accomplishments! “And you always worried about my well being even if you would be __totally__   _ _justified__  in focusing on yourself. You’re a good guy, Cas.”

There was no point in listening to him. Dean was clearly still under the influence of Castiel’s alluring nature, possibly from the first time they met one month ago. The four days separation hadn’t managed to free his mind and soul yet. Right now he’d say anything to prevent Castiel from jumping, so Castiel had to cut their bond on his own.

He tore eyes away from Dean and once more looked at the huge drop in front of him, which prompted Dean to shout: “For fuck’s sake, Cas, __don’t do this__!” He sounded so __frantic__ and __anguished__ , it __pierced__ through the protective bubble surrounding Castiel and hit him straight in the heart. Gasping for cold winter air, Castiel fought against the brief pain and forced himself to remain as he was standing, facing away from Dean, until the soothing peace returned to shield Castiel away from anything that could stop him from fulfilling his resolve.

He __must__ remain strong. This was the right choice.

“If you won’t live for yourself, then live for __me__ , Cas!” Dean insisted.

“I’m doing this for you as well, Dean,” Castiel explained.

“How is this suppose to help me, Cas?! Meeting you was one of the best things that ever happened to me!” No, Dean was being manipulated by Castiel’s demonic nature. He didn’t really mean that. “For the past two years I was so focused on my job that I ended up pushing everyone aside: Sam, Pam, Lisa, my own goddamned __parents__! All I cared about was climbing corporate ladder and earning money! And then you showed up!” Dean briefly lost his voice, likely choked by emotions. Castiel wasn’t certain, he didn’t dare look, because seeing Dean miserable might lead to more feelings sneaking inside his heart and shaking the peace holding him. “Suddenly, I was __excited__ to return home and hang out with someone again! You might think watching movies together means nothing, but it meant a world to me!”

Castiel felt like some pressure was pushing on the protective bubble surrounding him, trying to break it and get past to Castiel’s heart. Slowly his resolution to protect people by claiming his own life started losing its strength. He should stop listening to Dean and let go right now as each second spent on hearing Dean’s deceptive words worsened the situation.

...so why didn’t he?

“Over the past four days when you were gone I realized how little my job means to me anymore,” Dean continued, his voice hoarse as if Dean was on the verge of crying. “I couldn’t give a crap about it without you around, Cas.”

The pressure of various emotions caused cracks to start appearing in the protective bubble of peace, creating  a web of fissures and holes, which rapidly grew in size. No matter how much Castiel struggled, he __couldn’t__ force them to close again and all the sensations he was shielded from slowly returned. The cold breeze swirled around his almost-bare body. Suddenly he realized how numb he was from the low temperature. The icy rooftop under his feet and freezing metal he held onto, both made him feel like blades were being stabbed into his flesh. The winter air bit on the inside of his throat and each time he exhaled, a puff of smoke rose from his mouth to dissolve before his unseeing eyes.

But the worst part was the pain squeezing his heart, caused by Dean’s frantic words. Castiel wanted to turn around and embrace him, soothe his misery along with his own.

 _ _This__ is why he didn’t want to see Dean. So the wonderful Alpha he grew attached to wouldn’t have an opportunity to sneak back inside his heart and grab tightly at his soul, making him believe in those deceptive, __sweet__ lies that he was worth something.

“I ruined your relationship with Lisa,” Castiel argued, but the previous confidence filling his words was gone.

“I told you, I pushed her aside to focus on work,” Dean insisted. “We’ve been drifting apart long before I even met you. Sooner or later we would’ve broken up regardless if you were there, but the way it happened... That’s on me, Cas. __I__  was the one who kissed you.”

No, it was all wrong. Of course, it was Castiel’s fault. He was __always__ at fault. Mother taught him that and so did Michael, Lucifer, Father Joshua, everyone he grew up around.

“Cas.” Dean murmured. “I __need__ you.”

At last the protective bubble wobbled and gave in, shattering into thousand pieces and letting the flood of raw emotions inside. Guilt over hurting Dean and Lisa. Shame over dragging Dean into this rooftop to have him witness Castiel at his lowest. Tears he believed to have finally dried out after years of shedding them ran anew, spilling over his eyelids and streaming down his cheeks, warmer than the chilly winter temperature.

Since the day he presented as a male Omega, Castiel had one dream: to be accepted. He hoped that one day he would convince people he grew up around that he was a good, God-loving person and the open disgust that followed him around would disappear to be replaced by friendliness. Then Mother would __smile__ at him earnestly for the the first time in years and Father Joshua would congratulate him, say that he __always__ trusted Castiel was able to win against his nature. Of course, that last part died the night he was chased away by both of them. Still, he held onto the dream, naive as it was.

But even in his wildest fantasies he didn’t dare to hope that someone would grow to __need__ him. The idea was too much for him to handle. His heart swelled and nearly burst from the alien feelings of belonging and being wanted. Castiel never even realize he desired those things.

Overtaken by emotions, he stood at the edge and sobbed helplessly; his plan to cleanse the world with the ultimate sacrifice, pushed at the back of his mind. In that flood of emotions, to the surface came the one he feared facing the most: guilt over failing to protect the innocent being he swore to take care of, his pup. No matter how beautiful Dean’s words sounded, they couldn’t alter the horrible reality. “It’s in Hell because of me...” Castiel cried out. “It died and now it’s going to suffer for all eternity because of __me__...” The pup who died before it could even come into the world and commit a sin on its own would be held accountable for Castiel’s transgressions. How could Dean ignore this?

A shuffle of footsteps announced that Dean walked closer. When he responded, his voice came from right behind Castiel: “Haven’t you said God is merciful? Do you honestly believe he would condemn someone so innocent to Hell? No, he would welcome it in Heaven with open arms, Cas.”

Sobbing in newly awoken hope, Castiel raised his eyes to the night sky stretching above their heads, which he barely saw through the thick layer of tears. Was Dean correct? Was the pup up there where Castiel was barred from entering, forever young, forever happy, never to be stained by sin? It must have been another wonderful lie Castiel’s hurting heart desperately clung to, but Castiel didn’t have strength left to fight against the illusion.

“Cas,” Dean said softly. “Turn around.” Although worry still resounded in his voice, he wasn’t as frantic anymore. “I’ll hold you, okay?”

A pair of warm hands gently slid under his arms and gripped his sides, securing him in place. Castiel slowly turned around, which proved to be difficult due to how numb he was from the prolonged exposure to the sheer cold. But he knew Dean wouldn’t let him fall, so he carefully tip-toed in place, each movement of his feet felt like blades were being jabbed into his bare soles. The touch of freezing railing under his hands was equally as uncomfortable.

When he managed to face Dean, he noticed unshed tears glistening in the Alpha’s eyes. But guarded relief painted his features, softening the sad look. Dean offered a hesitant smile, then leaned forward and fully embraced Castiel, letting his hands roam over Castiel’s back and shoulders like he was ensuring not a single piece was missing. The warmth of Dean’s breath and palms seeped through Castiel’s thin gown, though it didn’t change the fact that he was nearly naked and stiff from cold.

He shuddered at the mixture of cold and warmth effecting his body, which prompted Dean to say: “You must be freezing. Let’s get you inside.” He leaned back just enough to scan the barrier separating them, but never fully letting go of Castiel. “Will you be able to get over it yourself?”

“I don’t think so,” Castiel denied. “I’m too numb.”

Dean nodded with understanding. “That’s okay. I’ll lift you and you just try to move your legs over.”

Once again he pressed tightly to Castiel who let go of the railing and enveloped his arms around Dean’s neck. Castiel felt himself being raised up and forward until the rooftop slipped from under his feet. His body slid across the metal railing, down the length of his body. The moment it reached his hips, he awkwardly attempted to shift his limbs to the other side. Even though he painfully hit his left foot on the metal with a dull thud, he somehow managed to get fully over.

Dean stumbled back a little, briefly letting Castiel stand on the ground to change position before he hoisted him up again in a bridal hold. “I’ve got you,” Dean repeated as he headed toward the rooftop entrance.

In the end Castiel wasn’t strong enough to protect Dean. The desire to be together with the wonderful Alpha overpowered his sense of morality.

“I’m sorry...” he murmured.

“Don’t worry,” Dean responded, awkwardly opening the door and bringing them both back inside the warm stairwell. “We’ll figure it all out.”

Of course, Dean didn’t understand what he was talking about. Sweet, kind Dean who always treated him as a normal person worthy of affection and respect. Mother warned him to never forget what was truly hidden underneath his mortal flesh, the rotting filth of corruption born from hatred and fire of Hell. But for the first time in ten years Castiel couldn’t find it in himself to care at the moment.

As Dean carried him through the hospital, the rhythmic thudding of his boots on the floor and bouncing of his steps, lulled Castiel into a different kind of peace, less overwhelming and more soothing. He shifted to press his thawing nose closer to the pulse point on Dean’s neck where his scent was the strongest. Soon, the muscular arms holding him protectively and the aroma of leather and musk were the only things left in the world. The horrible memories of the night vanished, at least for now, as Castiel fell into a deep sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We finally reached the halfway point of the story. I know I posted last few chapters in quick succession, but don't expect the next one to be appear faster than in two weeks. However, that chapter will move out story to a completely new location: Dean and Sam's home town where we'll finally meet their parents.


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